Annulment after sex change?

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cmh2006

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My husband has recently revealed to me that he is struggling through an issue I never thought would enter my life. He believes he is a transgender. He thinks he should be a woman and he tells me that most of the time he is pretending he is a woman. He doesn’t seem that way to me, he has always been masculine and the man in our relationship. I told him I would never leave him. Now he repeatedly asks me if I will leave him. For awhile I kept reassuring him that I would not, because I do love him and I take my marriage vows seriously and believe that this is the man I am supposed to be with…

Then I found out the extent to which he is researching “transitioning” himself into a woman. He has been searching for sex change operations, looking up the medications/hormones he needs to take, he has doctors names and payment methods researched, he’s been talking to transgender “counselors” over the phone (a former man that remained married to his wife with their 3 children after a transition), and he is constantly messaging in groups and discussing methods of transitioning at all hours of the day and night. He asks me strange questions constantly. Asking if he could grow his hair out and dress up, asking if he could get his facial hair removed by laser, and various other things I just can’t process right now.

Now I have made it clear to him that I will never leave the man I married, but if he was no longer a man I couldn’t stay. We do not have children of our own yet and at this time I am unwilling to have a baby as I do not want to bring children into this, I do not think it would be right to bring a child in when my husband wants to go and change himself into a woman. He has said it would be better if he just killed himself, he feels awful and doesn’t want to hurt me. I have made him promise not to hurt himself, I do not believe that he will.

I do not know what to do anymore. I cry every day and I drink every night. I am miserably unhappy because I don’t want to lose him, but if he keeps going down this path I will. What are my obligations as a practicing Catholic if my husband goes through with a sex change operation? I do not believe I could stay married to him and live with myself at that point, but what would the Church say if I left him, or even divorced him? Would I be granted an annulment? At what point do I draw the line? I can find no answers anywhere. From everything he is saying to me and reading about online and through phone conversations with transgender people it seems he now believes the only thing that will ever give him peace is to go through with a sex change operation. He has told me that the Church will allow this in extreme circumstances but he would then need to go to confession and live celibate. That certainly isn’t okay with me, and I have told him that it will rob me of future children and of my husband.

I have thought about going to see my priest but I am so embarrassed and ashamed and I just can’t imagine this is the kind of thing my pastor talks about on a daily basis. And honestly, I don’t think I could show my face any more at that church if someone knew. He has been going to confession but he doesn’t come back from it with any apparent change. I am writing on here because I have not been able to talk to anyone at all about this, there is no one I would trust with this kind of information. I am hoping someone can offer some words that would help or at the very least say a prayer for my husband and our family.
 
I wish I could help you, but all I can really do is pray for you. You might try reading information you find searching “sex change regret.” Outcomes are not necessarily good, and you might see if your husband would consider going to a counselor who does not assume that going through the process is the cure for what’s happening to him, if you can find a counselor like that.
 
May God help and strengthen you, this must be a terrible trial.

If you don’t feel comfortable telling your pastor about it, you could always consult another priest, say from a monastery or neighboring parish. He could guide you as far as your obligations.

Your husband needs serious help. Professional help. From a good psychologist who won’t encourage him in his disordered thinking. It wouldn’t hurt for you to go to counseling yourself, to get some support and encouragement. Is there a Catholic Charities / Catholic Community Services near you?
 
He has gone to a few therapists… general consensus seems to be its ok and its normal. He told one it wouldn’t be good for his family and they said he had to do what was best for him and not worry about me. He has an appt with a Catholic therapist but not for another month, I can only pray it goes better.

I had thought of going to another church, but I don’t know how I could even speak without crying hysterically… do you think they would read something if I brought it with me?

Thank you for your prayers, just knowing someone besides me is praying makes me feel a little bit better.
 
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cmh2006:
My husband has recently revealed to me that he is struggling through an issue I never thought would enter my life. He believes he is a transgender. He thinks he should be a woman and he tells me that most of the time he is pretending he is a woman.
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He can think, believe, wish, fantasize, desire, prefer…to be other than what he is, he will always be a man.
Then I found out the extent to which he is researching “transitioning” himself into a woman.
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He can never transform into a woman. He will always be a man. He is sick.
He has said it would be better if he just killed himself, he feels awful and doesn’t want to hurt me.
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If he speaks of suicide anytime, call 911, this is a zero tolerance statement. If you do, and they come, then let him know that if he says it again you will call again and it is your duty to do this.
I do not know what to do anymore. I cry every day and I drink every night. I am miserably unhappy because I don’t want to lose him, but if he keeps going down this path I will.
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Stop drinking every night and get some help. This will not help you. It will only make things worse. You need to see someone that you can talk to, Therapist that can be of many types. You are in a sick relationship and you need to get healthy.
What are my obligations as a practicing Catholic if my husband goes through with a sex change operation? I do not believe I could stay married to him and live with myself at that point, but what would the Church say if I left him, or even divorced him? Would I be granted an annulment?
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It depends. You need to ferret out from him, if he believed this prior to your marriage. If so, then he deceived you and you may consider this as grounds for annulment. Would you have married a man that was troubled and sick as this if you had known?
At what point do I draw the line? I can find no answers anywhere.
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Now is the time. While he gets sicker you need to get healthier and take care of yourself.
He has told me that the Church will allow this in extreme circumstances but he would then need to go to confession and live celibate. That certainly isn’t okay with me, and I have told him that it will rob me of future children and of my husband.
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Wrong. The Church will accept him if he confesses and he will always be a he that allowed himself to be castrated and will never be a woman.
I have thought about going to see my priest but I am so embarrassed and ashamed and I just can’t imagine this is the kind of thing my pastor talks about on a daily basis.
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Talk to a priest, therapist, Nurse, Social Worker, someone….get yourself together and start taking care of you…your husband has shown that at this point his focus is on himself and his sickness. You can’t help him.
 
