Annulments/support group

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Hi! I am new here and hoping I can get some guidance…I am still not sure which process I will end up doing. First I was told Pauline privilege and then Lack of form. A little bit as to why I’m not sure which process will be done…
I was born and raised Jehovah’s witness, I baptized at 10 yrs old in the JW. I married first husband at the age of 16, he was 18 and I just assumed he was just a baptized Jehovah’s witness as well. A few months after the marriage we just stopped going to the kingdom hall completely. We divorced 3 kids and 11 yrs later. I remarried a catholic and started to attend mass with him, which was a new experience for me, I had never been to a different church other than the kingdom hall. My husband told me he wants to marry me in the catholic church so we approached the pastor and said he would prepare the paperwork. The next Sunday he asked me if either of us had been previously married and I said I had, he said he couldn’t marry us and walked away. I was shocked, neither of us knew why so I started googling and read up about it a little…two yrs later we asked again and was told the same thing, this time we asked why, he told us it was a long process and he was to tired and old to deal with it…spoke to the diocese and they asked questions and told me about the Pauline privilege and for us to ask another pastor to help us, so we did. When they told me my ex would be contacted I called and spoke to his mom, but she would not give me info on him and she doesn’t want him to know about all the process, but she did tell me that she will do whatever to help me except contact him or anything like that, anyway in talking to her I found out that he was baptized in the catholic church as a child, so I informed the church and was told that I no longer qualify for the Pauline privilege, that I qualify for the lack of form. I got all the info about his baptism and called the church, but turns out they can’t find his baptism record!! 😦 So now we don’t know what we are going to do, the pastor said he would contact us later and let us know how to proceed…maybe this could have been behind us now if the pastor had told us all this the first time we approached him. Everything is so new to me and confusing. Has anyone been through anything similar?
 
sour said:
Hi! I am new here and hoping I can get some guidance…I am still not sure which process I will end up doing. First I was told Pauline privilege and then Lack of form. A little bit as to why I’m not sure which process will be done…
I was born and raised Jehovah’s witness, I baptized at 10 yrs old in the JW. I married first husband at the age of 16, he was 18 and I just assumed he was just a baptized Jehovah’s witness as well. A few months after the marriage we just stopped going to the kingdom hall completely. We divorced 3 kids and 11 yrs later. I remarried a catholic and started to attend mass with him, which was a new experience for me, I had never been to a different church other than the kingdom hall. My husband told me he wants to marry me in the catholic church so we approached the pastor and said he would prepare the paperwork. The next Sunday he asked me if either of us had been previously married and I said I had, he said he couldn’t marry us and walked away. I was shocked, neither of us knew why so I started googling and read up about it a little…two yrs later we asked again and was told the same thing, this time we asked why, he told us it was a long process and he was to tired and old to deal with it…spoke to the diocese and they asked questions and told me about the Pauline privilege and for us to ask another pastor to help us, so we did. When they told me my ex would be contacted I called and spoke to his mom, but she would not give me info on him and she doesn’t want him to know about all the process, but she did tell me that she will do whatever to help me except contact him or anything like that, anyway in talking to her I found out that he was baptized in the catholic church as a child, so I informed the church and was told that I no longer qualify for the Pauline privilege, that I qualify for the lack of form. I got all the info about his baptism and called the church, but turns out they can’t find his baptism record!! 😦 So now we don’t know what we are going to do, the pastor said he would contact us later and let us know how to proceed…maybe this could have been behind us now if the pastor had told us all this the first time we approached him. Everything is so new to me and confusing. Has anyone been through anything similar?
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Please feel free to PM me. It is a long answer - but there is a chart that is linked in the Liturgy and Sacraments forum that 1ke posted under the sticky. I would recommend that. I also know where you can go for some canonical advice. God bless.
 
