Angry daughter and son in law

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My oldest daughter is 7months pregeant told me she probably have the baby’s baptisn in Mexico…her husband is Mexican. And I e-mailed her and told her I was sad I would miss the babptisn of my only and first grandchild( I am chronically ill and disabled and can’t make the long distance) and I told her that if she put her baby before things she could stay at home and take care of her baby. Her husband just got a good paying job and Heather is a teacher. She can do things at home on the side like tudoring.She is a bi-lingual teacher in high demand for this and she also can teach night classes(She does now) so she can be home during the day. They take multiple trips each year,2 brand new vehicles,always the new electronic gagets bought, steak and always top foods,etc. It wouldnt take a whole lot of sacrifice for them for her to be home with the baby. Also, at Christmas time they came to my house and she told me she couldn’t afford to be home with the baby and was sad aboutit. I knew it was her husband behind it. I have always been a strong minded woman who tells my children the truth. I am strong but I do not attack verbally. Well, I got 8 e-mails attacking me. Alekz the husband said…,I was a failure in life,that I was a roller coaster of a disaster ,that I was jealous of Heahter and all these very vicous and mean things. Heather left 4 phone messages yelling at me how mean I was to say what I did. My other daughter tried to talk to Heather through e-mails and nothing moved her. I was NOT the one mean here. And I appologized for offending them more then twice.
Heather is justifying her husbands horrible behavior towards me by blaming me for what I said. WOW! the response I got was a shock and so hateful that you would of thought I said really horrible things. Now, here I am not allowed to see my first grandchild, all they say to me is how mean I am. And I know I raised heather to want to be a stay at home mom. She saw me sacrifice to stay home. One car,tight budget,etc. And she wouldn’t even have it nearly as hard as I had and I did not complain because I LOVED being home with my kids.It is so sad to me. Please pray for us,
 
sounds like communication skills are lacking in your family, I hope and pray for the health of your relationship, all adults will learn such skills. Your daughter is an adult and as such makes decisions for her family with her husband, not with you. She may ask your opinion and advice out of respect and courtesy, but is not obliged to follow it. Her priority should be the best interests of her family, and of necessity her obligation to you becomes secondary, although she must still honor you as her mother, she does not have to follow your advice.
 
While Annie is certainly right that she is an adult and doesn’t have to take your advice (and I think you were Ok to give her such advice since she confided in you she was sad she couldn’t stay home) that doesn’t mean she can treat you the way she is doing.

Giving her advice she doesn’t like in no way excuses her and her husband. Sane people do not send 8 emails and 4 phone messages full of hatred and attacks to their mother. Your daugher and SIL have some problems. Sounds to me like you actually struck a nerve and they are lashing out because they know you are right!

Pray for them, pray for your grandchild.

It will probably all blow over, and when it does hold your tongue in the future.
 
I’m a mom with a daughter who will be making this decision in the next few years. In my book this is a “mind your own business” moment. I didn’t want Mom or my MIL telling me how to raise my kids and I certainly won’t presume to tell my daughter anything unless she asks. In this case the daughter didn’t ask for her mom’s opinion and this was less an ‘opinion’ than a criticism of their lifestyle. Out of line, IMO.
 
You said you “raised heather to be a stay at home mom,” are you more disappointed that she chose another path than anything else? Being a teacher is an honorable profession, and if she feels fulfilled doing this job, then what else can be said about it? She’s an adult and can make her own decisions concerning her path in life. You are not in a position to tell her that she can cut back on cars, food, vacations, etc in order to stay at home with her kids. That’s something she’s going to have to decide for herself. I’m sure sending her an email guilt tripping her about where she will have her baby baptised didn’t help either.

I’m not saying that excuses the rude phone calls and emails. But the majority of your post is criticising your daughter’s choices that she and her husband have made, which are not bad.
 
Might this extreme reaction on her part have been a case of ‘I can only take so much!’. Do you often offer unsolicited advice and critisize your children’s life-choices? Because if you do, I do understand her reaction and you will have to come to terms with the fact that her husband and unborn child are her immediate family now, and that your time of ‘raising her’ is over…It’s , as someone else put rather too bluntly, but accurately ‘Mind your own business’-time. She may live her life as she sees fit, as you lived yours. You made your choices, now let her make hers. Whether you agree or not, really does not matter. It’s HER life now!

