Anger in Response to Sleep Deprivation

[jcfw01]

I have a severly disabled child that suffers 24x7 with profound brain dysfunction including siezures. Particularly at times when we have to adjust her meds because of her developing a tolerance, my wife and I have to endure long periods of sleep deprivation (at 1 point almost a year went by before getting a complete night’s sleep).

I’m usually grumpy when I’m tired, but repeated night wakings often leads to extreme frustration and at times severe anger (sometimes needing reconciliation for what I say to God).

After a good night’s rest, I don’t have these feelings. They only occur when I’m enduring the lack of sleep.

An independent Christian friend of mine working on a “biblical counseling” degree shocked me by stating:“sleep depravation does not cause anger. Sleep depravation, like drugs and alcohol, brings out unloving attitudes that are already present in the heart. Things like anger, resentment, etc. They are sins that have not been dealt with.”
Does anyone else think this perspective is just plain nuts, or is he right and I have some inherit unloving attitudes that I need to deal with?

It is true that if I was fully conformed with Christ I would be able to endure completely, but I think my anger merely extends from frustration soley out of the fact that I NEED sleep - don’t humans need sleep by God’s own design?. Doesn’t Amnesty Int’l call sleep depreviation “cruel” and if used for long periods of time “torture”?

 

[leonie]

I have a severly disabled child that suffers 24x7 with profound brain dysfunction including siezures. Particularly at times when we have to adjust her meds because of her developing a tolerance, my wife and I have to endure long periods of sleep deprivation (at 1 point almost a year went by before getting a complete night’s sleep).

I’m usually grumpy when I’m tired, but repeated night wakings often leads to extreme frustration and at times severe anger (sometimes needing reconciliation for what I say to God).

After a good night’s rest, I don’t have these feelings. They only occur when I’m enduring the lack of sleep.

An independent Christian friend of mine working on a “biblical counseling” degree shocked me by stating:“sleep depravation does not cause anger. Sleep depravation, like drugs and alcohol, brings out unloving attitudes that are already present in the heart. Things like anger, resentment, etc. They are sins that have not been dealt with.”
Does anyone else think this perspective is just plain nuts, or is he right and I have some inherit unloving attitudes that I need to deal with?

It is true that if I was fully conformed with Christ I would be able to endure completely, but I think my anger merely extends from frustration soley out of the fact that I NEED sleep - don’t humans need sleep by God’s own design?. Doesn’t Amnesty Int’l call sleep depreviation “cruel” and if used for long periods of time “torture”?

I had to give up my middle of the night Holy Hour because the next day or two, I spent snapping at my kids.

I also don’t handle hunger very well. I get very irritable.

I’m sure you have some unloving attitudes, but doesn’t everyone? How silly. God bless you, your wife and your daughter. What a heavy cross for a parent to see his daughter suffer and then to give her selfless care night after night.

Don’t worry. And, try to get some sleep. If it really bothers you, you can talk to your confessor about it.

 

[LittleRose]

Hmm… grouchy when sleep deprived.

I think I’ve figured out the problem…You’re human!

I mean, think about babies and small children when they are tired. It’s cranky city. Adults are much the same way, only we manifest our grouchiness through other means than babyish crying and tempertantrums. Well, we like to think so, anyway. Must just be part of man’s fallen condition.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

I had twins…I know the sleep deprivation thing. The one didn’t sleep through the night until he was, I don’t know…six or so. When I was nursing, I used to joke that if the Moonies would kidnap me for a brainwashing weekend, maybe I could get some sleep. The worst was only for six months or so, and it was still awful. We only had a month or so when it wasn’t clear that they would thrive. After that, we had to get used to the idea that they had a hearing loss, and wouldn’t realize their dream of being firemen. That is such a shadow of what you have to deal with.

You have all my sympathy, and then some. I would be extremely surprised if the person trying to help you has ever been even remotely as tired in body or soul as you get. I hope you can forgive them that…you are very forgiving to even consider their question so fairly as you have.

From my point of view, the answers to your question of “who is nuts here?” are two versions of “it depends”:

a) it depends on whether you think sleep deprivation entitles you to act badly. It doesn’t. You sound like you know that. It sounds as if you are also well aware that you are bound to do your best to take care of yourself as the opportunity presents itself.

b) it depends on your answer to the question, “Am I always tempted to snap at people when I’m ‘put upon’, but manage to act otherwise when I’m not tired, or do I only feel ‘put upon’ when what I’m asked to do what is truly is a bit beyond my ability?”