Hello, all!
I am searching for support/advice/commiseration in this long lonely process of seeking a decree of nullity. I started the process about two years ago, then got discouraged when I heard my former husband was upset and getting his mother upset about the process. I had no idea he would care, given his anti-Catholic stance.
I let it languish for quite some time. Now I am back on task, trying to answer some long and intrusive questionnaires. There are no “live” support groups or support people in my area. Our parish priest is a wonderful but ditzy person. I don’t think he knows what he is doing, and I don’t know any way to “work around” him without hurting his feelings. He is extremely busy and does not have time to help me with my answers.
There is no rush to the process since I don’t have a man in the wings. Quite frankly, the shame and pain that I have stirred up just by reading the questions, and more so in answering them, have left me reeling and in no hurry to open myself to that kind of misery in my life again.
Still, finding out if I am entitled to a decree would quiet my restless mind a little.

I did try to join the closed group as well, but I am not sure I did it right, as I am not able to access any content.

One question I have is- am I entitled to find out who is acting as my former husband’s advocate? OK, two questions–will the Tribunal have already sent him the long form questions as well, or does that only happen when I turn in my finished product.
Oy! I thought when I graduated, I was done with term papers!
 
Hello Kitty, I am glad you know how to write term papers.lol. You seem to have a sense of humor too which will help you in this process. You are being asked the same questions over and over but in a different way because some people don’t know how to answer questions so by answering the questions the Tribunal will get a better picture
of your marriage situation.

Your ex-spouse doesn’t have an advocate assigned. Your advocate will be the one to talk with him if he is willing to speak to your advocate.
Your ex-spouse has already received the questionaire too already.
Your other question was if you will qualify for an annulment.
You may qualify under some of the canon laws. The Canon lawyers at your Tribunal will decide which canon law applies to you or not.

Please don’t get discouraged… you must finish the process or you will never know
if you could have gotten your annulment. Once you have completed all of your paper work
then you can leave it in God’s hands to give you an answer.

I am here for you… to support you 100%. I don’t judge people or blame or make anyone feel guilty or whatever. I am in the habit of thinking positive.

Feel free to also send me a private message if you feel more comfortable because there are some negative looky loos that like to butt in when it is none of their business.
I went through the whole process of getting emotional, restless, wanting to give up, some anger feelings, negative thoughts, etc. but in the end I got my annulment. “WHEW”.

Since you have decided to process your paperwork during this summer…you will have to be real patient because some of the workers at the Tribunal office will be taking their vacation time to go home. Some live in Europe. Plus, the Tribunal Office also has other duties to take care of so please be aware that time will go slow this summer. Astoria
 
Hi, kittyb, and welcome. It’s not an easy path, but we’re here for you.

your ex-spouse will most definitely be assigned his own advocate! The church is very serious about giving respondents their rights, and just like you’d never share a divorce lawyer, the tribunal process is very confidential and you would not be expected to share an advocate. He may never meet with his advocate, because you already have dibs on your local priest, but he’s got one if he chooses to take advantage of that.

He may or may not already have his questionnaire, depending on where you are in the process. In my diocese, there is a very short form to start the process, and then I had to jump right into the long questions. At the end of the long questions was where I had to provide my ex’s contact info and had the chance to explain whether it was safe for him to see my info, etc.

Once you turn that long form in, you’ll get something back from the tribunal officially telling you If they accept the case and what grounds they will pursue. Possibly in the same envelope will be official notification of who is your advocate, who is your ex’s advocate, and who your judge is. After he fills out his stuff, or chooses not to, you’ll both be notified of the witness list and have a chance to dispute that if necessary. For example, one person I wrote about was selected as a witness even though he was intensely antiCatholic and would have thrown a wrench in the works on purpose, and I would never have asked him to testify on my behalf even though he knew a lot of useful stuff. So I explained and they took him off my list.

Right now things probably feel intense, because you have lots of work to do. Once you get your testimony turned in, it will be a matter of waiting and occasionally prodding a delinquent witness. Get ready to grow in patience. . .

All the best to you!

Ev
 
My prayers are with you Kitty. Writing all those essays is like opening old wounds and cauterizing them with lemon juice…but in the end, it is cleansing. I actually began working on my annullment May 2011, but because of mishandling (not mine), I didn’t even get a case number until November. Since then it has been a constant start/stop process - it will seem like everything is moving full steam ahead, and then suddenly there is a screeching halt. I think it’s just part of the process.

