Angry

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wyssmonsters

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Hello.

I need third party advice.

My husband’s brother is getting married in two weeks. My husband, his 5 other siblings, and the only other in-law were asked to stand up. I’m the only member not to be asked.

I know families come with unspoken rules. In my 6 years of marriage, I have learned that my husband’s family does not talk about conflict or allude to any type of discord… EVER. If someone does they are looked down upon and are immediately wrong.

I’m angry. Really angry. My husband at first stood up for me and chose not to stand up in the wedding. However he has changed his mind, after a lot of pressure from mulitiple sources, that the right thing to do is to turn a cheek and stand up in the wedding.

I know that his family does not particularly like me. (Although I’m not allowed to allude to this or ask why). I don’t melt well into their pot. This new daughter in law does.

I’m angry. Depressed. Embarrassed (its like being the one kids who doesn’t get picked for the team or get a valentine).

Each source of wisdom I turn to says I’m focusing on my hurt too much. That I should let it go. Be a servant. Be like Jesus and show up and love them no matter what they have done. And if I can’t be like Jesus pray that I can be like him and fake it until I do.

I get that response. I do, but as this wedding gets closer I’m feeling more and more angry. I’ve accepted the silent treatments from his family, I have accepted that I will not be invited, i accept that they hate me for ‘whatever reason’. 🤷 or maybe i don’t accept.

I’m angry.

sigh.

help.

note: of course there is a past. but the past i could tell you about would be long and basically would just support that his family does not like me… or know what to do with me… or something…
 
Sorry, but I’m not sure what you mean by “stand up”. Do you mean act as groomsmen and bridesmaids? Or something else?

Are you not invited to the wedding at all?

I’m not sure the answers to these questions matter anyway. It is their day and their choice as to who stands up for them. You need to do what it takes to make sure your anger does not in any way affect this day for them.

Without knowing the particulars, it may or may not be the case that your husband should stand by you in this. That’s a more difficult question. Your anger may be a manifestation or a more general feeling that your husband is not as supportive of you towards his family as he should be. This could be something for you two to address, but whether this particular wedding is the right occasion to push this issue is debatable.
 
underacloud said:
Sorry, but I’m not sure what you mean by “stand up”. Do you mean act as groomsmen and bridesmaids? Or something else?

Are you not invited to the wedding at all?

I’m not sure the answers to these questions matter anyway. It is their day and their choice as to who stands up for them. You need to do what it takes to make sure your anger does not in any way affect this day for them.

Without knowing the particulars, it may or may not be the case that your husband should stand by you in this. That’s a more difficult question. Your anger may be a manifestation or a more general feeling that your husband is not as supportive of you towards his family as he should be. This could be something for you two to address, but whether this particular wedding is the right occasion to push this issue is debatable.
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Are your in-laws Catholic? If so were you married in the Catholic Church?

Annie
 
wyssmonsters said:
Hello.

I need third party advice.

My husband’s brother is getting married in two weeks. My husband, his 5 other siblings, and the only other in-law were asked to stand up. I’m the only member not to be asked.

I know families come with unspoken rules. In my 6 years of marriage, I have learned that my husband’s family does not talk about conflict or allude to any type of discord… EVER. If someone does they are looked down upon and are immediately wrong.

I’m angry. Really angry. My husband at first stood up for me and chose not to stand up in the wedding. However he has changed his mind, after a lot of pressure from mulitiple sources, that the right thing to do is to turn a cheek and stand up in the wedding.

I know that his family does not particularly like me. (Although I’m not allowed to allude to this or ask why). I don’t melt well into their pot. This new daughter in law does.

I’m angry. Depressed. Embarrassed (its like being the one kids who doesn’t get picked for the team or get a valentine).

Each source of wisdom I turn to says I’m focusing on my hurt too much. That I should let it go. Be a servant. Be like Jesus and show up and love them no matter what they have done. And if I can’t be like Jesus pray that I can be like him and fake it until I do.

I get that response. I do, but as this wedding gets closer I’m feeling more and more angry. I’ve accepted the silent treatments from his family, I have accepted that I will not be invited, i accept that they hate me for ‘whatever reason’. 🤷 or maybe i don’t accept.

I’m angry.

sigh.

help.

note: of course there is a past. but the past i could tell you about would be long and basically would just support that his family does not like me… or know what to do with me… or something…
Click to expand...
I’ve never really understood the whole “standing up” thing. Maybe its a guy thing or maybe its just me but I just can’t see getting upset at not being asked to be a part of the wedding party. The fact that you and his family don’t appear to even be close only furthers the mystery of “why be angry?” Relax and enjoy the wedding from the pews like 90% of the other attendees.
 
anger is a natural emotion for starters, second trying to imply to be like Christ by not being angry is a bit off considering Christ was not a zombie , He has all the emotions we do, and even displayed anger at one point.

