Anger towards my mother

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humblejumble

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I have a deep underlying anger towards my mother and I don’t know why. I am in my early 30s and have felt this way since I was a teen, though it has got much worse over the past few years. In childhood she was my idol. In theory she has been a good mother and by rights I have nothing to be angry about but I keep replaying things that she has done or said over and over in my mind (there aren’t even that many). She is a good person but is not frequently demonstrative of any loving feelings she might have for me, although she isn’t exactly cold or admonishing as such. She has had a very hard life and endured massive heartache so I try desperately to feel compassion for her, and remind myself of how much I appreciate the mothering that she did give me.

However, over the years my feelings have almost turned into fear which is confusing as she was never abusive towards me. I almost feel brainwashed but I don’t even know what I mean by that! The thought of being in her company makes me feel scared and resentful and I don’t know why. I feel like she can see through me and knows what I am thinking about everything, and that it always displeases her. My feelings are very messed up and I need some prayers or advice please. I feel so guilty to be feeling like this. Sometimes I can’t even look at her because of these messed up feelings. We don’t live near each other so only see each other every few months.

My brother seems to feel the same from the things that he has said, but I feel too frightened to talk about her to anyone, so I am bottling these feelings up. I don’t even tell my husband how I’m feeling because that would be a massive betrayal.

I could never bring this up with her because she would get very angry and upset and it would turn into a horrible cold fallout, which I hate. Please can someone advise or pray for me?
 
Wow, I am twice your age and have felt the same way about my Mother for years. I am in constant prayer to resolve these feelings. Perhaps we both need to ask for more help from God to get past this. I am praying for you.
 
Omega: thank you, I think I felt your prayers…my mood lifted at around the time you made your post x

Mountee, I’m sorry that you feel that way too. I will pray for you to so that you can find some peace in your relationship too x
 
It might be a good idea to seek out a Catholic therapist. If both you and your brother are feeling this negativity it would be helpful to figure out why and then once you understand you can move on to forgiveness. If your mother had a very difficult chidlhood she may need theray also but many older people will never seek it. Talk to a good therapist and your priest. Go to confession also since that is very healing.I wish you the best and will pray for you today.
 
Thank you Demetra. Deep down I think I do need some form of counselling but a voice in my head tells me that I don’t deserve it because I wasn’t beaten and traumatised like my mother was. Its like I don’t know what the rules are to be a good daughter. I’m always scared I’ve done it wrong and it will upset her and then I feel wretched because she has had enough to deal with in her life.

What to do! :confused:
 
It may be that feeling exists because of the way your mother handles her affairs not that she has done anything in particular that you can p(name removed by moderator)oint. Sometimes it is just the way people are in their personality that others just can’t stand them. Even in little unimportant things.

I had a boss one time who didn’t like someone in our group. I asked him why. He said because “he is John.” Personalities clash. Does anyone know how to fix that?

The best thing to do is to thank God for your mother, and when you feel uncomfortable around her, thank God again that you have a mother, and offer this discomfort up to our dear Lord for all the abuse you and others have given to him over the years. It gives us a better appreciation of what he went thru for us in his love for us. To handle this in this way will bring blessings down on you and your mother.

Just a thought.
 
Thanks Fred, that is a useful way to look at it. I really do try to remind myself of how lucky I am and then I feel so guilty for having these thoughts. I will try to hand these feelings over. You are right, personlaity may have a big part to play in it but I will conti nue to pray. Thanks for the perspective.
 
Omega, it was actually quite weird! All of a sudden i thought ‘oh i feel a lot better, I’ll go and make something to eat!’ When i came back to the computer and saw your post, I knew the reason why 🙂
 
My mind was crowded with childhood memories that were clouded with every pain and suffering I had endured. By the grace of God all of that was lifted and I was free after decades.

All I can tell you is how God lead me to my personal healing. For I believe he treats us all according to our unique needs. It took me over a year to give a good/contrite confession. Someone else may struggle with this and/or with some other sacrament.

