Anger at son's mainstream teacher

[Kal2012]

Then, why don’t you tell people about your experience with this teacher?

I get not wanting to rock the boat, but you have a responsibility to tell your friends the truth about what happened to your family.

For instance, last school year wasn’t as horrible for us, but it wasn’t ideal either.

We moved to another district and the school district was okay, but the school my kid was assigned to wasn’t as great as people made it out to be.

Yes, I picked my battles, but I told people the truth when they asked my opinion.

I always ended up saying something like this, “Look, I get that other people think that this district is wonderful, but in comparison to our last school district, my family isn’t impressed with our experience in this the district. People have different experiences and ours hasn’t been great. We really weren’t impressed with our son’s IEP team having lower standards for his achievement, nor were we impressed with our son’s school building. I really just can’t make a dark,prison-like environment sound good, as much as I try. It also didn’t help that the bus service was awful at the beginning of the year and that the school we were assigned to is the lowest rated elementary school in the entire district. Again, I understand that other people are perfectly happy with their experiences here, and there’s a variety of schools and experiences to be had in the district; however, based on our experience, we aren’t interested in staying here. Not every place is for everyone and we are moving on.”

Maybe your situation keeps gnawing at you because the Holy Spirit is prompting you to say something, but you are trying to “turn the other cheek.” Sometimes, it really doesn’t do any good to keep your mouth shut. It is possible to state the truth in a loving, tactful manner.

As a special needs parent myself, I pay attention to how our kids are treated at other districts and learn from the experiences of other families. I would want to know if there are issues with some of the teachers or staff in a particular area/school. You never know who’s looking to move to an area or has a special needs kid these days. I know I would want someone to say something, if there’s a problem or issue.

I tend to look as Facebook as a resource to share information. We’ve all been victims of the “too much information” syndrome, but your experience is worth sharing and I’d encourage you to do so.

Be honest. Don’t be a jerk about it. Just tell people that the teacher in question didn’t treat your special son well and that you’ve been struggling because of it. If we want people to be real with us, then we need to be real with them.

 

[pianistclare]

I really don’t think any of the “get off Facebook” advice is helpful. She uses Facebook to keep in touch with family and friends and has an overall positive experience with it.
**Facebook is not a replacement for real relationships.
It’s not a place to rant, or give varying types of political viewpoint, but all know that people do. It becomes a nightmare of filtering and ignoring, friending and unfriending.
there’s a big reason why Diocesan employees are discouraged from “sharing” on facebook. It’s good advice fro everyone. If you’re just sharing pictures from your last vacation, fine. But often, it leads to hurt feelings, misunderstanding, and a platform for angry people. A break would put things into perspective. A BREAK. If one can not bear to not view FB for a couple of weeks or even a day? That’s a totally different problem. One should never talk about another person on FB. About yourself? Fair play. But never about others beyond “congratulations”. **

The only thing that is bothering her about it is the posts about this particular teacher. Having one flaw in an overall good thing happens a lot in life. I don’t think that means you abandon the overall positive thing. If one parishioner offends you, should you leave the entire parish? If you have one bad experience at a favorite restaurant, should you never return?

I like Pensmama’s advice. Just filter out the posts that are bothering you. Then continue to keep in touch with friends and family.

As far as forgiveness, I guess the good old “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” always comes to mind. Forgive others as God forgives you. To let go of your anger, maybe write Ms. C’s name on a piece of paper and put it under a crucifix or leave it in a church before the Blessed Sacrament, acknowledging that you give up your anger to God and are letting God take care of things. Just a thought.

 

[kptrs]

pianistclare:
@ pianistclare, I agree with everything you’re saying, but the OP wants to know how to forgive, and telling her how bad Facebook is isn’t really answering her question. Yes, Facebook has many flaws with it, but getting off of it isn’t going to make her forgive this teacher or let go of her anger. If she filters her posts, as Pensmama suggested, that might help, but all the Facebook talk is irrelevant to the original question.