The problem is not yours perse, So thus not focusing on the hurt would be beneficial for you, as it would decrease stress an resentment for starters. ( an the not focusing can be the hardest part ). The problem is not yours because from what you stated, it is the others who have a problem with you. As long as you don’t have a problem with them, then so what.

But perhaps the problem is more with a husband who didn’t support you as you would have liked as stated below, ? * shrugs *

Then you are just left with figureing out do you want to go the wedding and can you just enjoy the wedding and be happy for the couple, or are you going to stew over what ever has happened and in turn be angry during the entire event, an perhaps bottling it up an having to be super fake happy.

( better yet, i say skip the wedding as they are just way to bloody happy, i would rather be taking a nap, or sleeping in, or a million other things than going to a wedding, then ya gota sit there an it takes for ever, ya gota buy gifts an cards an shake hands and wear uncomfortable clothes an make small talk with people ya dont know or want to talk to. while the couple getting married is really just screwing up a perfectly good weekend or day by imposing others to come and be apart of it. only to see them here on CAF asking about how an anulment works. )
 
Annie39 said:
Are your in-laws Catholic? If so were you married in the Catholic Church?

Annie
Click to expand...
Yes, my in-laws are Catholic and we married in the Church. I had four groomsmen and my wife had four bridesmaids. We had two witnesses who signed the registry/certificate. I’m still not sure what “stand up” means in the context of a Catholic wedding.
 
underacloud said:
Yes, my in-laws are Catholic and we married in the Church. I had four groomsmen and my wife had four bridesmaids. We had two witnesses who signed the registry/certificate. I’m still not sure what “stand up” means in the context of a Catholic wedding.
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I’m sorry my question was meant for the OP. And I don’t know what it means either.

Annie
 
Whatever the term means, the day is the couple’s day, the bridal couple, that is. They may well make some decisions that make others unhappy, that’s their choice, it’s their day.

Now with all the unpleasant things that come along in life, especially those we have no control over, we can choose how we react, and that is the thing we can change.

My suggestion is that you go along with a positive attitude, grateful that you are spared all the drama of the wedding party, which is what I assume is implied in ‘standing up’, so you go along and just enjoy watching the wedding and enjoy the reception.

Remember there are lots of photos being taken, and even if you aren’t included in the ‘official’ photos, lots of people around with cameras, you don’t want to be captured on film as the ‘scowling relative’ for ever after.

Truly, let go of the anger.
 
That has to be so frustrating to know that someone is upset with you and yet you are expected to not ask why…How can things be fixed if you don’t know what the problem is? My response to passive-aggressive behavior is to do the opposite. Be assertive and ask nicely what the problem is and if you have done anything, in what way can you bring peace into the situation? You don’t have to be nasty or aggressive. Just be honest, sincere and loving…I strongly feel that your husband should support you, and not allow you to be singled out. I’m praying for your situation.
 
Two weeks before the wedding - I’d leave it alone, if I remember anything about the tensions that start to fly around even in the most loving of families as the wedding day approaches.
 
Awwwww…it hurts to be snubbed. Family shouldn’t treat family that way. If this were me, I would probably be momentarily tempted to go out and buy a lovely white cocktail dress to wear to the wedding, lol. Then I would laugh at myself and decide to take the higher road. I’d probably take the money I was saving from not having to spend on a bridesmaid dress I’ll never wear again and use it to buy a gorgeous pair of heels, and get my hair styled professionally, and hold my head high (think Cinderella). I’d count it as a blessing that I am not required to part of their wedding party, and sleep in, and enjoy myself, and dance the night away with my husband as soon as he can come away to the dance floor. I’d hope that he would counteract their exclusion by spending his spare time with me, and putting his arm around my shoulders or waist when we happen to be together for a few moments. If they are trying to hurt you, then don’t give them the satisfaction. If you’re a lovely person, and they’re not…well, everything comes out in the wash.
 
I agree with you. Your husband could bow out gracefully and support you at the same time. There are rehearsal dinners, sitting at the wedding table, walking down the isle arm and arm with a bridesmaid…all while you sit on the sidelines…if you can’t trust your husband to stand up for you in this small matter, what would he do in the bigger family feuds.
 
wyssmonsters said:
I’m angry. Really angry. My husband at first stood up for me and chose not to stand up in the wedding. However he has changed his mind, after a lot of pressure from mulitiple sources, that the right thing to do is to turn a cheek and stand up in the wedding…
Click to expand...
I wish I had something wise and comforting to say, but what cheek does your husband have to turn? He hasn’t been insulted, as far as I can see, you have. Other than that, I have no advice except he really needs to know how disappointed you are in him as a husband. * Two become one.* Not “husband is one with blood family and wife gets leftovers if she doesn’t irritate them.”