Do you have kids with your ex? I do - and that can be another part of discontent - because no matter how you explain it to them, they will believe what they want to believe. Mine are grown and still see this as some sort of hateful attack against their father. Funny - he was our abuser…and yet they protect him. It’s sad really - my only real support/solace in this process is found in prayer for it.

Currently, all of my witnesses have responded (in record time - a couple of months ago) but the hold up is in that none of my ex’s people are responding - so we wait. In the meantime, my (now) husband and I are living as brother & sister until if/when my annullment is granted and we convalidate. If mine is never granted, we stay this way forever…small sacrifice to the One who gave so much.

Hang in there, and feel free to vent when you need to - it’s why we are here.

Blessings -
 
Thanks to all who responded to welcome me, and to all who have posted here over the months (years?). I am learning so much from reading these posts and no longer feel so alone.
 
You are truly not alone. We may be few and far between in our own parishes, but what a blessing that we can “meet” each other here!
 
Hello - I’m new to the Forum but we might have something in common. I volunteer at my Parish with annulment support. I’d be willing to try to answer questions or enter discussions as needed. 🙂

Right now, I’m looking for a Phoenix Divorced Catholic Support Group in the northern suburbs of Chicago - near Libertyville, Mundelein, Vernon Hills, Waukegan. Anyone know of an active group in the area???
 
Can the Church help to stop a divorce and annulment? I’m in a situation where my husband has filed for a divorce that I do not want. We were married in the Church and I know he is going to want an annulment although he really has no grounds for an annulment since I have never violated our marriage vows. We have been a married for 19 years. I have spoken to my priest and asked him to please talk to my husband, but he says he can’t do that. My husband would have to come to him, which will never happen because he doesn’t want the priest to tell him he has to end his affair. He has been to confession, but I’m pretty sure he has not confessed his infidelity since he says there is nothing that will make him stop and try to repair our marriage. Do I have to agree to an annulment if he applies for one?
 
Dear BullGatorMom -
My dear, you do NOT have to approve of any annulment that your husband my file. He has the right to file, and you have the right to appeal. But, once the civil divorce is final, he can seek an annulment, and he and his support person will work through the paperwork with your Diocese to discern grounds for filing.

Once all the paper work is completed and filed with the Marriage Tribunal, you will receive information in order for you to appeal. Your Pastor can help you through this process, or he may refer you to a support team for help…depending upon his experience with the Tribunal and / or your case.
Code: 
Please do not feel that you are operating alone in this.  The church can and will help you to determine whether or not you want to appeal.  Please work with your Pastor and/or the support group(s) available to you.
 Remember, you are greatly loved by God - and he will give you strength to come through this and all the hard experiences of your life.
Nancy
 
bullgatormom said:
Can the Church help to stop a divorce and annulment? I’m in a situation where my husband has filed for a divorce that I do not want. We were married in the Church and I know he is going to want an annulment although he really has no grounds for an annulment since I have never violated our marriage vows. We have been a married for 19 years. I have spoken to my priest and asked him to please talk to my husband, but he says he can’t do that. My husband would have to come to him, which will never happen because he doesn’t want the priest to tell him he has to end his affair. He has been to confession, but I’m pretty sure he has not confessed his infidelity since he says there is nothing that will make him stop and try to repair our marriage. Do I have to agree to an annulment if he applies for one?
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The Church cannot stop a civil divorce. The Church has no jurisdiction in civil courts.

If your husband applies for annulment after the divorce is final you will be sent a questionnaire by the Tribunal. This questionnaire, if answered honestly, will help the Tribunal determine if your marriage was valid according to the teachings of the Church at the time of the ceremony. If you believe the marriage was entered into validly then you absolutely should answer the questionnaire and mail it back to the Tribunal.

Once the first Tribunal makes a determination the case is sent to a second Tribunal in order for that Tribunal to make a determination. If both Tribunals agree the marriage was valid, no annulment. If both Tribunals agree the marriage was invalid, annulment granted. If one Tribunal believes the marriage valid and the other believes it invalid, the case will be sent to Rome for a final determination. During the process, and I am not sure at which point, both you and your husband will be given opportunity to appeal a decision you do not agree with.

