Annulment and Invalid Marriages HELP

[CasperSheen]

I have a question concerning marriage and mortal sin but I must give my story first. Me and my wife have been (civilly) married for several years now but when we got married I was a fallen away Catholic, basically an agnostic and my wife didn’t practice any religion for a long time. And long before we got (civilly) married, my wife was actually married before me and she had 2 kids from that marriage but she ended up getting a divorce from him because her husband was physically abusive and addicted to drugs. Right now we have two more kids of our own (3 years old and 5 weeks old) and I have been the father figure for her two older kids (my 2 step-kids) from her previous marriage for almost 10 years now. So basically, it is my understanding that since I was born and raised Catholic that my marriage is invalid but also because she has been married and divorced already, so now in order to right the wrongs (sins/adulterous marriage) she needs to get an annulment and we need to get our marriage blessed. Now my question really pertains to mortal sin… Since I have now confessed these Sins (to my priest) then am I still in a state of mortal sin? As I am still living with my wife and sleeping in the same bed with her (although not having sex and trying to abstain from sexual contact)… And I was under the impression that even co-habitating without having sex is a mortal sin, therefore I must be damned to hell at the moment along with my wife, right? So does God want me to pull an Augustine and leave my girlfriend (civil wife)? Does God want me to just abandon my 4 kids? Basically, is it a Sin to co-habitate along with my (civil) wife? I’m interested as to the answer for this and I’m also curious if for instance that this particular co-habitation if it be NOT a mortal sin then what about sexual relations with her (my wife)? If it is mortal sin to have sex with her then does it also mean I am sinning simply by kissing her, hugging and sleeping in the same bed, without the sex? Obviously, if we are not married and she is still married then even kissing her would be adulterous, right? As I would technically be kissing another man’s wife, right?

I don’t know what God wants me to do here… I have filed for the annulment (and waiting on results) and given many confessions being truly sorry for all my sins, including sexual sins in my invalid marriage… But I am now taking a new look at this situation and it seems that no matter what I do that I am damned to hell (which I don’t particularly like and find it hard to believe) because I still kiss her (I love her and show affection to her) and sleep in the same bed (without having sex), therefore we are still guilty of adultery (kissing, hugging ,etc) as her previous marriage is technically considered valid until proven otherwise. Now I have read through other sources and they seem to say (although I don’t know how accurate they are) that we should live as brother and sister, as to be in a state of grace so we can receive communion, but how is that possible when we have 4 kids and have been together (sexually and living as married) for about 10 years? Why would God pull me into the Church and to come all this way (I was a monster before) and to repent of all my sins just to find out that I am damned anyways because of technicalities and choices I made when I was a faithless agnostic? And I have to wonder, what will I do if they deny my annulment? Does God really want me to abandon my wife and 4 kids?

Please help me…
I don’t particularly want to go to hell and I am at a loss concerning who to talk to about these issues. Some people (including my own family) see me as a religious fanatic already who is taking things too seriously, others are too ignorant to give me good answers and still others are not trustworthy.

P.S.,
I have been going to confession about once a week and receiving communion (while abstaining and trying to abstain * from sexual relations with my wife)…

But now I have I been thinking that I may have really been re-crucifying Our Lord by receiving him unworthily, that is, in a state of mortal sin?

And suppose that I look at my own wife lustfully does that mean that I am committing mortal sin? And if I kiss her does that really mean that I am kissing someone elses wife, thus guilty of mortal sin? And if I am supposed to abandon her and the kids, then how am I to explain that to my children or even to convince them that they should be Catholic? Will they not see me as heartless? Especially my little ones when they grow up?

Can you imagine my two little ones saying, “Why did you abandon me?”

What am I supposed to say? Cause the Church that Jesus Christ established told me to do so?*

 

[ClearWater]

I´m not sure. I think were I in your situation that I’d ask a priest.

Hail Mary, Full of Grace, the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst women, and blest is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.

 

[CasperSheen]

I have talked to my priest about this and he is the one who filed the annulment papers… But he really hasn’t said much about my situation except to say that, “God created them male and female” and I think it was his opinion that as long as I confess my sins then I can receive communion, even if I am living with and kissing my wife. Although, it is a comfort to me that we are not having sex for the sake of our souls but what I want is surety and someone to talk to that has the answers to my predicament. And I’m curious to know what the Church thinks and wants me to do if my wifes annulment is not granted… It doesn’t seem right to leave my children and my wife to fend for themselves, especially spiritually. Basically, if I leave my house even if I give them money and come around etc… My kids will not get taught the faith and she will end up with another guy that gets to raise my kids, maybe not at first, but eventually…

Can you imagine my kids asking me, “Dad, why did you abandon us?”

Well… any priest on this forum?

 

[Steveabrous]

When you went to confession and made this confession the priest should not have absolved you since you persist in a state of mortal sin. I know this because I was in your situation. Begin the process to rectify the situation. Have your wife begin the annulment process and have your marraige blessed. If you do this, then I say , if either dies before the situation is corrected you would fall under the “Desire” categorie and would not necessarily go to hell. My situation took 3 years to correct But yours should not take as long since we got a Papal dissolution of my wife’s first marraige

 

[polki]

I don’t believe your story because what you described is not the way you file for an annulment. I don’t know what your real issue is, but please do not exploit the kindness and good will of the Catholics on this site. Thank you.

