An update on the husband and I

[Groo]

Thank you Paul for your response. I do plan on seeking counseling and getting a second opinion so to say before I do tell him I’m leaving If that is the right choice.

When I say snap, I mean just his rude passive aggressive comments that even my friends are shocked to hear (last two he did, he said in front of two of my dearest friends) the one made me cry as well. All I did was say hi to him when he got home and he started growling at me in front of my friend about something. I know there will be fights and bickering but we can do so without having my friends hear and without making the other one cry just from one comment.

As for the porn addiction, I’ve been told 3 other times that he promises to stop and never do it again. It stops for a bit then starts again with the same strength. He even now goes to the length of lying to my face about it. I know someone can get rid of an addiction but sometimes I believe too much emotional hurt isn’t good for the other person in the situation.

I could be over reacting but he’s been doing this for over a year and promises left and right it will never happen again and doesn’t reach out for help

You have said “addiction” a number of times. If you think he has a real addiction, then he probably does. Addiction is a kind of slavery to sin. No one that I know has ever beaten an addiction alone. Whether he is atheist or Catholic, his real god right now is porn.

He needs help if he is going to beat this, even if he tells you he doesn’t and swears up and down he can handle it. Of all the possible addictions, sex addiction is among the most isolating. Very few muster the courage to go out and admit they have a problem, even as common as porn use is.

I would hope that your husband seeks help from a counselor or a 12 step group such as SAA or SA. You might gently mention getting outside help, but do not argue or push. He has to want recovery for himself.

And if he does not seek help, then you may have no choice but to leave for your own sanity. I will be praying for you.

Also, there are 12 step groups like CO-SAA which are like al-anon but for sex addicts. You may find help for yourself in one of these groups if you can find one.

 

[bmaj]

I hate giving him an ultimatum but I’ve been dealing with his porn addiction, his verbal and emotional abuse for just so long now after he’s promised to change.
I haven’t done counseling. I will of ccourse see one but with my work schedule right now it’s nearly impossibly to find time (not to mention my schedule always changes) and of course I will discuss things over with my priest that I’ve known since I was a kid on the whole matter if he doesn’t change.

He is respecting that I need space right now, which is good as we can both think about our relationship more.

I just need honesty in my relationship. He’s lied to my face before about the porn and hid the fact that he was talking to a female coworker until I did the “who you texting” questions. If he hides that and lies to my face about that what else has he been?

I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been going through, Unsungmelody. From experience in my marriage, the verbal and emotional abuse seems to go right along with the porn addiction - at least that was the case with my husband. It hurts to the core, and I truly feel your pain. It might help you or any other women reading this and going through it to join the group here at CAF titled, “Women Suffering Because of Unchastity.” (See the top tool bar.) It deals specifically with the disgusting porn issue that is so prevalent in today’s society. Although there are no quick and easy solutions to your husband’s porn addiction, the group helped me TREMENDOUSLY in my marriage as far as support and suggestions in dealing with the insanity, lying, and verbal abuse that came with it. You’re definitely not alone, and it’s not your fault that he’s doing what he’s doing.
I would also second the suggestions made above by others that you seek either joint counseling or going by yourself if your husband won’t go (mine wouldn’t). That also was an amazing relief for me. You can contact your local office of Catholic Charities through your parish (or by phone yourself, I believe, if necessary), and they offer free and/or very low cost counseling for situations just like this with a Catholic or Christian counselor (it was perfect for me).
Please know that you are in my prayers.