Annulment scenario number 4,847,027

[Princess18]

I promise I’ve been reading annulment posts for days and I can’t find what I’m looking for.

A male friend of mine has a very hard time staying faithful. He’s cheated on every significant other he’s ever had. I equate it with an addiction - he hates it but he can’t stop. He’s been legally married and divorced twice, along with numerous live-in relationships. For the life of me, when he told me that he and wife #3 were getting married in the Catholic Church (his first time) I could not figure out how the priest was allowing it. He said that he fully intended to be faithful but his track record says otherwise. They had some Pre-Cana counseling and received dispensation to marry from the bishop (she is not Catholic). Anyway, before they hit their one year anniversary he had moved out and was seeing another woman and a new boyfriend had moved into her bed. It’s been two years since he’s moved out and they apparently have no intent to reconcile (although he’s offered to come home many times).

I discussed annulment with him but he says that he doesn’t want to go back to the priest and admit yet another defeat (his third failed marriage legally). Plus, he’ll have to own up that he’s always been unable to be faithful, even though he “tried”. Here’s my question (and I know that most of what I get here will be speculation, but there’s always a chance someone has been through something similar) if he had a bad history of cheating, does that show intent to cheat, and likely invalidate the marriage? Or does his good intent at the time securely validate it? Does the fact that she knew of all his past infidelities (including ones during their relationship immediately before marriage) change anything?

I can’t imagine what the priest was thinking, unless they somehow didn’t tell him any of the history. Perhaps the priest thought he was truly reformed. Maybe he was hoping to make an honest man out of him. Who knows?

In case you’re thinking “why bother with an annulment” it’s because his parents view his extra-marital sex as far worse than pre-marital sex. Probably six of one, half dozen of the other, but all in all it seems the right thing to do.

I think if he gets it, it should come with a clause that he’s not allowed to marry again. I wonder if they even do that.

Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut.

 

[kage_ar]

If the person in question has been legally married three times, and the third time was in the Catholic Church, he has already been through the annulment process twice.

He needs to call his Priest, and get to Confession. That should be your constant suggestion to your friend.

 

[cameron_lansing]

. . . if he had a bad history of cheating, does that show intent to cheat, and likely invalidate the marriage? Or does his good intent at the time securely validate it? Does the fact that she knew of all his past infidelities (including ones during their relationship immediately before marriage) change anything?

His antecedent patterns of behavior may lend toward establishing that he intended to exclude the good of fidelity by a positive act of the will. It would have to be evaluated with the other proofs presented in the case. It might even be that this behavior is associated with another ground of nullity. But that would need examination. (The knowledge of the other person would be more or less irrelevant to a ground of nullity related to him. It could be part of showing that she gravely lacked due discretion of judgment concerning the essential matrimonial obligations, but that’s another question.)

I think if he gets it, it should come with a clause that he’s not allowed to marry again. I wonder if they even do that.

“They” certainly do. Tribunals can impose restrictions when a party in a marriage that is declared null suffers from a permanent incapacity or has simulated marital consent. See canons 1077 and 1684.

 

[IrishAm]

I discussed annulment with him but he says that he doesn’t want to go back to the priest and admit yet another defeat (his third failed marriage legally).

I think the big question may be, if he isn’t interested in whether his marriage is valid or not, why are you? A man who is noted for his infidelity within a marriage, is not likely known for his fidelity within the Church, either.

No one is a “lost cause,” of course, and someday he may change his mind. But, at this point, it appears he is choosing to abandon his faith and his spouse.

 

[Princess18]

I think the big question may be, if he isn’t interested in whether his marriage is valid or not, why are you?

I didn’t say he wasn’t interested, I said he’s not looking forward to admitting defeat. I’m getting married in October and he asked if we had to take the FOCUS questionnaire like he did. We talked about how much counseling we each had, Engaged Encounter, and how he hopes I’ve done more preparing than he’s done the last three times. He’s upset his marriage didn’t work out and I brought up annulment. I’ve known him all my life, and watched as he struggles with his faith. I am not going to let the opportunity pass to help him get on the right track.

 

[EasterJoy]

I didn’t say he wasn’t interested, I said he’s not looking forward to admitting defeat. I’m getting married in October and he asked if we had to take the FOCUS questionnaire like he did. We talked about how much counseling we each had, Engaged Encounter, and how he hopes I’ve done more preparing than he’s done the last three times. He’s upset his marriage didn’t work out and I brought up annulment. I’ve known him all my life, and watched as he struggles with his faith. I am not going to let the opportunity pass to help him get on the right track.

The thing is, he might be in a valid marriage, and it might yet work. He may also not be culpable.

I knew a man once who was married, divorced and married again, and he told me that he wished he had gotten counselling and figured out what was wrong the first time before he got his divorce. He said that in his case, he would have wound up with one marriage that worked instead of two families to support and take care of. The problem had been that he didn’t know what he needed to do in order to be successfully married. His attitudes practically doomed their marriage to failure, yet he placed the blame on his wife. He figured it out the second time, but he said there was no reason it couldn’t have worked the first time. (He was not Catholic, nor even religious, so annulment obviously didn’t come up in this conversation.) Your friend and his exs may also choose the wrong spouse for all the wrong reasons…over and over and over. It helps to know what you’re looking for.

Encourage your friend to seek counselling with his wife, if for no other reason than so that the two of them can avoid repeating the same heartbreak with someone else. All the experts will tell you that’s the pattern, but it doesn’t have to be that way. There is probably something your friend needs to “get” in order to attempt marriage successfully. He won’t know what it is or what work he needs to do in order to “get it” until he does the work to find out. It is like anything else: some people are “self-taught” and do fine, others don’t have the aptitude, others don’t have the will, and still others have both the aptitude and the will, but fail because they don’t know how or because they don’t appreciate the dividends that a greater or a different sacrifice would have made.

After they’ve had their counselling, your friend and his wife will be in a better place to decide whether divorce and application for a decree of nullity are appropriate. Once your friend gets his counselling (with or without her), he may change from a man who was too immature to successfully marry to one who is capable of doing it well. It is certainly worth trying.