Anointing of the Sick and Funeral question

[rositabean]

Sorry if these are dumb questions. A little background, my family is catholic but only my grandma is practicing now and her kids (including my mom) didn’t raise any of us or my cousins to practice catholicism. I went through RCIA as an adult and my husband and I are practicing catholics.

Tonight I went to visit my sick uncle. He is REALLY sick. He is dying of colon cancer and has really deteriorated since radiation therapy for lung metastases. His hospice bed was just delivered today. I asked my cousins (his kids) what arrangements were made for him, and they acted like they didn’t even realize he was catholic and they said that the last time they tried to talk to him about his wishes for his final arrangements he would not tell them anything because he was in denial and said he was going to get better. They said maybe they’d have a home funeral and have him cremated.

I felt troubled by this so I went back to my uncle’s bedside to talk to him about his catholic faith and he told me that as he has been catholic his whole life and when I asked if he wanted a priest to come see him he said he did. I felt glad that he would talk to me about this and tomorrow I would like to talk to him more, if he is willing, about his funeral wishes so I can help my aunt when the time comes.

My questions are these:
If my uncle hasn’t attended mass in a long time and isn’t registered in a parish do I ask my own priest to visit him or do I have to call the diocese to see which parish his residence falls under and contact that priest?

If I have to ask my priest, would that be weird? I attend mass regularly but am not buddy-buddy with the father, and my uncle would prefer a Spanish speaker and I don’t know if my priest speaks Spanish or not. Would I have to call around to find a Spanish speaker?

Is there a fee or donation for this visit and if so how is that usually handled? How much is it usually?

Is it an inconvenience or offensive to ask a priest to see someone who hasn’t been practicing the faith in a long time? I believe he’d maybe want to make a last confession and be absolved of his sins and be anointed and die in a state of grace even if he just realizes this so late in his life, or is that not okay?

Does he have to be buried in a catholic cemetery or may he be buried in the local nearby cemetery?

If he hasn’t been attending mass regularly and doesn’t officially belong to a parish, should there be a funeral mass and would that be at my parish or the local parish (if he tells me he would indeed like to have some kind of catholic funeral arrangements instead of a generic secular type of funeral, of course).

As I haven’t ever had to make any type of funeral arrangements before, I wonder what type of funeral rites would be the most common or appropriate for my uncle? Keeping in mind, of course, that while he may be having a renewed faith on his death bed, and want our catholicism to be respected after his death, the rest of my family is not really practicing anymore so I don’t know what they would think about a formal mass.

Basically I want to do the right thing. My uncle is a good man and it would make me sad to see his faith, our faith, ignored at a time like this by the rest of our family of lapsed catholics.

I appreciate any help to steer me in the right direction. I’ll call my parish office tomorrow if that is the right place to start.

 

[SMHW]

It would be the priest of the geographic parish to which your uncle belongs who is actually responsible for him. I would call over there. You could mention that your uncle hasn’t seen a priest in quite a while. But it doesn’t hurt to call your own parish too, if nothing else, to add him to the list of sick people for whom your parish is praying.

 

[JesuXPIPassio]

Hi there.

Since your uncle is a hospice patient, you could try going through his hospice service for a priest. My mom has a care home and we had a hospice patient, and their services include a priest.

Also, in my experience, it doesn’t matter if your uncle isn’t registered to a particular parish. You could just call whichever one is nearest to you.

If you want a Spanish-speaking priest, you could try calling the diocese. Hopefully it would save a lot of time versus having to call parish by parish. Try the Chancery first; if they can’t help you, try calling the Vicar for Clergy, who’s the priest in charge of overseeing all of the priests in the diocese, so hopefully he’d know which priests there speak Spanish.

As for donations, it’s customary to give one. Fifty or a hundred bucks sounds pretty generous. Twenty would suffice. It’s customary but not obligatory.

Would the priest frown on having to minister to someone who hasn’t been practising? Well, if the priest is offended by that, shame on that priest! Some priests are good in the Confessional; some aren’t and act kind of grouchy. I have yet to see one of the latter in the US. They are supposed to be fatherly and patient, truly pastoral, but a lot don’t really follow that. My nephew went into the Confessional once and checked first to see if the priest is busy, and that priest snapped at him for that, which I thought was totally unreasonable. It depends on the priest, really; but seriously if he gets offended, total shame on him for that.

You mentioned cremation as an option your cousins mentioned. Cremation is okay, but make sure the ashes are buried, and not scattered or put on a sort of permanent display. The current rules have it that burial of ashes is the only option (if you’re curious why, it has something to do with the theology of the Resurrection of the Body).

I’m not sure about the burial situation. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I believe it’s not required for it to be at a Catholic cemetery; if it’s not at a Catholic cemetery, the priest should just bless the ground the body (or ashes) are to be buried.

