Annulment process strangling me

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PositiveOne

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I’m not sure if I should even be writing this to you or not. I will talk to the priest at confession about it this Saturday. But, I’m having a really hard time with the annulment process. Due to the Diocese move, my case is still on hold, waiting for another 3-4 months before it will be processed by a judge. I’m feeling so strangled by the process. My divorce was final in 2011, and I have not wanted to date. It did take me a long time to complete the paperwork and I found it very cathartic. I continue to pray for discernment and the strength to carry out God’s Will for my life. Actually, I have not wanted to date in the last 4.5 years since the break up of our marriage. I have been content to provide for my children and explore my own growth, spiritually.

Recently (last few months), I have been longing more and more for a relationship. I have wanted more lately to date and find a life partner. I feel that I’ve got it on my heart to be in a family and not single, and have such a loss that I cannot explain. In the past over the last couple years, I have filled it with food, and then wine, but for the last year I have been sober. And I am getting more physically fit as well. This leads me to realizing the truth, which is that I’m longing for a marriage relationship and I fear greatly that the annulment may not go through and the waiting is killing me.

I know I must remain patient. But I am beginning to feel resentful that my ex is living with the girlfriend he left his family for all these past 4.5 years without concern, and I, the responsible custodial and lonely parent is left to suffer all for going through the proper channels required by the church. I am having a hard time with this frankly.

Thank you for any insight you can provide…
 
I can relate to your struggle. It is SO hard. I am in the middle of my annulment process, and feel ready to date again, too. I have this little picture of The Sacred Heart of Jesus, and sometimes, I just sit next to it and look at it and it makes me feel better. It’s sort of a cheesy picture of Him, with combed hair–you know the ones, but He looks so sweet and it fills my heart. A friend of the family had a near death experience. She said that Jesus actually came to her and she could feel His heart radiating so strong, and now that is all she can talk about. He only had gentle and loving words for her, telling her she was like a frightened little lamb. 🙂 (Isn’t that so sweet?)

Sometimes I feel angry and trapped, too. I was going to start a thread on here, and I hope I don’t hijack yours, but I saw yours and thought that I could add to it. As far as remarriage, I have many young children, my youngest will be three. I know that much of the hold-up is my mom. She still hasn’t submitted her testimony and it’s been 6 months. I know she wants me to wait, and she has good reasons for me to wait, but it still makes me angry. My sis-in-law was explaining to me yesterday that my bro thinks that the idea of me dating is abhorrent, would be the worst thing for the kids. I respect my brother greatly and am afraid he is right. I understand the statistics on remarriage and blended families, but I would love to marry a good man eventually. It is definitely a struggle.
 
I went through the same thing. Pray to St. Joseph and be patient. God will take care of you.
 
In a weird way, I think your frustration is part of the divine plan. Think of it this way… your frustration in waiting is proving that you are ready to date again.

I’m going to generalize here, but I think way too often, some divorced people try dating or new relationships when they are not really ready. Getting divorced is tramatic. Even the “smoothest” ones.

I think waiting for the annulment process to complete grants you the time to heal and feel/hear God’s calling for your next chapter (either remarriage, single life, religious life, etc)

Good luck and God Bless!
 
I too very much agree that many people rush in to the next relationship way too soon (my ex was still married!), and feel that the annulment process has been a blessing of sorts. Especially as a person who went through RCIA 2 years after a civil marriage, and wanted to convert apart from the marriage. I fully see how there was a defect in our marriage from the get go. I will never make the same mistake again, and pray every day for God’s will in my life.

I know that if I marry again, it will be a fully sacramental marriage the way God intended. Nothing short of that will do for me now. I’m only feeling a bit frustrated since I’m now becoming more ready to move forward and the process is sooo slow. I actually think the process would have been faster but there are hoops, and gate-keepers who are content to hold things up and have less than noble intentions sometimes. In any case, it’s all in God’s hands. I’m praying for patience.

I definitely do not want to do anything out of turn, and have been and will remain to be a positive role model for my children. They come first. Period.
 