I felt drawn to St. Joseph and went on a pilgrimage retreat, confession, daily mass, brown scapular and daily rosary. From that retreat I learned about the writings of St. Louis de Montfort, The Secret of Mary. I followed the 33 day prep. for Consecration to Jesus through Mary in Union with Joseph. After the retreat I felt a drawn to prayer in honor of the Holy Family I started making rosaries.

A year went by while re-reading St. Faustina’s *Divine Mercy in My Soul * started daily reciting the chaplet and I went on a pilgrimage on Divine Mercy Sunday. I donated the rosaries I had made to the free table. For rest of the year to a week into December I read the passages of other Saints works, sacred scripture, CCC, and Divine Office morning prayers, I started to offer up my daily duties.

One day I thought about all the unfair treatment I suffered under as a child and I told God I wanted to offer up all my suffering for poor souls in purgatory or sinners on this earth how ever he saw fit.

The next day I watched a discussion on TV by a priest about forgiveness. I can’t tell you all of what the priest spoke about but I found my heart being massaged by him. I found myself telling God, “I forgive anyone who has ever mistreated me in anyway”. Boom! I felt a huge weight lift off of my chest, just like that. I was a bit surprised but thrilled too.

The next day suddenly I felt a strong urge to fast. I thought this a bit weird because it was in the middle of Advent season usually a time of cooking and eating I find it difficult during Lent to fast. However it was like a light switch went off and I stuck to a very tight fasting with no soda (which I had been addicted to for 20 years). I continued this fasting, prayer, work, confession, rosary for a couple of weeks.
It was the day prior to Christmas Eve and our new Bishop had come to give us his fatherly blessing passed on by our parish priest. I went to mass twice that weekend to recieve it twice I loved the feeling I got so much.
A few days later and suddenly while doing the morning dishes I felt a pouring of Love into my heart and all the background noise worries, fears and cares of this world left me for a day and a half !

When it started to slowly pull back I cherished every second that next evening I felt such gratitude toward God for all he had done for me. That night I recieved a phone call from my step mother that my Father had passed away on the 23 (I realized later this was the day our new Bishop had stepped into our church to pass on the Father’s blessing). I was able to respond in such a loving way to her and I didn’t loose any peace over not being called sooner or being able to be there. I thanked her for being with him. After experiencing God’s gift I desired nothing but to be recieving Christ at mass. The next day was the feast day of The Holy Family.

I like so many others know that God is Love and he acts as he feels that particular soul needs to fully embrace the truth and let go with no fear in order to embrace Him. This is part of my journey I believe I needed to go on. I don’t know why others never feel Him, I suppose for their faith is stronger then mine.
What I do know is gratitude, love & peace.

“Love is patient, Love is kind, It does not envy, It does not boast, it is not proud, Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered; It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil, But rejoices with the truth. It always protects, Always trusts, Always perseveres. Love never fails.”
1 Corinthians 13:4-8 ❤️
 
Wow Becky, thank you so much for sharing your story…it is truly inspirational. I am feeling so much better today and think that yesterday’s negative thoughts were the result of a down day. But, I have learned that prayer, fasting and confession are useful in helping us cut the ties with our own bad feeings and move closer to God. I’m ashamed to say I haven’t been to Confession in a (very) long time but am now gearing myself up to go.
Thank you so much for your reply, you have really helped me.
x
 
HumbleJ.,
You are welcome, honestly it is all His doing. All we need do is echo Mary’s Fiat.
(Saying a big “YES!” to Him.)
Confession is where miracles take place every day. I know it is a sacrament that many do not avail themselves to due to a multitude of reasons. At first I feared of what I would say. I examined my conscience and wrote down everything, but then I realized, “Just talk to Him in all sincerity straight from your heart.” He will do the rest.
His grace slowly made me aware of my true state and I slowly turned my mind away from what the world says is okay and just to follow His way. He prompts and urges everything else. Treating us all with love and respect with where we are and work He has for us to do in this world. I guess taking my anguish away once I let go and allowed Him to work in me. Now I know, we are never alone, when we believe.
So greatful to have been some help.
B.Now

