Annulments/support group

[Deeann07]

Interestingly, my case is in a similar situation now. I just found out today that the second court is proposing a different ground than the one the first court proposed/decided upon. I am feeling very frustrated having waited 13 months for the first decision (my case was mishandled), and now almost another year (in May) since it was sent to the second court. I’m told it could be another six months before I hear anything. I just want to move on from this… enough is enough already. Two years and counting and another half of one potentially! How is this pastoral???

Lovetohope I couldn’t help but notice in your post you mentioned your Houston case was mishandled. Sadly my boyfriend is in this same situation. We are deeply concerned about how his case has been reviewed with the Houston tribunal, and all the problems that have resulted. Most recently our advocate was told it had been looked at for a third time and had an affirmative response, only to be told days later that this was not the case. We are considering contacting a canon lawyer but are not certain what can be done now. Going on more than 2 years in this process and in worse shape than we were when started. I am curious if your mishandling was simply a time issue. His case was also sent to the same psychologist in another state on two different occasions, even after the resubmittal removed any mental health grounds. I pray you will have a positive resolution soon.

 

[Batfink]

If I may ask, why do you believe your marriage to be invalid? If it’s something like one of you were married before or one of you was catholic and did not marry in the Church or with dispensation than maybe consider speaking to your pastor about what you need to do to have a convalidation to correct the problem.

In addition to this, if you suspect your marriage to be invalid due to a defect of consent (rather than some definite impediment like those stated above), you or your husband or both could renew your consent now and make the marriage valid from this point.

 

[lovetohope]

Lovetohope I couldn’t help but notice in your post you mentioned your Houston case was mishandled. Sadly my boyfriend is in this same situation. We are deeply concerned about how his case has been reviewed with the Houston tribunal, and all the problems that have resulted. Most recently our advocate was told it had been looked at for a third time and had an affirmative response, only to be told days later that this was not the case. We are considering contacting a canon lawyer but are not certain what can be done now. Going on more than 2 years in this process and in worse shape than we were when started. I am curious if your mishandling was simply a time issue. His case was also sent to the same psychologist in another state on two different occasions, even after the resubmittal removed any mental health grounds. I pray you will have a positive resolution soon.

Hi Deeann, I’m so sorry to read of your ups and downs with the Houston tribunal. While I understand that there are staff shortages and lots of cases to be handled, I cannot help but feel like they forget that there are actual people on the other end of the paperwork. In my case, my ex and his witnesses disregarded deadlines and the Tribunal shelved my case for almost nine months just giving them extensions, which I know was something my ex took advantage of. By the time I went in to read, 13 months after my case was accepted, the documents submitted by the respondent were receipt-stamped from the previous month! Three weeks later I had a letter with an affirmative decision that now turns out to be unacceptable by the Appellate court in San Antonio. The person there told me they can’t give timelines. Just an apology or an understanding gesture would be welcome, but Houston was unapologetic for shelving my case, and San Antonio is just saying, ‘oh well, get in line while your case is heard all over again on this new ground, and don’t bother asking how long it will take,’ after I’ve waited on them an entire year! I know I am feeling sorry for myself, I just want this to be over already. It’s emotionally exhausting. Thank you for your prayers, Deeann. I will pray for you and your boyfriend as well, (and the Tribunal folks!) May God bless us with perseverance and patience.

 

[Nic1099]

Hi Everyone

Delighted to let you all know that I received my Decree of Nullity this morning. The Court of Second Instance confirmed the affirmative decision of the Court of First Instance. I cannot express how delighted I am and how free I feel!

The confirmatory decision took place on the 9th April, so the timeframe between decisions was four months for those interested in the Irish Tribunal system.

Thanks to all who supported me and replied to my threads, particularly Dan for sharing your expertise.

I will pray for all of you still awaiting decisions.

God bless!

Nic

 

[Batfink]

Hi Everyone

Delighted to let you all know that I received my Decree of Nullity this morning. The Court of Second Instance confirmed the affirmative decision of the Court of First Instance. I cannot express how delighted I am and how free I feel!

Congratulations. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing what your marital status is for sure and move on with your life! My prayers for you as you move into this new stage.

I’m disappointed for you that it took over a month from the decision to you finding out; I hope it’s not always that long!

 

[MJJean]

Hi Everyone

Delighted to let you all know that I received my Decree of Nullity this morning. The Court of Second Instance confirmed the affirmative decision of the Court of First Instance. I cannot express how delighted I am and how free I feel!
Nic

:clapping: :clapping: :extrahappy: :clapping: :clapping:

 

[Nic1099]

Congratulations. Now you can breathe a sigh of relief knowing what your marital status is for sure and move on with your life! My prayers for you as you move into this new stage.

I’m disappointed for you that it took over a month from the decision to you finding out; I hope it’s not always that long!

