Anger at son's mainstream teacher

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sherlock11

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I am so angry at the accolades to my special needs son’s previous mainstream teacher, Ms. C.

When my special needs son was 8 years old, he was in a program in our elementary school where he spent a couple of morning hours in a mainstream classroom and then the rest of the day in a self contained special needs classroom. We loved his special needs teacher and was also thrilled when we learned who his mainstream classroom teacher was; Ms. C was highly sought after and was said to be the best teacher of her grade.

However, during our parent teacher meeting (about 2 months into the school year), Ms. C, when pressed about our son’s involvement in her classroom, admitted she did not know him at all, left him alone “but, there were 2 little girls in the classroom that interacted with him”, and that during the academic portion of the morning, while the other kids had work assignments that she gave out, she just left him sit there with nothing on his desk.

Our son’s special needs teacher was crying after the meeting and kept apologizing to us that she was not aware of what was going on. The principal who also sat in the meeting was visibly upset. We elected to keep our son with Ms. C as not to disrupt my son’s routine, and, he was given assignments from his special needs teacher to be done in the mainstream classroom along side the other kids.

Apparently, Ms. C always requested special needs kids in her classroom. She played the system; she knew the special needs kids would only be there in the morning, and, then the rest of the day she would have less students. The following year, Ms. C was no longer allowed to have any special needs kids in her classroom.

But, Ms. C is still highly respected and lauded on Facebook postings. I have not told people of her neglect of my son and the other special needs kids. Each time I see her being applauded, I get so angry. If people only knew what a phony she is. I am so tempted to out her behavior. But, I know I’m supposed to turn the other cheek. How do I accept that? Thanks for any advice.
 
Yes, get off facebook if it’s making you angry.

This teacher is no longer teaching special needs children. That’s good. That should have been your primary concern and it has been acheived. You should not concern yourself with the issue any further.
 
1ke said:
Well I’d suggest getting off Facebook as a starting point.
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Right. And I think you need to realize that those parents are praising that teacher because she has done wonderful things for their children. You didn’t have the same experience, but that doesn’t negate the experience of those families and children, many of which may also be “special needs”.

I’m a little confused as to the purpose of having your son in that room in the first place. Who is in charge of his curriculum and assessment? If it’s special education teacher, then it was her responsibility to provide appropriate morning work assignments for your son, from the very beginning of the year. If she wasn’t working with the classroom teacher to select appropriate assignements for your son during those first two hours he was in the mainstream classroom, then the situation was just as much her fault as the classroom teacher’s.

The school where I work is one of the district’s autism specialist buildings, which means we have a higher number of autistic children, some of which receive phase two services. (special education classroom) They generally aren’t sent to their homeroom classrooms without a list of activities or assignments to be worked on, except for science and social studies assignments which are planned by the homeroom teacher with assistance from the autism specialists if needed. All of the staff work together as a team and communicate constantly to help these students succeed. If your son’s school is not doing the same, I don’t think it’s right to lay the blame all on one teacher. Just something to think about.
 
Advice is to stay off facebook??? I’m only angry when I see facebook posts regarding this teacher. I am not her friend, but, I have friends/acquaintances who are her friend so that’s how I see those posts. Thanks so much for your well meaning advice to stay off facebook. But, I’ll pass as I do want to stay in touch with my friends even if they don’t know the truth about this teacher. I wanted to know how accept and to turn the other cheek.
 
Allegra said:
All of the staff work together as a team and communicate constantly to help these students succeed. If your son’s school is not doing the same, I don’t think it’s right to lay the blame all on one teacher. Just something to think about.
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Right.

The principal and special needs support teacher should not have been surprised and only hearing about classroom activities (or lack thereof) in a parent teacher meeting.