I think the anger at the ex is justified, but we have to be careful not to dwell on the resentment. I have really had to work on this, too. I’ve tried to devote the suffering and loneliness he has caused me to be used as reparation for his conversion. I once loved my husband, hence the hurt and suffering, but now I am trying to use that hurt as a way to love him in a different, unattached way.
 
faithsmind said:
I think the anger at the ex is justified, but we have to be careful not to dwell on the resentment. I have really had to work on this, too. I’ve tried to devote the suffering and loneliness he has caused me to be used as reparation for his conversion. I once loved my husband, hence the hurt and suffering, but now I am trying to use that hurt as a way to love him in a different, unattached way.
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You are right. As far as my relationship goes I have moved towards that end. But, as far as co-parenting (or his lack of parenting in our case), I have NO respect for him and his kids are suffering from his lack of commitment and frequent cancellations. So, I continue to pray for him, and will let God work all that out. Sad for my kids.
 
That is terribly sad. I think your kids will eventually see him for who he is, since it is a very clear situation, even though hurtful. It will be a very clear lesson that will allow them to grow in goodness because they have your example of love and devotion and have experienced the horror of sin. But I am so sorry…
 
An annulment process could take up to 2 to 4 years depending on your paperwork. There are annulments process that finalized from Rome, and sometimes denying the separation. It is very unfortunate that we go throug this hardship, but on the other hand, our Catholic Church has resoruces to support us and remind us that the journety to Calvery was not an easy task.
I beleive the Church enforce the 6 months prepartion for our wedding to ensure that nothing come between the man and the woman, except death. There are exception situations and we need to pray for those who suffer these circumstances.
 
My husband went through the annulment process after his ex-wife left him. I know it just about drove him nuts, too. We were advised by our pastor to get civilly married, mainly because he knew as well as we did that this was a slam-dunk case. (My husband’s ex told him after they separated that she viewed marriage as common-law with ceremonial benefits, that the vows she took were just symbolic and didn’t really mean anything, and if she wasn’t happy she was free to walk away. She told one of my husband’s witnesses that she had said this.) Unfortunately, it took about 15 months for the declaration of nullity to go through, and a few more months before we could get our marriage convalidated (mostly due to circumstances; the declaration of nullity was received during the summer). So we couldn’t go to Confession or Communion for 17 months. It was very hard on both of us, particularly on my husband.

I must confess, the primary reason that we decided to get civilly married was that we knew, based on where our relationship was going, that either I’d be my husband’s legal wife or his common-law wife within a few months. We also knew that it was pretty much guaranteed that he’d receive a declaration of nullity - there was clear evidence that the marriage was never valid. (It wasn’t just the statements his ex had made; there was the fact that their relationship had already deteriorated before they got married and they only got married because she was pregnant with my stepdaughter. My husband wanted to do the honorable thing and be around for his kid, which was only possible if he immigrated on the family class (he was from England), which was only possible if he married the mother of his child. Ergo, lack of valid consent.) We both figured that even if the Church didn’t recognize our marriage, at least we had indicated that we were committed to each other. We honoured our civil vows in the same way we honour our Catholic vows today. We had our marriage convalidated almost a year ago, in a beautiful ceremony in the same church where my husband was baptized! (He is an adult convert; I am a cradle Catholic.) Know that although it’s hard, there IS light at the end of the tunnel. I will pray for you.
 
PositiveOne said:
… I have been content to provide for my children and explore my own growth, spiritually.

Recently (last few months), I have been longing more and more for a relationship. I have wanted more lately to date and find a life partner. I feel that I’ve got it on my heart to be in a family and not single, and have such a loss that I cannot explain. In the past over the last couple years, I have filled it with food, and then wine, but for the last year I have been sober. And I am getting more physically fit as well. This leads me to realizing the truth, which is that I’m longing for a marriage relationship and I fear greatly that the annulment may not go through and the waiting is killing me.