Thanks Batfink

Like you, I was surprised that the final decision was taken over a month ago and I only found out today. Saying that, I was and still am overjoyed by news, which I always knew to be true in my heart. I would never have applied for a Decree of Nullity if I was insincere and believed the ‘marriage’ to be valid, no matter how ‘pear -shaped’ the things went.

Thanks again for all your support!

 

[Nic1099]

:clapping: :clapping: :extrahappy: :clapping: :clapping:

Thanks MJJean!

I’ll keep praying for you as you go through this process. All the Tribunal staff were very helpful but it was hard dealing with some people’s reactions. It has been a very healing experience and great to know that I am now a single person in God’s eyes (and always was!).

‘Unbind me and set me free’.

Nic

 

[MJJean]

Thanks MJJean!

I’ll keep praying for you as you go through this process. All the Tribunal staff were very helpful but it was hard dealing with some people’s reactions. It has been a very healing experience and great to know that I am now a single person in God’s eyes (and always was!).

‘Unbind me and set me free’.

Nic

Thank you so much for your prayers! I know in my head and heart that my first marriage was not valid other than legally. I have no doubt as to the outcome of me case. It’s the waiting for the official decree that’s torturing me.

I’ve averaged out what I’ve heard from people in the area here and there when talking annulments. If things go as they typically do, I should have a Court of First Instance decision by around June or July and a Court of Second Instance decision sometime between November and December. I’m praying for a swift and just decision.

 

[Batfink]

So I received the declaration of nullity today.

Surprisingly, I actually feel quite down about it, even though it’s what I’ve been praying for and what I felt would happen all along. Anyway, I have friends and a good spiritual director I can talk to in RL about that.

I’ll be off at the weekend to get my rings re-set.

Thanks to everyone who’s given their support, prayers, and advice.

 

[MJJean]

So I received the declaration of nullity today.

Surprisingly, I actually feel quite down about it, even though it’s what I’ve been praying for and what I felt would happen all along. Anyway, I have friends and a good spiritual director I can talk to in RL about that.

I’ll be off at the weekend to get my rings re-set.

Thanks to everyone who’s given their support, prayers, and advice.

Umm, Congratulations? I’m happy for you that the annulment has been completed and you can move on. Sad that you are feeling down.

So, what have you decided to do with the rings? My ex literally stole and pawned my rings after we split up but before we divorced. So, I never had to think much about what I would do with them. I think I would have kept them for the firstborn. But it’s moot. And they weren’t nice enough to justify having a jeweler reset the stones and melt the gold. If I had a nicer set I may have had a pendant and earrings made.

 

[Batfink]

So, what have you decided to do with the rings? My ex literally stole and pawned my rings after we split up but before we divorced. So, I never had to think much about what I would do with them. I think I would have kept them for the firstborn. But it’s moot. And they weren’t nice enough to justify having a jeweler reset the stones and melt the gold. If I had a nicer set I may have had a pendant and earrings made.

I spoke to a jeweler and he suggested pendant and earrings, but it didn’t feel right. So I’m having them reset as one ring, with a Scripture quote on the back. I can pass it on to our daughter as an inheritance and in the meantime I’m going to use it as as commitment ring for my private vows.

 

[MJJean]

I spoke to a jeweler and he suggested pendant and earrings, but it didn’t feel right. So I’m having them reset as one ring, with a Scripture quote on the back. I can pass it on to our daughter as an inheritance and in the meantime I’m going to use it as as commitment ring for my private vows.

That is an absolutely lovely idea!

 

[lovetohope]

Friends,
I have a question about pornography addiction and how it is evaluated from the Tribunal’s perspective. Does anyone know anything about this particular issue? Is it basis for any grounds? Is it linked to infidelity?

 

[Nic1099]

So I received the declaration of nullity today.

Surprisingly, I actually feel quite down about it, even though it’s what I’ve been praying for and what I felt would happen all along. Anyway, I have friends and a good spiritual director I can talk to in RL about that.

I’ll be off at the weekend to get my rings re-set.

Thanks to everyone who’s given their support, prayers, and advice.

Hi Batfink

I’m delighted for you but understandably, these situations are difficult and your feelings are normal. Here’s wishing you all the best!

Nic

 

[dans0622]

Friends,
I have a question about pornography addiction and how it is evaluated from the Tribunal’s perspective. Does anyone know anything about this particular issue? Is it basis for any grounds? Is it linked to infidelity?

Hello,

I know a little about it. As usual, it all depends on the particular facts. A sufficiently severe, long-standing, and disruptive addiction of this sort can certainly be pertinent and be related to several grounds. It is “linked” to infidelity but is not the same as an actual affair.

Dan

 

[Steve_P]

So part of the name of this forum is “support” so I am looking for some thoughts from the collective.