The difference is akin to a doctor asking you whether your leg always hurts, but you manage not to limp except when you’re tired, or if you only limp when you’re tired and your legs ache. In the latter case, the limping and aches are direct symptoms of overuse. Try not to overuse, if you can, so you don’t break your body down, ice it down those times when the overuse can’t be helped, and you’ll be probably be okay. In the former case, being tired is the time when you can’t cover up a symptom that you should not be ignoring…get it checked out. You could have a serious disease eating you. If anger eats at you more often than you let it show, look into that. You really don’t sound as if it does, but only you and God can know for sure.

In any case, in the heat of battle I have found some help with a prayer version of “count to ten.” That is, when you find yourself starting to lose it, count to ten. In your case, there might be an exception if you are alone during an emergency, but I’ll bet that isn’t when you break down. When you do break down, it is usually true that no one will die if you give yourself a time out, or at least the damage won’t be as bad as if you start yelling in a demon-possessed voice.

The prayer part? “Help!” I liked the one from the daily office: “Oh, God, come to my assistance! O Lord, make haste to help me!” Deep breaths, prayer…and sometimes, if you can and if you need to, lock yourself in the bathroom with God and have a good cry. It is ok…even if you’re the dad, and not the mom. Jesus wept. You can, too. You can tell God *everything *about how you feel. God can handle it.

I also liked the version of the psalm:
They went out in tears, they went out in tears, carrying seed for the sowing.
They came back in joy, they came back in joy, carrying their sheaves.

You are in a passion. Like Jesus, you are in a position of powerlessness that you did not choose but in which you must remain faithful. He fell physically. You’re going to fall, too. He yelled, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” You will, too. I think you know all the directions that metaphor can go, because unless I miss my bet, you live there. That is the seed being sown in you, in your child, in the world through you.

Believe there will be sheaves, and when Simon of Cyrene has to help you…let him!
But don’t feel any need to apologize for bleeding. God doesn’t ask that of you. Neither should anyone else.

 

[LittleDeb]

jcfw01,
I’m sorry you are going through such a stressful time. Anger is not sinful, even Jesus got angry.

Sleep deprivation has a very serious impact on the mind and therefore on the emotions. My husband is a sleepwalker and it is worse when he is sleep deprived. Sometimes he gets angry then. Our former neighbor saw him in that state and made all sorts of nasty comments about what might be wrong with him.

Ignore people like that. Consult a real doctor about how to handle this terribly diffcult time. Sleep deprivation does some strange things to the mind. The doctor we consulted said it is helpful to put to rest any underlying stress from the past because that is what is triggered in that state. My husband, in that state, will be upset over something from 10 years ago that he didn’t even know he thought about. Sometimes I have asked him about it the next day and he is surprised to realize it had come up.

There is something to be said that sleep deprivation does bring out things similarly to the way alcohol and drugs do also. Though someone who claimed that it was past *sins *causing the problem would be suspect to me. A good Catholic psychologist we sought out after my husband sleep-drove (!) said that the brain must reset in order to be logical. A brain that doesn’t go into REM sleep only operates on emotion and auto-pilot.

Think of this way. If it had been a very happy occasion that you encountered while sleep deprived, you would probably have been very silly happy, more so than how you are normally. Your stressful situation is causing the sleep deprivation. You are responding to that situation.

May God bless you and your precious family. :angel1:

 

[jcfw01]

Wow! Everyone posting here has some great counseling. I should qualify that the anger I’m referring to is in the middle of the night and only about getting back to sleep.

Fortunately, her most recent wakefullness in the middle of the night begins with her trying to make sounds and then giggling in response for up to three hours. Even while extremely tired this giggling helps undermine the frustrating/anger feelings.

 

[Magicsilence]

Wow! Everyone posting here has some great counseling. I should qualify that the anger I’m referring to is in the middle of the night and only about getting back to sleep.

Fortunately, her most recent wakefullness in the middle of the night begins with her trying to make sounds and then giggling in response for up to three hours. Even while extremely tired this giggling helps undermine the frustrating/anger feelings.

Don’t ignore the feelings of anger. Sometimes things irritate us, even when we know that the problem is with us. I don’t think they are indicative of a secret “bad you”, but a natural response when you are sleepy. My little brother gets sooo mad when i wake him up because he has slept on the sofa and I need to take him upstairs. What causes this? I don’t know. Half the time, he doesnt remember saying anything.