 

[pianistclare]

I’ve never heard of “socialization” as an educational goal for time spent in a certain classroom. That seems like a complete waste of time. “Socialization” is just learning how to respond to different people in different situations. That’s going to be something that a student works on in every room the go to in the school. Again, this sounds like as much a system failure as a teacher failure. The only time a student’s only goal should be “socialization” is recess.

Part of forgiving is eliminating the source of your anger.
That’s all.
It IS relevant. that’s where she’s getting all these notions of people just loving this woman that she’s not keen on.
Walk away from the source of your discomfort.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

@ pianistclare, I agree with everything you’re saying, but the OP wants to know how to forgive, and telling her how bad Facebook is isn’t really answering her question. Yes, Facebook has many flaws with it, but getting off of it isn’t going to make her forgive this teacher or let go of her anger. If she filters her posts, as Pensmama suggested, that might help, but all the Facebook talk is irrelevant to the original question.

I think it is fair to ask if the media involved with the drama is part of the problem. I tend to think it is more than people think and that it is harder to unplug for FOMO.

But this person would not really have a problem that needed addressing if the OP was simply offline. Then it would be handled in correct social face to face actions and professionally by the school. It would be all taken care of.

Bottom line, the teacher is not in the rotation for mainstreaming anymore and the child is taken care of. Nothing beyond that needs to happen. The teacher in question may be a fabulous teacher to other kids. Or not. But without all this “social media” this would not be an issue. The irony is that the student was placed there for socialization, and then we discuss this aspect of socializing. Would we accept virtual stimulation for adequate socialization of a special needs child? Then why do we do it for ourselves? Perhaps we all can take from this that socialization is something not just kids need to work on…

Almost always an issue that involves “On facebook I saw this…” Can be simply remedied by not being on facebook. As can this one. But the OP has stated that the benefits of facebook outweigh the problems. Ok, fine. But that does not make the problems go away…

 

[Cider]

I am so angry at the accolades to my special needs son’s previous mainstream teacher, Ms. C.

When my special needs son was 8 years old, he was in a program in our elementary school where he spent a couple of morning hours in a mainstream classroom and then the rest of the day in a self contained special needs classroom. We loved his special needs teacher and was also thrilled when we learned who his mainstream classroom teacher was; Ms. C was highly sought after and was said to be the best teacher of her grade.

However, during our parent teacher meeting (about 2 months into the school year), Ms. C, when pressed about our son’s involvement in her classroom, admitted she did not know him at all, left him alone “but, there were 2 little girls in the classroom that interacted with him”, and that during the academic portion of the morning, while the other kids had work assignments that she gave out, she just left him sit there with nothing on his desk.

Our son’s special needs teacher was crying after the meeting and kept apologizing to us that she was not aware of what was going on. The principal who also sat in the meeting was visibly upset. We elected to keep our son with Ms. C as not to disrupt my son’s routine, and, he was given assignments from his special needs teacher to be done in the mainstream classroom along side the other kids.

Apparently, Ms. C always requested special needs kids in her classroom. She played the system; she knew the special needs kids would only be there in the morning, and, then the rest of the day she would have less students. The following year, Ms. C was no longer allowed to have any special needs kids in her classroom.

But, Ms. C is still highly respected and lauded on Facebook postings. I have not told people of her neglect of my son and the other special needs kids. Each time I see her being applauded, I get so angry. If people only knew what a phony she is. I am so tempted to out her behavior. But, I know I’m supposed to turn the other cheek. How do I accept that? Thanks for any advice.

I’m so sorry this happened to your son. I’d be livid too. I actually do think that her neglect of your son does reflect negatively on her teaching as a whole regardless if she did some positive things for other children. Her neglect of your son and her attempts to gain the system by using special needs kids indicates to me that she doesn’t have the correct values to be an effective teacher to any children. I hope the school district is taking her to task for her actions. I think she’d be better suited to another job that doesn’t involve children. I don’t really have any advice though. If it was me, I’d be sorely tempted to do what I could to have her removed as a teacher.

