Anger & intentional snubs

[Tellme_my_rites]

How do I replace anger with forgiveness? How about when certain family members know when to say something they know gets under your skin (something you’re trying to put behind you). Some people advised me to just think “they aren’t doing it to you, their just doing it”. I don’t like that advice at all because it totally disregards one’s ability to discern the behavior of another. Though there are times I may not be accurate, there are times my ability to discern is. I don’t like pretending a direct insult didn’t happen when it really did. I think most of us have the ability to know when that truly happens, after all, we are not always incapable of knowing. There has got to be a better way to forgive those who know how to rub you the wrong way most. I don’t want to pretend. I would like your help in the True way of prudence and reconcilation so I can gain the inner peace of Christ during such opportunities.

 

[RubyWannabe]

Hi, tellme,
You don’t say what relationship this is in or what type of comments are being made, so it’s hard to know exactly. But, in general, 1 Corinthians 13:5 covers this: “(Love) is not provokes, does not take into a account a wrong suffered,…”

You are not pretending if you deal with it in your own mind and then decide to forgive the offense and let it go. If you think it is warranted, say to the person “When you say this, it makes me feel (insert a kind, gentle truth here.) I have a hard time with it, but I love you and can forgive you.” Something like that.

Make sure you understand WHY the person is saying what they’re saying. Perhaps they are trying to make you understand something that has a basis in reality. Maybe they’re just pushing your buttons or being nasty. Perhaps they are hurt and trying to make you feel what they feel. Try sincerely to discern what’s happening, with humility.

I hope that helps.

 

[kage_ar]

Unless you are blessed with the rare gift of reading hearts (as was St. Pio), you can not know for certain what the motivation is behind words.

Perhaps that is WHY Scripture tells us to bear wrongs patiently.

 

[Catherine_S]

How do I replace anger with forgiveness? How about when certain family members know when to say something they know gets under your skin (something you’re trying to put behind you). Some people advised me to just think “they aren’t doing it to you, their just doing it”. I don’t like that advice at all because it totally disregards one’s ability to discern the behavior of another. Though there are times I may not be accurate, there are times my ability to discern is. I don’t like pretending a direct insult didn’t happen when it really did. I think most of us have the ability to know when that truly happens, after all, we are not always incapable of knowing. There has got to be a better way to forgive those who know how to rub you the wrong way most. I don’t want to pretend. I would like your help in the True way of prudence and reconcilation so I can gain the inner peace of Christ during such opportunities.

*The next time a family member does this…in a calm but **firm *manner tell them the truth…
*"I am trying to put this behind me…their name…and I would appreciate it very much if you did not bring it up again. *

My two :twocents: worth.

 

[masscup]

How do I replace anger with forgiveness? How about when certain family members know when to say something they know gets under your skin (something you’re trying to put behind you). Some people advised me to just think “they aren’t doing it to you, their just doing it”. I don’t like that advice at all because it totally disregards one’s ability to discern the behavior of another. Though there are times I may not be accurate, there are times my ability to discern is. I don’t like pretending a direct insult didn’t happen when it really did. I think most of us have the ability to know when that truly happens, after all, we are not always incapable of knowing. There has got to be a better way to forgive those who know how to rub you the wrong way most. I don’t want to pretend. I would like your help in the True way of prudence and reconcilation so I can gain the inner peace of Christ during such opportunities.

This may sound like a cynical non-christian answer but I believe it may work.

When you say “when certain family members know when to say something they know gets under your skin (something you’re trying to put behind you).”

I would ask him why he (or she) says that? It sounds like they’re saying it on purpose. I would ask them in front of witnesses why they are intentionally trying to bring something up that you have put behind you. Let them know you have put that subject in the past and let them know (again, in front of witnesses) that any further inquiries will only validate how mean and vindictive this person is trying to be. You would appreciate it if the subject was not broached again. If they were “unaware” it is a subject you would rather forget, they’ll apologize and you can both move forward. However, if they are being malicious and continue, you can point out that you’ve made attempts to put the subject in the past and since this other person cannot refrain from bringing up this sore subject, you will not interact with them anymore.

Forgiving them is not the issue. Getting them to cease the teasing is first and foremost.

 

[whatevergirl]

How do I replace anger with forgiveness? How about when certain family members know when to say something they know gets under your skin (something you’re trying to put behind you). Some people advised me to just think “they aren’t doing it to you, their just doing it”. I don’t like that advice at all because it totally disregards one’s ability to discern the behavior of another. Though there are times I may not be accurate, there are times my ability to discern is. I don’t like pretending a direct insult didn’t happen when it really did. I think most of us have the ability to know when that truly happens, after all, we are not always incapable of knowing. There has got to be a better way to forgive those who know how to rub you the wrong way most. I don’t want to pretend. I would like your help in the True way of prudence and reconcilation so I can gain the inner peace of Christ during such opportunities.

