Annulment

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Hi I have been recommended to ask on this forum about my dilemma.I am divorced mum of three grown up sons.Ex was abusive alcoholic we were 20 when we married and i was pregnant.We married in catholic church but i did not realise when i married him his real personality.Many times police were called.He abused me when i was pregnant also physically and mentally.He remarried as soon as divorce was final 2000.I naturally went through a very depressing period in my life.I finally met a lovely man we married 2003civilly.Although have consumated our marriage we have been celibate for some time.My faith has always been strong although i didnt practice mass regularly for 7 yrs.For the past year i have attended mass daily.I have been to confession but as i live in a state of “adultery” it seems pointless going as until i get my failed marriage annulled i cannot get this marriage convalidated.My kids suffered massively over divorce and i do not want them to suffer again.They get on great with my husband and great with their dad and his wife.Starting annulment i am worried ex would mentally disturb the peice that now exists.He tells lies and would manipulate situation to hurt my kids and me.Can anyone help?God Bless you
 
Did your first husband get married in church the second time around, or was it a civil marriage? If he got married in church, he must have gotten your first marriage anulled already. However, in either case, I would talk to the parish priest in order that you would get all the options on the table.
 
Talk to your priest and tell him what you said here.

Talk to your adult children before you do anything and explain that you will be seeking an annulment and why you will be doing so: not to do something against their father but to, hopefully, reconcile with the Church because your faith is important to you.

Explain that the ‘annulment’ process looks at what was happening at the time you took your vows. That the Church looks to see if you entered that marriage with full consent, meaning to be faithful and in it for life. A lack of any of those would render the marriage invalid. Reassure them that even if your marriage to their father is deemed to have been invalid that in no way has any bearing on their legitimacy and has no impact on them. And reassure them again that this action is is not intended to be ‘against their father’ but rather ‘for your faith’.
 
For an annulment to go through, both former spouses have to have their say. When I went through that a few years ago, his (name removed by moderator)ut, along with some others, were required. So, if you haven’t heard anything, or seen any paper work, then there has been no annulment. I’m sure that there is someone in your parish that can guide you through the process.

I think that it took about a year after I had put in the request for the annulment to be “finished.” I wasn’t remarried at the time, and I still haven’t remarried. In fact, I highly doubt that I ever will. But going through the annulment was one more step in putting that part of my life behind me. It was a painful past. But it is the past.
 
So sorry that you have had such suffering.

One key to getting things back in line with the Church, using the correct terminology will help you and your family. The Church never “annuls” a marriage. The Church does not have that power. Thousands of people use this term in error.

What the Church can do, is to examine a marriage and see if a valid marriage was contracted on the day of the wedding. When two people have a wedding, that wedding either results in a valid marriage or it does not. Tow people may continue to live as man and wife for years, have children, yet - be in an invalid marriage. The breakdown of a relationship due to abuse can be a sign that there was not a valid marriage.

The Church will examine the relationship, the couple’s past and spiritual state, the emotional state of mind, etc. They will interview witnesses who knew you before and at the time of the wedding.

From these prayerful questions, they will determine if there was a valid marriage. Should they find there was not, they will issue a “Decree of Nullity”. It says the marriage never existed, it was null.

If you use the search function, you can find some examples of the questionairres used in some places. One of these will go to both you and your ex husband. He can answer or not. A different sort of questions will go to your witnesses. Your children will not be involved in the questions, they were not witnesses to the relationship before and at the wedding.

A good book is by Ed Peters “Annulments and the Catholic Church”.

Prayers for you.
 
Christy_Beth said:
For an annulment to go through, both former spouses have to have their say. When I went through that a few years ago, his (name removed by moderator)ut, along with some others, were required. So, if you haven’t heard anything, or seen any paper work, then there has been no annulment.
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While that’s your experience, it’s not a requirement that the other person be involved. The Tribunal will try to get in touch with the other party but the ‘respondant’ does not, in fact, have to respond for the investigation to go ahead. My best friend’s husband received the decree of nullity in the mail, having had no idea that his ex was seeking an annulment and in fact, not even knowing what the papers meant.

