Annulment complication and personal help

[JJO]

Hi Guys,

My Mother and Father are both Catholic. A number of years ago, my Mum left my Dad because of physical, verbal and psychological abuse. From experience, my Dad is a very difficult person to communicate with as he is toxic, proud and narcissistic.

1.)The 1st question is if my Mum can get an annulment or what else can she do since she cannot receive Communion
2.) She now has a boyfriend. I don’t know what to do since she seems to be happy with him and I don’t know whether to intervene or not.

Thank you,
God bless

 

[1ke]

The 1st question is if my Mum can get an annulment

Your mother should speak to her priest regarding her marriage and possible grounds of nullity.

what else can she do since she cannot receive Communion

Perhaps you are laboring under a misunderstanding. There is no reason your mother cannot receive communion if she’s in a state of grace. Divorce does not bar a person from communion.

She now has a boyfriend. I don’t know what to do since she seems to be happy with him and I don’t know whether to intervene or not.

Your mother is an adult. If she asks for your help, then help. Otherwise, it’s not your business.

 

[MNathaniel]

Your mother, if interested, will need to talk to a priest about how to explore whether her case qualifies for an annulment. It’s a case-by-case basis every time.

Your mother is free to receive Communion so long as she is living in a state of grace, not sin.

With respect, I’m not sure what kind of ‘intervention’ you imagine you, as the child, may effectively be able to perform on your mother’s behalf, regarding this boyfriend. My advice to you would be to approach your priest or another trusted spiritual director and ask him to counsel you about how to discuss (or avoid discussing) this topic with your mother.

 

[Rau]

1.)The 1st question is if my Mum can get an annulment or what else can she do since she cannot receive Communion

Nullity is assessed based on circumstances at the time of the marriage.

For what reason can your mother “not receive communion”? A separation in the circumstances you’ve described would not seem to weigh against receiving communion.

2.) She now has a boyfriend. I don’t know what to do since she seems to be happy with him and I don’t know whether to intervene or not.

While I don’t know exactly what you mean to imply by a “boyfriend”, that would seem potentially unwise if she is yet to resolve the status Of her marriage. However I cannot see it is your place to intervene.

 

[ConcernedConvert]

Is having a boyfriend prior to an annulment not considered sinful or scandalous to the church?

 

[1ke]

Is having a boyfriend prior to an annulment not considered sinful or scandalous to the church?

Not per se, no. “Boyfriend” is a rather ambiguous term.

This is in the prudential realm. It would be best to ascertain one’s status regarding freedom to marry, but it isn’t required in order to have opposite sex friends and companionship.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Is having a boyfriend prior to an annulment not considered sinful or scandalous to the church?

Dating, companionship, and particular friendships are culturally conditioned, and that is why neither canon law, nor, to my knowledge, catechisms (unless they would be very culturally focused), address the subject of whether a person, not free to marry, may keep any sort of company with a marriageable (or potentially marriageable) member of the opposite sex. The standard mindset of faithful, orthodox Catholics in our culture is that a divorced person avoids anything resembling “dating” until and unless they have an annulment, and typically, a faithful, orthodox Catholic will not “date” someone in those circumstances, and will at best be very circumspect about the kind of company they keep with that person.

Needless to say, divorced Catholics who are of a more secular mindset, or who do not look to the Church in making all of their life decisions in their daily affairs, follow the lead of the modern world and date (and even get engaged) as they see fit.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

Needless to say, divorced Catholics who are of a more secular mindset, or who do not look to the Church in making all of their life decisions in their daily affairs, follow the lead of the modern world and date (and even get engaged) as they see fit.

Perhaps it is tacky to answer one’s own question, but that little pencil thing disappeared and I can’t edit my comments:

This is why you see so many engaged (or pre-engaged) couples at the rectory, wanting to get married, but they can’t until they get annulments. Then it becomes a matter of great importance, to say the least, and the couple is on tenterhooks, begging and pleading the tribunal to “do something”. Then one (or possibly both) annulments fail to come through. What then? Attempt invalid marriage outside the Church? Leave the Church entirely? Just live together (which they are very likely doing anyway)? Or do the heroic thing and abandon the idea of getting married?

As a side note, I was appalled recently to hear that couples approach the SSPX — the SSPX! — for marriage while they are living together. The priest then just begins the marriage instruction (I don’t believe the SSPX does a communal pre-Cana course) and, to everyone’s credit, works with them to acquire the grace to abandon the sinful aspect of the relationship, quit having premarital sex, and take up separate residence until after the wedding. I suppose that is good as far as it goes, but the nature of SSPX faithful must have changed since I went to their chapel 30+ years ago, because back then, for an SSPX couple to “shack up”, would have been unthinkable. Everyone in the chapel would have stared daggers through the couple.

 

[EricF]

Everyone means well here with their advice. Having said that, go talk to a priest. These matters are too complicated to trust us with.

 

[JJO]

I will ask her to talk to a priest.

I thought the divorced couldn’t receive : Holy Communion for Divorced and Remarried? | EWTN

I have been careful not to be intrusive.
Thanks

 

[JJO]

long as she is living in a state of grace, not sin.

But this is in the catechism
2384 Divorce is a grave offense against the natural law. It claims to break the contract, to which the spouses freely consented, to live with each other till death. Divorce does injury to the covenant of salvation, of which sacramental marriage is the sign. Contracting a new union, even if it is recognized by civil law, adds to the gravity of the rupture: the remarried spouse is then in a situation of public and permanent adultery:

If a husband, separated from his wife, approaches another woman, he is an adulterer because he makes that woman commit adultery, and the woman who lives with him is an adulteress, because she has drawn another’s husband to herself.177

 

[JJO]

@EricF @1ke @Rau @HomeschoolDad @ConcernedConvert @MNathaniel
Just to clarify - they have a civil divorce

 

[JJO]

My Dad filed for a civil divorce. They have it now

 

[JJO]

That’s what I’m thinking. One cannot just assume one will get the annulment

 

[JJO]

But what if the annulment is denied. What happens to the ‘boyfriend’?

 

[JJO]

Totally agree

 

[JJO]

Thanks Eric

 

[1ke]

Just to clarify - they have a civil divorce

Yes, we know that. The answer does not change. Your mother can participate fully in the sacramental life of the church.

 

[1ke]

But what if the annulment is denied. What happens to the ‘boyfriend’?

There could be no marriage until the death of her spouse.

 

[1ke]

I thought the divorced couldn’t receive :

Divorced and remarried outside the Church. That isn’t her situation.

Frankly it’s not your business.