Anna x
 
puzzleannie said:
sounds like communication skills are lacking in your family, I hope and pray for the health of your relationship, all adults will learn such skills. Your daughter is an adult and as such makes decisions for her family with her husband, not with you. She may ask your opinion and advice out of respect and courtesy, but is not obliged to follow it. Her priority should be the best interests of her family, and of necessity her obligation to you becomes secondary, although she must still honor you as her mother, she does not have to follow your advice.
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I am not sure at what point you thought that I was telling her what to do,I was only giving her my opinion which she even acknowledges that,and that’s not what we were argueing about. We are a very open close family and I don’t believe we ever had an arguement about giving our opinion. so I am sorry that you have difficulty interpeting because quite honestly what you said has ABSOLUTELY nothing to do with the situation at hand. SHe asks for my opinion and I would be a leech of a mother to expect my grown adult children to do what I tell them to do, I have raised my children to be independent thinkers,I am sorry if you misunderstood the concept.Perhaps this situation is a mirror of what accures in your life. So if you need any help with that let me know,it is not a problem if mine.
 
1ke said:
While Annie is certainly right that she is an adult and doesn’t have to take your advice (and I think you were Ok to give her such advice since she confided in you she was sad she couldn’t stay home) that doesn’t mean she can treat you the way she is doing.

Giving her advice she doesn’t like in no way excuses her and her husband. Sane people do not send 8 emails and 4 phone messages full of hatred and attacks to their mother. Your daugher and SIL have some problems. Sounds to me like you actually struck a nerve and they are lashing out

because they know you are right!

I agree with you completely.

Pray for them, pray for your grandchild.

It will probably all blow over, and when it does hold your tongue in the future.
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Hi jollyoki,

I am very sorry that you are having a tough time with your daughter.

First, let me say that NOTHING excuses her behavior (the ugliness in the emails and phone calls). That being said, I think she may have reacted so intensely because she found your comment to be horribly offensive.

I can identify somewhat with her. My mother, a wonderfully devoted mom, stayed at home with me and my brothers. It was very important to her and my dad and they certainly made sacrifices for it to be that way. If I asked her “did you raise me to want to be a stay-at-home mom?” she’d probably say yes. However, in the case of your daughter, that may not be what SHE wants. Maybe the idea of staying at home all day every day with an infant seems tortuous to her. Perhaps in you saying that she should, she feels that you are already judging the type of mother that she will be (ie a bad one) before the kid is even born. And if you think about it hard enough, given the tone of your post, you probably think she won’t be as good a mom if she doesn’t choose that route.

Her saying that she couldn’t afford to stay at home sounds to me like a nice way of saying “I do not want to stay at home”. I may have even worded it the same way. If she had said instead “I don’t want that and I think that would be a miserable existence for me”, wouldn’t you have been offended? Wouldn’t that be like her insulting your choice? My mom certainly would have been offended.

In the way that you worded it, you essentially told her that she is selfish and isn’t interested in being a good mother if she doesn’t sacrifice and stay home (although your words were less blunt). If someone had told you, shortly after you found out you were pregnant with your first child, that you were already a bad mother, wouldn’t you have been offended?

Staying at home is not for everyone. After the child is born, if she continues working she may change her mind, but she needs to come to that decision on her own. This is her first child and I’m sure that it’s scaring the poo out of her. Right now she needs support and reassurance. While you are fully entitled to your very strong opinion, it is not productive at the moment. Maybe if you support her decision and tell her that you hope whatever decision she makes is satisfying and beneficial for both her and her child, she’ll see you as positive factor instead of a negative one that needs to be silenced. Silly as it sounds, the more you support her, the more likely she is to really LISTEN to what you have to offer. Then if you share with her how happy you were to have stayed home, it’s not just negativity that she doesn’t want to hear in this new and difficult time.

I will keep you both in my prayers. Love and support can take you a lot further than you think. Best wishes to you.
 
