Annulment due to verbal, emotional, and past physical abuse

[Tracyms1974]

Hey everybody.

  I was wondering if anyone here was able to get an annullment pretty easily due to abuse by your spouse.  My husband is abusive to me, esp. verbally and emotionally.  He has already found somebody else that he tell me he wants to marry as soon as we are divorced.  He talks to her *while me and my daughter are home* and he LOOKS for stuff to yell at me about.  

  I am no angel.  You can look up my past posts and see that, but I am receiving free counseling because his behavior has been deemed abusive by a professional.  It looks to me that even if a marriage was a valid one, the abuse would somehow invalidate the marriage after the fact.  No one deserves abuse and mistreatment from anyone.

  I am having to move out of my own home because my husband refuses to change his ways and he also refuses to leave.  I will not hear his insults and his nasty tone of voice not one more day.  I am afraid, however, that the tribunal (is that the word?) who hears my case after the divorce will be some ultra-traditional no-excuses sort of people who will not have any sympathy for me.  It's not fair to give your life to somebody only to find that you HAVE to leave for your own well-being and sanity and then after that to be told you are doomed forever to be alone and celibate.  This does not sound like justice to me.

  Anyway, what do y'all know about obtaining an annullment after a divorce due to abuse and mistreatment?

Tracy

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

It looks to me that even if a marriage was a valid one, the abuse would somehow invalidate the marriage after the fact. No one deserves abuse and mistreatment from anyone.

**First of all, i am sorry you are going through this. And I am doubly sorry that this ugliness is being visited on your daughter

But “annulments” are not something that can be “done”. The term is actually a decree of nullity and it’s sole purpose is to determine if a marriage was contracted validly. If a marriage is valid, NOTHING can undo that…not abuse, neglect, affairs, addictions, handicaps, comas…nothing. God is very clear that marriage is forever, 'til death do you part.

You need to speak with someone in the Church who deals with these types of situations. It is still possible that the marriage was never valid in the first place…but if it was then he is your husband for the rest of your life (or his).

that doesn’t mean that you can’t legally divorce and protect yourself and your daughter.
**

 

[Christy_Beth]

About a year after I became Catholic, I applied for an annulment. I had to fill out a form, basically telling what went on in the marriage. But other people had to fill out the same form. Even my ex. We had been divorced for over ten years by then. About a year after starting the process, I got my annulment. Basically, it was not only based on his verbal, mental and emotional abuse, but also for the reason that he never considered himself married. I was married, he wasn’t. Very immature, really.

Go ahead and talk with someone at your church. Someone from the office would probably know who takes care of that sort of thing, and could refer you. You have my prayers.

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

About a year after I became Catholic, I applied for an annulment. I had to fill out a form, basically telling what went on in the marriage. But other people had to fill out the same form. Even my ex. We had been divorced for over ten years by then. About a year after starting the process, I got my annulment. Basically, it was not only based on his verbal, mental and emotional abuse, but also for the reason that he never considered himself married. I was married, he wasn’t. Very immature, really.

It could not have been based on his treatment of you unless that was a direct result of him not considering himself married (which was most likely the case). But remove that part of the equation and all of the abuse in the world won’t make a valid marriage null.

**But with the behavior of the OPs husband it is likely that he does not view marriage in the way he should and may not have from day one. Hopefully that is the case.
**

 

[kage_ar]

Prayers for you. I hope you have found good counseling and legal support.

As explained, the Church does not “give annulments”, “annul marriages” and one does not “apply for an annulment”. These common mistakes in phrases lead people to think that a marriage can be valid one moment and invalid the next. That is not so. A valid marriage is valid until death.

One asks the Church to review a marriage to determine vaildity. If the marriage is determined to have not been valid, the Church issues a Decree of Nullity - this says the marriage never took place, it was null.

After divorce, speak with your Priest about beginning the process to have the vaidity of the marriage investigated. Your Priest will guide you through the process.

 

[KCtheMommy]

Why are you going on “what ifs?” Even ultra-conservative tribunals see what is what.

You sound very negative and albeit you have a right to be, but we can’t commiserate on your “what-ifs.”

Just do what you need to and face the tribunal, either way come back and update us.

Don’t attack the church before the church has even “let you down.”

Maybe there is more to this than what you are saying.