“Only in this friendship do we experience beauty and liberation…When we give ourselves to Him, we receive a hundredfold in return. Yes, open, open wide the doors to Christ – and you will find true life.” Pope Benedict XVI
:bible1:
 
humblejumble said:
I have a deep underlying anger towards my mother and I don’t know why. I am in my early 30s and have felt this way since I was a teen, though it has got much worse over the past few years. In childhood she was my idol. In theory she has been a good mother and by rights I have nothing to be angry about but I keep replaying things that she has done or said over and over in my mind (there aren’t even that many). She is a good person but is not frequently demonstrative of any loving feelings she might have for me, although she isn’t exactly cold or admonishing as such. She has had a very hard life and endured massive heartache so I try desperately to feel compassion for her, and remind myself of how much I appreciate the mothering that she did give me.

However, over the years my feelings have almost turned into fear which is confusing as she was never abusive towards me. I almost feel brainwashed but I don’t even know what I mean by that! The thought of being in her company makes me feel scared and resentful and I don’t know why. I feel like she can see through me and knows what I am thinking about everything, and that it always displeases her. My feelings are very messed up and I need some prayers or advice please. I feel so guilty to be feeling like this. Sometimes I can’t even look at her because of these messed up feelings. We don’t live near each other so only see each other every few months.

My brother seems to feel the same from the things that he has said, but I feel too frightened to talk about her to anyone, so I am bottling these feelings up. I don’t even tell my husband how I’m feeling because that would be a massive betrayal.

I could never bring this up with her because she would get very angry and upset and it would turn into a horrible cold fallout, which I hate. Please can someone advise or pray for me?
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I see a few things in your post. Your mother had a terrible childhood and was probably traumatized by it. Therefore, she has wounds that carried forward into her relationship with her own children. You feel sympathy for her, but yet…She did some things that hurt you and didn’t do things that would have showed you that she loved you. You know, our parents can do the best that they know how, and still, they can fail us. Whether it’s a case of personalities or temperaments, or because there are issues with their own childhoods, sometimes our parents simply fail us.

That’s where counseling can help. You can talk about your childhood without fear that it will affect your mother. You can figure out how to go forward and perhaps heal some of the hurt that you are trying to tell yourself you don’t have. Call Catholic Charities and see if you can get an appointment. You might feel much better after a few sessions. It’s nothing to be afraid of. And it can really help just to talk to someone about your feelings.

And by the way, you can love your mother and still be realistic about the kind of person she is. I loved my father very much, but he was out of his depth when it came to raising 2 daughters after my mother died. He passed along some very good lessons but also came up short when it came to teaching me about men, and also he dropped our faith. So he was human, and had his own problems.

Anyway, I hope that helps and I will pray for you. Someone famous says that you get two chances with parenthood - if you don’t GET the kind of parents you wanted, you can BE the kind of parent you wanted.

🙂
 
humblejumble said:
I have a deep underlying anger towards my mother and I don’t know why. I am in my early 30s and have felt this way since I was a teen, though it has got much worse over the past few years. In childhood she was my idol.** In theory **she has been a good mother and by rights I have nothing to be angry about but I keep replaying things that she has done or said over and over in my mind (there aren’t even that many). She is a good person but is not frequently demonstrative of any loving feelings she might have for me, although she isn’t exactly cold or admonishing as such. She has had a very hard life and endured massive heartache so I try desperately to feel compassion for her, and remind myself of how much I appreciate the mothering that she did give me.

However, over the years my feelings have almost turned into fear which is confusing as she was never abusive towards me. …The thought of being in her company makes me feel scared and resentful and I don’t know why. I feel like she can see through me and knows what I am thinking about everything, and that it always displeases her. … I feel so guilty to be feeling like this.