 

[Cider]

Then, why don’t you tell people about your experience with this teacher?

I get not wanting to rock the boat, but you have a responsibility to tell your friends the truth about what happened to your family.

For instance, last school year wasn’t as horrible for us, but it wasn’t ideal either.

We moved to another district and the school district was okay, but the school my kid was assigned to wasn’t as great as people made it out to be.

Yes, I picked my battles, but I told people the truth when they asked my opinion.

I always ended up saying something like this, “Look, I get that other people think that this district is wonderful, but in comparison to our last school district, my family isn’t impressed with our experience in this the district. People have different experiences and ours hasn’t been great. We really weren’t impressed with our son’s IEP team having lower standards for his achievement, nor were we impressed with our son’s school building. I really just can’t make a dark,prison-like environment sound good, as much as I try. It also didn’t help that the bus service was awful at the beginning of the year and that the school we were assigned to is the lowest rated elementary school in the entire district. Again, I understand that other people are perfectly happy with their experiences here, and there’s a variety of schools and experiences to be had in the district; however, based on our experience, we aren’t interested in staying here. Not every place is for everyone and we are moving on.”

Maybe your situation keeps gnawing at you because the Holy Spirit is prompting you to say something, but you are trying to “turn the other cheek.” Sometimes, it really doesn’t do any good to keep your mouth shut. It is possible to state the truth in a loving, tactful manner.

As a special needs parent myself, I pay attention to how our kids are treated at other districts and learn from the experiences of other families. I would want to know if there are issues with some of the teachers or staff in a particular area/school. You never know who’s looking to move to an area or has a special needs kid these days. I know I would want someone to say something, if there’s a problem or issue.

I tend to look as Facebook as a resource to share information. We’ve all been victims of the “too much information” syndrome, but your experience is worth sharing and I’d encourage you to do so.

Be honest. Don’t be a jerk about it. Just tell people that the teacher in question didn’t treat your special son well and that you’ve been struggling because of it. If we want people to be real with us, then we need to be real with them.

I agree. Forgiveness is wonderful but it’s something you do for yourself and it also doesn’t negate what happened. Telling the the truth to others can protect other children and families since this teacher is still in the classroom.

 

[pensmama87]

@ pianistclare, I agree with everything you’re saying, but the OP wants to know how to forgive, and telling her how bad Facebook is isn’t really answering her question. Yes, Facebook has many flaws with it, but getting off of it isn’t going to make her forgive this teacher or let go of her anger. If she filters her posts, as Pensmama suggested, that might help, but all the Facebook talk is irrelevant to the original question.

Right. The reason I suggested that alternative is because Facebook is useful, but it can be a real drag to deal with the non-useful stuff when you’re trying to work on a tough issue like forgiveness. It’s like being at a party and finally getting comfortable, when that person who really hurt you a while ago is suddenly not only just in the room, but your friend you’ve been chatting with decides to introduce you. It’s going to drag up a lot of uncomfortable feelings.

There’s nothing wrong with avoiding situations that we know will give us lots of grief. Simply “forgiving” doesn’t make the pain go away, although with forgiveness I think it does dull over time. But the OP may not be at that point yet, and constant reminders are not helpful.

So if she likes FB and finds it is helpful for some things, but not for others, I pointed out that there’s a way to keep the helpful and eliminate (or at least severely lessen) the non-helpful. If I want to keep in touch with some of my relatives, FB is the only mechanism I have to do that. I quit it a while ago and was completely out of the loop on everything. So when I came back, to avoid getting angry at political rantings etc, I ramped up the privacy settings, learned to love the ignore function, and installed extensions that gave me even more freedom to do that. Now I can keep up while not being exposed to frequent occasions of sin.

 

[sherlock11]

There is an extension you can add to Facebook that gives you the ability to censor posts with keywords or phrases of your choosing. Google “FB Purity.” I really appreciate the extension because I can avoid politics or other silly stuff while still seeing baby pictures and whatnot.

