Annulments/support group

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Hello sir, Welcome to our support group. You must be already divorced before you apply for an annulment. We will support you with a hopefully none judgemental attitude.

I got my annulment approved on Sept.2010.

Have you already picked up an annulment questionaire from your priest at your parish?
I can help you step by step and try to answer any questions you may have about the process of an annulment. Astoria/LaLucia
 
I am a new Catholic and applied for an annulment and so is my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. We both spoke to the priest and he believes that both of us will get them. My question here is what are the churchs views on getting engaged during this process? My boyfriend has expressed to me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me and I actually thought he was going to ask me to marry him on my birthday. But he didn’t and when I told him that all the signs were there - like he’s constantly talking about how he wants the wedding to be, where and the honeymoon - but then he told me that until he gets God’s forgiveness for his first marriage, he won’t ask me. I asked him what if he didn’t get the annulment and he said then he couldn’t marry me and marrying outside of the church was not an option. Both of us are very active in the church with RCIA and I am going to be a lector. He has 2 wonderful children who I love deeply and they love me.

What is the church’s views on this? I am constantly crying because even though I love him with all my heart and soul, I don’t want to be “the live in girfriend” forever. I don’t feel like our relationship will be complete until I am his wife. Can anyone offer me some advice?
 
Debbie1965:

I feel your pain on this one. As a man who married a Catholic and then 6 years later we are getting my first marriage annuled I would say don’t do it. Wait. It will not be fun but living as “Brother and Sister” is more not fun when you have been married for a long time. Plus the Church will not allow you to set a date for a wedding anyway until you have the annulments handled.

You sound like you both have your ducks in a row, but with all compassion (that’s a statement to say I’m about to ask a hard question but I want you to know that it’s not in anger or judgement 🙂 ) Should you really be a live in anything if you aren’t married? Also you shouldn’t be having relations either. I know I’m one to talk I “shacked up” according to the Church with my wife for 6 years before we are making it right and had a child. Take the fact that he is wanting to start with you clean as a compliment not as a condemnation of your relationship. It sucks, it takes forever, but it’s worth it. Prayers to you

I would say that you could start the marriage prep classes and such at your church so that when the annulments come through (notice I’m being positive when not if) though there are no guarantees. But that’s a conversation with your priest if he will allow that.

Sorry I know it wasn’t what I would have wanted to hear.
 
Debbie, I am so sorry for your situation that you are in. Many years ago a boyfriend broke up with me because he was a strong Catholic and I wasn’t. I just wanted to live with him and never get married. He chose to break up with me. He did the right thing because the Catholic religion doesn’t allow us Catholics to live together and having children and sleeping together. I am putting it in a nice way.

In other words like my priest said, “No shacking up” which means you can’t live together.

Your boyfriend is serious about not proposing marriage to you until his annulment is approved.
My strong advise is to stop living with him and go ahead and cry all you want because it looks like he just wants you as his girlfriend. If he is sleeping in your bed with you he doesn’t really have to marry you ever. Cruel shoes to say this to you because I am not trying to be mean to you. I am just showing you your reality that if his annulment is not approved he will get the benefit of just living with you forever like you have said.

Are you aware that you are totally sinning everyday by living with him? You should not be a Lector either because you are living in sin. It is against church rules.

Am I right in thinking that you are living with your boyfriend? I got the clue when you said you didn’t want to be his live-in girlfriend forever.

My advise is that since he can’t propose marriage to you until he gets his annulment…
you should tell him it’s against God’s rules to be living in sin with him and you plan to move or he has to move out. Tell him you really want to marry him and are willing to wait for the annulments to get approved BUT…meanwhile you will both be just like brother and sister. You will also be putting yourself in temptation as long as you live together.

I know it is going to be hard for you to say those words but if you truly love God…and want to be a good Catholic you will clear the air with your boyfriend and not shack up with him.
It is very clear to me that you want to get married but I get the feeling he may just want to stay single and not marry again. I am just guessing since I don’t really know him.
 
We discussed this again and decided not to partake in the eucharist and I will not become a Lector. Living apart is not an option. He finished his annulment and has submitted to msgr as I have. We also will talk to our priest.

Thank you and God Bless!
 
Debbie, living apart may not be an option for you because I do know how expensive it is to on your own now a days. But you still have the option of sleeping in separate beds and just living like brother and sister. Are you afraid that if you sleep in your own bed he will leave you?
It may take a year before the annulments are granted. I am thinking positive that the annulments will be approved.

You should be aware that if his annulment is approved and yours is not he may decide to break up the relationship between you.

Try to find out what your case number is because the number tells you how many cases are in front of you. For example; I had 300 cases ahead of me. It is first come first served according to the Advocate asigned to you.
 