 

[hotdiggity]

having gone through the process myself, i, also, wonder about the way you’ve mentioned the Priest filing your annulment papers for you…

EDIT in any case, a search of the forums should list several threads which may give you more information regarding your situation

 

[nodito]

Thank you for coming here.

The consenus of what I have read on this topic is that divorced and remarried Catholics may receive communion if they 1) Make a good confession for any mortal sin they’ve committed, including attempting marriage outside of the Church, adultery, etc and 2) Agree to live as brother and sister with their civil spouse until they receive an anullment for any previous marriages and are able to have the marriage convalidated.

The concerns you have about abandoning your children are legitimate ones. They need and deserve a stable home with both parents. I think your approach (starting the annulment process, avoiding lust and sexual contact with your civil wife, frequent confession) is a good one. You might choose to attend Mass at a parish where no one knows your irregular marital situation so as not to scandalize anyone. And work hard to avoid doing anything with your wife that you wouldn’t do with a good friend.

God bless you and may God’s will be done in your life.

 

[CasperSheen]

I don’t believe your story because what you described is not the way you file for an annulment. I don’t know what your real issue is, but please do not exploit the kindness and good will of the Catholics on this site. Thank you.

I’m not sure how the “correct way” to file is but I can assure you that my wife filled out the annulment papers and brought them to the priest. I remember because I took the papers up there MYSELF along with our own marriage certificate and her divorce papers. The priest said that he would take care of it. I imagine that means he mails them to people who judge the annulment case… So whether you believe me or not, I am telling the truth and neither am I exploiting anyone’s kindness but I really am in peril here. Disturbed because all I want to do is the WILL of God and it feels like I am failing because of this. But if you persist that I am lying them please message me and I will diclose my name, location, priest, family (4 kids, names and age, etc…) … God is my witness. I am not lying…

 

[CasperSheen]

When you went to confession and made this confession the priest should not have absolved you since you persist in a state of mortal sin. I know this because I was in your situation. Begin the process to rectify the situation. Have your wife begin the annulment process and have your marraige blessed. If you do this, then I say , if either dies before the situation is corrected you would fall under the “Desire” categorie and would not necessarily go to hell. My situation took 3 years to correct But yours should not take as long since we got a Papal dissolution of my wife’s first marraige

Am I in mortal sin even if I don’t have sex with my wife? And when I went to confession I confessed sex in my invalid marriage, etc, etc… to him. And I have been abstaining from sexual relations with her…

 

[nodito]

Am I in mortal sin even if I don’t have sex with my wife?

No.

If it turns out that your wife’s first marriage is valid, you’ll need to have a serious discussion with a priest about what that means for your household. It may involve moving out and living nearby or it may mean living in the same house while practicing continence. In the meantime, you confessed your invalid marriage and received absolution. You are free to receive communion.

 

[1ke]

Am I in mortal sin even if I don’t have sex with my wife?

No.

Really, this is something you need to talk to your pastor about, because you will get all sorts of answers here and the majority will be inaccurate.

And when I went to confession I confessed sex in my invalid marriage, etc, etc… to him. And I have been abstaining from sexual relations with her…

Remain under your confessor priest’s direction on this topic. You were absolved, be at peace.

 

[1ke]

It may involve moving out and living nearby

Please do not give such information, which is not accurate. The Church does not ask this of a couple in an invalid marriage with minor children involved.

From the Pontifical Council on Legislative Texts, concerning the admission to holy communion of faithful who are divorced and remarried:

Those faithful who are divorced and remarried would not be considered to be within the situation of serious habitual sin who would not be able, for serious motives - such as, for example, the upbringing of the children - “to satisfy the obligation of separation, assuming the task of living in full continence, that is, abstaining from the acts proper to spouses” (Familiaris consortio, n. 84), and who on the basis of that intention have received the sacrament of Penance.

 

[polki]

I’m not sure how the “correct way” to file is but I can assure you that my wife filled out the annulment papers and brought them to the priest. I remember because I took the papers up there MYSELF along with our own marriage certificate and her divorce papers. The priest said that he would take care of it. I imagine that means he mails them to people who judge the annulment case… So whether you believe me or not, I am telling the truth and neither am I exploiting anyone’s kindness but I really am in peril here. Disturbed because all I want to do is the WILL of God and it feels like I am failing because of this. But if you persist that I am lying them please message me and I will diclose my name, location, priest, family (4 kids, names and age, etc…) … God is my witness. I am not lying…

My apologies.

 

[CasperSheen]

Thank you for coming here.

The consenus of what I have read on this topic is that divorced and remarried Catholics may receive communion if they 1) Make a good confession for any mortal sin they’ve committed, including attempting marriage outside of the Church, adultery, etc and 2) Agree to live as brother and sister with their civil spouse until they receive an anullment for any previous marriages and are able to have the marriage convalidated.