Sleep is necessary, and it is normal to want it!

Keep trying to control the anger. Channel it. Don’t let it control you.

Peace and God Bless!

 

[wcknight]

Initial anger at being awaken late at night is very understandable. Sleep is very necessary. However, we can control our anger once we realize that this is the mood that we are in.

When you think about it we “allow” oursleves to get angry or to stay angry". IF we refuse to allow anger to take over it won’t. If you are determined not to be angry, no one can make you angry even if they tried.

Offer up you frustration for the Holy Souls in Purgatory and your sleep deprivation will be going towards a good cause. You are already doing a good thing in caring for your child, so it is perfectly excusable to feel a bit irritable in having to get up well before you are well rested. When you think about how much you are worried about your child, and how much they need you, my bet is that you can’t stay angry very long.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

Wow! Everyone posting here has some great counseling. I should qualify that the anger I’m referring to is in the middle of the night and only about getting back to sleep.

Fortunately, her most recent wakefullness in the middle of the night begins with her trying to make sounds and then giggling in response for up to three hours. Even while extremely tired this giggling helps undermine the frustrating/anger feelings.

Oh, and by the way…the blanket statement that sleep deprivation does not bring on anger is nuts. Your frustrated expectation of getting a full night’s sleep once in awhile over the course of a year is not unreasonable. You need sleep. You need sleep in order to cope with frustration in a loving way. You need it just to function. Sleep deprivation can bring on bone fide psychosis, after all. It certainly is capable, in and of itself, of putting an otherwise peaceable and giving person in a bad mood and capable of robbing them of their self-control.

What is being demanded of you goes far beyond the normal demands of parenting. Unlike my trials, yours are not going to be “grown out of”.

This raises two questions:

Do the two of you ever get a scheduled night off? You sound like prime candidates for respite care. Yes, I mean all night. Together. With uninterrupted sleep and maybe even an uninterrupted breakfast. Wow.

Have you and your spouse tried “shift work”? When my twins were babies, my husband made sure I got to sleep from 9 pm until 1 am. Even if the kids were awake, I went to sleep at 9 pm. Except in emergencies too big for one (both of the kids especially sick, with messes to clean up, for instance, or concurrent colic), he did not disturb me until 1 am. After 1 am, I got up and took care of any problems and let him sleep. Having that four guarded hours made a huge difference. There were many nights when I really looked forward to nine o’clock!

If you are in a support group with other parents of special needs kids, this would be a great topic to ask them about.

 

[KathleenElsie]

Sleep deprivation is hard on the body. So watch that you care for yourself physically also. The others gave you good advice.

When we were fostering a special needs child and that child was up most nights my husband and I took turns when he did not have to work the next day. As a stay at home mother I felt it was my place to let him sleep as best I could. And yes I could be very grumpy when I did not get uninterrupted sleep. Respite might be available in your area for that occasional night of sleep.

God bless and keep you and yours.

 

[ElizabethPH]

I just want to say God Bless you and your family. I am a crazy person when sleep deprived. I say awful things I don’t mean etc etc. I never used to be like that…but my life changed when I had a loss. So I think a lot of it has to do with that. And after I’ve slept I can’t believe I’ve behaved like that. This thread sure has helped me. Thanks all.

 

[Cristiano]

Wow! Everyone posting here has some great counseling. I should qualify that the anger I’m referring to is in the middle of the night and only about getting back to sleep.

Fortunately, her most recent wakefullness in the middle of the night begins with her trying to make sounds and then giggling in response for up to three hours. Even while extremely tired this giggling helps undermine the frustrating/anger feelings.

I think that anger has to do do with something real and not just with the lack of sleep. I know my father would get angry when we, the children were sick. Now I tend to do the same when my son is sick, and I cannot really do anything about it but to watch him suffer and wait. That it is even worse at night when you cannot call a doctor as easily as you would do it during the day. I think that in most cases we feel physically vulnerable because of the lack of sleep. If you add that to the sense of impotence to fully help your sick child, then you have anger.

 

[minkymurph]

Does sleep deprivation come under diminished responsiblility? addictions do. I adore my children but sometimes I get so angry with them. So much so that I’m afraid to tell anyone. I’m even afraid to go to confession because the way I have treated them when I’m angry seems so terrible and I feel I shouldn’t be angry with them because they are children, I am an adult and I should manage myself better. I do go to confession when I have the chance but I feel it’s a bit of a ritual because I can’t stop loosing my temper and maybe a waste of time. I also feel guilty because I don’t go into detail on my actions just that I have lost my temper. Perhaps anyone who reads this will pray for me. I need all the help I can get.

