Announcing pregnancy to unsupportive parents?

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AClaire11

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DH and I aren’t expecting yet, but we’ve been TTC for two months now. I’m really nervous about telling my parents when we do conceive. They were very unsupportive of us getting married, to the extent that they yelled at me until I cried when I told them we were engaged and continuously told me that “It’s not too late to back out” up until the month of the wedding. Why? Because I was not at the magical age of 25 and was therefore making a huge mistake. (I turned 24 a month and a half before the wedding).

So I’m already quaking in my boots as I imagine the blowout if we announce that I’m pregnant at age 25 (God willing!) and that I will be a SAHM. My mother is VERY career-oriented and thinks that money is the be-all and end-all, and that I’m inviting disaster if I don’t always have a career. I do plan on continuing my writing, but she doesn’t see that as a standalone job. My father is a lapsed Catholic and thinks people who don’t use contraception are “fanatics,” but I know he feels strongly that moms should stay at home. Basically I’m foreseeing a lot of talk about how irresponsible we are, “Was this an accident?”, “You can’t possible afford to take care of children right now,” etc …What will probably make it worse is that we were both nonpracticing when we got married, and were planning to wait 3 or so years before having kids. That probably reassured my parents to some extent. So this will be a huge surprise. I haven’t even hinted that we’re trying because hinting that we were getting engaged just made my parents angry and didn’t lessen the blow like I thought it would.

We know MIL and FIL will be very excited about their first grandchildren, so at least that’s a positive.

DH thinks that if my parents upset me over the phone when we tell them, that he should take the phone from me, set them straight, and then hang up. I have no idea what we should do. What do you all think?
 
I think it’s time for you to set some very firm boundaries with your parents. You are a married woman now and they do not get a say in the choices you and your husband make for your family.

For the sake of your family, set the boundaries NOW. Before kids even come into the picture. My suggestion is to sit down together with your husband and let them know that you are hoping to have a family soon and use that as the opportunity to lay down the boundaries. Sit down with your husband ahead of time and discuss how you will word things to them. Maybe even do some role playing so you can practice being assertive if need be. Maybe even meet with your priest and get some advice from him on how to handle this conversation.

It’s better to handle it now rather than try to deal with the stress when you’re already pregnant.
 
I agree with the previous poster, and with your husband. Give it to them short and sweet-- “We’re delighted to tell you that we’re expecting”–and if they start complaining, don’t get into it with them. Hang up. Rinse and repeat as needed. You don’t need their permission, you don’t need their approval, and if they want to have a relationship with you and with their grandchild they will have to be respectful of your choices.

Good luck with trying to have a baby! Personally, I love having a child and staying home with her.
 
Cross the bridge when you come to it. God gives grace for the problems you actually have, but a lot less for the as-of-yet imaginary ones. Tend to your trust in God, and when the time comes the red phone will be ready for you.

“When they take you before synagogues and before rulers and authorities, do not worry about how or what your defense will be or about what you are to say. For the holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say.” Luke 12:11-12
 
I agree that you shouldn’t borrow trouble. Your parents may have said these thing constantly throughout your life, but when they find out that they are actually going to be the grandparents of a real-life child, they may be over the moon. Stranger things have happened.
 
I think your husband’s approach is a good one. I especially appreciate that your husband is willing to go to bat for you with your own parents. 👍 However, I think for your own sake, you should probably try to handle it, because you need to stand up to them as an adult woman.

I’d say once you are pregnant, I agree with heidi_storage to go for the simple approach, like: “We have some great news: we’re going to have a baby!” If they start in with negativity, don’t bite–just politely but firmly tell them, “Well, we are very happy about it. We’re sorry that you aren’t, but this is our decision, and we hope you can respect that. We love you, goodbye.” And hang up. If/when they call back, you can be willing to talk, but NOT to listen to unsolicited “advice,” criticism, or questions that are really criticism disguised as “concern.”

If they are really negative, I would not even bother to discuss your change in career with them at all, unless/until they need to know, or unless they’re not looking for a reason to argue. Again, it’s really none of their business. You aren’t asking them for permission, financial advice or assistance, and therefore, there’s simply no reason to discuss it with them.

