Anger with friends after mom’s passing

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Monica12345

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My mom passed away at the weekend from her breast cancer which spread. I am 23 and a lot of my friends are not Catholic or don’t have very strong beliefs. Before this never made much difference between us but now having watched my mom die, our faith is all that is giving us hope and carrying us through. I firmly believe she is with God and for that reason I continue to feel close to her. This is so important to me. I find a lot of the words of my friends empty and hollow. I feel that they just do not understand, although they mean well. One friend even compared my mom’s death to that of her nan, and also started sharing her uncertainty about the afterlife with me. This is all unhelpful and makes me feel anger and bitterness towards some of my friends. I know that they mean well but they do not know what to say and it creates a bit of a rift because they don’t have the language to offer me any hope. Any advice on how to deal with these feelings and friendships in the depths of such grief?
 
Go easy on your friends. I’m sure the one who lost her nan is sad about that too, although it’s not the same as losing a mom at a young age. As you said, they mean well, they just don’t know what to say, and their parents apparently haven’t taught them that you just say “I’m so sorry” and leave it at that, unless perhaps they have also just lost their mom.

If they express uncertainty about the afterlife, simply tell them eternal life exists and end the conversation. Because you know the truth, they apparently don’t.

My dad died when I was 26. Most of my “friends” were unhelpful to say the least. (A couple, including my husband to be, were great.)

Anger is a normal stage of dealing with grief. Feel free to just separate yourself from these folks till you feel better.
 
My mother died when I was 24. I discovered that older people seemed to know to just say they were so sorry for my loss. They also had a knack for sharing a wonderful memory of her. My friends wanted to say something…they mostly just babbled or said something off the wall.

I learned that dealing with a death is a learned experience. None of my friends had lost a parent yet. Remember the things said by those who helped you…those who said the right things…and remember those to use in your future, too.

Someone questioning if there’s an afterlife might just need you to say, there is, and my mothers on her way to heaven. No need to have a theological discussion of the matter. They being unsure and you being very sure may help them to think about it! It is an odd thing to say at someone’s funeral, though! Humans are funny…we often babble and say the oddest things when we are stumped for words. Assume this is what’s happening.

I’m sorry that so many didn’t come across well. I’m sure they meant to! Forgive them. May your mother Rest In Peace and May you find some friends that are a bit more understanding of what you are going through.
 
Thank you for your response and sorry to hear that you experienced grief at such a young age also.

Also thank you for your advice. I think I may just have to keep a low profile with some of them for a while - my dad has said to do the same until more time has passed and hopefully some of the anger has subsided.
 
Thank you for your response!

Yes I think they do mean well - a lot of them don’t live near me so this is just over message as well which also changes the nature of things a bit more.

Sorry to hear you lost your mother at a young age also. I am finding it very hard and it seems so unfair. Although since she has passed I definitely feel her with me all the time. I am so sure she is with God and she is helping me every day. I was worried beforehand about whether she would really live on but I prayed a lot and all my doubts have gone now. I am so thankful for that.

I will indeed remember the ones who have helped. Grief seems to reshuffle your friends a bit, some surprising people seem to help and some I thought would help have disappointed me. I suppose these things change your life a lot.
 
I will warn you, some friends…because they don’t understand and don’t know the grieving process…will not understand you wanting to talk about your mother. They often also aren’t very understanding why you haven’t moved on already. This bothered me. I had to keep some distance from those friends, too. In time, you will heal and you will move on, so to speak, but it’s on your time…not theirs!

Once I healed, I could interact again…but I had to do it on my schedule, not what they thought. It’s due to their ignorance, not a failure from you!

And again, forgiveness of their…well, stupidity…will also come again!
 
I’m so sorry. My condolences… truly. You are similar in age to one of my daughters and I can see/hear her in your place as I read your post, which makes my Mama’s heart hurt!

Many people your age today are not religious, as it’s the culture we live in. Either not believing at all; or like to poke fun at those who believe in God. Those as well as people who may believe in God but say really, really {dumb} things - well, you just have to let it go. Don’t get into discussions, but just a quick ‘thank you’ or a silent smile {while you are biting your tongue} is probably best for now.