But I’m divorced. Still, at least he should know how hurt and angry you are. Might not change anything, but at least you will feel heard. Maybe he can explain to you why he made this choice in a way that will help you feel better about it. Thing is, you can’t go to the wedding and sulk, they win and you sin, so that’s out. As wife, you go, hold up your head, congratulate the couple and outclass the lot of 'em.
 
If you don’t particularly care for his family and they for you why would you want to be a bridesmaid?

Additionally, the bride picks her bridal attendants are you close to her? Maybe the other sister-in-law is.

I’ll never understand getting worked up over not being asked to be a wedding. I didn’t ask my sister - in - law. Not because I don’t like her, but because we aren’t close. I used my own sister and sorority sisters.

If you are upset at your husband you are out of line. It would cause more problems for you if you had made him resign his post as a groomsman. It’s his brother for pete’s sake. Unless they have been so terrible to you that it has left you irreparably harmed then he needs to stand up for his brother.

Just laying it all out there.

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Something that i used to do and it really help me to cope with the injustice. I would write them a letter and just lash out, then burn it and ask God to transform these feeling into love. I would write another one and do the same, , i will continue to do so, until i would feel that the word were only form love. Sometime, i would give the final version to the person and it would turn for the best.

The other thing i would do and it would be so much more efficient. I would simply turn to God and just empty my heart, and speak raw (he knows my heart anyway so i wouldn’t polish anything). Then i would say, please God bring peace in me. Oh mye, i would feel this great feeling and like someone would wipe my tear. I would get clarity, strength and courage.

The third thing that i do now, is to say* thank you God for this great honor and privileged to share your passion with you*. This is how i see it now. Some people receive the physical wound of Jesus but others, it is the emotional wound. It seems that you are receiving the emotional wound. God is closer to you then you can’t imagine and far more then the one that feel in title to demand such of thing of your husband and excluding you.

Once you feel at peace, keep on praying for them. They without a doubt need so so much prayer. I pray for you to feel at peace and for you and your husband to agree together with the best decision for the both of you.

Blessings and love to you and your family!
 
Thank you Chantal25 for understand my post.

Thank you for your kindness in response.

This all has to do with hurt over rejection and very little to do about a wedding. I obviously did not write it well.

Thank you for your prayers.
 
Not everyone chooses their in-laws to be part of the bridal party. I didn’t. It had nothing to do with how much I loved them, I just chose my friends instead, because we were closer. I do understand your disappointment, since the other in-law was asked, but is their relationship with the family different than yours? If there have been issues in the past, I can see why someone would choose people they are closer to.

Just remember that this day is not about you. Presumably your wedding was the way you wanted it to be, so let them have their day and celebrate with them.
 
wyssmonsters said:
Thank you Chantal25 for understand my post.

Thank you for your kindness in response.

This all has to do with hurt over rejection and very little to do about a wedding. I obviously did not write it well.

Thank you for your prayers.
Click to expand...
Forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.

Lord, bless them and change me.

Focus on the great grace of not having to wear an ugly dress and be immortalized in photos in that ugly dress.

😉

Resentment is like swallowing poison and expecting the other person to die. Let it go.
 
wyssmonsters said:
Hello.

I need third party advice.

My husband’s brother is getting married in two weeks. My husband, his 5 other siblings, and the only other in-law were asked to stand up. I’m the only member not to be asked.

I know families come with unspoken rules. In my 6 years of marriage, I have learned that my husband’s family does not talk about conflict or allude to any type of discord… EVER. If someone does they are looked down upon and are immediately wrong.

I’m angry. Really angry. My husband at first stood up for me and chose not to stand up in the wedding. However he has changed his mind, after a lot of pressure from mulitiple sources, that the right thing to do is to turn a cheek and stand up in the wedding.

I know that his family does not particularly like me. (Although I’m not allowed to allude to this or ask why). I don’t melt well into their pot. This new daughter in law does.

I’m angry. Depressed. Embarrassed (its like being the one kids who doesn’t get picked for the team or get a valentine).

Each source of wisdom I turn to says I’m focusing on my hurt too much. That I should let it go. Be a servant. Be like Jesus and show up and love them no matter what they have done. And if I can’t be like Jesus pray that I can be like him and fake it until I do.

I get that response. I do, but as this wedding gets closer I’m feeling more and more angry. I’ve accepted the silent treatments from his family, I have accepted that I will not be invited, i accept that they hate me for ‘whatever reason’. 🤷 or maybe i don’t accept.

I’m angry.

sigh.

help.

note: of course there is a past. but the past i could tell you about would be long and basically would just support that his family does not like me… or know what to do with me… or something…
Click to expand...
Go the wedding, smile, hug the groom and the bride and thank God you were not asked to be part of the wedding party. AND tell your husband its fine that he participate. Anger hurts no one but ourselves. Turn it over to God.
 
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