Decrees of nullity are sent to the parish where each party was baptized so if one had been granted it would show up in the OP’s baptismal record.
 
Your ex may not even be interested in participating.

Don’t worry about disturbing the peace. If it does, it was a false peace anyway, the kind, I’m sure, you got very used to keeping when you were married to him. As long as you didn’t disturb him everything was “fine.”

Well, you have a right to have things looked at. For your own REAL peace of soul.

You may find it interesting to note that the first question a Catholic priest will ask the couple is often “Is the bride to be pregnant?”

If she is, that could stop everything in its tracks.

Because for a marriage to be valid, there has to be FULL AND FREE consent of the will. NO duress. And often an impending baby can cause two people who otherwise might not marry to “do the right thing” and marry in order to save face, or make family happy, or give the baby a name. Whatever the reason, there is not full freedom on the part of both parties.

Only you know what you as the bride felt when you got married. Whether you married him because of the baby. Be very honest when you write your answers. Your marriage may not have been valid. And his alcoholism and abusiveness of you during the pregnancy and afterward indicates a whole lot of issues on his part that may have interfered with his discretion and psychological capacity. If he was at all inebriated during the ceremony, that would affect his ability to give full consent.

Good luck.
 
Would it be appropriate ask a question about an unrelated case here, or should I make another thread? It directly concerns annulment, whether a valid marriage was contracted.
 
Thanks everyone for replying you have all made me so overjoyed where i have felt so upset you have all inspired me and helped greatly.I was happy all day yesterday to think someone somewhere in the world cares enough about my situation to reply so THANKS!

Liberansamalo you seem to understand me so well.Thankyou so much for your kind words of encouragement.Unfortunately ex is so manipulative and tells lies i am scared he would turn my kids against me by saying something like "see i told you your mother was bad she even wants to have the marriage annulled so we were never married,she’s sick in the head just like i told you"they have been manipulated before by him he has been very cruel to them mentally i cant let them suffer again.Also i am scared it will put them off catholic church ex would and consistently has before.I admire and respect you greatly have been reading some of your previous threads.thanks x

Havard please ask question related to annulment im sure it would be of help to all of us x

Phemie the friend you talked of oh how i wish it could happen to me ie.ex to just find out

kage-ar
in post of decree of nullity but i know where ex lives etc and he will contest everything about it. He is a control freak (among other things)and even though he is remarried (i know he is dishonest with wife and she is not treated well) i hear from my kids and to hurt me as much as possible he will lie and fight this all the way Most important he will try to turn kids away from me as he always has done x
 
Christy Beth it was great to hear from you as you have actually been through the process
please give me more details how did ex react etc?X

KitSileya no husband got married civilly (registry office) and as he is not religious (although baptised a catholic was not brought up practising.x

Phemie good advice about talking to my kids although i fear this amy make them very insecure and ex will manipulate situation badly I know x
 
Just letting you know you are not alone.

I went through the annulment process with an ex who was abusive, an alcoholic, and who uses the children to hurt me.

He chose not to participate in the process. I think he thought by not cooperating that we would not be able to proceed.

Yes, he told the kids that I was trying to make them illegitimate and that I was trying to erase him from my life. He is always full of it in that sort of way though, if not about the annulment, then about something else. The kids for the most part are starting to figure this out. You just can’t please an alcoholic, so you really need to stop catering to him. Don’t stop yourself from doing what you need to do out of fear of him.

Just remember, you don’t have to take his calls and you don’t have to get sucked into his nonsense. Let him be the victim all he wants. You don’t have to comment on it. You don’t have defend yourself against his ridiculous accusations. Put your energy elsewhere.

If your ex does participate and makes up all sorts of lies, don’t worry about it. You will have your say, as will your witnesses. The truth always shines through. And believe me, men like our exes are all cut from the same cloth. They are not original, and the Tribunal will see through whatever fabrications they come up with.
 