I feel so misunderstsood by most of you. I am sure being that you are not here and not knowing this one daughter of mine has alot to do with it. My opinions are asked by my kids,especially when they are upset as she was. Otherwise I do not give advise.
Heather has always been a rebellious child. I have went to 13 yrs of counselling with her while she was growing up and other things. I did everything I could do.
Of course I am complaining about her…that was the reason for this post…I wanted some support. It is EXTREMELY hurtful when you get hostile,vicious e-mails and phone messages from your own daughter and soninlaw. Unless you have been there you have no cause to really accuse me of anything.
A parent is to be respected.Even God says so.SO,yeh,it upsets me. And it isn’t like she came to me as an adult …she came as a rebellious teenager in emotional maturity.
Teaching is a great profession. Her husband is a teacher too. BUT being a MOTHER is the HIGHEST HONORED PROFESSION. The woman who rocks the craddle rules the world.
She should put her child before THINGS and even other’s children…if she can afford it. And she can.
Year after year she told me she can’t wait to have a baby and stay home with it. Now she expresses sadness she cant. OBVIOUSLY it is her husband behind this…and here again,I have known him 7 yrs and many stories of his controlling,vicous behavior towards others and me.
Unless you can be supportive of me please do not write., I am wounded too much right now to have you justify my daughter’s behavior,especially when you can;t know the whole story because a forum is limited.
 
So essentially you’ve posted this thread 100% sure that you were completely in the right? Did you just post here in hopes that all who read it would agree and then you’d feel better about your actions? Were you positive that we’d all agree and echo how horrible your daughter was?

Not everyone agrees with you, and we are still being supportive. You don’t see how you may have caused pain, and not understanding what you did will impede progress at resolving the situation. In helping you see her perspective, helping you empathize with her, we are supporting you in healing the relationship.

Would you prefer to just insist that you are right and make no effort to see her side at all?

You’re correct that we don’t know the whole backstory, so obviously our replies are limited. But really, why did you come here? What’s more important, to repair your relationship with your daughter or to be right?

If you want to repair, you’re going to have to try to see her side. If you’re just interested in being right and having everybody agree how right you are, you’re not likely to get that (as evidenced by the majority of the other posts).
 
jollyoki said:
Unless you can be supportive of me please do not write.
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Maybe you should have stated this in your original post. Granted, we don’t know the whole story, we’re just giving advice on what you have told us.

It’s idealistic to expect a group of anonymous posters on an online forum to agree with you 100%.
 
Supportive does not equal ageeing 100%…

In my home country of Holland we have a saying ‘He who wants to be right all the time, will die alone’…and this is perhaps the crux of the matter! She married this man, whether you like him or not…and she may ‘pay lip-service’ to ‘I’d love to be a SAHM’, but a lot of women do that…most say it to justify the fact that they want to/or have to return to work:shrug: …Maybe your daughter has got accustomed to a certain life-style, maybe she doesn’t want to make ‘sacrifices’…either way, it’s HER life, and at some point you’ve got to let her go and live it, even if it’s not how YOU would do it.

But no…I don’t think you’ll get 100% agreement, nobody gets that. But support, yes…that is possible!

Anna x
 
jollyoki said:
It is EXTREMELY hurtful when you get hostile,vicious e-mails and phone messages from your own daughter and soninlaw. Of course it is.

A parent is to be respected.Even God says so.SO,yeh,it upsets me. REspected, yes, but you can’t dictate to her how she should live as an adult! She has to make her own decisions, even if you don’t agree with them!
And it isn’t like she came to me as an adult …she came as a rebellious teenager in emotional maturity.
Teaching is a great profession. Her husband is a teacher too.

It is! Teaching kids is wonderful!

BUT being a MOTHER is the HIGHEST HONORED PROFESSION. I don’t think anyone would argue!

The woman who rocks the craddle rules the world.
She should put her child before THINGS and even other’s children…if she can afford it. And she can.

BUT…this is not YOUR decision to make! This is for her and her husband to decide!

Year after year she told me she can’t wait to have a baby and stay home with it. Now she expresses sadness she cant. OBVIOUSLY it is her husband behind this…and here again,I have known him 7 yrs and many stories of his controlling,vicous behavior towards others and me.
Unless you can be supportive of me please do not write., I am wounded too much right now to have you justify my daughter’s behavior,especially when you can;t know the whole story because a forum is limited.
We can be supportive, but not agree with everything!
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StratusRose said:
Maybe you should have stated this in your original post. Granted, we don’t know the whole story, we’re just giving advice on what you have told us.