I submitted my paperwork only a month ago and I know it is going to be a long wait to finally get the ruling but as I was sitting here thinking I was wondering if any of you had experienced what my advocate called Eucharist starvation?

I am not sure if this is possible but I feel like I have a mental death grip on this feeling in the back of my mind from some 40 years ago. This was when I think I last properly participated in the Sacrament of the Eucharist with a clean heart and soul. That was before I turned my back on Him and started my worldly decline that only just ended last July. It is this feeling which seems to be fueling my desire to return to being in communion with the Church which is the primary thrust behind my seeking a Declaration of Nullity.

It is hard to determine if this is an unreasonable expectation (recouperation of that relationship) or just a vivid imagination. Thoughts?

Background:

The Declaration of Nullity from my first marriage (a week out of high school in 1981 which came with a teenage pregnancy and then convalidated a few years later to appease my former spouse), if granted, is only the first hurdle to getting back to the Sacrament of the Eucharist.

I remarried 20 years ago to my present wife who was also previously married and is a baptised Lutheran. She is still working on her submission to the tribunal. She is very supportive but also reluctant to dredge up those old feelings from her previous Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde abusive marriage. I find it unsettling that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde just bought a house near us (2000 miles from where he is now) and will be moving here in September to be closer to their adult children he has rarely had any previous contact with. Coincidence?

She has agreed to attend RCIA to support me and to better understand the Catholic faith starting this coming August.

Maybe this is the wrong type of material to be venting in this forum and if so I apologize but really I don’t know where else to go to discuss or just air these thoughts. My parish priest didn’t have to spell it out any more clearly the one time I tried to go to the Sacrament of Reconciliation only to find out I get to hang on to mortal sin or leave my wife of 20 years (Living like brother and sister is not an option for her and rather difficult on my part, to say the least). Then he said something about God having other people to help too. I was confused but took it as maybe I was taking up too much of his time. This was only the third or fourth time over several months that I had met with him and I didn’t realize that I was being a burden. I thought I was always respectful of his time. Wow, this can get pretty depressing so I think I will close here.

Holding on to Christ,

Steve

 

[MJJean]

Hi, Steve.

I have spent my time while everyone else is receiving Eucharist praying for annulments, safety, the marriages of people I know and on the forums, etc. It helps.

I was also part of an abusive marriage. I think it took me about 3 days to fill out my annulment paperwork. I looked at it as more of an examination of a very dark time in my life for the purpose of truly healing rather than as digging up old memories. Try encouraging her to see it as healing? Maybe she’d be more motivated to get her paperwork finished.

As far as Jekyll and Hyde…well, it’s fairly common for men who didn’t really raise their kids to grow older and regret that they weren’t the father they should have been. Just as you’ve gotten a bit older, learned some things about what’s important, and have decided to get right with God and the Church maybe he has decided to try getting right with his kids. It’s not easy to wake up one day, realize you’re middle aged and there ain’t no senior prom on your horizon, that your children are grown, and you missed it.

I drive a bit of a ways to attend church at a parish shepherded by a priest that is quick to respond to email and calls and who always does his best to take as much time as a parishioner needs. If you believe your priest is disinterested or simply very, very, busy than what about speaking with the pastoral assistant or deacon or even asking for a spiritual adviser?

 

[Steve_P]

MJJean thanks for helping me see it from a different perspective and the excellent suggestions. I was in a dark place yesterday when I posted and later regretted my public airing of emotion afterwards so much so I asked a moderator to delete it when I could not seem to find the delete button. I am now thankful they didn’t in hindsight.

Regards,

Steve

 

[MJJean]

MJJean thanks for helping me see it from a different perspective and the excellent suggestions. I was in a dark place yesterday when I posted and later regretted my public airing of emotion afterwards so much so I asked a moderator to delete it when I could not seem to find the delete button. I am now thankful they didn’t in hindsight.

Regards,

Steve

I’m happy you came here for support. We seekers of Decrees of Nullity have all had our dark days. No shame in that.

Now that you are feeling a bit more optimistic, I thought I’d share something funny.

When I started my annulment paperwork I was not catholic nor considering conversion. I was treading the Agnostic-Christian border. My husband, however, was raised catholic and reverted after 10 years of marriage. So, in the interest of helping him get in good standing with the Church I started researching the annulment process and downloaded the paperwork so I could have it all filled out with the appropriate documentation before meeting with the priest. Save us all some time and save me having to make multiple trips into the city.

During the process family friends asked why I was bothering annulling my previous attempt at marriage when I wasn’t becoming catholic. People just didn’t get it. My response?

“The catholic Church is one of the largest organizations on the planet with about 1 BILLION members. I can’t stand the idea that such an organization still sees me as married to that jackass!”

When all else fails have a laugh.