Annulment complication and personal help

[HomeschoolDad]

@EricF @1ke @Rau @HomeschoolDad @ConcernedConvert @MNathaniel
Just to clarify - they have a civil divorce

Doesn’t matter. A civil divorce does not dissolve a marriage, whether Catholic or non-Catholic. A civil divorce only affects legal obligations, property rights, and child custody. It is a necessary evil where a couple cannot live together anymore, most of all with regard to children. Without a custody arrangement, either parent has 100% rights over the child all the time, and there is no way to resolve conflicts legally.

But what if the annulment is denied. What happens to the ‘boyfriend’?

Then the relationship has to remain strictly platonic (which it should be in the first place, the Church presumes validity of one’s existing marriage unless proven otherwise), or if the couple cannot handle this, they have to go their separate ways.

As far as members of the opposite sexes, not free to marry one another, as I said above, “dating” is a cultural construct. I was just reading yesterday about a culture (Hmong from Laos) where a man selects his future wife, and then begins courting her. Interesting concept. Contemporary American women, especially if they are career-focused, would scream bloody murder at the suggestion of such a relationship — they need their “space” and their “freedom”. Some cultures do not “date” at all.

Much is made of sinful company-keeping in traditional Catholic circles, but in contemporary society, this is not something people pay any attention to. If I find the company of the widow Jones lady pleasant and stop by her house every Wednesday afternoon for tea and crumpets on the verandah while discussing art history, tongues would wag in small towns where everybody watches everyone else’s comings and goings, but in most contemporary settings, no one would notice or care.

(This said, let it be noted that I do not advocate any company-keeping that is inappropriate to people who are already married to someone else, and yes, divorced people are regarded by the Church, and thus by Almighty God, as being married. Our Lord gave blessed Peter the power to bind and to loose, with those bindings and loosings being regarded in heaven as on earth. This is an example of that binding and loosing authority.)

 

[Asinner]

I’m in a somewhat similar situation, so I’ll answer how I’ve approached the issue. First of all, I support you in your concern for the situation and that you want to do something about it. It is our business, because we want our parents to be with us in heaven!

What I’ve done is nothing more than casually bring up the topic of annulment in conversation with my catholic parent a couple of times, and gently encouraged him to start the process for one. You have to tread lightly, because it is not the normal course for the child to teach the parent. But just mentioning it every now and then shows you care, and it hopefully orients them in the right direction.

To respond to your anxiety over “what if” an annulment isn’t granted, I say just take things one step at a time. My favorite expression is “we’ll cross that bridge when (if) we get there.”

Finally, the obvious advice that is still worth saying is to pray for both of your parents often. In fact, I should listen to my own advice in that regard.

 

[JoeShlabotnik]

You need to talk to your mother and ask her what she wants.

 

[JJO]

But how can you be divorced inside the Church?

 

[JJO]

A civil divorce does not dissolve a marriage, whether Catholic or non-Catholic.

So morally speaking, my Mum shouldn’t be with someone else

Then the relationship has to remain strictly platonic (which it should be in the first place, the Church presumes validity of one’s existing marriage unless proven otherwise)

Good point

 

[JulianN]

But how can you be divorced inside the Church?

the ‘outside the Church’ was part of the phrase that began, ‘remarried.’

 

[JJO]

Thank you so much @Asinner
I brought it up with my Mum once and she said she thought she wasn’t eligible for one so that left me confused as to whether she could get one. I guess the Church will look at it on a case by case basis.
I’ll keep your parents in my prayers!

 

[JJO]

She wants to stay away from my biological Dad and be with someone that’s not abusive. I support her in that, I just want to see if she can also get an annulment because then she could also marry that person.

 

[Joe_5859]

I thought the divorced couldn’t receive : https://www.ewtn.com/catholicism/library/holy-communion-for-divorced-and-remarried-3054

The “…and remarried” part at the end is a critical distinction.

 

[Usige]

I brought it up with my Mum once and she said she thought she wasn’t eligible for one so that left me confused as to whether she could get one. I guess the Church will look at it on a case by case basis.

Yes, the Church looks at each case on an individual basis. Most people are not well versed in the valid grounds for a declaration of nullity, so unless you mom had specifically spoken to an advocate or canon lawyer it would be hard to say if she had valid grounds to apply or not. The worst case scenario is to seek a declaration and have the tribunal rule that their is no indication of invalidity. She’d be in no worse spot than she is now.

The possibility of a negative declaration is why it is prudent to avoid entering into another romantic relationship while the question remains unresolved. If it’s just a close relationship, then there is no sin involved. The greatest potential is for the sin of scandal if it was well known that she did not have a positive declaration and was holding forth as having a potentially inappropriate relationship. That would be rare these days mainly because thousands of people have declarations that aren’t publically known or people don’t even know if they were married previously.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

A civil divorce does not dissolve a marriage, whether Catholic or non-Catholic.

Yes, that is true, she should not be in any sort of relationship that is incompatible with being married to someone else. Where you draw the line between a close friendship, spending time with one another merely for the sake of companionship, and a deeper friendship that is “leading somewhere”, is hard to say. I would say that displays of physical affection would be a good place to draw the line, but that is not absolute — it is possible to be deeply in love with someone, and to desire to be married to them, without the usual chaste displays of affection that accompany this kind of devotion. In a doubtful case, I recommend consulting a priest. (In our culture, they would probably err on the side of caution.)

 

[JJO]

Whoops. Thanks. @1ke

 

[JJO]

but what if my Mum never remarries yet has the same relations a husband and wife would have?

 

[JJO]

She’d be in no worse spot than she is now.

That is true

Thanks

 

[JJO]

displays of physical affection

Yeah that line has already been crossed

 

[1ke]

but what if my Mum never remarries yet has the same relations a husband and wife would have?

She’s an adult. She knows right and wrong. She’ll be responsible for her own sins like everyone else.

It’s not your business.

 

[JJO]

I know that, I am talking from a moral viewpoint.

 

[HomeschoolDad]

displays of physical affection

Just to clarify, I was referring to brief, chaste kisses and hand-holding. Anything beyond that is proximate danger of unchastity, if not unchastity itself. Even this could be culturally conditioned. Heterosexual men hold hands in some cultures, but not in American culture, where it would be viewed as gay.

 

[JJO]

Alright, thank you

JJO

 

[MNathaniel]

I don’t disagree with any of that. But as of my comment, I had read nothing in the OP’s story that meant we can determine from this distance that his mother categorically is living in a state of sin. For example, it’s hypothetically possible from what was said, that the physical separation (on the grounds of alleged abuse) is appropriate in terms of protecting the mother/child from said abuse, and that the secular fiction of a ‘divorce’ (a thing that obviously doesn’t metaphysically exist, but that state governments support people to symbolically do) was for potentially legitimate reasons under grave circumstances (e.g. again, to protect a child through some legal mechanism which required a civil ‘divorce’). Additionally, the Mom may have a “boyfriend” now, but it’s possible that they are not sexually active, and that they are interested in pursuing an annulment of the Mom’s first marriage due to believing it was invalid for whatever reason(s). Alternately, it is possible that they attend Confession with true contrition in the midst of whatever they’re working through, and are indeed walking with God as much as they can on the way to a good outcome.

Granted, the above scenario might seem implausible… but since the OP’s description of the situation didn’t rule any of it out, I won’t go further than the Church goes in trying to make a declaration of a stranger’s state of grace, and I sincerely encourage the OP to see a trusted priest about how to support his mother at this time (and I hope his mother ultimately does the same).