Teaching special needs children is a very difficult task, and while it seems this teacher is not up to it presently, there also seems to be a lack of support for her; a lack of a coordinated and carefully planned approach.
 
sherlock11 said:
Advice is to stay off facebook??? I’m only angry when I see facebook posts regarding this teacher. I am not her friend, but, I have friends/acquaintances who are her friend so that’s how I see those posts. Thanks so much for your well meaning advice to stay off facebook. But, I’ll pass as I do want to stay in touch with my friends even if they don’t know the truth about this teacher. I wanted to know how accept and to turn the other cheek.
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Just don’t read those particular posts. 🤷

Don’t stew on it. The posts are (presumably) not directed at you anyway.

What would be gained by whinging on facebook? You’re more likely to undermine your own reputation than this teacher’s reputation anyway. No one likes a facebook whinger.
 
Forgiveness is not easy when the wound is deep, moreso when it is a child wounded. Would it help to step away from the machine when you read things, take a deep breath and hug your child? Knowing that while your child was hurt, you were also able to protect him from a greater hurt? To let the anger slide away to be replaced with the love of a mother for her child?
 
Allegra said:
Right. And I think you need to realize that those parents are praising that teacher because she has done wonderful things for their children. You didn’t have the same experience, but that doesn’t negate the experience of those families and children, many of which may also be “special needs”.

I’m a little confused as to the purpose of having your son in that room in the first place. Who is in charge of his curriculum and assessment? If it’s special education teacher, then it was her responsibility to provide appropriate morning work assignments for your son, from the very beginning of the year. If she wasn’t working with the classroom teacher to select appropriate assignements for your son during those first two hours he was in the mainstream classroom, then the situation was just as much her fault as the classroom teacher’s.

The school where I work is one of the district’s autism specialist buildings, which means we have a higher number of autistic children, some of which receive phase two services. (special education classroom) They generally aren’t sent to their homeroom classrooms without a list of activities or assignments to be worked on, except for science and social studies assignments which are planned by the homeroom teacher with assistance from the autism specialists if needed. All of the staff work together as a team and communicate constantly to help these students succeed. If your son’s school is not doing the same, I don’t think it’s right to lay the blame all on one teacher. Just something to think about.
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underacloud said:
Right.

The principal and special needs support teacher should not have been surprised and only hearing about classroom activities (or lack thereof) in a parent teacher meeting.

Teaching special needs children is a very difficult task, and while it seems this teacher is not up to it presently, there also seems to be a lack of support for her; a lack of a coordinated and carefully planned approach.
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My son is not autistic and the mainstreaming was for socialization. We have always had a positive experience with our son being mainstreamed for a couple of hours each day. The prior 3 years mainstream teachers have all been beneficial for our son. During the parent teacher meetings with these teachers, they showed they were knowledgeable about my son and his needs. It was obvious there was involvement in the classroom during those years.

However, this teacher in question, admitted she did nothing to involve him and left him alone with just 2 little girls. And, such a wonderful teacher to let an 8 year old sit there doing nothing while the other kids had assigned work to do. A wonderful teacher would be sensitive and not have done that. Could she not have given my son some similar work? Again, this teacher REQUESTED to have special needs kids in her class knowing they would in effect reduce her class size; while other teachers had around 21 kids, she had only 19 for most of the day. This was deliberate without any regards to the needs of the special needs kids.
 
mek42 said:
Forgiveness is not easy when the wound is deep, moreso when it is a child wounded. Would it help to step away from the machine when you read things, take a deep breath and hug your child? Knowing that while your child was hurt, you were also able to protect him from a greater hurt? To let the anger slide away to be replaced with the love of a mother for her child?
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Thank you. I have not thought of forgiveness as a way to let go. I do know holding on to that anger only hurts me. I will try to forgive her.
 
sherlock11 said:
Advice is to stay off facebook??? I’m only angry when I see facebook posts regarding this teacher. I am not her friend, but, I have friends/acquaintances who are her friend so that’s how I see those posts. Thanks so much for your well meaning advice to stay off facebook. But, I’ll pass as I do want to stay in touch with my friends even if they don’t know the truth about this teacher. I wanted to know how accept and to turn the other cheek.
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There is an extension you can add to Facebook that gives you the ability to censor posts with keywords or phrases of your choosing. Google “FB Purity.” I really appreciate the extension because I can avoid politics or other silly stuff while still seeing baby pictures and whatnot.

