An outsiders view needed

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skieshun

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Hi there.

I am dating a guy who is 17 years old and I am 21years old.
He is very mature in most things for his age. He is yet to mature in his faith. Half my family and friends were dead set against us, and the other half encouraged us very much in deed. Our decision to stay together was based on our initial connection and the deep feeling that it was right.
We love eachother very much and have been together for a year now. I was just wondering if the RC Church has a view on women dating younger men? And if maybe I am living in a fairytale land believing that everything will come together and that we will work no matter what? We do speak of marriage and intend to do so when we are both qualified and financially stable. He is my best friend and he supports/advises me in all my decisions. We work really well together and have the same aspirations short term and long term. Is anyone else who reads these forums married to or dating a yonger guy? Do these questions of ‘Is this really normal?’ ever go away?
 
No harm in an age difference as long as the both of you are mature enough to date and discern marriage. It’s really not something the Church concerns itself with. Just keep discerning if you two are called to marry each other.
 
It’s not so much that there is an age difference but there is a big difference in where you are right now. If you were 31 and he 27 it would likely not matter so much. BUT, at 17 he is still in high school. You are at an age where you are out of college and/or living and working on your own.

He will be finishing high school and hopefully continuing his education thorugh college or a trade school.

He still has some growing and maturing to do, and he is not in a position to marry and support you and/or children that may come along.

So, while there is nothing wrong with dating a younger man in general, I would say there is a big issue with a 21 year old woman dating a 17 year old boy who is not yet ready for such a relationship.

It’s unwise also to try to minimize the very real differences in your maturity level, faith practices, and stages in life.
 
The Church does not say anything about age differences, unless someone is below the age when they can be married at all.
I have known people who were married in the Church when there was twenty five or thirty years difference between the two.
So you should consider other matters seriously instead. One vital thing is that he love God, and you will probably have problems if he is not a faithful Catholic. This is the only advice I feel I can give to someone I don’t know. Such things should be considered, since marriage in your case will be for fifty years or more, a lifetime situation.
 
no one should be seriously dating (if that is what you mean by “being together”) someone who is not ready for marriage and family commitment and responsibilities. It would be a very rare 17 yr old who is ready for this.

My red flag goes up not only with the age difference but because OP says she based her judgement on her own feelings about what is right, not on (name removed by moderator)ut from family who know her best, and not on Catholic teaching on dating and marriage. The other red flag is that OP lists all the good things about this person in terms of “how good he is to me and for me” which gives the appearance of being a rather self-centered way to discern a relationship. That may not be the reality of the situation, that is just the appearance based on OP statements.

other than giving minimum ages for marriage in canon law, the Church does not concern itself per se with age difference, although marriage preparation should certainly address issues that might arise in such a match. I would also look at local laws on the age of consent, because in some places 17 would be borderline. I would be very concerned, for instance, if my 17 yr old daughter was seriously dating a 23 yr old man.
 
I speak from experience when I say that this type of relationship can and could work. However, if i may point out a few thing sthat I have come across in my brief years of existence.

Human being schange dramtically over the first parts of their lives, particularly from 18 to 22 and then from 22 to about 26. Although they are constantly in change these two age periods have different changes. The first is a change and increase in knowledge, most especially seen if you continue your education. While this increase in knowledge is followed by a change in maturity, the real change inmaturity happens from 22 to 26 or so. Suffice it to say that human beings in that age group are changing and changing very quickly in a short amount of time. It can become very difficult for a relationship when two people are constantly in a state of flux.

Since you are the older one in this relationship, more of the burden might fall on you. You could wake up one day and find that he or you have changed so much that they are not the person you originally knew. This is an inevitability with all reltionships and marriages but particularly difficult at your and his age when the changes occur much more quickly and dramticaly. You could wake up and realize that you don’t want the same thing that you once did.

Your boyfirend, most likely not even out of high school has yet to expereince many things that life has to offer. College, parties, dorm life, possibly even driving, studying all night for mid terms, not being under the same roof as you parents. There are countless things he has not experienced and it would be best if he was able to at least have th eoppurtunity to expereince these things before he ever decides to think about something as important as marriage. It is very obvious that you love him but part of love is understanding that you want this person to be happy more than you ever would want them to be with you. It could very well turn out that this person’s happiness would be with you but it is much more important that you understand that they are not quite ready to make that decesion at that age yet.