As far as the civil divorce is concerned, if your husband is refusing to end his affair and repair your marriage and he is determined to divorce you then the most sensible course of action is to get a lawyer and make sure that you get whatever assets, alimony, and child support you are legally entitled to receive.

Realistically, it is possible your husband will never apply for annulment or ignore the decision of the Tribunal if they say the marriage was valid. It’s not uncommon for a Catholic to drift away from the faith when they end their marriage. If they decide to remarry without an annulment because they know their first marriage was valid or aren’t familiar with the annulment process or simply disagree with the Tribunal they have options. An awful lot of Catholic just remarry in a civil ceremony or in a religious ceremony presided over by a pastor of a different denomination.

I am so sorry you are going through this terrible pain.
 
I would like to request your prayers. I, a Catholic, was married to another Catholic who filed for divorce right around our second wedding anniversary. It has been nearly five years since our divorce was final. My nullity proceeding has been pending for between 12 and 18 months. A few weeks ago I sent my closing argument to the Tribunal.

Now I am terrified of receiving the statement from the Defender of the Bond about what I did wrong and why my terrible marriage should be held valid. I am worried that they will simply throw their hands up and say “Nope, not enough evidence,” because all I have are my statement and witness testimony in a case regarding willful exclusion of children – no letters, email, phone records, and so forth. Beyond that, obviously the case is personal – only my ex-wife and I ever mentioned our vow to remain intentionally childless, and we put up a facade of “everything’s fine, this is a perfect marriage,” thereby making my statement pretty much stand alone – nobody to corroborate it, per se.

So please pray that a just and swift decision be rendered. I am trying so hard to trust in God and in the process but these fears are just so heavy and I’ve felt worn down for weeks.

Thanks, and God bless you.
 
I’m Catholic but my wife is a non Christian. We were civilly and church married. After 12 years of marriage, she has decided she wants to move out and get a divorce. About a year ago she admitted starting a affair with a married man that is still ongoing today. If I choose to go through a annulment after the divorce is finalized, what ‘type/form’ should I use and what are the chances of it succeeding? (reader’s opinion)
 
Hi there,

I just put in to join the group. I am starting the process of annulment and happened on this thread as I was browsing the CAF. Very interesting reading the threads thus far.

Long story but I am a Catholic that was previously married to a Jewish man. Did not know I needed to be married in the Catholic church so we had a civil service. Three years later were were divorced. I drifted away from the church for many years. Was remarried to a Catholic man but we married in a civil service. My current husbands story is very similar to mine in his first marriage (Catholic/non-catholic no dispensation). Both of us came back into our faith and decided to pursue the annulment process and convalidate our marriage. We have 2 children.

I have contacted our parish on numerous occasions and I can not get a priest to call me back. We would really like to get this process started and am wondering if I can go to another parish or to the diocese office? I have been in the parish office and called numerous time for the past 4 months or so. We have both been to confession and are living as brother and sister until our annulment is granted (God willing) and are trying to live our lives in our faith. Just frustrated.

Just a little cliff notes version of my story 🙂 I wanted to join a group to try and find some answers and get some support. God bless.
 
sadpanda2 said:
I would like to request your prayers. I, a Catholic, was married to another Catholic who filed for divorce right around our second wedding anniversary. It has been nearly five years since our divorce was final. My nullity proceeding has been pending for between 12 and 18 months. A few weeks ago I sent my closing argument to the Tribunal.

Now I am terrified of receiving the statement from the Defender of the Bond about what I did wrong and why my terrible marriage should be held valid. I am worried that they will simply throw their hands up and say “Nope, not enough evidence,” because all I have are my statement and witness testimony in a case regarding willful exclusion of children – no letters, email, phone records, and so forth. Beyond that, obviously the case is personal – only my ex-wife and I ever mentioned our vow to remain intentionally childless, and we put up a facade of “everything’s fine, this is a perfect marriage,” thereby making my statement pretty much stand alone – nobody to corroborate it, per se.

So please pray that a just and swift decision be rendered. I am trying so hard to trust in God and in the process but these fears are just so heavy and I’ve felt worn down for weeks.