You know, there’s nothing wrong or unChristian like in telling someone…‘I really don’t appreciate those comments anymore. I would appreciate if you didn’t say those things to me…I am past ‘that’ now (whatever that is) and just really don’t care for you saying those things.’ If the person says…‘I’m just joking around.’ (which is often a common come back for people who insult others) I would say…‘I’m not laughing though.’ I remember my sister teasing me about things I did when I was a teenager…and finally one day…(after having two kids–I’m a grown woman by this point)…I said…‘I really don’t think it’s necessary to bring that stuff up anymore…I was a kid. Do you want me to bring up all the dumb things you’ve done?’ (granted my remark was a bit more confrontational) But, it stopped.

You don’t have to put up with anyone insulting you, or saying things in ‘joking’ ways, if it truly bothers you. I would say my piece, and be done with it. I think meeting something head on, is the best thing. Pray for people who do these things to…pray that your relationship will get better. I wish you good luck!

 

[chevalier]

It might be a good idea to get over insults. You have no obligation to avenge them. You need to defend yourself from attacks and you may need to react to insults in order to prevent future ones, but this doesn’t mean you have to fish out and avenge every insult someone makes. If it’s not intentional, you don’t need to care and if it is… it’s partly up to you how much you allow it to affect you.

 

[Tellme_my_rites]

This may sound like a cynical non-christian answer but I believe it may work.

When you say “when certain family members know when to say something they know gets under your skin (something you’re trying to put behind you).”

I would ask him why he (or she) says that? It sounds like they’re saying it on purpose. I would ask them in front of witnesses why they are intentionally trying to bring something up that you have put behind you. Let them know you have put that subject in the past and let them know (again, in front of witnesses) that any further inquiries will only validate how mean and vindictive this person is trying to be. You would appreciate it if the subject was not broached again. If they were “unaware” it is a subject you would rather forget, they’ll apologize and you can both move forward. However, if they are being malicious and continue, you can point out that you’ve made attempts to put the subject in the past and since this other person cannot refrain from bringing up this sore subject, you will not interact with them anymore.

Forgiving them is not the issue. Getting them to cease the teasing is first and foremost.

The problem is, I have some regrets that hurt this individual in an indirect way. I really think they ponder on it every now and again, giving less respect to me as they would other family members. I believe they set up an image of me over these regrets that they cannot put behind them. No matter what improvements I have made over the years in my ability to speak with prudence, they can’t get over a few instances years ago (the times I spoke first and thought later). As a result, I begin to ponder over these little instances done to me more frequently. I can honestly admit, I don’t fight fire with fire. I have this nagging attitude though that says “others are supposed to forgive”. IF they don’t know how or, they aren’t at a level where forgiveness is easy for them (like me in this situation) what should I do? This whole matter really has to do more with their hurt on how I used to openly (often without prudence) speak my beliefs that offended them. I really think they aren’t trying to be vindictive as much as these reoccuring thoughts hurt them and they cannot forgive well. How do I forgive those who cannot forgive well? What should I do?

 

[Norseman82]

The problem is, I have some regrets that hurt this individual in an indirect way. I really think they ponder on it every now and again, giving less respect to me as they would other family members. I believe they set up an image of me over these regrets that they cannot put behind them. No matter what improvements I have made over the years in my ability to speak with prudence, they can’t get over a few instances years ago (the times I spoke first and thought later). As a result, I begin to ponder over these little instances done to me more frequently. I can honestly admit, I don’t fight fire with fire. I have this nagging attitude though that says “others are supposed to forgive”. IF they don’t know how or, they aren’t at a level where forgiveness is easy for them (like me in this situation) what should I do? This whole matter really has to do more with their hurt on how I used to openly (often without prudence) speak my beliefs that offended them. I really think they aren’t trying to be vindictive as much as these reoccuring thoughts hurt them and they cannot forgive well. How do I forgive those who cannot forgive well? What should I do?

Without more specific examples (and it is understandable if you don’t want to go into more detail) it is hard to give advice regarding what to do. It is very possible that the opinions and beliefs you expressed simply was you standing up for the faith, and unless you were blantant in uncharity you need not have anything to seek forgiveness for. It could just be chalked up to persecution or normal family squabbles; it might be more serious or abusive; it is hard to tell so far.

However, I do want you to read the following scripture passages (you may link online: usccb.org/nab/bible/index.htm ):

Mark 3:5
Matthew 18:15-17
Ephesians 4:26-27

Also see the following threads:

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=211493

forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=215915

 

[masscup]

The problem is, I have some regrets that hurt this individual in an indirect way.

**Did you apologize or make amends for this “regrets”? If so, how did it end? Did they forgive you or at least agree to let it die? **

I really think they ponder on it every now and again, giving less respect to me as they would other family members. I believe they set up an image of me over these regrets that they cannot put behind them.