Your responsibilities right now are very simple but not easy. First and foremost, you must love this person to the point of which you would give them up in a heartbeat if it was in their best interests or for their dreams. You must be willing to encourage them in what they desire and not intentionally or unintentionaly place your desires upon them. This is very difficult to do because you care for them so much but you must always be willing to do whats best for them even if that means encouraging them to go away to school or even see someone else. If this person moves awy to school and after a few months tells you that they met someone else it will be up to you on how to react as heartbroken as you may be. Your a bit older and have had a bit more expereince and “experiences” allowing you to decide first hand what you want whereas this person has not had the opportunity to sample all that life has to offer.

You must be prepared for possible heartbreak but be able to give that person up because yopu know that is what would be best for them if it makes them happy. For now, you need to love him and be there for him supprting him with your wisdom and experiecne until the day comes when he can truly decide what he wants and what he doesnt want because he has tasted other things. Marriage and a family is something to be considered down the road and not decison that should be made at 17 or even 21. You guys have plenty of time and there is no rush. Enjoy eachothers company and cross each bridge as you come to it.

Your road will not be easy but do not give up and do not let others tell you what you should be doing for you already know what is right inside your heart no matter how hard it may be sometimes. If you guys love eachother enough and it is meant to be then I hope to see you posting back on these forums in a few years with some baby pictures:D
 
Thank you all. Yes I do realise that there are bigger issues than age. His mother was Catholic (and his Step mother is too, but not practising), and his is father The Church of England. So he does believe in God. He does pray with me sometimes and he does attend church with me. It is not a problem that causes conflict which is good.
I just needed a confirmation out side of my in love bubble that age dosen’t actually matter. He is 17 but he is working as the schooling system did not work out here. He is at the same time achieving the qualifications at college though. (The ones he should have got at school) He has grown up quickly due to many many reasons. At the moment he is working in marketing, until he receives a valid passport to enter into the army and obtain a trade. I have quite a few years to go before I qaulify in my career and he has always clearly stated that he will not marry me until he can financially support me. So it’s all good really. Time and God will tell if he’s the one!
Thank you all for your replies,
Kind Regards and God Bless.
😃
 
Wow Joyousguard. Everything you said is so true and I completely understand it and agree with you! We both know we are too young for those things. We both have experienced a lot in terms of going out, partying, driving, education. We both wish to further educate our selves and we both support each other in growing into our own person, but growing in love and faith in our relationship. Until I saw this site I was not really aware of the difference between the words dating and courtship - I thought that courtship was an old word. Just shows how cultures differ. We will sit down and talk about this again. As religious as my family are, they were never very good at explaining the importance of the don’ts… it was just don’t do this, don’t do that. Like with this relationship. And your reply has answered a few questions I had and it has shown me a whole new perspective. Thank you!👍

Puzzleannie - I think we have differences in terminology. 🤷 and social structures? Anyway, we are not intending to get married now or anytime soon! We shall do so when both of us are absolutely sure and stable.
He is no longer at school - but he is working a full time job and studying as well. He does drive too. And when possible he will join the army and do a trade.
I wouldn’t consider myself self centered as I have suggested all the things mentioned to him and he says he’s lived that and that he is happy with me. I always put others before myself - that’s the way I have always been. And I will take time out and seriously consider all aspects and see what my conclsion is, and then see what his conclusion is and then see what our conclusion is.
Thank you for your reply though!! Much appreciated:)
 
P.S. Joyousguard. - just read your post again 😊
At the very beginning of our relationship we both agreed that if our relationship came in the way of our dreams that we would let go if it was for the best. So we have always had that reality with us. Which is great too. Just now that we are in the realtionship a year on it is hard to make a decision for our own sake always. However we always remind eachother to do things
for ourselves, our own dreams and goals and not for eachother. We make sure that we both give one another the space and freedom to follow ones dreams and goals without the consideration of our relationship. We know that if it works out it will work out. We are not forcing it to work. It is just working well. 🙂

God Bless
 
That is the response I was hoping for:D With the understanding you have shown you’ll do fine. Don’t forget to name a child after me;)
 
Sounds like the honeymoon is still ongoing. Relationships are easy when everything is going smoothly. You both agree with things, have the same values, ignore any differences or idiosyncracies. A year may seem like a long time, and it is for some couples as they don’t even last a few months.