After beginning the annulment process about 14 months ago, I found out this week that I have had my previous marriage annulled in both courts!

It’s been such a journey - not much of it pleasant - but we’ve reached that milestone now! Now it feels like the real stuff can start in earnest. Our convalidation of our current marriage, confirmation for me, and the diaconate aspirancy for my husband.

Thank you all for your support - especially LaLucia. Just knowing that others can relate and have been through the process and come out the other side is such a help.

God bless you all.
 
Lightbee, I am sooo happy for you. Now you can move on in your life with your future plans. Peace be with you, LaLucia/Astoria

I am happy you found my new thread because it was closed by some person who didn’t like what I had to say. She had the power to close me down but I also have the power to start a new thread. LaLucia/Astoria
 
I started my process in June 2010 and received a letter confirming that my first marriage had been annulled in August 2011. 🙂

It was a long wait with much anxiety awaiting the decision. I am ever so grateful to the priests, my pastor, and the church itself.

May God bless and give perseverance to those out there who are still patiently waiting and going through the process. I know it seems long and trying, but in the end it so releasing.
 
Do I owe it to my spouse to pursue an annulment since I know she won’t?

Married 21 years, she left 1.5 years ago, divorce was final a year ago and she’s been living with someone since she moved out. We have three kids --12,15 and 20 and they’re living with me.
 
styrgwillidar said:
Do I owe it to my spouse to pursue an annulment since I know she won’t?

Married 21 years, she left 1.5 years ago, divorce was final a year ago and she’s been living with someone since she moved out. We have three kids --12,15 and 20 and they’re living with me.
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I wouldn’t say you owed it to her but sometimes it is a good healing process to go through and it is nice to know if your marriage is valid or not. This will give you closure. That way you do not end up meeting someone 5 years down the line and wondering - am I single.
 
Styrgwillidar, My advise is to apply for the annulment when you are emotionally ready.

It has only been one 1/2 years away from your ex-spouse. You may need time to heal emotionally. But, don’t wait too long to apply because some day you may meet a nice gal that you may want to court and marry. Too many people think they will never marry
again and then they find themselves wanting to rush an annulment.

Even if you don’t ever marry again it feels really great to be released from an ex-spouse.
I chose to stay single and it was a big relief when I got my annulment.

You owe it to yourself to get an annulment. Don’t wait too many years to apply for your
annulment because your ex-spouse and your witnesses will move away and then it will be hard to get your annulment without the information you need to get your annulment.
You will need three witnesses and sometimes they are very hard to find.
PEACE BE WITH YOU, LALUCIA
 
Astoria said:
Styrgwillidar, My advise is to apply for the annulment when you are emotionally ready.

It has only been one 1/2 years away from your ex-spouse. You may need time to heal emotionally. But, don’t wait too long to apply because some day you may meet a nice gal that you may want to court and marry. Too many people think they will never marry
again and then they find themselves wanting to rush an annulment.

Even if you don’t ever marry again it feels really great to be released from an ex-spouse.
I chose to stay single and it was a big relief when I got my annulment.

You owe it to yourself to get an annulment. Don’t wait too many years to apply for your
annulment because your ex-spouse and your witnesses will move away and then it will be hard to get your annulment without the information you need to get your annulment.
You will need three witnesses and sometimes they are very hard to find.
PEACE BE WITH YOU, LALUCIA
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This really needs to be his choice. Not everyone feels that their marriage is invalid. If one does not feel this way than one should not apply - this is a pastoral decision to be made with a priest and to be supported by the community of believers. As long as he is willing to stay chaste than all the power to him. This is as personal a decision as the one to divorce. A decree of nullity is not a right or a privelege it is a finding.
 
my boyfriend is a divorced non-catholic. he married in a civil ceremony spur of the moment cause she had a baby. they were married 14 yrs. she drove them into bankrupcy because of a gamblimg problem then she committed adultery and threw him out of the house. im a widowed Catholic . can we b married in the church since he was not married in church and im free to marry?
 
