Annulment question

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Hello. Let me start by saying I am praying very hard for my marriage to survive. I recognize how I have hurt my wife and marriage through my choices, and have returned to the Church when things hit an absolute low. Over a year ago, my wife admitted what I had long suspected. She was having an affair. We’ve been struggling. We’re both miserable. But she hasn’t broken off the affair, and I don’t know if she ever will. I pray for her conversion and salvation.

It really seems like I’ve done all I can. I am at a crossroads. My spiritual advisers encourage me to pray and persevere. My Protestant co-worker, who has been a great mentor, wants me to consider divorce. My counselor tells me I should get out of this toxic relationship because of the psychological and emotional harm.

If we were to divorce, I would likely seek an annulment. Firstly, to be able to marry again if someone enters my life, and secondly, in the hopes that my wife will have her conversion afterwards and is free to marry someone she loves.

If you are familiar with annulments, please give me your honest answers.

Knowing what I know now about the sacrament of marriage, and thinking about where my wife and I were at the time, I don’t believe we had a sacramental marriage.
  1. We were sexually intimate before and during our engagement, and we both use birth control. Birth control continued throughout our marriage, but we do have two adult children.
  2. We had actually gotten married months before our wedding in a civil ceremony in order to get her onto my work health plan, and we kept it a secret from her side of the family and still do.
  3. I had been suffering from depression when I met her and was seeing a counselor, but she didn’t see the need for it and I quit my sessions shortly after our engagement at her urging. Also, I believe she is in serious need of counseling–she has major anger issues.
  4. I believe I wanted to marry her because it seemed like a way out of my loneliness, and I also felt obligated to marry her since we were having sex. I asked God to excuse this behavior and promised to marry her to make things right. For her, marriage was a way out of a difficult family situation.
  5. We had an engagement of less than 6 months, and she was only 20. I was 27.
I can’t really say I was in love with her, but I did love her and I cared very much for her. We fought about our sexual behavior. I felt remorseful and wanted to cool things off, but she became angry and threatened to leave me. I knew that she would return to her promiscuous ways, and I didn’t want that. Hence, my"bargain" with God.

We should be celebrating our 25th anniversary later this year. Instead, we are both hurting. And she is indecisive about her decision. It seems that she will let this fester as it is for as long as she can. Either he will have to break it off with her or I will have to. And if he does break it off, there’s no guarantee that she will want to dedicate herself to our marriage. I really do want this marriage to work and have endured over a year of humiliation and depression, and we’ve had lots of fights, but I don’t see any change in her at all. And she does not want to go to church with me and says she won’t even if we stay together.

I don’t think I’d be able to have any effective witnesses. I kept my struggles to myself and most everyone we know thought we were happy.

What do you folks think? God bless you, and thank you for your time.
 
I think you shoudl see your priest immediately.
I’ll say a prayer for you. :gopray:
 
I’d recommend marriage counseling if she would agree to go. Even if you can’t save the marriage, it would be worth for you both to go to improve your relationship. You will need to continue to deal with each other for some time and share a long past.

If she won’t go, why not consider going to individual counseling so you can sort things out. There are also Catholic counselors at Catholic Charities. If not at Catholic Charities, then you could request the counselor do Christian counseling.
 
pianistclare, I did a full examination of conscience over a year ago and did Confession. I’ve seen many priests and am talking regularly to one. It helps me, but it doesn’t change my situation. Thank you for your prayers and I will keep you in mine tonight.
 
There was another post here that disappeared. I have been going to a counselor through my health insurance. He is a good man, and says he is a Christian but likely not Catholic. He respects my beliefs about marriage and helps me sort out my feelings and actions, but he doesn’t counsel as a Catholic counselor may. I have been thinking about that. I may check out Catholic Charities. Thanks.
 