Thanks, and God bless you.
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I am sorry for the fear and trials you have gone through. Trust God, trust the Church, and appeal if you have to!
camero2010 said:
I’m Catholic but my wife is a non Christian. We were civilly and church married. After 12 years of marriage, she has decided she wants to move out and get a divorce. About a year ago she admitted starting a affair with a married man that is still ongoing today. If I choose to go through a annulment after the divorce is finalized, what ‘type/form’ should I use and what are the chances of it succeeding? (reader’s opinion)
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The chances of an annulment succeeding really depends on a number of factors. I’d say contact your priest or a canon lawyer through your local Tribunal. Give that person the details and they would be able to let you know if you have a case for invalidity. Because you were validly married within the Church you’d probably have to go long form, but, again, the priest or a canon lawyer would be able to say for sure.
China123 said:
Hi there,

I just put in to join the group. I am starting the process of annulment and happened on this thread as I was browsing the CAF. Very interesting reading the threads thus far.

Long story but I am a Catholic that was previously married to a Jewish man. Did not know I needed to be married in the Catholic church so we had a civil service. Three years later were were divorced. I drifted away from the church for many years. Was remarried to a Catholic man but we married in a civil service. My current husbands story is very similar to mine in his first marriage (Catholic/non-catholic no dispensation). Both of us came back into our faith and decided to pursue the annulment process and convalidate our marriage. We have 2 children.

I have contacted our parish on numerous occasions and I can not get a priest to call me back. We would really like to get this process started and am wondering if I can go to another parish or to the diocese office? I have been in the parish office and called numerous time for the past 4 months or so. We have both been to confession and are living as brother and sister until our annulment is granted (God willing) and are trying to live our lives in our faith. Just frustrated.

Just a little cliff notes version of my story 🙂 I wanted to join a group to try and find some answers and get some support. God bless.
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Contact your local Tribunal directly, explain the difficulties you have had, and they should be able to steer you in the right direction. I found my local Tribunal by Googling the Archdiocese name and the word Tribunal.
 
I’m posting with hopes of finding some support or information from individuals having difficulty in their annulment process. If there are few witnesses to the marriage, good or bad, and any problems were kept quiet (even prior), it seems as though it becomes one person’s word against the other. If one of those persons is bitter and resentful (keep in mind they’re not even Catholic) the other individual seems to be doomed to living the rest of their lives unable to marry in the Church. I do not fault the Church for trying to make the best decision they can under the circumstances, but I am at a loss for what happens when the individual requesting the finding of nullity and even their priest/sponsor understand it not to be a valid marriage. Should they just give up? It seems frightening and wrong, when others are granted nullity on much lesser grounds, with more witnesses and no opposition, and this person is bound to something that they can see is not valid, but cannot prove. Has this happened to anyone? I realize the answer from many on the forums will be that this is God’s will, and that person will just have to accept their suffering until they die (or the other person dies). It does not appear to be the best way for this person to exude Christ in their life.
 
Deefraz said:
I’m posting with hopes of finding some support or information from individuals having difficulty in their annulment process. If there are few witnesses to the marriage, good or bad, and any problems were kept quiet (even prior), it seems as though it becomes one person’s word against the other. If one of those persons is bitter and resentful (keep in mind they’re not even Catholic) the other individual seems to be doomed to living the rest of their lives unable to marry in the Church. I do not fault the Church for trying to make the best decision they can under the circumstances, but I am at a loss for what happens when the individual requesting the finding of nullity and even their priest/sponsor understand it not to be a valid marriage. Should they just give up? It seems frightening and wrong, when others are granted nullity on much lesser grounds, with more witnesses and no opposition, and this person is bound to something that they can see is not valid, but cannot prove. Has this happened to anyone? I realize the answer from many on the forums will be that this is God’s will, and that person will just have to accept their suffering until they die (or the other person dies). It does not appear to be the best way for this person to exude Christ in their life.
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Could you further explain your situation? The way it’s worded I can’t tell if you are asking in theory or specifically have a situation of your own.

There is always the option of contacting a canon lawyer and of appeal, but without specifics that’s the best I got for you.
 
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