 

[jcfw01]

Do the two of you ever get a scheduled night off? You sound like prime candidates for respite care. Yes, I mean all night. Together. With uninterrupted sleep and maybe even an uninterrupted breakfast. Wow.

We’ve been on the waiting list for a long time and it may be many years before that option is finally available to us. Unfortunately, my daughter is so disabled (like Terri Schiavo) that she actually rates a lower need than intermediate mentally challenged children and adults.

Taking care of her is a function of who has the most energy. My wife is exhausted homeschooling the oldest three, taking care of this one and our one year old who has Downs Syndrome, and now that she is in the first trimester with another child she doesn’t have a lot of energy. For me, I’m a contract worker and I bill 50-60 hours a week and I’m going to school full time.

Thanks to everyone on their wisdom.

 

[whatevergirl]

I have a severly disabled child that suffers 24x7 with profound brain dysfunction including siezures. Particularly at times when we have to adjust her meds because of her developing a tolerance, my wife and I have to endure long periods of sleep deprivation (at 1 point almost a year went by before getting a complete night’s sleep).

I’m usually grumpy when I’m tired, but repeated night wakings often leads to extreme frustration and at times severe anger (sometimes needing reconciliation for what I say to God).

After a good night’s rest, I don’t have these feelings. They only occur when I’m enduring the lack of sleep.

An independent Christian friend of mine working on a “biblical counseling” degree shocked me by stating:“sleep depravation does not cause anger. Sleep depravation, like drugs and alcohol, brings out unloving attitudes that are already present in the heart. Things like anger, resentment, etc. They are sins that have not been dealt with.”
Does anyone else think this perspective is just plain nuts, or is he right and I have some inherit unloving attitudes that I need to deal with?

It is true that if I was fully conformed with Christ I would be able to endure completely, but I think my anger merely extends from frustration soley out of the fact that I NEED sleep - don’t humans need sleep by God’s own design?. Doesn’t Amnesty Int’l call sleep depreviation “cruel” and if used for long periods of time “torture”?

Ugh…I feel for you. I am sorry for your situation, and I pray for your family…

Re: sleep deprivation…I’m not sure if I believe that we are, according to what you’ve heard…‘harboring sins and they are coming out when we are tired.’ No, I mean…we are human. We need sleep. lol Plain and simple. I have read that the devil likes to tempt us when we are vulnerable though. He sees you are weak during your time of sleeplessness…who wouldn’t be after losing so much sleep? I have read that we ‘should never go too hungry, too tired…too thirsty…’ for Satan lies in waiting for our weak moments. I think that it’s obvious you cannot live the rest of your lives with no sleep. Is there any way to set a schedule where you and your wife take turns with waking up? That way, at some point…you are both getting sleep. This isn’t selfish, this is healthy to get sleep…and if you tend to your sleep, you will be better spouses for one another and better parents, for your child. If that is not possible, I think that this could just be a test like so much in life. I am not sure what the test is about, necessarily…but like I said…Satan likes to poke at us when we are tired…when we are vulnerable. Start taking notice of that, and you will start to see that you can conquer the desire to be snippy…even when you feel at your weakest.

I will pray for you guys!! Hope I’ve helped a little.

 

[Lorarose]

You need sleep. Sleep deprivation can make you loopy, impatient, depressed and angry.
You feel awful…which leads to the depression and the anger.

It is a danger to you and even to the child to continue without some plan to address the sleep deprivation.

I wish I could tell how to get help…but I just wanted to offer confirmation to your hunch that sleep deprivation, in itself, can affect your behavior.
I think your friend was trying to help, but doesn’t know what he is talking about.

 

[Lance]

**Does anyone else think this perspective is just plain nuts, or is he right and I have some inherit unloving attitudes that I need to deal with?**

It is true that if I was fully conformed with Christ I would be able to endure completely, but I think my anger merely extends from frustration soley out of the fact that I NEED sleep - don't humans need sleep by God's own design?.  Doesn't Amnesty Int'l call sleep depreviation "cruel" and if used for long periods of time "torture"?