 

[Tracyms1974]

I don’t care how “valid” a marriage is. Abuse should be a dealbreaker, and it is clear that I have asked the wrong people here. Your sympathy is underwhelming to non-existent. My husband and I took the necessary steps to make sure all our ducks where in a row as far as the actual ceremony is concerned. Yes, we were married in the Catholic Church. Chances are, they will find that it was a valid ceremony and i will be alone and miserable forever. He will marry again and “live in adultery” but he will not care. Me, however, the one who actually would care whether or not I commit mortal sin on a regular basis will be the one who is punished until death for picking the wrong guy. Thanks a lot.

Tracy

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t care how “valid” a marriage is. Abuse should be a dealbreaker, and it is clear that I have asked the wrong people here. Your sympathy is underwhelming to non-existent. My husband and I took the necessary steps to make sure all our ducks where in a row as far as the actual ceremony is concerned. Yes, we were married in the Catholic Church. Chances are, they will find that it was a valid ceremony and i will be alone and miserable forever. He will marry again and “live in adultery” but he will not care. Me, however, the one who actually would care whether or not I commit mortal sin on a regular basis will be the one who is punished until death for picking the wrong guy. Thanks a lot.

Tracy

**Look, you have every right to be bitter and angry. But at HIM. He is the one who betrayed you. He is the one who has not taken his vows seriously. He sounds like a real loser. You are right to be angry that he is leaving you in this type of situation. But, one question, when you said your vows…did you mean them?

If you did, then once you can get past the anger you have to see that you cannot now “unmake” them. Whether or not he keeps his end of the deal does not relieve you of your promise. You not only made a promise to him, but to God. God has joined you two together (IF your marriage is valid) and you cannot undo that.

But why don’t you just take things one step at a time? First, find out if your marriage was valid. If it wasn’t, all of this anger and resentment towards the Church/God is for nothing. If it is valid, you have a lot of healing to do. I pray that no matter what happens next, you don’t push God away. He will be there for you no matter what…but only if you let Him.
**

 

[agapewolf]

Jesus died on the Cross. That wasn’t “fair”.

alone does not equal miserable.

If your marriage is valid, then abuse cannot undo it. It is then the “sickness” that you vowed for. That doesn’t mean you have to stay to be abused, but that means you are vowed to being “faithful”.

I have several friends who their spouses cheated on them. They are divorced, but they aren’t seeking annulments. They are honoring their vows to their “valid” spouses and living as a single person. It is very possible with God’s grace.

I am single and I am not “miserable” and I don’t view being single as a “punishment” either.

 

[LilyM]

I don’t care how “valid” a marriage is. Abuse should be a dealbreaker, and it is clear that I have asked the wrong people here. Your sympathy is underwhelming to non-existent. My husband and I took the necessary steps to make sure all our ducks where in a row as far as the actual ceremony is concerned. Yes, we were married in the Catholic Church. Chances are, they will find that it was a valid ceremony and i will be alone and miserable forever. He will marry again and “live in adultery” but he will not care. Me, however, the one who actually would care whether or not I commit mortal sin on a regular basis will be the one who is punished until death for picking the wrong guy. Thanks a lot.

Tracy

You mean the paperwork was done and you both said the right things? That doesn’t matter - what matters is what was in your hearts on that day, not what you signed or what you said. Again, you’re assuming the worst here, assuming you wouldn’t get an annulment, and not even giving the Church a chance to do anything, good or bad! Have you even talked to a priest or canon lawyer about your situation?

As for ‘punishment’ - marriage is lifelong, simple as that. Richer and poorer, sickness and health, better and worse. Some of the posters here have been through horrendous abuse in their marriages and with God’s help either worked and successfully repaired the marriage or separated while obeying His commandment not to sunder what He has joined.

What if you’d picked a man who got hit by a car five months after your wedding and was a vegetable the rest of his (and your) life? Would you consider that a punishment as well?

Or would you maybe, as plenty of spouses do, take the ‘for worse, in sickness, for poorer’ part of your vows seriously and, with God’s help (remember there are THREE parties to your marriage - and you made vows to your God, who is the one who joined you together, as well as to your husband) stick by him?

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

I don’t care how “valid” a marriage is. Abuse should be a dealbreaker, and it is clear that I have asked the wrong people here.
Tracy

**And yes, if you wanted to find a bunch of people who would smother you with “of course that is so unfair, forget the Church and the vows you made” then an orthodox Catholic message board was the wrong place to come.

