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Epistemes
Guest
Not too long ago I opened a thread entitled “I’m Not Catholic” which you can view here:
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=251400&highlight=epistemes
I decided to open this new thread since certain circumstances have changed. I, for one, have decided to actively pursue my faith in the Church again - even though I cannot adequately explain why. That is to say, I don’t know why I feel a particular need to be religious now or at all, but I would be lying to myself if I tried to believe I was satisfied and happy in my disobedience.
I went to confession and I am slowly working on the penance portion. I went to Mass for the first time since Easter this morning…and, well, I hated every minute of it.
From the moment I walked in to the moment I left, I sat there subjected to the true misery that I am and have been. My emotions were a blend of sadness, anger, lonliness, dissatisfaction, contempt for everyone including myself, and, perhaps worst of all, doubt.
I didn’t participate in Mass nearly at all, and I don’t think participating would have made me feel or act any better. Since the last time I visited, I have forgotten the words to the Gloria, plus the choir has alternated the melody so drastically since then that it was hard to make out what was being said at all. We had an infant baptized, and I didn’t reconfirm my baptismal vows because I was lost in my thoughts concerning baptism. I didn’t even walk up to accept the Eucharist because I felt extremely unworthy…plus, I’m not even sure I believe in the Real Presence anymore. So, I remained kneeled and debated within myself some very important theological questions.
I find the preceding paragraph exceedingly ironic due to the fact that just this past week I was considering joining the Secular Franciscan Order within the next year or so (again, for reasons I can’t fully explain even to myself).
I have been praying more than ever, and have been reading my Bible, but I lack faith.
Today’s lesson was about the sower and the seed, which is fitting because it allowed me to see that, like some patch of dry, parched earth, I am unreceptive to God’s Word.
I would like to think that setting up an appointment with my priest as a general discussion/confession session might ease some of my “pain,” but I don’t know if it would. It’s not like my priest can repair that which I don’t wish to be mended (again, for reasons I can’t fully explain).
Pray for me, I guess. Maybe that’ll work.
forums.catholic-questions.org/showthread.php?t=251400&highlight=epistemes
I decided to open this new thread since certain circumstances have changed. I, for one, have decided to actively pursue my faith in the Church again - even though I cannot adequately explain why. That is to say, I don’t know why I feel a particular need to be religious now or at all, but I would be lying to myself if I tried to believe I was satisfied and happy in my disobedience.
I went to confession and I am slowly working on the penance portion. I went to Mass for the first time since Easter this morning…and, well, I hated every minute of it.
From the moment I walked in to the moment I left, I sat there subjected to the true misery that I am and have been. My emotions were a blend of sadness, anger, lonliness, dissatisfaction, contempt for everyone including myself, and, perhaps worst of all, doubt.
I didn’t participate in Mass nearly at all, and I don’t think participating would have made me feel or act any better. Since the last time I visited, I have forgotten the words to the Gloria, plus the choir has alternated the melody so drastically since then that it was hard to make out what was being said at all. We had an infant baptized, and I didn’t reconfirm my baptismal vows because I was lost in my thoughts concerning baptism. I didn’t even walk up to accept the Eucharist because I felt extremely unworthy…plus, I’m not even sure I believe in the Real Presence anymore. So, I remained kneeled and debated within myself some very important theological questions.
I find the preceding paragraph exceedingly ironic due to the fact that just this past week I was considering joining the Secular Franciscan Order within the next year or so (again, for reasons I can’t fully explain even to myself).
I have been praying more than ever, and have been reading my Bible, but I lack faith.
Today’s lesson was about the sower and the seed, which is fitting because it allowed me to see that, like some patch of dry, parched earth, I am unreceptive to God’s Word.
I would like to think that setting up an appointment with my priest as a general discussion/confession session might ease some of my “pain,” but I don’t know if it would. It’s not like my priest can repair that which I don’t wish to be mended (again, for reasons I can’t fully explain).
Pray for me, I guess. Maybe that’ll work.
You sound “down”. So, the first thing I’d like to say is… have courage! You feel you can’t explain why you’ve decided to pursue your faith. Well, I would go with the simple explanation. God is drawing you to Himself. I know that this happens. Because it happened in my life, as well. Although, the circumstances were different for me. Feeling “religious” isn’t a choice that we make from time to time in our lives. It is in man’s nature, to BE religious. God created us to be holy. The feeling of “religion” is simply an affirmation of the nature, with which our Creator has endowed us. It’s sad that in this age… there are so many millions who don’t know this. They shy away from it… because it isn’t “cool”. Or whatever other reasons there might be.
And much of the music is unknown to me. When this happens, I don’t worry about it. We can’t sing, if we don’t know the music. However, we CAN raise our hearts and minds to God… in praise, while the music is being done. In this way, we participate. Maybe this would help you, as well. Perhaps, with time… we will learn the newer music.
Oh, and I do think if you had a heart to heart with a good Priest it would help too. Make an appointment with one and just tell the secretary that it’s personal.