Limiting exposure when wounds are fresh isn’t a sign of weakness or lack of moral character. As a medium that’s just how Facebook can be - constant bombardment on issues that frustrate us a lot more than if we were running into them “in real life” where dealing with it would be. Hence the advice to turn it off or dial it back.

I imagine forgiveness will be easier when you can take a break from frequent reminders about what’s wrong.
 
sherlock11 said:
However, this teacher in question, admitted she did nothing to involve him and left him alone with just 2 little girls. And, such a wonderful teacher to let an 8 year old sit there doing nothing while the other kids had assigned work to do. A wonderful teacher would be sensitive and not have done that. Could she not have given my son some similar work? Again, this teacher REQUESTED to have special needs kids in her class knowing they would in effect reduce her class size; while other teachers had around 21 kids, she had only 19 for most of the day. This was deliberate without any regards to the needs of the special needs kids.
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You don’t know the reasons or her motives for requesting special needs children in her class. In your anger you are projecting sinister motives onto her. This is a) uncharitable and b) feeding back into your anger (a viscuos circle).

None of us knows the details of this, appart from what you’ve told us (which is your own point of view on things). I’m not sure what more you want anyone to say, apart from:

Firstly, try to give this teacher the benefit of the doubt, with regard to her motives, her efforts, and her own struggles. She may have meant well and simply not been up to the challenge. Pray for her.

Secondly, let it go. Find ways to put aside your anger - occupy yourself in prayer, hard physical activity (eg go to the gym), watch a movie (escapism). If you come across any posts about her on facebook, do not read them; keep scrolling. Over time, if ignored, anger fades.
 
Facebook is not the issue. The issue is either your son’s needs, and/or your displeasure with what’s been going on in the classroom.

Anger is understandable, but you need to channel you emotions into something more beneficial for your son.

If you are unhappy, consider again which is more important to his needs, to stay in the teacher’s class or move. If it truly is in his best interests to stay in the classroom leave him there. If moving is only to appease your anger, you are shifting the focus from his needs to yours.

Do whatever is best for your child, but try to forgive the teacher.

And don’t let your anger pull you in to sin. You say, “apparently” she is “playing the system”. If you know that to be a fact, pursue administrative remedy. If you are speculating, you are flirting with bearing false witness…either way, harboring anger will not help your son, who is the real victim in all this, and who needs you as a rational advocate for his needs and not just someone to express anger.

Peace and all good!
 
Hi there,

I am a special education teacher, a sister of a young adult with autism, and a daughter of a special education teacher.

I (we) do not know this person. I do not know your son or how he is in a classroom, except for what you’ve told me. It’s unfortunate because it sounds like this teacher did not take very much time to get to know your son or interact with him. Working with an entire classroom plus a kid with special needs can be emotionally and physically draining…trust me. There is no excuse for your son sitting at a seat with no work in front of him, though.

I understand you may feel that this teacher requests special needs students for personal gain, but that’s quite an assumption about her. I’m not defending her actions, nor am I saying you are wrong. Be glad that the situation has been documented. If the situation continues to not work out, then perhaps you may want to start looking for different placement options.

I hope this helps. Please know I am coming from a place of experience and send you nothing but love and prayers.

Peace
 
sherlock11 said:
My son is not autistic and the mainstreaming was for socialization. We have always had a positive experience with our son being mainstreamed for a couple of hours each day. The prior 3 years mainstream teachers have all been beneficial for our son. During the parent teacher meetings with these teachers, they showed they were knowledgeable about my son and his needs. It was obvious there was involvement in the classroom during those years.