But if you want suggestions, advice, and comfort based on TRUTH, then we are all here for you. My prayers are with you as I am sure are many others. Peace.
**

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

I don’t care how “valid” a marriage is. Abuse should be a dealbreaker, and it is clear that I have asked the wrong people here. Your sympathy is underwhelming to non-existent. My husband and I took the necessary steps to make sure all our ducks where in a row as far as the actual ceremony is concerned. Yes, we were married in the Catholic Church. Chances are, they will find that it was a valid ceremony and i will be alone and miserable forever. He will marry again and “live in adultery” but he will not care. Me, however, the one who actually would care whether or not I commit mortal sin on a regular basis will be the one who is punished until death for picking the wrong guy. Thanks a lot.

Tracy

You are clearly not in a good place right now, my dear. I am going to tell you about my decree of nullity.

I civilly married a guy when I was 20 years old and very pigheaded. He was only physically abusive a couple of times, but boy could he play mind games like nobody’s business! He had me believing I was the worst person on earth, that I could do nothing right, and I was an idiot to boot. I compounded the mess by having the marriage convladidaed. His one-night stands called me on the phone to tell me of his behaviors. He stayed in the Navy when I got out. I couldn’t drive, and he got confined to base for stealing out of the coffee mess fund and showing up late to second shift duty for two weeks. After four moves to four different cities, he not only decided he needed a divorce, but that I should baby-sit for his girlfriend’s kids while they went out. She showed up with them, as he told her I was his sister and had agreed to watch them.

That was the deal breaker. I got a divorce.

When I applied for a decree of nullity in Houston, the religious sister who took my application was nasty, just plain rude. I decided to heck with it, and that ALL tribunals would turn out this way. I have to admit, I was a very angry person, and rightfully so (as you have a right to be angry).

Down the road, I took charge of my life. I met a nice guy about 6 years after my divorce, who was also Catholic. And I started the decree of nullity process in another diocese. It was one of the best experiences I’ve had in regards to my former marriage, even better than collecting back child support (and that is a big-time thrill, let me tell you).

You are at a stage right now where you hurt, and rightfully so. You are married to the King of Jerks, as was I. You are going to have to leave your home because somehow you can’t get him kicked out by law or move him out. Your baby girl has to put up with a father who is a bully and a jerk. Life today is a big fat zippo, even into negative numbers. And it’s not going to get easier tomorrow, or the next day. And you want to be so done with the King of Jerks.

Hold off on that decree of nullity, the annulment. Just get yourself situated, and your daughter situated. Get you life working for you and for her again. Worry about the divorce, and getting the best possible attorney you can find to help you with this. You will need one. God bless good, caring divorce and family law attorneys, they were worth their weight in gold. And go talk with a priest. If you’re right, your complaints will be legitmate. If you’re wrong, you could find a very strong ally.

For now, look at this link. It should calm you down a bit:
http://dioceseofbrooklyn.org/ministries/tribunal/myths/

You don’t know the annulment process. You are simply assuming you know that you are going to get the raw end of the deal, because right now, civilly, you are very much getting the raw end of the deal. You assume because you meant what you said when you vowed yourself to this guy, that he meant what he said. I don’t think so.

My ex didn’t even bother to return the documents. He sent a rather arrogant letter that he was no longer Catholic and he declined to participate. I received a decree of nullity anyway. It was obvious from the people who knew us who participated as witnesses that we were never meant to be together. And it was obvious to the people at the tribunal.

When you can breathe again (and that day will come), go look at these links and then think about an annulment:
dioceseoflincoln.org/purple/divorce/index.htm

http://www.archchicago.org/departments/tribunal/faq.shtm

http://www.stvincentcatholicchurch.org/index.cfm?MenuItemID=477&MenuGroup=Home

http://www.portlanddiocese.net/info.php?info_id=87

http://www.archomaha.com/Pastoral/Tribunal/pdf/AnnulPamColoredsinglepage.pdf

When you’re finished, at that point, pat yourself on the back. You will have come a very long way in your life. And you will be ready to deal with the annulment.

 

[dixieagle]

Prayers for you. I hope you have found good counseling and legal support.

As explained, the Church does not “give annulments”, “annul marriages” and one does not “apply for an annulment”. These common mistakes in phrases lead people to think that a marriage can be valid one moment and invalid the next. That is not so. A valid marriage is valid until death.