It’s idealistic to expect a group of anonymous posters on an online forum to agree with you 100%.
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I 2nd this!!!

In the OP’s defense, she did just ask for prayers and I don’t see one question in her post. Think that she was trying to vent.

To the OP - I am not sure if you are just new to this forum or to forums in general. Although, on MOST forums people give advice when you give a situation such as you did.
 
I wasn’t trying to control her. YOu just don’t get it! I was supporting her…because she wants this too…basically I hit a cord and that is what got them angry…her husband is the one that wants her home. And I was supporting her…but she is so afriad if him she gets mad at me instead of telling him her feelings. AND I ASKED FOR NO MORE JUSTIFYING THEM AND SUPPORT FOR ME. Man., why can’t some people listen and respect my wishes. IF you think I was making the decision for her you are so off base it isn’t funny. To know me …you would know that I am strong minded…but NOT controlling. AND that is what my kids compliment me on. So, you are WRONG WRONG WRONG…the last rely…you are not hearing me.
 
JustAnotherThou said:
I 2nd this!!!

In the OP’s defense, she did just ask for prayers and I don’t see one question in her post. Think that she was trying to vent.

To the OP - I am not sure if you are just new to this forum or to forums in general. Although, on MOST forums people give advice when you give a situation such as you did.
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You can not possibly get all your points out in a forum. Now I know not to do this. I can not believe the negative responses I got from people who think they are being positive.WOW!!
 
Phemie said:
I’m a mom with a daughter who will be making this decision in the next few years. In my book this is a “mind your own business” moment. I didn’t want Mom or my MIL telling me how to raise my kids and I certainly won’t presume to tell my daughter anything unless she asks. In this case the daughter didn’t ask for her mom’s opinion and this was less an ‘opinion’ than a criticism of their lifestyle. Out of line, IMO.
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The way this daughter asks for my advice is …telling me about the subject and telling me she as sad.
Up until she came to me I did not say anything about her plans. So I was NOT butting in. However, I do think that as a Christian mom, I believe a mom should take time off work to raise her own kid if she can finacially. Why have kids to have others raise them? She didn’t get a pet because she wouldn’t be home enough for it…but she’ll have a baby. That is craziness to me.
When one puts money and things before a person that is the highest form of poverty…this is a paraphrase from Mother Terese. And I agree.
Ever since mom’s have worked outside the home, the society has deteriorated greatly. It is true. And I hope REAL Christians realize this and speak up. I before the world was like this and I was raising my family, I knew all this was coming because on womans lib. My kids are all a major help for society…heather got teacher of the year twice. And I am proud of her. However,now it is time for a short break and be with her own kid so she can raise as good as kids as I did.
 
jollyoki said:
You can not possibly get all your points out in a forum. Now I know not to do this. I can not believe the negative responses I got from people who think they are being positive.WOW!!
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You are right, you can’t get all ofyour points out in a forum. Sometimes if you have a question it is easier just to make it a general question. If you just want to blow off steam and rant, put that in the title of your threat ex: Angry daughter and son in law … A RANT. Then also put that into your Rant. I usually start my Rants with “This is a RANT” and end it with “Thank you for letting me RANT”.
Now if you do want people’s opinions, then you do need to be open to the fact that 1) probably no one on here knows you or your family. 2) everyone has an opinion 3) don’t take personal offense to anyone’s opinion 4) don’t take ANYTHING that ANYONE on a forum says personally. 5) No natter how much you try to word your threads without emotion, emotion does come through and in different ways to different people.
Forums are great and can really make you look at something in a different light.
I will tell you though, I joined CAF a few months back to ask about a personal issue that was troubling me at the time. I decided I would take the time to get involved in other discussions before asking my question. Through reading all of these threads I now don’t feel I need to ask that question.

By the way WELCOME!!! This thread might not have went well, but join in a few others and see not only how much other people may be able to help you, but how you may be able to help others. 👍
 
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