Annulment difficulties

[forgetmenot]

Hello.

I have to let you all know before I ask for help again that I do go through many threads and offer prayers when asked for, but may not respond in writing.  It is my habit, and I will try to change it because I know that others look for help and need to know others care and offer their prayers.  

My DH of 30 years is in the annulment process, and if you need more history info you might wish to check some of my older posts.  We received a verbal blow several days ago informing us that if he doesn't contact his x to testify at the Tribunal, his chances would be slim.  They sent her many letters, including certified, and she will not respond.  The Tribunal did not have her phone number which DH is going to give them tomorrow after much research on my part on the net.  DH does not wish to speak with her, and hasn't in many years.  

I have several concerns, the first of which is why DH is being asked to make the call.  We don't believe it is his place to do so.  It may get ugly, though I've told him to just tell her it would be helpful to her as well.  DH maintains she will not respond.  

Secondly, is he not supposed to have an Advocate?  Isn't there someone that is supposed to help him in this process, particularly at the Tribunal?  DH had the assistance of someone on the 'outside' of the Tribunal in the Catholic faith (not a layperson), and they worked with DH and advised the written work was all set to go.  This is that person's calling with the Church, rather than having to work directly with parish priests who have enough on their plate and don't have as much experience with the writing aspect.  

Maturity is the biggest issue - although DH was given the impression that maturity wasn't all that important.  I won't get into the details of it all, but our understanding was that this is a defect - is it not?  At a meeting DH was given the impression that maturity was not a good enough reason.  We don't understand. I spoke with one of our witnesses (DH already read their testimonies), and they agree, too, that the explanation is obvious.  

 DH did not practice his faith for many years, including the time when he first got married up through about 4 or 5 years ago that I was able to get him back to attending Church with me.  That actually brings up another question.  When people go through the ropes of a Church wedding, are not practicing their faith, and just want the big ceremony, doesn't the Tribunal see that?  This, too was brought to their attention.  

This may be a stupid question, but do Tribunals go back to their parishes to check attendance and donations and all.  We actually left our original (or should I say my original) parish, I went shopping for a new Church for some time, found one, then my DH started going there with me.  The pastor changed there, and we thought we'd go back to the original which changed pastors (which was why we left), and we are very happy there.  In the interim, our financial circumstances changed considerably, and our donations went up.  I guess my concern is that they may see a history which they are not privy to understanding and may think we upped the ante' for the annulment.  

The whole process has been very secretive.  Are all Tribunals like that?

This has been very difficult for DH to remember what took place 35 years ago.  We have read ever conceivable book on Catholic annulments for guidance in the writing process.  I don't know what else he can remember.  It took nearly a year for him to write what he had, and I don't think there's much left.  We're going to ask them to put the breaks on for more information though it seems he'll be writing more of the same thing, not anything new.  

We are very happy with our Church, and I'm afraid that if the eventual response is a negative DH might just bail out again.  He is upset that the Tribunal can't see the obvious.  An appeal is already in our thinking.  We are extremely overwhelmed by all of this.  This has been a heartache for me since we were back together in our lives (again, see history).  We are only trying to have the Tribunal recognize the truth, and somehow they don't see appear to be seeing it.      

I would appreciate your answers, thoughts and prayers.

forgetmenot

 

[Sheeniac]

Oh my…

When I attended a day long workshop on the annulment process held by the canon lawyer for annulments in our diocese, we were told the fact that the ex does not reply should have no bearing on the process! The tribunal would make several attempts at contact so that the person would definitely have the chance to participate.

Your witnesses should be able to give enough insight into the situation.

And, from what I’ve heard, it’s merely the form that she would have to fill out. She could do that by mail if so desired. The only reason that she would have to come to the diocesan offices is if she wanted to see his written submission. Being it’s a legal process, she would have the right, but would have to come physically to review the documents.

Who gave you this “insight”? I would suggest contacting your diocese or your advocate directly. Non-priests can be advocates if they go through specific training.

I don’t think they care about your history. You could be a prodigal son or daughter. The whole point is not where someone was 5 months ago, but rather where were they when they married, and where are they now.

Immaturity - that’s a tough one to call, and who knows what the Tribunal will use to determine the case…

I will check your history later tonight. Again - I wouldn’t get too upset over informal and what I see as inaccurate communication. I would STRONGLY suggest calling the diocese this week and speak to someone in the Tribunal office for additional clarification about the wife. I would give yourself (and DH) another couple of days to calm yourself from this distressing gossip before you call.

I’ll pray for you!

 

[forgetmenot]

Thank you for your reply.

From all the knowledge that I’ve acquired to this point, it made no sense that DH would be required to make the call, but this is what he was asked to do. Everything we’ve been told and read implies that the Tribunal will make the necessary contacts. She just won’t respond.

DH was never made aware of any advocate, so he is going to ask about one. There’s got to be someone available to help, somewhere.

You read me very well and I do need to calm down. DH is rather calm about it, though this past Thurs when this occurred he was not. It was an extreme shake up to have received a telephone call to my DH and be told in a very blunt, brief, and unfeeling manner that chances would be slim if she doesn’t testify. He couldn’t even get the priest’s name who called.

DH will be calling tomorrow.

In meanwhile, if you or anyone else has any insights, they would be very much appreciated.

Thank your for your reply and prayer.
forgetmenot

p.s. I have never included a prayer with my post, but here goes…


Mother most Pure! Forsake me not, despise not my prayer, graciously hear me for God’s glory, your honor, and the welfare of my soul.

Hail Mary, full of Grace, the Lord is with Thee. Blessed art Thou amongst women, and Blessed is the fruit of they womb, Jesus. Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners, now and at the hour of our death, Amen.

 

[Sheeniac]

The use of the word ‘testify’ is so odd! It’s just a written reply to questions. I wouldn’t worry too much about it - easy advice to give, tough to follow.

Did anyone review the paperwork before he formally submitted it? Typically, that person is the advocate.

For someone - esp a priest - not to give a name is beyond the pale. It almost seems like a nasty prank and not from the Church at all. Pls keep me posted!

 

[ComingHome6]

Forgetmenot - please know that you are in my prayers. I know that the annulment process is not easy…both my husband and I have gone through it. I completely understand the thoughts and feelings you are experiencing. :console:

I just wanted to add that we, too, were told that it’s not necessary for the ex to participate. It’s helpful, but not absolutely necessary and the process will go on with out his/her participation. Please double-check with your local Tribunal.

 

[forgetmenot]

Thank you for your prayers.

It is not looking good. The judge spoke with DH today. The x cannot be reached by telephone by DH. He had told him it would’ve made it better for DH if she cooperated.

DH was told that immaturity is basically not a defect. I don’t get it?

They are still looking for a defect, and we thought he hit it right on.

We did all the research we could.

It has become hopeless.

DH has been given a few more weeks to come up with more information.

Any guidance anyone?
Prayers please.

Oh Lord, why can’t we make them see the truth.
forgetmenot