One asks the Church to review a marriage to determine vaildity. If the marriage is determined to have not been valid, the Church issues a Decree of Nullity - this says the marriage never took place, it was null.

After divorce, speak with your Priest about beginning the process to have the vaidity of the marriage investigated. Your Priest will guide you through the process.

OP - this is excellent advice.

It is entirely possible that your husband was not psychologically mature enough to enter a valid marriage, or suffers from some psychological disorder that would mean he was incapable of contracting a valid marriage. (Did he exhibit any signs that me might be an abuser, prior to the marriage? Has he always been controlling, etc.?)

It is also possible that the tribunal might find that YOU weren’t capable of entering a valid Catholic marriage, either! (Did you truly intend “all the days of my life”?)

Follow the process through and don’t jump to conclusions. I’ll say a prayer that you are at peace, whatever happens.

 

[Tracyms1974]

Hey, people.

  For all of you who said I shouldn't jump to conclusions, you're right.  I should not and I am, I suppose.  For all of you who somehow think that if the tribunal does not rule in my favor that I can somehow have a happy and productive life without the possibility of another marriage, I say you're crazy.  If I got that kind of news, I would join a convent because I couldn't stand it.  The only other way I could see myself happy and single is if I was in the FBI or some other job that took up all my time so that I wouldn't realize that there is no man in my life and there NEVER WILL BE AGAIN.  I suppose being a nun or a sister would be similar.  It's a job that takes up so much of your time.....like i just said.  Plus you've got that whole serving the Lord thing.  It's just how I feel.  I'm not alone either, i'm sure.

Tracy

 

[Tracyms1974]

What if you’d picked a man who got hit by a car five months after your wedding and was a vegetable the rest of his (and your) life? Would you consider that a punishment as well?

Or would you maybe, as plenty of spouses do, take the ‘for worse, in sickness, for poorer’ part of your vows seriously and, with God’s help (remember there are THREE parties to your marriage - and you made vows to your God, who is the one who joined you together, as well as to your husband) stick by him?

The whole vegetable thing - yes I would unequivocally consider this God’s punishment. I would assume if something that awful happened to me that I must have done something so awful in this life that I deserve some kind of punishment to (?) lessen my time in Purgatory (?) or whatever reason God has for punishing me. Being married to a vegetable would be punishment in my book without a doubt. to me, that’s like not even being married.

I have tried all kinds of counseling, therapy, suggested retroville with my husband. he has mentally and physically checked out of this marriage. he refuses to have relations with me anymore because of his new girlfriend and just generally because he does not love me anymore. I am not sticking by somebody who does not want to do the work to make it work. He refuses to go to any counseling with me or anything. you can lead a horse to water…

Tracy

 

[Feanaro_s_Wife]

The whole vegetable thing - yes I would unequivocally consider this God’s punishment. I would assume if something that awful happened to me that I must have done something so awful in this life that I deserve some kind of punishment to (?) lessen my time in Purgatory (?) or whatever reason God has for punishing me. Being married to a vegetable would be punishment in my book without a doubt. to me, that’s like not even being married.

I have tried all kinds of counseling, therapy, suggested retroville with my husband. he has mentally and physically checked out of this marriage. he refuses to have relations with me anymore because of his new girlfriend and just generally because he does not love me anymore. I am not sticking by somebody who does not want to do the work to make it work. He refuses to go to any counseling with me or anything. you can lead a horse to water…

Tracy

You sounds really down, angry, and something else…but your words just scream “help me!!!”. Considering being married to a man who was turned into a “vegetable” as a punishment on you is just not right in any sense. It is a very warped view on life, love, and God. I truly pray you can get some help to sort out all of this stuff. Your daughter needs her mom. WAY more than her mom needs a man.

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Today it seems like the whole world is ganging up on you, and out to make your life miserable.

Tell ya what- Next year at this time, do a check on your life. I think you’ll find it’s better. And then in two years. And then in five years. And then in 10 years.

I’ve had my decree of nullity 20 years this month (woo-hoo!). I’ve been divorced from my ex for 25 years. I encountered my ex online recently. I can’t believe what big blowhard, windbag he is. And he’s fat and balding and thinks he’s somehow Mr. Wonderful because he’s riding around on a Harley!!! And from his profile, he doesn’t sound as if he is too nice to Wife #4.