The issue is not whether or not they can put it behind them, but rather the issue is their reoccurring reminder of past events; events that you do not want to relive on a continual basis

No matter what improvements I have made over the years in my ability to speak with prudence, they can’t get over a few instances years ago (the times I spoke first and thought later). As a result, I begin to ponder over these little instances done to me more frequently. I can honestly admit, I don’t fight fire with fire. I have this nagging attitude though that says “others are supposed to forgive”. IF they don’t know how or, they aren’t at a level where forgiveness is easy for them (like me in this situation) what should I do?

The issue is really not whether or not they can forgive you. If you made a sincere apology, and have made numerous attempts to amend and/or put this instance behind you, then they need to learn that it is not a topic open for either conversation or comment. If they cannot halt their “reminders”, then let it be known your presence will no longer be possible if this individual is around. Then perhaps you might be able to have a family member mediate for you.

This whole matter really has to do more with their hurt on how I used to openly (often without prudence) speak my beliefs that offended them. I really think they aren’t trying to be vindictive as much as these reoccuring thoughts hurt them and they cannot forgive well. How do I forgive those who cannot forgive well? What should I do?

I think your desire to “forgive” them is misplaced. (no offense) I believe this situation has not developed to a position where forgiveness has come into play from your side. For you to forgive this others’ actions, then they have to stop their actions. Herein lies the real issue. Once they stop then the healing and forgiveness can begin.

Disclaimer:
These thoughts are only my opinion based on the information put forward. I am not offering professional advice nor do I claim to be a professional counselor.

 

[Tellme_my_rites]

I think your desire to “forgive” them is misplaced. (no offense) I believe this situation has not developed to a position where forgiveness has come into play from your side. For you to forgive this others’ actions, then they have to stop their actions. Herein lies the real issue. Once they stop then the healing and forgiveness can begin.

Because I revealed so little info, it’s hard for anyone to understand how I should handle this. I do agree, one should speak up when another starts giving intentional snubs. However, with prudence. I do think though that forgiving is easier than I once thought (which is the other half of the problem). Honestly, one doesn’t have to wait to have them to stop for the healing to begin. Christ didn’t wait for His persecutors to stop crucifying Him in order to forgive them. You are right that I should speak up and not be a doormatt, but we CAN forgive others who intentionally hurt us and who cannot forgive well, precisely because they are weak and cannot currently help what they do. Looking upon others for what they truly are (weak) can be comforting, and helps me replace my own anger with mercy - which to me is the most important matter. We are supposed to be examples of Christ. Christ had enough mercy in Him for everyone. If I have to wait for another to stop in order to forgive, that is like saying there is not enough mercy in me to do so for just one, maybe a handful of people on my list of difficult people. I think it all boils down to how I decide to handle it. I wouldn’t doubt one bit that the reason people insult or purposely hurt others has more to do with their own hurt than a desire to be malicious. Knowing this, is a great comfort and consolation when dealing with difficult people.

Disclaimer:
These thoughts are only my opinion based on the information put forward. I am not offering professional advice nor do I claim to be a professional counselor.

 

[jmcrae]

How do I replace anger with forgiveness? How about when certain family members know when to say something they know gets under your skin (something you’re trying to put behind you). Some people advised me to just think “they aren’t doing it to you, their just doing it”. I don’t like that advice at all because it totally disregards one’s ability to discern the behavior of another. Though there are times I may not be accurate, there are times my ability to discern is. I don’t like pretending a direct insult didn’t happen when it really did. I think most of us have the ability to know when that truly happens, after all, we are not always incapable of knowing. There has got to be a better way to forgive those who know how to rub you the wrong way most. I don’t want to pretend. I would like your help in the True way of prudence and reconcilation so I can gain the inner peace of Christ during such opportunities.

Quite honestly, there are certain people in my life that I have just made a decision that they are congenital idiots, despite their outward appearance of normality.

When they say rude things, I put those comments into the same mental box that I put the outbursts of mentally retarded people and drunkards, and then I think nothing more of it.

 

[Norseman82]

precisely because they are weak and cannot currently help what they do

BALONEY! Unless they’re total retards, they most certainly can help what they do! What you are describing is not forgiveness, but enablement.

Have you had a chance to look over the scripture passages I posted? I think you should, because it could clear up a few misconceptions that some people erroneously build up as the “Chrstian way”.

 

[Norseman82]

My apologies for the use of the term “retard”. But my general point remains: the aforementioned people can indeed help what they do.

The use of the term “drunkard” is not out of line, though; it is used in the Bible.

 

[stdymphna]

a book that i am reading for Lent might be helpful for you. it is by Fulton Sheen, entitled The Cross and The Beatitudes: Lessons on Love and Forgiveness. it has been a tremendous help to me, and I’m only on lesson 2!