You see, that’s my problem. I can’t say that I want to do this out of some petty carnal want. In fact, I see my so-called “sexual frustrations” to be nothing more than the degenerated form of all the stress I’ve been having. Normally, I can easily vent such frustrations by playing addictive games and so forth and in fact, I have been able to stave off any sexual temptations entirely by merely beating something senseless on my PSP screen.
However, there is more at stake here. These temptations are not the result of any desire for material gain, pleasure etc. They involve my writing style and writing is the only thing I know I can do well. I’m no good at sports. My drawing skills are extremely limited. I am no academic role-model. All I have is my vocabulary, my knowledge of English, and a crazy imagination. I’m not sure if it would be a good idea to think that God would give me such an eccentric talent (with a deviant style) only to end up not being able to use it much.
I am going to make some inferences here, no offense, in the following paragraphs, but they are likely on target.
I haven’t read your works nor do I intend to, I can only speculate from what you have written here.
I do not know if your talent at source comes from Hell or from God. . and it can entirely come from Hell, I will note – but I do know that it will entirely be Hell’s if you continue in this state of reliance upon it, and that all it does is serve Hell if you are willing to compromise regarding sin with it.
When you say, ‘it is the only thing I can do well’, and show such attachment to this as a way of life I know that evil is involved – because frankly, if you were a multiply disabled occupant of a wheelchair who could only move his fingers to type, it would still not be the only thing you could do, or do well. Too great attachment to anything in life besides God is evil.
But he who does not give up his life for the sake of Christ shall lose it, his soul and his life.
The standard is simple – does your work create a near occasion of sin for people – or does it not? Does a normal or a normally weak person find temptation to sin, or find in the work itself sacrilege or blasphemy in it? Does this work present a standard that is of Hell rather than God and guide people to adjust and accept this standard?
If your work is sin, then your work is of Hell. And from the sound of it, you have this ‘fanservice’ which is another name for pornography in your work. This is forbidden. Period.
You are **forbidden **from creating artworks that entice to sin.
God is clear, the saints are clear – You are punished for the harm your artwork does as long as it exists. You owe reparation for all the lives you harm by its existence. Every sin we commit we owe complete reparation and additional penance for, this is God’s justice.
Even if you were to repent, go to Confession, your responsibility would be to destroy all those works, and if you had the capacity to do so, you would not be absolved until you did so or promised to do so.
Yes you have to destroy them.
Moreoever, if you are incapable of destroying them, if by some chance you later repent and somehow enter into purgatory – there is precedent that you be kept in the fires there until all the artwork you created that is still causing sin upon the earth is destroyed. This can well be till the end of the world.
From what you have said you seem like a person very likely habitually living in mortal sin and denial of the fact thereof. If you are busy playing addictive games and trying out various addictions to distract yourself, you are not living a holy life – far from it, you are living a grace deprived life, and it is no wonder you can see no way out of it – it is because you are living in sin and cannot receive the graces necessary, because you will not repent. You have to face full repentance, have to pass through that doorway.
Why not repent? Ignorance can be a cause, but the law is written in the heart and you had to overwrite it somehow in your past through sins so it does not totally excuse.
Let us not delve deeply into possible motivations… you have to come out of this.
Until your work is saintly and pure as the lily white snow, you must not proceed with it. If it causes any person to sin, it causes you to sin – and deprives you of the grace of God.
That is the road to Hell. So get out of this onto the road of Heaven.
This stuff is not your life unless you make it so.
Your life must be holy and spiritual works, for the sake of the love of God, not works devoted to the base passions.
Holy and pure spiritual works for the sake of the love of God.
‘The soul is more precious than the whole world!’
St. John Chrysostom
The passions lying hidden in the soul provide the demons with the means of arousing impassioned droughts in us. Then, fighting the intellect through these thoughts, they force it to give its assent to sin. When it has been overcome, they lead it to sin in the mind; and when this has been done they induce it, captive as it is, to commit the sin in action. Having thus desolated the soul by means of these thoughts, the demons then retreat, taking the thoughts with them, and only the specter or idol of sin remains in the intellect. Referring to this our Lord says, ‘When you see the abominable idol of desolation standing in the holy place (let him who reads understand) . . .’ (Matt. 24:15). For man’s intellect is a holy place and a temple of God in which the demons, having desolated the soul by means of impassioned thoughts, set up the idol of sin.
St. Maximos the Confessor