Cut yourself some slack, take one day at a time, and oh- avoid listening to “Before He Cheats” by Carrie Underwood (too many vengeful ideas that’ll get you in trouble but not him).

 

[agapewolf]

The whole vegetable thing - yes I would unequivocally consider this God’s punishment. I would assume if something that awful happened to me that I must have done something so awful in this life that I deserve some kind of punishment to (?) lessen my time in Purgatory (?) or whatever reason God has for punishing me. Being married to a vegetable would be punishment in my book without a doubt. to me, that’s like not even being married.

I have tried all kinds of counseling, therapy, suggested retroville with my husband. he has mentally and physically checked out of this marriage. he refuses to have relations with me anymore because of his new girlfriend and just generally because he does not love me anymore. I am not sticking by somebody who does not want to do the work to make it work. He refuses to go to any counseling with me or anything. you can lead a horse to water…

Tracy

It seems like you don’t even know what marriage is. Like not even being married? What do you think you vow to in “sickness”? It isn’t just a cold…its ALL sickness.

We are not saying you should stay with this guy. We are saying that you will not be able to marry someone else if your marriage is considered valid.

Your value is NOT based on having a spouse.

 

[ajcoley1]

Hey everybody.

  I was wondering if anyone here was able to get an annullment pretty easily due to abuse by your spouse.  My husband is abusive to me, esp. verbally and emotionally.  He has already found somebody else that he tell me he wants to marry as soon as we are divorced.  He talks to her *while me and my daughter are home* and he LOOKS for stuff to yell at me about.  

  I am no angel.  You can look up my past posts and see that, but I am receiving free counseling because his behavior has been deemed abusive by a professional.  It looks to me that even if a marriage was a valid one, the abuse would somehow invalidate the marriage after the fact.  No one deserves abuse and mistreatment from anyone.

  I am having to move out of my own home because my husband refuses to change his ways and he also refuses to leave.  I will not hear his insults and his nasty tone of voice not one more day.  I am afraid, however, that the tribunal (is that the word?) who hears my case after the divorce will be some ultra-traditional no-excuses sort of people who will not have any sympathy for me.  It's not fair to give your life to somebody only to find that you HAVE to leave for your own well-being and sanity and then after that to be told you are doomed forever to be alone and celibate.  This does not sound like justice to me.

  Anyway, what do y'all know about obtaining an annullment after a divorce due to abuse and mistreatment?

Tracy

OK all yuour visits to your counsellor will be helpful. Having just been thru the process & having the decre of nullility granted was way better than just the divorce. IF THERE IS ABUSE IT IS NOT A MARRIAGE. If the tribunal asks, give them permission to get the info from your counselling sessions. This is taken very seriously. Any time abuse was documented, thru police or even a personal journal, that helps. And, don’t bother seeking a decree of invalidity until you have the final divorce papers in your hand-they may help too. In my case, my verbally abusive ex was a jerk in the courtroom & it was documented. And going thru the divorce I think prepared me for the annulment process. And pray. Alot. Pray for the strength to find peace again. Be the best mom you can for your daughter first.
I tend to write my thougts out in circles, sorry. I will pray for you.

 

[LilyM]

The whole vegetable thing - yes I would unequivocally consider this God’s punishment. I would assume if something that awful happened to me that I must have done something so awful in this life that I deserve some kind of punishment to (?) lessen my time in Purgatory (?) or whatever reason God has for punishing me. Being married to a vegetable would be punishment in my book without a doubt. to me, that’s like not even being married.

Whoah! So of course it’s all about God PUNISHING you because you were bad. Can’t possibly mean anything else. So tell me, what did Christ do that was so awful that He was punished for when He was crucified?

It could not possibly be that God is trying to teach you that your quality of life does NOT depend on having a man, of course not. Trust me, about 10 years ago I was mentally where you are now, though unmarried. I wouldn’t have been able to fathom not having male company, would’ve felt that life wasn’t worthwhile without it.

I had a HUGE slap upside the head from God about that - and learned one important lesson. Trust me, if you’re not happy to be on your own you are never going to be honestly happy in a relationship either.

And so it’s been ten years of celibacy for me now. Let me reassure you, the sky hasn’t caved in, far from it the world has expanded beyond my wildest dreams. I’m not missing out on anything - and I can’t describe the joy and peace of finally learning to not rely on other people, who are as fickle as I am, for my happiness, but instead on God who never lets me down.