LMU said:
There was another post here that disappeared. I have been going to a counselor through my health insurance. He is a good man, and says he is a Christian but likely not Catholic. He respects my beliefs about marriage and helps me sort out my feelings and actions, but he doesn’t counsel as a Catholic counselor may. I have been thinking about that. I may check out Catholic Charities. Thanks.
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I had posted then deleted it, because I didn’t think my post was being very helpful.
 
I was married before but had an annulment. I think I would have gone to Catholic Charities’ counseling, but I don’t think they accepted my health insurance if I remember correctly.
 
With regards to annulment, one has to file with certain grounds. What I did was to speak with a priest, who was also a canon lawyer. He helped a lot, since he knew the rules.
 
LMU said:
Hello. Let me start by saying I am praying very hard for my marriage to survive. I recognize how I have hurt my wife and marriage through my choices, and have returned to the Church when things hit an absolute low. Over a year ago, my wife admitted what I had long suspected. She was having an affair. We’ve been struggling. We’re both miserable. But she hasn’t broken off the affair, and I don’t know if she ever will. I pray for her conversion and salvation.

It really seems like I’ve done all I can. I am at a crossroads. My spiritual advisers encourage me to pray and persevere. My Protestant co-worker, who has been a great mentor, wants me to consider divorce. My counselor tells me I should get out of this toxic relationship because of the psychological and emotional harm.

If we were to divorce, I would likely seek an annulment. Firstly, to be able to marry again if someone enters my life, and secondly, in the hopes that my wife will have her conversion afterwards and is free to marry someone she loves.

If you are familiar with annulments, please give me your honest answers.

Knowing what I know now about the sacrament of marriage, and thinking about where my wife and I were at the time, I don’t believe we had a sacramental marriage.
  1. We were sexually intimate before and during our engagement, and we both use birth control. Birth control continued throughout our marriage, but we do have two adult children.
  2. We had actually gotten married months before our wedding in a civil ceremony in order to get her onto my work health plan, and we kept it a secret from her side of the family and still do.
  3. I had been suffering from depression when I met her and was seeing a counselor, but she didn’t see the need for it and I quit my sessions shortly after our engagement at her urging. Also, I believe she is in serious need of counseling–she has major anger issues.
  4. I believe I wanted to marry her because it seemed like a way out of my loneliness, and I also felt obligated to marry her since we were having sex. I asked God to excuse this behavior and promised to marry her to make things right. For her, marriage was a way out of a difficult family situation.
  5. We had an engagement of less than 6 months, and she was only 20. I was 27.
I can’t really say I was in love with her, but I did love her and I cared very much for her. We fought about our sexual behavior. I felt remorseful and wanted to cool things off, but she became angry and threatened to leave me. I knew that she would return to her promiscuous ways, and I didn’t want that. Hence, my"bargain" with God.

We should be celebrating our 25th anniversary later this year. Instead, we are both hurting. And she is indecisive about her decision. It seems that she will let this fester as it is for as long as she can. Either he will have to break it off with her or I will have to. And if he does break it off, there’s no guarantee that she will want to dedicate herself to our marriage. I really do want this marriage to work and have endured over a year of humiliation and depression, and we’ve had lots of fights, but I don’t see any change in her at all. And she does not want to go to church with me and says she won’t even if we stay together.

I don’t think I’d be able to have any effective witnesses. I kept my struggles to myself and most everyone we know thought we were happy.

What do you folks think? God bless you, and thank you for your time.
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My son: these are issues that you must speak about with your own parish priest…who knows you. He can speak to these matters in a sequential manner, from knowing you and knowing the situation, and methodically taking the matter step by step with you in pastoral accompaniment…it is not something to be addressed, let alone resolved, by strangers via the Internet, with so many thoughts percolating from you all at the same time.