Hi All,

I have been struggling with deciding whether to leave my spouse, and ask for an annullment in marriage. We have been together for 11 years, and last year I had had enough of the way he lives his life (bad temper, drugs, mental abuse - at one point physical abuse), and I left him for 6 months. He came back to me and told me he had found God, and we decided to get married in the Catholic Church. I really thought he was seriously committed to living a better life, but for the past 10 months it has just gotten worse and worse. He transcends into the person I left before, and I think that when he feels like he is losing me, he comes back and quickly tries to have me reassure him that I love him, etc. My soul feels redundant by being with him, and I have contacted my priest at my church. He recommended an annullment due to the abuse that I endure with my spouse, but I am very nervous about leaving. I know I don’t want to live this way, and it makes me depressed. He has no patience with our children, and is not reliable. He works hard and has a good paying job, but other than that, it is not like having a partner at all. I am ready to move forward, but just want to make sure I am making the right decision. I love my children very much and do not want them to see the way he lives his life. Has anyone gone through a similair situation?
 
anagel12 said:
Hi All,

I have been struggling with deciding whether to leave my spouse, and ask for an annullment in marriage. We have been together for 11 years, and last year I had had enough of the way he lives his life (bad temper, drugs, mental abuse - at one point physical abuse), and I left him for 6 months. He came back to me and told me he had found God, and we decided to get married in the Catholic Church. I really thought he was seriously committed to living a better life, but for the past 10 months it has just gotten worse and worse. He transcends into the person I left before, and I think that when he feels like he is losing me, he comes back and quickly tries to have me reassure him that I love him, etc. My soul feels redundant by being with him, and I have contacted my priest at my church. He recommended an annullment due to the abuse that I endure with my spouse, but I am very nervous about leaving. I know I don’t want to live this way, and it makes me depressed. He has no patience with our children, and is not reliable. He works hard and has a good paying job, but other than that, it is not like having a partner at all. I am ready to move forward, but just want to make sure I am making the right decision. I love my children very much and do not want them to see the way he lives his life. Has anyone gone through a similair situation?
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I do not have children but I was in an abusive marriage with my xh for 17 months. It was terrible. The divorce was worse. I started the decree of nullity proceedings right after. He decided not to interfere with that at all. I am more at peace now then I have been in years. So was it worth it - yes. Was it hard - yes. If you have a good priest than you have more than I had at the time. I moved back in with my parents 1000 miles away and that is where I found my pastoral support.
 
dianna62 said:
my boyfriend is a divorced non-catholic. he married in a civil ceremony spur of the moment cause she had a baby. they were married 14 yrs. she drove them into bankrupcy because of a gamblimg problem then she committed adultery and threw him out of the house. im a widowed Catholic . can we b married in the church since he was not married in church and im free to marry?
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Since he is a non-Catholic a non-Catholic ceremony is presumed valid. He will need to file for a declaration of nullity. The only way that this may be different is if his xw were a baptized Catholic then he could obtain a lack of form as she would have been required to have been married in the Church. I am sorry.
 
@ JoanofArc2008 - Thank you for your feedback. I have one priest asking me why I would get married in the first place, and that God wants us all to be happy. He said I cannot change my husband, and that is something he will do on his own. If he hasn’t done it by now, then chances are he won’t change. Then I have a Deacon telling me to suck it up and do the right things for my kids, which is to be with their father. It’s very hard, but I feel that God has opened the doors for me in so many ways, and I have always shut the doors. I have an opportunity to leave right now, and live in an apartment rent free for one month. I didn’t expect that when I applied to rent an apartment, and I feel like this is an opportunity for me to grow and be happier. I am often depressed, and I feel like most of it stems from my marriage. I wish things were different, but they are not. I also feel like by being with my husband, I am not able to fully enjoy God’s grace. The priest put it this way “You are like a flower who has bloomed, but cannot receive the sunlight because you have a dark cloud hanging over you, and you are withering away slowly”. That statement he made always has stuck with me.
 
anagel12 said:
@ JoanofArc2008 - Thank you for your feedback. I have one priest asking me why I would get married in the first place, and that God wants us all to be happy. He said I cannot change my husband, and that is something he will do on his own. If he hasn’t done it by now, then chances are he won’t change. Then I have a Deacon telling me to suck it up and do the right things for my kids, which is to be with their father. It’s very hard, but I feel that God has opened the doors for me in so many ways, and I have always shut the doors. I have an opportunity to leave right now, and live in an apartment rent free for one month. I didn’t expect that when I applied to rent an apartment, and I feel like this is an opportunity for me to grow and be happier. I am often depressed, and I feel like most of it stems from my marriage. I wish things were different, but they are not. I also feel like by being with my husband, I am not able to fully enjoy God’s grace. The priest put it this way “You are like a flower who has bloomed, but cannot receive the sunlight because you have a dark cloud hanging over you, and you are withering away slowly”. That statement he made always has stuck with me.
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This is a decision only you can make and that is what makes it hard. But honestly all I have to say to you is this: Is this the type of marriage you want your kids growing up and having for themselves?

Whatever marriage you stay in will most likely be the type of marriage your children perpetuate. Now the decision is yours. I think knowing that anyone that asks someone to stay in an abusive marriage for the sake of their kids knows nothing of the cycle of abuse.
 
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