With regard to the venue of the funeral, I think you’re best off asking your parish. I noticed different dioceses have different rules when it comes to where people can be baptised and married; I’d reckon it’s the same with funerals and burials.

I’ll pray for your uncle and your family. Let us know how things turn out and if our help did anything for you.

 

[Br.Rich_SFO]

Sorry if these are dumb questions. A little background, my family is catholic but only my grandma is practicing now and her kids (including my mom) didn’t raise any of us or my cousins to practice catholicism. I went through RCIA as an adult and my husband and I are practicing catholics.

Tonight I went to visit my sick uncle. He is REALLY sick. He is dying of colon cancer and has really deteriorated since radiation therapy for lung metastases. His hospice bed was just delivered today. I asked my cousins (his kids) what arrangements were made for him, and they acted like they didn’t even realize he was catholic and they said that the last time they tried to talk to him about his wishes for his final arrangements he would not tell them anything because he was in denial and said he was going to get better. They said maybe they’d have a home funeral and have him cremated.

I felt troubled by this so I went back to my uncle’s bedside to talk to him about his catholic faith and he told me that as he has been catholic his whole life and when I asked if he wanted a priest to come see him he said he did. I felt glad that he would talk to me about this and tomorrow I would like to talk to him more, if he is willing, about his funeral wishes so I can help my aunt when the time comes.

My questions are these:
If my uncle hasn’t attended mass in a long time and isn’t registered in a parish do I ask my own priest to visit him or do I have to call the diocese to see which parish his residence falls under and contact that priest?

If I have to ask my priest, would that be weird? I attend mass regularly but am not buddy-buddy with the father, and my uncle would prefer a Spanish speaker and I don’t know if my priest speaks Spanish or not. Would I have to call around to find a Spanish speaker?

Is there a fee or donation for this visit and if so how is that usually handled? How much is it usually?

Is it an inconvenience or offensive to ask a priest to see someone who hasn’t been practicing the faith in a long time? I believe he’d maybe want to make a last confession and be absolved of his sins and be anointed and die in a state of grace even if he just realizes this so late in his life, or is that not okay?

Does he have to be buried in a catholic cemetery or may he be buried in the local nearby cemetery?

If he hasn’t been attending mass regularly and doesn’t officially belong to a parish, should there be a funeral mass and would that be at my parish or the local parish (if he tells me he would indeed like to have some kind of catholic funeral arrangements instead of a generic secular type of funeral, of course).

As I haven’t ever had to make any type of funeral arrangements before, I wonder what type of funeral rites would be the most common or appropriate for my uncle? Keeping in mind, of course, that while he may be having a renewed faith on his death bed, and want our catholicism to be respected after his death, the rest of my family is not really practicing anymore so I don’t know what they would think about a formal mass.

Basically I want to do the right thing. My uncle is a good man and it would make me sad to see his faith, our faith, ignored at a time like this by the rest of our family of lapsed catholics.

I appreciate any help to steer me in the right direction. I’ll call my parish office tomorrow if that is the right place to start.

You can ask him (if he has been Catholic all his life) what parish he attended before he got sick? If he can’t remember find the local parish nearest to his residence. Explain that he would prefere a Spanish peaking priest, and explain his situation. There is no cost involved.

A Catholic should be buried in a Catholic cemetery, however if no Catholic cemetery is available the individual grave at any cemetery can be blessed at the time of the funeral.

Cremation and interment is also possible at a local Catholic Church that has a area for this.

Remember it is his funeral Mass not the family members. The parish will have someone who can walk you through the funeral arrangements. You may need to know where he was Baptized at. If he wants Catholic funeral Rites, then get with your aunt and help her get it done for him.

 

[rositabean]

Thank you for your replies and help. I ended up checking the diocese website and located the 3 parishes in his city, one of which I used to be registered at before I moved. Since my old house was literally just a few blocks from my uncle’s house, I decided to call my old parish. The office staff did ask for the address and agreed that it was close enough. The woman who helped me was very nice and didn’t seem to mind that my uncle hadn’t been practicing in a long time. Though it has been a while since I attended mass at that parish, I do recall that I liked the priests there so I feel good that either one will be great for my uncle to speak with. I am glad I wasn’t referred to the other local parish which I have visited with my grandmother from time to time. I felt that the main priest there was kind of mean and intimidating (when I asked him for guidance about joining the church he made me feel like I was somehow defective for not already being baptized and fully initiated in the church. Needless to say, didn’t do RCIA there.) so I am glad that he would not be one of the last memories my dying uncle will have about the church and his faith.

I will stop by tonight and see what my uncle has to say about the funeral plans. It is nice to know I am working with a good and caring parish. I must have been a little in shock not to have thought of my old parish in the first place. Thanks again.

 

[PatriceA]

When my father passed away, the funeral home was the ones that arranged everything with my parents’ parish for the funeral mass and arrangements for the cemetary. Just fyi, a good funeral home will be able to do that all for you.