You are, as it were, putting the cart before the horse in simultaneously speaking about all that is going on within the marital relationship and contemplating asking that the Church examine the marriage for a declaration of nullity. Again your best recourse is for pastoral counseling for yourself; clarity will come in due course as you take decisions involving concrete steps involving definitive action…

The process for a declaration of nullity is predicated on the fact that the marriage’s civil effects have been terminated…in other words, any ecclesiastical process could only begin when a decree of civil divorce has been executed. It is not possible to prejudge the case…that would rest squarely with the competent ecclesiastical tribunal.
 
LMU said:
Hello. Let me start by saying I am praying very hard for my marriage to survive. I recognize how I have hurt my wife and marriage through my choices, and have returned to the Church when things hit an absolute low. Over a year ago, my wife admitted what I had long suspected. She was having an affair. We’ve been struggling. We’re both miserable. But she hasn’t broken off the affair, and I don’t know if she ever will. I pray for her conversion and salvation.

It really seems like I’ve done all I can. I am at a crossroads. My spiritual advisers encourage me to pray and persevere. My Protestant co-worker, who has been a great mentor, wants me to consider divorce. My counselor tells me I should get out of this toxic relationship because of the psychological and emotional harm.

If we were to divorce, I would likely seek an annulment. Firstly, to be able to marry again if someone enters my life, and secondly, in the hopes that my wife will have her conversion afterwards and is free to marry someone she loves.

If you are familiar with annulments, please give me your honest answers.

Knowing what I know now about the sacrament of marriage, and thinking about where my wife and I were at the time, I don’t believe we had a sacramental marriage.
  1. We were sexually intimate before and during our engagement, and we both use birth control. Birth control continued throughout our marriage, but we do have two adult children.
  2. We had actually gotten married months before our wedding in a civil ceremony in order to get her onto my work health plan, and we kept it a secret from her side of the family and still do.
  3. I had been suffering from depression when I met her and was seeing a counselor, but she didn’t see the need for it and I quit my sessions shortly after our engagement at her urging. Also, I believe she is in serious need of counseling–she has major anger issues.
  4. I believe I wanted to marry her because it seemed like a way out of my loneliness, and I also felt obligated to marry her since we were having sex. I asked God to excuse this behavior and promised to marry her to make things right. For her, marriage was a way out of a difficult family situation.
  5. We had an engagement of less than 6 months, and she was only 20. I was 27.
I can’t really say I was in love with her, but I did love her and I cared very much for her. We fought about our sexual behavior. I felt remorseful and wanted to cool things off, but she became angry and threatened to leave me. I knew that she would return to her promiscuous ways, and I didn’t want that. Hence, my"bargain" with God.

We should be celebrating our 25th anniversary later this year. Instead, we are both hurting. And she is indecisive about her decision. It seems that she will let this fester as it is for as long as she can. Either he will have to break it off with her or I will have to. And if he does break it off, there’s no guarantee that she will want to dedicate herself to our marriage. I really do want this marriage to work and have endured over a year of humiliation and depression, and we’ve had lots of fights, but I don’t see any change in her at all. And she does not want to go to church with me and says she won’t even if we stay together.

I don’t think I’d be able to have any effective witnesses. I kept my struggles to myself and most everyone we know thought we were happy.

What do you folks think? God bless you, and thank you for your time.
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yes, speak to a priest about this and ask what concrete steps would be best to take in this circumstance

you are not expected to just lie down and take whatever comes if she is unwilling to break off the affair.

what does your wife want? is she willing to try and fix the marriage? it takes two people to make it work. if she doesn’t care, well there’s not a whole lot you can do.

there is also the option to separate before you officially get a civil divorce, if she does want to get herself on track.

I am very sorry. I will pray for you
 
If you are interested in finding a Catholic Counselor for just you or for both you and your wife to see together, I highly recommend checking catholictherapists.com to see if there is a Catholic Therapist in your area.

If not there isn’t one in your area, some of them have national licenses and offer do phone and/or video sessions via Skype, FaceTime, etc., for example: Dr. Peter Kleponis who has been a guest on Catholic Answers – catholictherapists.com/peter-kleponis-phd-lpc

Also, some take insurance and some don’t.