My brother seems to feel the same from the things that he has said,…
I could never bring this up with her because she would get very angry and upset and it would turn into a horrible cold fallout, which I hate. Please can someone advise or pray for me?
Click to expand...
I could have written much of this post. My mother, too, is a ‘good’ person. She says the Rosary daily, goes to Perpetual Adoration weekly, cleans the church linens, is on half a dozen committees and guilds, tithes a solid 10%, serves at funerals…you name it, she does it. She never abused us–if by abuse you mean physical abuse. She’s had a rough life–I know this because she re-tells the stories of how everyone has hurt her endlessly. 60 years later, she’s still talking about the injustice of having to do more housework than her brothers.

Like you, for years, I had negative feeling about my mother and felt guilty about it. I never would have said anything to her (what would be the point), because she would have gone into self-pity mode and then re-told the story for another 45 years about how cruel I was.

In moving closer, after many years’ break from my family, after experiencing something like normality, I returned home and saw the family dynamics close up. I would be happy to tell you more in a private message (if you think that would help you, pm me), but what I have seen is an alcoholic family system, with the alcoholic, the martyr-co-dependent, and all the kids playing out the assigned roles, with all the pain it causes them, and I finally understand exactly why I have always felt as I do about my mother.

It has been interesting to read on the adult children of alcoholics forum and see how many of us actually struggle more with anger at the co-dependent, the ‘good’ parent, the parent everyone ‘knew’ was the great parent, the martyr, the only thing holding that family together, etc.

Judging by your post, I wonder if you’re dealing with something like this, too. These roles and dynamics, by the way, are found in families with various sorts of dysfunction, not just alcoholics’ families.
 
I meant to address the issue of abuse, but I think I’ll give it its own post.

I believe that emotional and verbal abuse can be just as damaging. My mother never abused us, either, but my memories of her are largely of muttering, yelling, breaking down, sighing, cursing, stomping around, saying we, her children, caused her stress, sniffling, and telling us how people had wronged her. It was like being wrapped in a perpetual, black, gloomy cloud.

And in a way, the most insidious part of it was that we always knew (because she had subtle ways of letting us know) that she was the good parent, that my father and his family were all horrible, and that the only acceptable response in the face of all this gloom she cast about was to then also have to have sympathy for her. So there was that additional suggestion that we were bad people if we had any objection to living under this constant negativity and hatred and bitterness.

Today, I would call that its own form of abuse. It tore us down and harmed us as certainly as physical abuse.
 
Thank you so much for your replies. They have truly given me food for thought and lifted the guilt off. I thought everyone would lambast me but you have all been very kind and understanding and I feel so much better about the whole thing. She is a good person and has done her best to put her children first but I need to accept that its ok to think bad things of her sometimes. It doesn’t make me a bad person, a worry that i struggle with constantly. There were some mention of dysfunctional/co-dependent issues. While alcoholism was not a problem in our family, there were certain role reversals for a while which can be confusing and challenging. But I am learning to gain some perspective. Thank you all so much.
 
Just thought I would update you. I said a lot of prayers last night and a decade of the rosary to help me be a better daughter and heal any rifts with my mother. I woke up this morning and decided to go to Mass (I have not been to Mass in a long time). Turns out today is the feast day of Mary, Queen and Mother and the whole theme was praying for mothers! I couldn’t believe it! I prayed really fervently for my mother which must be what God wanted me to do.

God is funny 😃
 
holyrood said:
Like you, for years, I had negative feeling about my mother and felt guilty about it. I never would have said anything to her (what would be the point), because she would have gone into self-pity mode and then re-told the story for another 45 years about how cruel I was.

In moving closer, after many years’ break from my family, after experiencing something like normality, I returned home and saw the family dynamics close up. I would be happy to tell you more in a private message (if you think that would help you, pm me), but what I have seen is an alcoholic family system, with the alcoholic, the martyr-co-dependent, and all the kids playing out the assigned roles, with all the pain it causes them, and I finally understand exactly why I have always felt as I do about my mother.
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Oh how I can relate… My family had no problems with alcoholism but like you said that exact same twisted relationship dynamic can apply in other ways. It wasn’t till I moved away and got a taste of “normal” that I could come back with a fresh perspective and begin to see it for what it was.
 
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