Annulment due to sexless marriage?

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Puppycat73

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Hi everyone, new to these forums.

A bit of background: I am a cradle Catholic, my husband is Protestant. We were married in the Church and we have two children. We were sexually active before marriage (yes, I know) and I became pregnant with our daughter while we were engaged. We talked before we were married about having at least six children, we both come from small families and wanted a large one, not to mention Church teaching, etc.

On our honeymoon, my husband stopped having sex with me. Completely. No explanation why. Over the 21 years we’ve been married I’ve tried counseling, self help books, doctors, priests, prayer, sacrifice, everything I can think of…He’s just not interested. I feel like I’ve been tricked, because any type of intimacy does not happen…no hugs, kisses, anything, let alone having many children. The only reason we had our second child was because he got drunk at a wedding one night.

I’m 45. My youngest will be turning 18 soon and I am planning on leaving my “husband”. To me, receiving an annulment is important, not because I’m interested in ever getting married again (I won’t) and I’m likely too old to have children now, but because I want validation that this never was a true marriage. I firmly believe I was tricked.

Opinions? Likelihood that I’ll be granted an annulment?

Thanks much
 
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A lot to unpack here.

First, welcome to the forums.

Your pain comes through in your post, and it is heartbreaking.

I will advise you to seek an appointment with your priest.

The Grounds for Annulment are defined in Canon (Church) Law. Here is an article that lists all of them. You will see that in and of itself, while refusing the marital debt may be a serious sin, it does not simply invalidate the exchange of consent.


After the holidays, speak to your priest.

I hope you are seeing a good counselor.
 
Speak to your priest and go one step at a time. I find it very odd that he wouldn’t consummate the marriage and only had relations when drunk one night, particularly when you were active beforehand. That could certainly be an indicator of some sort of impairment.

Sometimes rushing to marry due to pregnancy can impact free consent.

No one here can tell you yes or no on grounds for nullity, but taken as a whole the things you’ve described indicate something is certainly amiss.

I am so sorry you’ve endured this so long, and god bless you for holding it together for your children’s sake as long as you did.
 
I’m surprised you never sought help until now. I’m sure you’ll be asked that, by whoever helps investigate the validity of your marriage.

I’m wondering, just for my own peace of mind…how could he want six kids, be sexually active, then, stop having sex so soon? Something isn’t adding up, here. You certainly don’t have to tell a bunch of anonymous strangers…

But, you did start this thread.
 
I am sorry this is happening to you. You are obedient to God and seems that you did your due diligence for your marriage. I commend you for sticking it out as long as you did. God sees this. You have my support whatever you choose. I wish you the best.
 
Puppycat73 said:
Over the 21 years we’ve been married I’ve tried counseling, self help books, doctors, priests, prayer, sacrifice, everything I can think of…He’s just not interested. I feel like I’ve been tricked, because any type of intimacy does not happen…no hugs, kisses, anything, let alone having many children. The only reason we had our second child was because he got drunk at a wedding one night.
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I know you put forth effort to ‘fix’ the situation, did he ever see doctors or therapists?

It would be speculation on my part, but something isn’t right here since most healthy young men wouldn’t turn down a loving willing partner.

I will pray for you, that you get Justice and and answers.
 
Yes. Reluctantly he’s seen doctors over the years - completely normal results every time.

He refuses to go to individual counseling (he doesn’t feel anything is wrong with him), he has come with me to couples counseling but always drops out after the first session stating he doesn’t like the counselor. I’ve tried many different ones but I get the same response from him each time. So I suggested he find one himself, but he hasn’t and isn’t even looking. I tried to get him to go to Retrouvaille, nope. He allowed me to sign us up for a marriage course at our church but dropped out after the second class. I’ve talked about the problem until I’m blue in the face, he just shrugs.

I go to counseling for myself though and that has been helpful to me since I’ve developed significant depression due to this whole thing. I appreciate your prayers.
 
Please excuse me for being direct: Have you found evidence of Porn (there are many different formats) in his life?