Limiting exposure when wounds are fresh isn’t a sign of weakness or lack of moral character. As a medium that’s just how Facebook can be - constant bombardment on issues that frustrate us a lot more than if we were running into them “in real life” where dealing with it would be. Hence the advice to turn it off or dial it back.

I imagine forgiveness will be easier when you can take a break from frequent reminders about what’s wrong.

Thank you for that tip. I downloaded the extension and added the teacher’s name to my no show list. I see maybe one post every few months or so about that teacher. Given that infrequency I guess I never thought to try to get over the hurt and anger; I just kept her and the experience out of mind… until the next time she pops up on my timeline and I experience the anger again.

 

[sherlock11]

I’ve never heard of “socialization” as an educational goal for time spent in a certain classroom. That seems like a complete waste of time. “Socialization” is just learning how to respond to different people in different situations. That’s going to be something that a student works on in every room the go to in the school. Again, this sounds like as much a system failure as a teacher failure. The only time a student’s only goal should be “socialization” is recess.

Each child is different. Not every child in the self contained special needs classroom was mainstreamed. It was appropriate and beneficial for my son to spend 2 hours every morning in a mainstream classroom. Most of the kids in the self contained class were nonverbal. Hence, socialization in a mainstream classroom for my son was very important.

It was not “a system failure”. I had nothing but the upmost respect for my son’s Child Study Team and his previous mainstream teachers. We had been very happy and grateful for my son’s previous placements. Especially, more so after we found out the mainstream teachers requested to work with the special needs students. These previous teachers always bought my son’s school work to show us during the meetings. The teacher in question had nothing to show us.

 

[sherlock11]

One suggestion I have is to simply pray for her. Thankfully our church provides us with beautiful “set” prayers (Hail Mary, for example) that we can use to pray for someone when we don’t have the words or the emotional capacity to come up with appropriate language.

So when you run into one of these situations (on FB, in real life, etc) where it feels like her “amazingness” is being forced down your throat despite your actual experience with her - try saying a Hail Mary or Our Father.

While handling a similar situation in my own life, I’ve found it helps. I don’t know if I’ve really forgiven the person who permitted harm to come to my child, but I do know God knows I’m trying and that I have more peace inside me.

Maybe it would help you as well?

I will try to pray for her. I do say a lot of Hail Marys every day. I will direct some towards the teacher. Thank you for your advice.

 

[sherlock11]

I really don’t think any of the “get off Facebook” advice is helpful. She uses Facebook to keep in touch with family and friends and has an overall positive experience with it. The only thing that is bothering her about it is the posts about this particular teacher. Having one flaw in an overall good thing happens a lot in life. I don’t think that means you abandon the overall positive thing. If one parishioner offends you, should you leave the entire parish? If you have one bad experience at a favorite restaurant, should you never return?

I like Pensmama’s advice. Just filter out the posts that are bothering you. Then continue to keep in touch with friends and family.

As far as forgiveness, I guess the good old “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone,” always comes to mind. Forgive others as God forgives you. To let go of your anger, maybe write Ms. C’s name on a piece of paper and put it under a crucifix or leave it in a church before the Blessed Sacrament, acknowledging that you give up your anger to God and are letting God take care of things. Just a thought.

Yes, facebook is a good experience for me and I agree I will not abandon it just because of posts regarding this teacher. That is why I was asking for advice on how to get over the anger whenever I do come across a post referencing her.

I will try your suggestion of writing her name on a piece a paper and leaving it in church. I will try to give my anger to God. Thank you.

 

[sherlock11]

Thank you all for understanding where my anger comes from. I will try hard to work on forgiving the teacher using all the helpful suggestions.

To address a couple of posters concerns that I should have informed other future parents about this teacher’s behavior to special needs kids: it was not necessary as we knew the situation was taken care of; after my son completed his year with Ms. C, no other special needs kids were mainstreamed into her class. Was it because the principal and the special needs teacher were so outraged that they excluded her, or, was she so embarrassed that she never again requested to “teach” special needs kids? In any case, we never brought it up again and all future parent teacher meetings were held without her.