The concerns you have about abandoning your children are legitimate ones. They need and deserve a stable home with both parents. I think your approach (starting the annulment process, avoiding lust and sexual contact with your civil wife, frequent confession) is a good one. You might choose to attend Mass at a parish where no one knows your irregular marital situation so as not to scandalize anyone. And work hard to avoid doing anything with your wife that you wouldn’t do with a good friend.

God bless you and may God’s will be done in your life.

We did abstain from communion for a long time and then I heard that I could receive it but I thought actually thought of avoiding it as not to bring scandal but my priest said that communion is where I should be and if I am in a state of grace then I should. And I have been prepared to answer anybody that ask with the response that we (me and my wife) are abstaining from sex and I have confessed the times we slipped up (which wasn’t very many)… But now, I am not sure that we should be receiving communion at all… We are not having sex but is kissing really adultery and mortal sin? If I am attracted to my wife, does that mean I am committing adultery with her in my heart? It kinda seems so childish to think that I could be in mortal sin for kissing and looking at my wife, but at the same time it actually worries me.

And this all kinda spawned up tonight because I was reading the, “Secret of the Rosary” and I got to the FORTY-FIRST ROSE: PURITY OF INTENTION catholictradition.org/Classics/secret-rosary41.htm … …

“Secondly, because if they join one of Our Lady’s confraternities and recite the Rosary or some other prayer, but without having the slightest intention of giving up sin, they join the ranks of her false devotees. These presumptuous and impenitent devotees, hiding under her mantle, wearing the scapular and with rosary in hand, cry out: “Blessed Virgin, good Mother----Hail, Mary! . . .” And yet at the same time, by their sins, they are crucifying Our Lord Jesus Christ and tearing His flesh anew. It is a great tragedy, but from the very ranks of Our Lady’s most holy Confraternities souls are faIling into the fires of Hell.”

Kinda shook me up and I started thinking, have I been mocking God and re-crucifying his Son with Rosaries and prayers to his mother? Now, I can insure you that my intention is pure and I have been praying rosaries for the forgiveness of my sins and for a true conversion of heart and to draw close to Christ but at the same time reading this chapter has made me paranoid about my salvation… I will feel so much better if or WHEN we actually get this annulment because Hell is not really a place I feel like going too. And I actually did want to talk about this issue online because it can be kind of embarrassing to talk about these things face to face with people. Let the reader understand…

 

[nodito]

Please do not give such information, which is not accurate. The Church does not ask this of a couple in an invalid marriage with minor children involved.

From the Pontifical Council on Legislative Texts, concerning the admission to holy communion of faithful who are divorced and remarried:

Those faithful who are divorced and remarried would not be considered to be within the situation of serious habitual sin who would not be able, for serious motives - such as, for example, the upbringing of the children - “to satisfy the obligation of separation, assuming the task of living in full continence, that is, abstaining from the acts proper to spouses” (Familiaris consortio, n. 84), and who on the basis of that intention have received the sacrament of Penance.

Okay, thanks for the correction.

 

[CasperSheen]

My apologies.

It is no problem really… and I am kind of glad you didn’t ask me to dispose my personal information (which I would have done) because the whole point of talking about this online is that I’m kind of embarrassed to ask those around me about this… As most people around me (since I came back to the faith) already think that I am a religious fanatic… Many people would laugh at me for talking about these things and others would just think I’m crazy.

 

[CasperSheen]

No.

If it turns out that your wife’s first marriage is valid, you’ll need to have a serious discussion with a priest about what that means for your household. It may involve moving out and living nearby or it may mean living in the same house while practicing continence. In the meantime, you confessed your invalid marriage and received absolution. You are free to receive communion.

No.

Really, this is something you need to talk to your pastor about, because you will get all sorts of answers here and the majority will be inaccurate.

Remain under your confessor priest’s direction on this topic. You were absolved, be at peace.

Thanks for the consoling words… I just wanted to make sure that I wasn’t losing my mind and damning myself. I really do love Christ and the last thing I want to do is mock him in the most blessed sacrament of all! Now, I think to myself… It would have been so much easier to do things the right way the first time…

 

[Steveabrous]

Am I in mortal sin even if I don’t have sex with my wife? And when I went to confession I confessed sex in my invalid marriage, etc, etc… to him. And I have been abstaining from sexual relations with her…

That I’m not sure of.

When I went to confession I was not told that if we lived w/o sex it would change my situation. But that’s my situation, I’m no expert. If the priest said you were o.k. if you didn’t have sex then I guess your o.k.

 

[lily22]

just do the best you can…with what you have…and praise Him

 

[AnneTeresa]

Oh boy do I relate. I went through these same questions when I found out the church said our civil marriage was not recognized and my husband filed for annulment. My priest said similar things to what yours said. Unfortunately I listened to other people here at CA and to other priests in confession who said different things which led me to feel it was a catch22. It was so confusing. I had to ask myself at one point what God really wanted me to do.

You aren’t crazy, it’s something of a crazy making situation is all because these situations are so complicated. I pray things work out for you. It was such a relief when our whole situation finally got resolved. If it helps beg God to resolve this situation … he knows your heart.