Wait until the magic wears off a bit and you have some disagreements and some knock down drag out fights. How you both handle those and whether you can solve seemingly unsolvable problems together is the real test of how well you will last for the long run.

I’m sure there are a few (very few) marriages where folks never have big disputes. Personally I don’t know of any. Some honeymoons may last several years, but the old saying familiarity breeds contempt is usually more the rule than the exception.

More then 50% of marriages end up in divorce within the FIRST Year. Even with dating a year or two, one does not really know each other until they tie the knot.

With younger couples especially where one is a teenager, big fights are very often devastating. It’s good that both of you feels that marriage is not right just yet. Wait until the honeymoon is over and then IF you can develop the means to resolve big differences with good communication skills then you have a good chance to make it work. It really helps if one or both of you have a good sense of humor.
 
It isn’t a big age difference as long as both of you are at about the same place in life and therefore understand your relationship the same way, i.e. you have a deal and no one is assuming anything the other knows nothing about (I’ve been there). I would say he is the man and will one day be financially responsible in case you are unable to work during early motherhood and so he probably needs plenty of time to get stable financially before you are married, if that is your plan.
 
skieshun said:
Hi there.

I am dating a guy who is 17 years old and I am 21years old.
He is very mature in most things for his age. He is yet to mature in his faith. Half my family and friends were dead set against us, and the other half encouraged us very much in deed. Our decision to stay together was based on our initial connection and the deep feeling that it was right.
We love eachother very much and have been together for a year now. I was just wondering if the RC Church has a view on women dating younger men? And if maybe I am living in a fairytale land believing that everything will come together and that we will work no matter what? We do speak of marriage and intend to do so when we are both qualified and financially stable. He is my best friend and he supports/advises me in all my decisions. We work really well together and have the same aspirations short term and long term. Is anyone else who reads these forums married to or dating a yonger guy? Do these questions of ‘Is this really normal?’ ever go away?
Click to expand...
As others have said, age difference is no problem. Given your younger age it is best to hold off on marriage for a few more years. Getting married when the youngest is just 18 is too soon.
 
My advice : wait 5 years, stay friends if it works out that way, and see how it is by then.
22 and 26 is much different from 17 and 21.
My husband is 16 years younger than me. We’ve been married 12 years and have 2 kids. We never have big arguments - we discuss things with respect for each other.
 
For his sake I think you should stop ‘dating’. Be friends for a couple of years. You stated you’ve been dating for a year. That made him 16 and you 20 when you started dating. I do not think that is proper.
 
Hey there!
Thank you everyone! We won’t be getting married for ages so no worry there. We have spoken many times and we are happy to stay together in a catholic relationship. If it goes wrong it will. If not then great. I believe that we will last and that we have so much more to get through. He will not ask to marry me until he feels he is financially able. So no worries there. Yes 16 is/was young - but he is very mature and I knew him a bit in our previous country. We did consider everything and I spoke with my parents and his before and after. It was even odd for me at the beginning but now and before we started up, the age didn’t even cross my mind. I knew from the moment I saw him and in conversations thereafter that I wanted to be with him.I don’t believe it’s worth throwing away this relationship and neither does he. We are both willing to try and we are both agreed that if we reach a stage where we grow apart or where the age or our career separates us that we will end it. But we are both happy and looking forward to both studying hard, working hard and getting to know one another. As the Catholic. He knows his boundaries and that’s that. And if I lose him due to my beliefs that’s also something I am willing to do. I will not change for him and he will not change for me. We are our own people and we are working very well. I strongly believe that if we are meant to be we will. If not, when we work that out we won’t force the issue. he’s very mature and level headed and we think in very similar ways and we are very open, honest and respectful with one another. Thank you all again. 👍
 
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