I just looked and there is a Catholic charities here, but the site says nothing about counselling, just adoptions, homeless and food bank.
 
The only way an annullment is granted is by proving there was an impediment to the marriage in the first place and it usually is something that happens before the marriage occured. If consent was not possible at the time of marriage (for example, if one of the spouses lied about an issue that would have otherwise made the other not agree to marry), the marriage could be annulled. In your case, and only going by this one issue, if he felt these feeling BEFORE you got married and never shared thm with you, that could be grounds for an annullment. But if he had no ideas like this before you married, and this is a recent thing for him…well, I’m not a tribunal, they’d have to answer that one. But usually problems like these are not spur of the moment problems. They are usually deep rooted and chances are he knew about this problem before he asked you to marry him, and did not share this information with you. You’ll have to correct this assumption if it is wrong. Without this information, if he never shared it with you, you would not have been able to consent to marry him. Consent requires full disclosure, among other things.
 
Rence said:
The only way an annullment is granted is by proving there was an impediment to the marriage in the first place and it usually is something that happens before the marriage occured. If consent was not possible at the time of marriage (for example, if one of the spouses lied about an issue that would have otherwise made the other not agree to marry), the marriage could be annulled. In your case, and only going by this one issue, if he felt these feeling BEFORE you got married and never shared thm with you, that could be grounds for an annullment. But if he had no ideas like this before you married, and this is a recent thing for him…well, I’m not a tribunal, they’d have to answer that one. But usually problems like these are not spur of the moment problems. They are usually deep rooted and chances are he knew about this problem before he asked you to marry him, and did not share this information with you. You’ll have to correct this assumption if it is wrong. Without this information, if he never shared it with you, you would not have been able to consent to marry him. Consent requires full disclosure, among other things.
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and I said just that…
It depends. You need to ferret out from him, if he believed this prior to your marriage. If so, then he deceived you and you may consider this as grounds for annulment. Would you have married a man that was troubled and sick as this if you had known?
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Before marriage he did talk vaguely about this. He was sexually abused as a child by gay men and he said at the time he pretended he was a girl so it wouldn’t feel so “wrong”. So you could say I knew some parts of this, but the extent of which I’m facing now… ? No! Why did he even marry me if he felt this way?
 
I’ve also just learned that this is how how his first marriage ended (annuled but not for these reasons), before he told me she had cheated. Now he tells me he went through this same thing back then but she made him promise to wait until their baby was older. Said baby is about to graduate high school.
 
Re: Catholic charities, an earlier poster suggested looking there for counseling
 
cmh2006 said:
Re: Catholic charities, an earlier poster suggested looking there for counseling
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That is not where to look for counseling. If you have health insurance look in your provider booklet and find a therapist.
 
cmh2006 said:
I’ve also just learned that this is how how his first marriage ended (annuled but not for these reasons), before he told me she had cheated. Now he tells me he went through this same thing back then but she made him promise to wait until their baby was older. Said baby is about to graduate high school.
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If he knew he had these feelings before you married and did not disclose them that is an impediment to a valid marriage. I would seek an annulment, you absolutely have criteria for it -but you must divorce first. Do not not sacrifice your future children. This man knew these things and told you nothing. Why on earth would he put another woman through this after he already created one broken family?
 
After the experiences my husband’s had with liberal do what makes you feel good therapists I am not likely to do this honestly.
 
Two women cannot be married, if he chooses to do his thing then seek an annulment, or at the least a legal separation. If you desire another marriage down the road then an annulment! Not healthy for you to stay in this relationship. IMHO This is pure selfishness on his part.
 
cmh2006 said:
Before marriage he did talk vaguely about this. He was sexually abused as a child by gay men and he said at the time he pretended he was a girl so it wouldn’t feel so “wrong”. So you could say I knew some parts of this, but the extent of which I’m facing now… ? No! Why did he even marry me if he felt this way?
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He has been running away from this problem since childhood. He needs to be willing to help himself with his psychological problems before he destroys his body. The fact that this surgery even exists is sickening to me - it is a dereliction of duty by medical and psychological professionals.
 
cmh2006 said:
After the experiences my husband’s had with liberal do what makes you feel good therapists I am not likely to do this honestly.
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You need to find a therapist that you can trust and the best thing is to research your health insurance book. Talk to a priest and they may know a Catholic Therapist.
 
Yikes. What a difficult situation. As has been said, if your husband has struggled with these feelings before your marriage and concealed them from you (as it appears he has), you would have grounds for annulment, most likely under canon 1095 section 3, “those who are not able to assume the essential obligations of marriage for causes of a psychic nature” (these people are identified as being “incapable of contracting marriage”).

We are not really qualified to give you counseling here. That’s a liability issue on CAF’s part and for your own good. As has been suggested, you should consider looking up a good Catholic therapist who can walk you through your options here and provide you with needed support. The advice to talk to your pastor or spiritual director is also very sound.
 
sw85 said:
Yikes. What a difficult situation. As has been said, if your husband has struggled with these feelings before your marriage and concealed them from you (as it appears he has), you would have grounds for annulment, most likely under canon 1095 section 3, “those who are not able to assume the essential obligations of marriage for causes of a psychic nature” (these people are identified as being “incapable of contracting marriage”).

We are not really qualified to give you counseling here. That’s a liability issue on CAF’s part and for your own good. As has been suggested, you should consider looking up a good Catholic therapist who can walk you through your options here and provide you with needed support. The advice to talk to your pastor or spiritual director is also very sound.
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Qualified or not, it is not in the best interest of this forum to counsel on the CAF, nor is it in the best interest of the person needing counseling.
 
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