I know sometimes when I’m caught off guard or I don’t know what to say in a situation, I can say the stupidest things… or ramble on. I kick myself later when I replay the conversation in my head… I’m sure many of the stupid things people say are out of ignorance, or just not knowing what to say.

Again, I’m sorry on the loss of your Mom.
 
This is good advice, thank you. And nice to hear somebody talk from experience! I appreciate it
 
Thank you for your response. It has been really difficult for us all - I have three younger brothers as well, the youngest being 18. We really miss her a lot and it feels like as time passes this is going to get harder as we realise she isn’t coming back. But we are trying to take one day at a time. I have to say we’d be lost without our faith!

I do understand people having doubts - I had a lot last year and was questioning my faith a lot. However this whole experience of my mom’s illness and now death has meant that I have leaned heavily on my faith and it has deepened as a consequence. I will never let that go now because it is too important to me. Still, discussing doubts about religion is probably not best with the recently bereaved so I think it is a good idea for me to have some space from these people for a while.

Thank you for your response and for reaching out. I’m sure I’ve said the wrong thing to people lots of times in the past as well so I’m trying to be forgiving - I just feel like it’s such a stretch at the moment when I am hurting so much inside! But I will try not to let these probably well-intentioned Comments worry me.

Thanks again!
 
I can sympathize and realize that perhaps my mom who passed recently too needs some prayers. Although she is in Gods embrace, your mom is taken care of, especially by our Lady .

Now the issue of anger happened to me. Not a card letter etc. From friends or co workers. But they are on a different spiritual level then you and me.

I am so sorry about your loss.(Please Note: This uploaded content is no longer available.)
 
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Thank you so much for this beautiful prayer. My mom loved music so it is very fitting. I will keep you and your mom in my prayers also. And it helps to know people have been through similar experiences - so thank you for sharing this.
 
Monica, I am sorry to hear about your mom. Eternal rest grant unto her, and may perpetual light shine upon her.
Monica12345 said:
I find a lot of the words of my friends empty and hollow. I feel that they just do not understand, although they mean well.
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You are 23, and presumably, so are your friends. Unless they have had a parent die, no, they will not understand. So don’t expect them to. I was 21 when my dad died. My friends didn’t know what to say. But they tried.
Monica12345 said:
I know that they mean well but they do not know what to say and it creates a bit of a rift because they don’t have the language to offer me any hope.
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You’re right, they don’t know what to say. Most people don’t. Why not just accept that and be grateful they tried at all?
 
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Thank you for your kind prayers.

Yes my friends are young too and most of them have not experienced anything like this. Yes you are right, I should be grateful they are trying to say something. I think it just feels lonely without my mom but friends are never going to fill that gap and it’s not their fault either. Thank you for responding. I will try to be a bit more forgiving!
 
Death of a loved one is one of those life events that serves as a wake-up call. I can relate. I got comments like oh this person did such and such took advantage of your mother… and oh you have to start thinking about the inheritance as she left no will. I suffered them all in silence. So trust me, the comments you are getting could be worse.
 
I am sorry to hear of what you went through and of your loss. I hope things have got easier for you. It definitely is a life-changing event.
 
Condolence! You made me think that I’m special and I should cherish my day with my mom.

She’s supposed to be very happy to have a daughter like you. Your mom would be proud of you in heaven because you’re holding your faith in God even after her death. 💗
 
Definitely cherish your mother. Time with them is so precious. I am thankful for every day I had with mine!

Thank you - I very much hope so! If anything the whole experience has deepened my faith, so I am thankful to God for allowing some goodness to come out of our suffering.
 
I’m sorry for the loss of your mom. May God grant her eternal rest. My mom passed when I was 27 and some people said some weird stuff at the funeral. One lady asked me how much her life insurance was for. I could have slapped her. Emotions are going to be crazy when you’re mourning. My advice? Let yourself grieve. Maybe step back from interacting with people who are too annoying to be around at this time. Spend more time with Jesus in Adoration, Mass, Prayer, Scripture. Let Him heal the wounds in your heart. When you feel strong enough, re-engage with these people. When someone is really, really physically sick, they’re put in ICU and isolated until they’re stronger. I think sometimes it’s beneficial to go into a spiritual ICU (so to speak) until we’re stronger. Hope that makes sense. Again, sorry for the loss of your mom.
 
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