Hi dulcissima thankyou so much for your message you cheered me up greatly.I am so sorry you had to go through much pain also.I know our parish priest says you are closer to God when you suffer pain and he only gives us what we can deal with.So whether we think so or not i guess we are made of strong stuff!I hope ex doesnt bother responding but my experience tells me he will do all he can to make me look and feel bad but MORE importantly he will hurt my kids.How did your kids deal with this and are you re married?x
 
There is a long thread here about being married to a narcissist. You can use the search engine to find it. Your ex sounds like a typical one.

The kids will figure it out. My ex just threw his mother out on the street last night AGAIN and I was driving around at 11:30 pm with one of my daughters trying to find a hotel that would take her (too risky to have her stay at my house) and then shop for some food for her.

That daughter sees the truth finally. As does the oldest. They eventually figure it out. He hasn’t bought food for them for 2 weeks.

He’ll lie. You can counter with the truth: Children, the Catholic Church values marriage so highly that it does not marry people who do not intend to keep the covenant. Like a business deal entered into fraudulently, it is void from the beginning. When you are older I will tell you how it was entered into fraudulently. I am applying for an annulment because I value the promise and vow I made so much I want to have it investigated to determine whether it is really binding on me. I will not betray it and remarry without it if it is not. I love you all too much to set such an example.

Let THEM put two and two together.

Just love them and be their parent. Your ex will have many opportunities to disgust and disappoint them over the years. Good luck.
 
tbcrawford said:
Havard please ask question related to annulment im sure it would be of help to all of us x
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Thanks, the good and knowledgeable friends of this community may hopefully shed light on this as well -

A younger friend of mine is interested in Catholicism. After getting to know him, I’ve found out that one issue that’s been concerning him is the fact that he was married and if he’ll be able to marry again.

A few years ago, he was married to an LDS girl by an LDS clergyman, but it wasn’t a “temple marriage” (not sure what that means, really.) He was only 18 when he got married, but he thought he loved the girl (I believe she was a few years older). Before marrying the girl, he had told her that he was not interested in becoming an LDS or raising children as LDS, and his fiance apparently grumbled but never outright objected.

On their wedding night, she told him categorically that he would have to raise their children LDS, and that she did in fact expect him to convert. With that bomb having been dropped, they never consummated their marriage, and they soon separated. He has obtained a civil annulment, but as I said, he is concerned whether he will be able to marry again if he joins the Catholic Church. I’m no expert in canon law, but it sounded like he had a strong case for annulment… can anyone with more knowledge shed light on this case?

Edit: He has never been baptized in any faith, nor was he raised in any religion/denomination.
 
Obviously he will have to speak to his parish priest no matter what. That is the first step in getting anything done about his marital situation.

With that out of the way, as I understand it the young man in question did not consummate his marriage at all, correct? Not just not on the wedding night, but at all?

Non-consummation is grounds for dissolution of the marriage. Even an otherwise valid marriage (and that is not getting into the question of whether it would have been otherwise valid or not), can be dissolved if it was n ever consummated. 👍
 
He said that the marriage was never consummated, ever. I actually doubted him at first and prodded him about it, but he firmly denied consummating the marriage.
 
Havard from the little knowledge ive gleaned your friend has nothing to worry about.He has extremely good grounds that he was too young (under 21),was not baptised and no consumation.However he may not require a decree of nullity.The best thing to do is ring a priest any priest tell him the details he will have the knowledge.We would welcome any person who wishes to become a catholic Our Blessed Lord be with you and your friend always.Remember to pray the Holy Spirit works in mysterious ways and has helped me significantly in my life.x
 
Two things first. Yes, it’s a nullity decree, it has nothing to do with anulling a marriage.

Secondly, if a party is denied defence unjustly, the nullity decree itself might be null. In ecclesiastic trials, parties have the right to defend themselves. That part cannot be skipped for therapeutic purposes such as sparing an alleged victim some stress. It’s a different matter if the defendant doesn’t want to participate, of course.
 
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