We had the support of our son’s Child’s Study Team. Had we not, I’m not sure if we would’ve “rocked the boat” and seek some sort of disciplinary action against the teacher (not even sure if it would have been warranted). As a parent of a special needs child, it’s hard for me to know how to feel let alone what to do in certain situations… as am I being too sensitive and perceiving slights where there aren’t any? There are also feelings of confusion, doubt, and embarrassment that perhaps whatever unsatisfactory outcome occurred was due to my son’s own needs and behavior. Also as a christian, I try to give everyone the benefit of doubt. So, it would have been highly unlikely for me to pursue any redress.

One more thing; after the meeting, and, again doubting my reaction, I reached out to a parent whose special needs son was mainstreamed in Ms. C’s class the year before my son was. I told her what happened and asked how her son’s experience was with Ms. C. She became very upset and apologized for what happened to my son. Her son was miserable in Ms. C’s classroom, but, she never spoke up about it due to her own ambivalence. She said she would relate her son’s experience to our Child Study Team.

I do not know if she had as I never mentioned it again with her. I tend to bury and forget any unpleasantness. Perhaps by doing so and having not addressed my unresolved feelings towards Ms. C, causes my anger to resurface every time I read about her. Again, I know my anger only hurts me. I will do my best to forgive her. Thank you all for your suggestions and insights. It has helped me.

 

[Allegra]

Thank you all for understanding where my anger comes from. I will try hard to work on forgiving the teacher using all the helpful suggestions.

To address a couple of posters concerns that I should have informed other future parents about this teacher’s behavior to special needs kids: it was not necessary as we knew the situation was taken care of; after my son completed his year with Ms. C, no other special needs kids were mainstreamed into her class. Was it because the principal and the special needs teacher were so outraged that they excluded her, or, was she so embarrassed that she never again requested to “teach” special needs kids? In any case, we never brought it up again and all future parent teacher meetings were held without her.

We had the support of our son’s Child’s Study Team. Had we not, I’m not sure if we would’ve “rocked the boat” and seek some sort of disciplinary action against the teacher (not even sure if it would have been warranted). As a parent of a special needs child, it’s hard for me to know how to feel let alone what to do in certain situations… as am I being too sensitive and perceiving slights where there aren’t any? There are also feelings of confusion, doubt, and embarrassment that perhaps whatever unsatisfactory outcome occurred was due to my son’s own needs and behavior. Also as a christian, I try to give everyone the benefit of doubt. So, it would have been highly unlikely for me to pursue any redress.

One more thing; after the meeting, and, again doubting my reaction, I reached out to a parent whose special needs son was mainstreamed in Ms. C’s class the year before my son was. I told her what happened and asked how her son’s experience was with Ms. C. She became very upset and apologized for what happened to my son. Her son was miserable in Ms. C’s classroom, but, she never spoke up about it due to her own ambivalence. She said she would relate her son’s experience to our Child Study Team.

I do not know if she had as I never mentioned it again with her. I tend to bury and forget any unpleasantness. Perhaps by doing so and having not addressed my unresolved feelings towards Ms. C, causes my anger to resurface every time I read about her. Again, I know my anger only hurts me. I will do my best to forgive her. Thank you all for your suggestions and insights. It has helped me.

I think you were right to expect the school not to allow two hours of your son’s school day to be wasted and you were right to be upset at the situation. No, you were not overreacting in the moment, and informing the other parent was the right thing to do. It’s your continued anger and resentment that are causing the problem.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

Thank you all for understanding where my anger comes from. I will try hard to work on forgiving the teacher using all the helpful suggestions.

To address a couple of posters concerns that I should have informed other future parents about this teacher’s behavior to special needs kids: it was not necessary as we knew the situation was taken care of; after my son completed his year with Ms. C, no other special needs kids were mainstreamed into her class. Was it because the principal and the special needs teacher were so outraged that they excluded her, or, was she so embarrassed that she never again requested to “teach” special needs kids? In any case, we never brought it up again and all future parent teacher meetings were held without her.