However, this teacher in question, admitted she did nothing to involve him and left him alone with just 2 little girls. And, such a wonderful teacher to let an 8 year old sit there doing nothing while the other kids had assigned work to do. A wonderful teacher would be sensitive and not have done that. Could she not have given my son some similar work? Again, this teacher REQUESTED to have special needs kids in her class knowing they would in effect reduce her class size; while other teachers had around 21 kids, she had only 19 for most of the day. This was deliberate without any regards to the needs of the special needs kids.
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I’ve never heard of “socialization” as an educational goal for time spent in a certain classroom. That seems like a complete waste of time. “Socialization” is just learning how to respond to different people in different situations. That’s going to be something that a student works on in every room the go to in the school. Again, this sounds like as much a system failure as a teacher failure. The only time a student’s only goal should be “socialization” is recess.
 
I also recommend forgiveness. With all that God has forgiven us, we ought to be able to forgive one another (that’s the point of the Parable of the Unforgiving Servant, cf. Matt 18-21-35):

the kingdom of heaven may be compared to a king who wished to settle accounts with his servants. When he began the reckoning, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents; and as he could not pay, his lord ordered him to be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and payment to be made. So the servant fell on his knees, imploring him, ‘Lord, have patience with me, and I will pay you everything.’ And out of pity for him the lord of that servant released him and forgave him the debt. But that same servant, as he went out, came upon one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and seizing him by the throat he said, ‘Pay what you owe.’ So his fellow servant fell down and besought him, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you.’ He refused and went and put him in prison till he should pay the debt. When his fellow servants saw what had taken place, they were greatly distressed, and they went and reported to their lord all that had taken place. Then his lord summoned him and said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you besought me; and should not you have had mercy on your fellow servant, as I had mercy on you?’ And in anger his lord delivered him to the jailers, till he should pay all his debt. So also my heavenly Father will do to every one of you, if you do not forgive your brother from your heart.”
 
sherlock11 said:
Thank you. I have not thought of forgiveness as a way to let go. I do know holding on to that anger only hurts me. I will try to forgive her.
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One suggestion I have is to simply pray for her. Thankfully our church provides us with beautiful “set” prayers (Hail Mary, for example) that we can use to pray for someone when we don’t have the words or the emotional capacity to come up with appropriate language.

So when you run into one of these situations (on FB, in real life, etc) where it feels like her “amazingness” is being forced down your throat despite your actual experience with her - try saying a Hail Mary or Our Father.

While handling a similar situation in my own life, I’ve found it helps. I don’t know if I’ve really forgiven the person who permitted harm to come to my child, but I do know God knows I’m trying and that I have more peace inside me.

Maybe it would help you as well?
 
Ah…Facebook. The source of all drama.
Facebook has given us all permission to stop writing letters, stop emailing, and stop phoning those we care about and want to have in our lives. We can simply read about all their “stuff” and view their pictures and hear their brags and rants. Easy. Detached.
People love to think how FB has connected the world, when in fact, we are more isolated than ever.

I recommend staying off FaceBook for a while. Particularly now, at the conclusion of the school year when many feel the need to “profusely thank” every person around.
You can jump back on when people are talking about more generic things that don’t upset you.
But you still need to forgive. It’s going to be hard. What parent wouldn’t be furious? That’s normal. Allow yourself a chance to stew, and then allow yourself to let it go. Your anger only hurts you. As someone said, hug you precious child, and know that this section of his life is over and done with. On to bigger and more rewarding experiences!

God bless you.
 
I really don’t think any of the “get off Facebook” advice is helpful. She uses Facebook to keep in touch with family and friends and has an overall positive experience with it. The only thing that is bothering her about it is the posts about this particular teacher. Having one flaw in an overall good thing happens a lot in life. I don’t think that means you abandon the overall positive thing. If one parishioner offends you, should you leave the entire parish? If you have one bad experience at a favorite restaurant, should you never return?

I like Pensmama’s advice. Just filter out the posts that are bothering you. Then continue to keep in touch with friends and family.

As far as forgiveness, I guess the good old “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” always comes to mind. Forgive others as God forgives you. To let go of your anger, maybe write Ms. C’s name on a piece of paper and put it under a crucifix or leave it in a church before the Blessed Sacrament, acknowledging that you give up your anger to God and are letting God take care of things. Just a thought.
 
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