With an attitude like that I hope your friend never gets any sort of counseling degree or job. You are correct that sleep depravation is considered by many to be a form of torture. Lets give your friend about 2 hrs. of sleep a night for a week or two and see what kind of mood she is in!

By the way anger and resentment are not sins, they are emotions. Anyone with 2 hours of counseling training should know that. Christ got angry at the money changers in the temple. You should strongly suggest to your friend that she persue a new career.

 

[gardenswithkids]

With an attitude like that I hope your friend never gets any sort of counseling degree or job. You are correct that sleep depravation is considered by many to be a form of torture. …By the way anger and resentment are not sins, they are emotions.

Some use sleep deprivation as a form of torture for a reason–to get information out of the torture victum that the victum never would have otherwise revealed. I think many are being a little hard on the counselor friend. I think the counsellor might have a valid point.

The original poster sounds like a wonderful parent, but we all have faults. The op didn’t just say that he’s angry at not getting enough sleep; he said he gets to the point of needing reconciliation for what he says. I completely understand, as I feel less charitable when sleep deprived or hungry. Not just the emotions surface–sometimes words surface and I say things I regret too. So I go to confession and try again, hoping the next time I last a little longer. This is the way we grow in grace.

It’s easier to be kind when we have met basic bodily needs. It’s much harder to be kind when faced with sleep deprivation. Yet God calls us to be kind in all circumstances. God gives the grace and opportunity to show kindness even if we’re very tired. My baby woke me up a couple of times last night, :yawn: so I’m not just writing this for the original poster but to remind myself as well.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

It’s easier to be kind when we have met basic bodily needs. It’s much harder to be kind when faced with sleep deprivation. Yet God calls us to be kind in all circumstances. God gives the grace and opportunity to show kindness even if we’re very tired. My baby woke me up a couple of times last night, :yawn: so I’m not just writing this for the original poster but to remind myself as well.

Sleep deprivation of the kind most people are likely to experience does not cause anger. That doesn’t cover every instance of sleep deprivation, not by a long shot.

Remember, though, that the OP is not talking about getting up a couple of times in a night to feed a healthy child. He’s talking about getting up many times a night, night after night after night, for a seriously disabled child with profound neurological deficits. Imagine just the strain of watching your precious child struggle with that kind of health problems, imagine the strain of having a child that makes that kind of demands, then add to those two the realization that your child’s condition may never get better.

My own experience, in which my twins were on a cycle where they were feeding about every ninety minutes, tells me that there gets to be a point where making a rational choice is a superhuman feat. I would do mine over again before I tried his.

Sleep deprivation and emotional trauma can go beyond bringing out your bad side to a point where the combination of deprivation and trauma is itself the bad side. This can even get to a point where psychosis is reached. At some point well before that, feeling anger has nothing to do with not trying hard enough. We may as well say that because we can keep warm by moving around that we can stave off frostbite by willing it. Not acting on it is necessary, yes, but no less heroic for that.

There are limits to what the body can do. We all know that Jesus said that you have to take up your cross and follow Him. We also know that He fell under His own cross, had to have someone else carry His cross, yet never sinned.

 

[gardenswithkids]

…there gets to be a point where making a rational choice is a superhuman feat…At some point well before that, feeling anger has nothing to do with not trying hard enough. …There are limits to what the body can do. We all know that Jesus said that you have to take up your cross and follow Him. We also know that He fell under His own cross, had to have someone else carry His cross, yet never sinned.

Grace offers the opportunity to get to know ourselves and rely on God for grace. It may well be that caring for a severely disabled child when one is sleep deprived is a superhuman feat. I wrote nothing about “not trying hard enough”; I wrote of trying again. Try again and ask for God’s grace to achieve the superhuman feat of living holy lives. Our best human efforts achieve nothing without the grace of God.

I’m not writing this to criticize the op. But he acknowledged that this situation brings him to the point of sinning, and the counselor’s advice seemed to me helpful by trying to address any underlying sin. If it were me, I’d probably have anger issues to deal with in that situation–I might even be irrationally anger at God at the unfairness of my child beautiful being ill. Anger may be a perfectly normal human response, but we are called to rise above our fallen human nature.

Certainly I understand the tendacy to sin–I commit sins everyday. I don’t wish for the op’s cross; I don’t carry my own cross well some days. Yet we are called to pick up our cross, even when we fall. Maybe the op need to look for additional assistance, or pray that God provides him with a “Simon of Cyrene” to help him carry his cross and avoid sin.