We had the support of our son’s Child’s Study Team. Had we not, I’m not sure if we would’ve “rocked the boat” and seek some sort of disciplinary action against the teacher (not even sure if it would have been warranted). As a parent of a special needs child, it’s hard for me to know how to feel let alone what to do in certain situations… as am I being too sensitive and perceiving slights where there aren’t any? There are also feelings of confusion, doubt, and embarrassment that perhaps whatever unsatisfactory outcome occurred was due to my son’s own needs and behavior. Also as a christian, I try to give everyone the benefit of doubt. So, it would have been highly unlikely for me to pursue any redress.

One more thing; after the meeting, and, again doubting my reaction, I reached out to a parent whose special needs son was mainstreamed in Ms. C’s class the year before my son was. I told her what happened and asked how her son’s experience was with Ms. C. She became very upset and apologized for what happened to my son. Her son was miserable in Ms. C’s classroom, but, she never spoke up about it due to her own ambivalence. She said she would relate her son’s experience to our Child Study Team.

I do not know if she had as I never mentioned it again with her. I tend to bury and forget any unpleasantness. Perhaps by doing so and having not addressed my unresolved feelings towards Ms. C, causes my anger to resurface every time I read about her. Again, I know my anger only hurts me. I will do my best to forgive her. Thank you all for your suggestions and insights. It has helped me.

There are a couple things that stand out to me here.

1. This happened well over a year ago.
2. It was resolved in a manner that seems to be acceptable
3. You continued to have your child in that class for the rest of the year.
4. Your child’s main teacher had no idea how her student was being treated every day or what they were doing in the main stream part of the education. That is concerning as well, but somehow, she (and the system) get a free pass on that one?
5. This teacher may very well be a great teacher who is not geared to handle special needs kids. By reputation she is a good teacher. (of course it appears special needs students should not be part of her job.)
6. The real issue is you. Your anger at a person and situation that was long ago resolved. Only you can control that. Not every kid and every parent and every teacher are a good match. I think it is fair if you have other special needs parents that were going to have their kids in that class to network about that teacher and special needs kids but it would seem as if that is not going to happen now. And if many parents find this particular teacher wonderful for their kids that would indicate that she probably has some redeeming qualities as an educator. And one you do not have to deal with anymore.

It is far past time to let this go. You should do so for your own spiritual health.

Am I right in thinking that some of these facebook posts are because it is the end of a school year. Others seem to have a good experience with her. Lets just assume that she is not the type of teacher who is best for mainstreaming kids.

 

[sherlock11]

It’s your continued anger and resentment that are causing the problem.

I am sorry, but, I don’t understand what you think is the problem. My anger towards this teacher is the problem. Hopefully, I can forgive the teacher and let it go. And please be aware, I do not show my anger to anyone.

 

[Allegra]

I am sorry, but, I don’t understand what you think is the problem. My anger towards this teacher is the problem. Hopefully, I can forgive the teacher and let it go. And please be aware, I do not show my anger to anyone.

I think the problem is your discomfort at the sight of your facebook friends praising this teacher you don’t like. Isn’t that the problem? I agree that forgiving is the best solution. You did everything you could do at the time. Now, the sooner you get over it, the sooner you can look at your facebook news feed without upset.

 

[Pianofish]

It seems like you’ve gotten quite a bit of advice here regarding how to handle your frustration so I won’t add to that. I just want to make another suggestion about seeing her posts on facebook. Another option is to block her on facebook, which can be done even if she’s not your friend. This way anything of hers won’t show up on your newsfeed even if a friend you have in common likes or comments on one of her posts. Another benefit is that she cannot see anything that you post (again, if a common friend likes/comments on yours) if you’d rather guarantee she not be able to see anything you post or do on facebook. Just a thought. I’ll say a prayer for you.