I pray this helps… I know CatholicTherapists.com helped me.

God Bless
 
You need to make an appointment with a wise and holy priest and discuss these conditions with him; he will be in the best position to advise you.
 
You took her out of a bad situation, but yet she cheats on you? Have you ever cheated on her? What do you mean by arguments over sex? Frequency? Forbidden acts?
 
What do your *ages *have to do with it? My dad was 24 and my mom was 19 when they got married and they are still married 20+ years later.
 
Listen to Father Ruggero.
See your priest, tell him you are considering separation and why.
Follow his advice.
 
LMU said:
If you are familiar with annulments, please give me your honest answers.

Knowing what I know now about the sacrament of marriage, and thinking about where my wife and I were at the time, I don’t believe we had a sacramental marriage.
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I will do my best to give general answers to your questions. Please note that none of these answers are specific to your situation as only your priest or other spiritual director can answer specifically.
  1. We were sexually intimate before and during our engagement, and we both use birth control. Birth control continued throughout our marriage, but we do have two adult children.
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An intention to not being open to life may be grounds for annulment.
  1. We had actually gotten married months before our wedding in a civil ceremony in order to get her onto my work health plan, and we kept it a secret from her side of the family and still do.
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Generally convalidation of civil marriage makes it a sacramental marriage as long as there are no other impediments.
  1. I had been suffering from depression when I met her and was seeing a counselor, but she didn’t see the need for it and I quit my sessions shortly after our engagement at her urging. Also, I believe she is in serious need of counseling–she has major anger issues.
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Mental health issues may effect the ability to freely consent
  1. I believe I wanted to marry her because it seemed like a way out of my loneliness, and I also felt obligated to marry her since we were having sex. I asked God to excuse this behavior and promised to marry her to make things right. For her, marriage was a way out of a difficult family situation.
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Feeling obligated to marry may again effect the ability to freely consent.
  1. We had an engagement of less than 6 months, and she was only 20. I was 27
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.

I don’t know that time of engagement or age alone is relevant to a marriage case unless it helps prove another factor in why a marriage may be invalid.
I can’t really say I was in love with her, but I did love her and I cared very much for her. We fought about our sexual behavior. I felt remorseful and wanted to cool things off, but she became angry and threatened to leave me. I knew that she would return to her promiscuous ways, and I didn’t want that. Hence, my"bargain" with God.
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Please again note that these are very general answers and in no way should be taken as direct answers for your situation. As others have said, listen to your priest regarding the saving of your marriage if at all possible. Seeking grounds for annulment while still trying to save the marriage may mean you have given up on the marriage. I’m not saying this is exactly what you have done, but it does indicate hopelessness and defeat.
 
All I can do is tell you what I would do if in your shoes. I could forgive a mistake as we all make them and given certain circumstances many might slip up and commit adultery. If my wife wasn’t even willing to break off the affair, I would leave. It would be my belief that she did not have any sort of moral base and if it wasn’t there in this part of life, it likely never would.
 
Thank you, Horton. I feel responsible for all this, as I was the first to stray and I hurt her terribly. But I’ve become much more committed to my faith since she told me and I’ve tried so hard to be a better person. I figured it could take a long time to turn this around, but now that I’ve actually gone through it, it has already been a long time and I don’t think I can see this turning around. I think it would really take a miracle, and I don’t know if I have the faith necessary to wait for it or accept that it won’t come. I do feel defeated and now I’m trying to be realistic. I’ve looked into selling our home, looking at our debts and figuring out what we would be able to pay off with the equity, what alimony entails, how my retirement is impacted, and yes, divorce. I feel like I’m giving up, but I don’t know if I deserve to be happy. And St. Pancake, this is the question I keep rolling around in my head.
 
Of course you’re obligated to marry her if you willfully engaged in sex. You think you just pollute somebody and then dump her on the curb; ever heard of doing the right thing?
 
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