I know I must remain patient. But I am beginning to feel resentful that my ex is living with the girlfriend he left his family for all these past 4.5 years without concern, and I, the responsible custodial and lonely parent is left to suffer all for going through the proper channels required by the church. I am having a hard time with this frankly.

Thank you for any insight you can provide…
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My condolences on the break-up of your marriage. My congratulations on your sobriety. And my prayers for your situation.

I have just a few insights to share from my perspective. You mention you have a longing to be in a family, and that statement really struck me.

If your annulment doesn’t go through, then what the Church is saying is that you* are* in a sacramental marriage. And until an annulment goes through, that is presumed.

In addition, you mention children, so I will point out that you* do* have a family; it’s just that your family is not completely together since your husband walked out on it. My husband hasn’t walked out, and I have both children at home and grown children. Yet I understand the longing for family. It’s been a long time since my family was together here on earth. The anniversary of my father’s death approaches. My mother passed away before shortly before my father. We can’t simply replace the lost members of our family with other humans–it doesn’t work that way.

Regardless of how the tribunal decides, regardless of if you are permitted to marry again or not, this world will not satisfy your longing for family. One of the saints said there is a God shaped hole in every heart. Our longing for family may be temporarily satisfied here on earth, but ultimately only God can fill it.
 
PositiveOne,

I understand so much of what you have related. Over three years ago my wife told me she was considering leaving me, over two years ago she moved out on me and our three kids, our divorce will be final next month and then I will begin the annulment process. The journey to this point has been a long and difficult, but God keeps showing His wisdom and each time I think I am too weak, God renews my strength.

I feel those longings for family, those pangs of loneliness, those flares of anger when I hear about my wife and whichever boyfriend she happens to be with at the time… And, in every case, the Holy Spirit guides me to recognizing the truth behind what I am thinking and feeling.

I have three great kids that are nearly always with me, yet, I feel lonely or long for family, how is that possible? It’s not loneliness I’m missing, nor is it family. It’s one person to hold me, to support me, to be there for me, to totally share my life that is missing. Or, more accurately, that I feel is missing… But, that’s a lie the enemy convinces me of, it is not the truth.

The truth is that for the better part of 19 years, God approached me through my wife. He loved me, cared for me, supported me, and shared Himself with me through her. But, she made the decision to not allow God to work through her to love me.

But, did God stop showering me in that same love? Has He stopped supporting me? Has he abandoned me? Does He no longer wish to share in my life?

Of course not!

Many people question why I allowed the situation with my wife to drag out so long, they think I should have forced the issue of divorce right when I caught her cheating prior to moving out, or immediately when she moved out, or shortly thereafter. But, every choice I made was made after prayerful discernment, following God’s will. Of course, my early hopes were that following God’s will would result in me getting exactly what I wanted at that time, my wife and I reconciling and healing and restoring our marriage. But, that wasn’t God’s plan. God’s plan was bigger.

He planned to draw me closer to Him. And to draw my children closer to Him. His plan isn’t focused on temporal happiness or pleasure or answering our fleeting desires. It’s focused on eternal joy and leading into the deepest of relationships with Him.

There are days when I find myself slipping backwards, hearing, maybe even listening to the lies of the world and the enemy. I sometimes struggle to pray and to accept those sufferings so that I can offer them up with Jesus on the cross, for my children, for others similarly hurt and suffering, for those in need, for suffering, sick friends and family, for those that don’t know Christ… But, when I consider the blessings God has given me because I have allowed Him to work in me and through me, then use those recalled consolations to motivate me again accept and cooperate with His will, He leads me out of the darkness, He distracts me from my desire and replaces it with His.

He has allowed the annulment process to go on this long for a reason. He allows you to feel those longings and desires for family, for love, for companionship to lead you closer to Him. Trust in His love, His mercy, His healing. It is painful at times, but there is truth in the adage, “No pain, no gain”. The cross is the ever present reminder of this Truth…

And, God is there, waiting for you to let Him be the answer to all those longings, wants, and desires that trouble you. Turn to Him and ask His help in seeing how He is trying to answer you.

I’ll be praying for you!
 
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