As masondoggy said, it sounds like you do need to set some boundaries. I’d put them on a “need to know” basis, and not give them any more information than necessary–including explanations. That is, stop trying to convince them with words, and instead let time do the talking to show that you are capable and responsible for making your own choices. When they demand to know what you were thinking, or how you’re going to do this or that, you could just ignore the questions/criticisms. If they persist, you might try something like, “I appreciate your concern, but I wasn’t asking for your opinion or permission.” Don’t explain and don’t bother to defend your position–sometimes it’s hard not to in response to a verbal attack, but there’s really no reason to do so. Answering the question is going to give them the idea that they had the right to ask it in the first place (or that you’re giving them permission to influence your husband’s and your decisions).

Remember that you don’t have to attend every argument to which you’re invited. And “honoring your mother and father” does NOT mean you need their approval to make decisions as an adult. 😉

Just my :twocents:

Will pray for you.
 
EasterJoy said:
Cross the bridge when you come to it. God gives grace for the problems you actually have, but a lot less for the as-of-yet imaginary ones. Tend to your trust in God, and when the time comes the red phone will be ready for you.

“When they take you before synagogues and before rulers and authorities, do not worry about how or what your defense will be or about what you are to say. For the holy Spirit will teach you at that moment what you should say.” Luke 12:11-12
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Agreed. If you’re trying to conceive, you don’t need to get all emotionally worked up about something that might not even happen.
Stop fretting.
And good luck!
 
AClaire11 said:
. I haven’t even hinted that we’re trying because hinting that we were getting engaged just made my parents angry and didn’t lessen the blow like I thought it would.
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I think it is great you haven’t hinted because frankly, I have always been of the opinion that when married children talk with their parents about the future plans about kids, it simply destroys the intimacy of marriage. I don’t think people should ask nor should people tell about those things. It is a private conversation between married people and keeping it private makes a marriage better IMO

Also, it is not surprise that hinting about being engaged did not soften the blow. While you were dating your husband, your parents knew there was a strong chance you would marry since you weren’t breaking up. No parent needs to be told there is a possibility of marriage, they know it is there.

And I think you married a gem. To be willing to stand up for you and tell your parents to leave you alone. Look at the positive !

Angie
 
You need to live your own lives. It seems your parents won’t be happy regardless of what you do or don’t do. So, stop placing too much concern in their direction over this.

It won’t hurt if you do have skills for a job. You never know when working even part time might help out financially or be absolutely unavoidable. Do keep writing and investigate some basic work options like clerical and secretarial jobs. Even temp agencies, just in case you could use a little extra cash or you have a spell of boredom.

But in the end you and your husband must make your own choices, independent of what either of your parents think. At 24 or 25 you are certainly old enough to do so. Move on.
 
CatholicRaven said:
I’d say once you are pregnant, I agree with heidi_storage to go for the simple approach, like: “We have some great news: we’re going to have a baby!” If they start in with negativity, don’t bite–just politely but firmly tell them, “Well, we are very happy about it. We’re sorry that you aren’t, but this is our decision, and we hope you can respect that. We love you, goodbye.” And hang up. If/when they call back, you can be willing to talk, but NOT to listen to unsolicited “advice,” criticism, or questions that are really criticism disguised as “concern.”
Will pray for you.
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This is good advice. You are an adult and are able to choose your own path in life. It really sounds like you and your parents have different values and, as adults, we have to realize that it’s okay to agree to disagree - even when it’s your parents. Don’t feel guilty for wanting the life that you feel you are called to have.
 
Thank you for the replies and advice! I can’t really “sit down” with them because we’re pretty far away, but I’ll keep this all in mind when we eventually have a discussion. I agree that boundaries are definitely important…It seems that my husband and I both struggle with making them when it comes to our parents. Maybe because we both hate conflict and sometimes it feels easier to just deal with or ignore the encroachments. So we’ll definitely start working on that!
 
Alisa,
I like your blog.
I read this today, by Lisa Graas: . “I’d like to encourage all faithful Catholics who are not currently blogging, who have been considering blogging, please, if you can…blog. Even if you only get a few readers, every faithful Catholic blog counts.”

I’m working on blogging but don’t want to be in-your-face Catholic about it. Hard to walk a narrow line.
God bless as you start your family.
 
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