Annulment - advice needed, also

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forgetmenot

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I hope I’m not duplicating a post… I don’t think so… so I’ll try again.

Basically, my spouse of nearly 30 years has commenced writing his annulment paperwork for his first marriage. The problem is he is having a great deal of difficulty remembering what happened well over 30 years ago. He has forgotten some very important details, including who proposed to who, how long the dating/engagement was (though we do know it was short), and generally a lot of stuff that is asked on the forms pre-marriage. The question is, what can he do???🤷 This is very important stuff, and he’s at a loss! He has been working on this with someone, but he’s been told he has to write more informaton. This is not good… what can he do?

Our history together is rather long and complicated. Though I must say that this has been a healing for us both, as we were college sweethearts, broke up mutually, and you can probably figure out the rest. (I would ask for no lectures, please.)

Thanks, and God Bless.
 
I know when I filled out my annulment paperwork, I only had to go 10 years or so back, and it wasn’t easy.

It helps to take your time, and definitely do a rough draft. Do a little on the draft every day, maybe no more than a half hour to forty-five minutes. Put the draft away for a week when it is finished, and come back to it to edit.

As he goes through the draft, one event or circumstance will jog his memory of another, because things never happen in a vacuum.

Another idea is prior to doing the rough draft, make a timeline of sorts. Make a page for each year. 30 years ago? So, 1978 gets a page or two, then 1979, and so on, for the length of their first meeting to the divorce. What other significant things happened in say, 1978? There are jillions of web sites with such information, along with books that chronicle these years. Reading through these can help rattle the brain into remembering what was going on in his life. He can then take notes on things he remembers.

Remember it is always better to take time with the paperwork, than to rush to fill it out, even if it takes a month or two. Those that rush find themselves answering more questions, or getting their paperwork back and asked for more toughtful explanations.
 
thanks…
We did the timeline thing, and it did work to some degree. He’s been diligently working on this nearly two months, I’d say. He does work on it every day, except weekends… I helped him quite a bit, believe it or not, because things that seemed unimportant to him really were important… It’s amazing what we both were able to talk about. I just don’t know how else to jog the brain… At least I know we’re on the right track trying to remember. I worry, though, what if he can’t remember the most important stuff???
 
forgetmenot said:
thanks…
We did the timeline thing, and it did work to some degree. He’s been diligently working on this nearly two months, I’d say. Wow! He must really wnat it done. He does work on it every day, except weekends… I helped him quite a bit, believe it or not, because things that seemed unimportant to him really were important That’s guys for you. What we think is important usually is. 😉 … It’s amazing what we both were able to talk about. I just don’t know how else to jog the brain… At least I know we’re on the right track trying to remember. I worry, though, what if he can’t remember the most important stuff??? I think you will do fine, both of you. Is his ex participating? If not, then it’s his word against her nontestimony. And remember, his advocate will go over his testimony before it’s submitted to the trbunal, so he or she will spot any missing information.
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forgetmenot said:
. . … I worry, though, what if he can’t remember the most important stuff???
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Like anything else in life: you pray hard, give it your best, and trust God to make it work. [It’s that last step that always leaves me worried too.;)]
 
I certainly will take the advice of researching the internet for more timeline stuff to try. Having tried the timeline thing, my digging further on the net may help further. That was certainly a great idea. 👍

Yeah, he’s typical guy. His advocate, he’s working with a Brother, even told him that guys have a great deal of difficulty remembering, but women remember everything!

The things he’s told me, though, have been unbelievable. The healing thing… It has resolved so many differences/questions between us. He was working on his paperwork for years, though not genuinely; there were lies so often that the paperwork even went in. With each milestone anniversary, another opportunity passed by, and more hurt… I was beginning to feel that I had made a tragic mistake being with him, especially all these years and feeling the way I did; I thought we’d never have a solution. This was so untrue, as I’m joyously realizing. He is very determined, now, to get this done and make this right for both of us!

Thank you, both, for positive (name removed by moderator)ut…
 
Well, thank you, for being a very positive person! I hope you hang around long after the decree of nullity process is complete.
 
As others have said … do your best … there are others who also provide testimony [your husbans witnesses, his former spuse and her witnesses] … so they may provide asdditional details …

Also, what we think is important may not be what matters to the tribunal … we tend to think matters that explain or justify our actions are important … the tribunal will be looking to the facts surrounding the consent to marry … they are not always the same thing… but the evidence of how our lives are lived out give evidence to our ‘consent’ … generally speaking … because a person could perpetrate an absolute fraud in the marriage ceremony [like promising to want/have children while fully intending not to]…

When filling out the annullment questionaire, the best thing to do is to honestly write what you know to be factual, don’t spin events or feeling, be painfully honest about yourself and trust that God will guide the tribunal in their decision …

God Bless you … Pray and here is just my advice:

Discuss all of the proabable outcomes and how you will live the results … for example: what will you do if the decree is not granted? It is better to face this potential face on …
 
If he has any photos from that time of his life, or any family members do, have him pull them out and see if they start to bring back the parts he’s not remembering. It may not be fun to do, but it may help him with memories that are a bit lost to him.

He wants to be careful of taking other people’s memories for his own though - make sure he goes by what HE remembers, not by what he’s told happened. But you probably already know that. 😉

~Liza
 
Thank you, everyone, for the words of encouragement and advice.
Will keep you all posted.
🙂
 
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