Also, you may, because you are his Wife, (for the sake of argument until you know you if are indeed not married) have the authority to pray for him and over him. (We have a certain amount of authority over our spouses.) A Binding prayer may make trouble for any 'sinful influences that may be keeping him from therapy or taking this seriously. Some of those influences may be ungodly friends/associates. Our
vocation as a spouse is to help our partner make it to heaven. If he is indeed declared not your lawful spouse, then your prayers are a true charity.

I would, and have, had mass intentions for not only my family members and friends, but for people who have caused me heartache. The highest form of Charity. Consider gifting him a Mass.
 
Thank you, I will do that! I bear him no ill will or anger anymore, just sadness. I will have a Mass (or several) offered for him. Being Protestant he is not a fan of laying on of hands but I do pray for him all the time, not just for our situation but in general. I will add negative influences, etc to my prayers and novenas.

I am confident there is no porn use. I suspect he is asexual.

Again, thank you!!
 
1ke said:
Sometimes rushing to marry due to pregnancy can impact free consent.
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@Puppycat73, as 1ke says, this is probably the only angle you might have for an annulment. I don’t believe any of us on the thread are qualified to give you advice on annulments. It is a complex process. You definitely need to seek assistance from your priest. Some parishes, like mine, has an entire ministry devoted to annulments. If your parish has one, they might also be able to answer your questions.
 
1ke said:
The OP should lay out the entire situation with her pastor.
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Agreed, especially since different Diocese handle annulments slightly differently. From firsthand experience of having to go through two Diocese for the same annulment (long, convoluted story), I know that this happens.
 
It’s hard to believe that none of the priests, doctors, counselors and self-help books you consulted pointed you in the direction of getting an annulment long ago! You are obviously sad, and have been sad for a long time! Well, see your pastor about your options, now. I’m far from being an expert, but it’s hard to see any way out except for annulment.

Wishing you the best in getting your life back. God Bless!
 
I believe your husband is involved in porn. It is a silent hidden thing and causes this kind of reaction. Also, it sounds like he never intended to indulge in a real marriage. You have plenty of grounds for a marriage. His motivations are different from yours, which were genuine. Get out of it. I would call the archdiocese and speak to them about it. It looks valid to me. I’ve had similar issues in my own marriage.
 
If the pregnancy led to you getting married, then it is grounds for an annulment. I don’t know anyone who was pregnant before marriage who couldn’t get an annulment.
 
bmaz said:
If the pregnancy led to you getting married, then it is grounds for an annulment.
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Not necessarily. Maybe.

It depends on whether the marriage took place because of the pregnancy, or if it were rushed or moved up, and whether there were grounds under canon 1103. The OP indicates they were already engaged, so depending on the timeline and circumstances it may or may not have resulted in a canonical impediment of force or fear (canon 1103).
bmaz said:
I don’t know anyone who was pregnant before marriage who couldn’t get an annulment.
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I would suggest we refrain from such pronouncements. Anecdotal evidence doesn’t mean much here— cases are judged on their own merits, not what someone else may have experienced or heard.
 
We were already engaged but weren’t planning on getting married for a year. When we discovered the pregnancy, we moved it up and got married within three months. I remember having my doubts about marrying him before the wedding but I figured it was just pregnancy hormones. I remember crying in the shower a week before the wedding. My parents told me I didn’t have to marry him but I felt I had to because a child needed two parents, I wouldn’t have been able to provide properly and I did love my then fiance. Now, I can’t help but think if I had waited a year I probably would have ended calling off the wedding, but maybe not.

I can’t speak to his frame of mind.
 
I am so sorry you’re going through this. I do suggest you lay out these details when you talk to your pastor, as they could certainly indicate concerns under canon 1103.
 
bmaz said:
I don’t know anyone who was pregnant before marriage who couldn’t get an annulment.
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I have heard this is the case. I know people who got married due to a pregnancy and have been happily married for decades. It always seems quite insulting to them to say the Church would automatically consider their marriage invalid. I understand that a pregnancy can cause a level of duress, but lots of things can. That does not mean that a couple cannot make a free decision to get married in that circumstance.

Our diocese has a policy that prohibits a marriage if the woman is pregnant. This too, I think is overreach. I certainly believe that a pastor should spend time with the couple making sure it is a free decision, but to categorically deny marriage is wrong (or even to force a postponement for 18 months).
 
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