I
IBM
Guest
Ok. I am 16. Since I was 8 I have known this particular other girl. She has always tried to be nice to me. But instead she makes me feel jealous and insecure. I could never stand to be anywhere near her. When I was 10 I used to cry every night out of pure lust and jealousy. Anyway. When I was 14 I had an internet pseudonym. You wouldn’t believe how much it meant to me. Now this girl has a lot of loving friends and family. I don’t. What made me feel good was that name. Now I ended up losing the run of myself with that name. I was obsessed with religion at the time (again, probably a substitute for lack of a mother or loving family…) So I put personal stuff all over cyberspace without thinking. Including anti-abortion websites. Meanwhile, this girl had a baby…A Baby Who Has My Nickname. Did she name her after me? I will never honestly know. But unless it’s all in my head, there’s an awful lot of evidence which tells me she did. But it doesn’t really matter…Now the point is. There I was, all happy with my own little name. Family? Nope! Friends? Nope! Lonely? Yep! But happy and secure, just once I could have that name. But now. There she was. With a little baby. Who Had My Name. Obviously she loves the baby very much. Does she love ME like that? Of course not. So there she is with my name, with a baby who she loves, and here I am, left empty and broken, because she doesn’t even care what she’s done to me. And so what, I was anti-abortion. It’s not like she’d have had an abortion anyway-at least I really don’t think so. And she has a lot of loving family and friends. I don’t. My mother was mentally unstable and really didn’t want me. My father, who I live alone with, is a control freak. He doesn’t let me go anywhere. And he used to sexually abuse me. Anyway the point is, that name just made me so happy, and now it’s gone, and there’s this girl with a baby with my name, who doesn’t love me like the baby. Of course this is going to upset me…and she really doesn’t care. Ohh yes, take the name because I’m anti-abortion, but then just leave me like a worthless piece of rubbish. That’s how she makes me feel sometimes.
What makes it even worse is, everything she is, absolutely goes against everything that I am. Her idea of a good time is partying and sex, which absolutely do not appeal to me at all. So trying to be friends with her would really just make it worse. She did try to make friends with me. Once. But by then I’d already been obsessed with her for months, and I was so jealous that I behaved like a total brat, was very rude, and didn’t even mention the baby. So yeah, she didn’t come out with me again. And for the whole rest of the summer, I was wondering where I went wrong. Ok, I can see it better now, but surely if she’d had any decency, she would have understood why I behaved like that and at least try to explain it to me. But I CAN see it from her perspective as well. It wasn’t her fault either. If she read all that stuff on the internet, why shouldn’t she misjudge my maturity? When she gave the baby that name, she probably thought it was someone mature and supportive, and not a disturbed little girl. So I can see that it wasn’t her fault either. But it still annoys me.
I’ve been wishing for her to love me and be friends for over a year now. Ever since I heard about the baby. In May, I was on a school trip to Rome. Now, everyone from school is used to leaving the country a lot, and going a lot of fun places. But not me. When I was there, I saw a lot of beautiful things, and even the Pope. But I didn’t even care, because I had eyes for none of them. All the time, I was wishing to be friends with this girl, for her to love me like her baby. That was all I really cared about. Then on my 16th birthday. Well, I spent it in tears. I was so upset because she wasn’t there and she didn’t love me. But a week after, I did manage to celebrate, by going to a certain city and climbing a church tower. Then I just looked out at the city, and again, wished for nothing but to be with this person. Well, my birthday was nearly 2 months ago. So far nothing has happened. It looks as if the angels have sapped away all my wishes, and given them to the baby. That’s absolutely nice of them. And again, she doesn’t even care what she’s doing to me. Maybe she doesn’t understand. Maybe if she knew how I felt…but what’s the use? She’s a good person, but the absolute last thing I want is her sympathy. She doesn’t love me like the baby. So now I just have to live with it. Even if she knew, it’s not as if she could do anything. So what do I do now? Forget her and be me? Yes, I have a new nickname, and she’s not going to try steal this one. And I know I can find a lot of other things to do, and it’s a big world and someday I’ll find someone else. And it’s not like she did it on purpose. If I’m going to spill my guts out all over cyberspace, then I may as well live with the consequences. And how was she to know that I’d be jealous instead of supportive? So I may as well forget it, and I think the best thing to do is to stay absolutely away from her. But it still hurts, I am still in some amount of anguish-which is not as bad as it used to be, but I still cry uncontrollably every night. Also I should be focusing on schoolwork, which I’m absolutely neglecting. I think I have thought of everything there is to say about it, but I post it here for any further advice, and also to ask for your prayers.
Thanks.
What makes it even worse is, everything she is, absolutely goes against everything that I am. Her idea of a good time is partying and sex, which absolutely do not appeal to me at all. So trying to be friends with her would really just make it worse. She did try to make friends with me. Once. But by then I’d already been obsessed with her for months, and I was so jealous that I behaved like a total brat, was very rude, and didn’t even mention the baby. So yeah, she didn’t come out with me again. And for the whole rest of the summer, I was wondering where I went wrong. Ok, I can see it better now, but surely if she’d had any decency, she would have understood why I behaved like that and at least try to explain it to me. But I CAN see it from her perspective as well. It wasn’t her fault either. If she read all that stuff on the internet, why shouldn’t she misjudge my maturity? When she gave the baby that name, she probably thought it was someone mature and supportive, and not a disturbed little girl. So I can see that it wasn’t her fault either. But it still annoys me.
I’ve been wishing for her to love me and be friends for over a year now. Ever since I heard about the baby. In May, I was on a school trip to Rome. Now, everyone from school is used to leaving the country a lot, and going a lot of fun places. But not me. When I was there, I saw a lot of beautiful things, and even the Pope. But I didn’t even care, because I had eyes for none of them. All the time, I was wishing to be friends with this girl, for her to love me like her baby. That was all I really cared about. Then on my 16th birthday. Well, I spent it in tears. I was so upset because she wasn’t there and she didn’t love me. But a week after, I did manage to celebrate, by going to a certain city and climbing a church tower. Then I just looked out at the city, and again, wished for nothing but to be with this person. Well, my birthday was nearly 2 months ago. So far nothing has happened. It looks as if the angels have sapped away all my wishes, and given them to the baby. That’s absolutely nice of them. And again, she doesn’t even care what she’s doing to me. Maybe she doesn’t understand. Maybe if she knew how I felt…but what’s the use? She’s a good person, but the absolute last thing I want is her sympathy. She doesn’t love me like the baby. So now I just have to live with it. Even if she knew, it’s not as if she could do anything. So what do I do now? Forget her and be me? Yes, I have a new nickname, and she’s not going to try steal this one. And I know I can find a lot of other things to do, and it’s a big world and someday I’ll find someone else. And it’s not like she did it on purpose. If I’m going to spill my guts out all over cyberspace, then I may as well live with the consequences. And how was she to know that I’d be jealous instead of supportive? So I may as well forget it, and I think the best thing to do is to stay absolutely away from her. But it still hurts, I am still in some amount of anguish-which is not as bad as it used to be, but I still cry uncontrollably every night. Also I should be focusing on schoolwork, which I’m absolutely neglecting. I think I have thought of everything there is to say about it, but I post it here for any further advice, and also to ask for your prayers.
Thanks.
So plz, give me your prayers. Thanks 
