Anorexia?

[lovedance4ever]

I have struggled on and off with anorexia since I was thirteen, and I am now twenty. Well lately, this tendency has been tormenting me.

One day when I was about thirteen, I was taking a ballet intensive (four hours every morning, five days per week). I wanted so desperately to be a professional ballerina, and because I was tall and I could not get rid of that, I figured I could compensate by losing as much weight as I could. So I starved myself…and this one particular day, I was discovered because I passed out from not having eaten. Needless to say, my parents and teacher were very concerned.

When I quit dance due to an injury…well, I cannot possibly describe the pain I felt. It was as though my heart had been broken. Ballet was the love of my life…I know it sounds cheesy and stupid, but it is true. I was considered to be the top, best dancer in the class, and I had gotten offers to dance at a very prestigious studio for ballet. And it all came crumbling down because I severely injured my neck. Then I gained weight because I was in so much pain, and could not be as physically active as I was in the past.

When I try to lose weight now, I go back to my old, bad habits. I am absolutely terrified of eating food. Today while I was eating (because my mom forced me to), I could not stop crying…because I literally feel like every calorie I take in will make me gain weight. I see myself as an elephant. My family says I am not, and although I do need to lose some weight, they say I am not as big as I think I am.

I have hardly eaten any food this week…please pray for me. I feel absolutely miserable. I hate myself, I hate my body, and I just feel like things in my life will not get any better. They just seem to be getting worse. I want to be a dancer again, and knowing that I can never go back to the way it was before…kills me.

 

[EasterJoy]

You are a Christian; you would not allow yourself to hate anyone else. You might feel the temptation, but you would find ways to help yourself see an enemy more charitably, right?

Well, the command is to “love your neighbor as yourself”. If you fail to give yourself a proportionate amount of care and concern, you cannot love others the way you should. It might help you to see that you have no more permission to feel contempt for yourself than for anyone else. Remember what St. Paul said, with regards to whether he had been a faithful servant of Christ and a worthy steward of the mysteries of God:

"It does not concern me in the least that I be judged by you or any human tribunal;* I do not even pass judgment on myself**; I am not conscious of anything against me, but I do not thereby stand acquitted; the one who judges me is the Lord. Therefore, do not make any judgment before the appointed time, until the Lord comes, for he will bring to light what is hidden in darkness and will manifest the motives of our hearts, and then everyone will receive praise from God."* 1 Cor. 4:3-5

I would be careful of this much, though: Be careful that you do not stand in contempt of the body God has made for you, nor disdainful of the trial that God has permitted you to suffer. You may of course pray, “If it be your will, let this cup pass me by”, of course you may! The Lord himself did that, for Christianity is not a religion of masochists!! You do not have to love your trials. No, you only need to love God enough to accept the trials of this sinful world as God would have you accept them. Trust God and love what God has made you. What you cannot love, agree to accept for His sake, until the day when he wipes away all tears if necessary. Eat to take care of what he has given you; that is stewardship he has given you, OK? OK! You can do this!!

 

[PartoftheBody]

I will pray for you, my sister.

If you haven’t already, I urge you to seek professional physical, mental, AND spiritual help. All three. You have a serious, complex illness that needs multifaceted treatment.

 

[EasterJoy]

I will pray for you, my sister.

If you haven’t already, I urge you to seek professional physical, mental, AND spiritual help. All three. You have a serious, complex illness that needs multifaceted treatment.

Yes. Absolutely!! This is a problem that is potentially life-threatening. It deserves professional attention.

 

[St_Francis]

You need help getting to a place where you can see the proper amount of food as being good for you. Right now it seems like you see any bit of food as being dangerous; this is seeing things in the wrong way. You also need to see your body appropriately, where the proper weight is healthy and good for you.

For all this, you really need more help than you can get online–you need people who understand these misperceptions of yours and can help you get to the right place.

Your bady is an *integral part *of you, your body and your soul are, together, you.And your body is made by God for you. Treat it kindly. What would you say if someone treated a child the way you are treating yourself?

 

[jaimeleglise]

Praying for you. God loves you very much and you deserve to be happy.

 

[Beryllos]

I was about to write that I cannot advise you and all I have is a prayer, but it occurred to me that you are not alone in this. I have heard that there is a ballet culture which is very demanding, even unreasonably so, and that many ballerinas starve themselves. Can you think of anyone in your ballet community who has a more moderate attitude, who could be like an advisor or mentor to you?

You have a certain vision of what dancing is, and what it means to be a dancer. Could there be another vision, maybe another approach to dancing, or maybe even another dance form, that could give you joy and fulfillment without risking your health?

This reminds me of a famous guitarist by the name of Leo Kottke. Here is an article that describes his struggle:
Leo Kottke article from Guitar Player, January 1991

In the late '60s and early '70s, Leo Kottke’s blazing 12-string slide instrumentals set new benchmarks for steel-string fingerpicking virtuosity.

… In the early '80s, a severe right hand and wrist problem [repetitive strain injury] caused him to seriously rethink his picking style. He… took a three-and-a-half-year hiatus from recording. During that period, he took classical guitar lessons, discarded his fingerpicks, and learned to play with less hand tension. It proved to be a difficult transition for Kottke, but he eventually regained the volume and power that he once attributed to fingerpicks.

… He shifted his musical emphasis away from speed and power toward tonal richness and rhythmic intricacy. To be sure, Kottke’s speed was still present, but his new rhythmic and compositional maturity allowed him to rely on it less.

In a similar way, perhaps you can find a new vision of dance that fulfills your need to dance while preserving your health.

I am praying for you! May the Holy Spirit bless you, free you from fear and needless anxiety, and help you to find joy once again in dancing.

P.S. If you like acoustic guitar music, listen to Kottke’s album One Guitar, No Vocals. I love the whole album, but especially the last track, Even His Feet Look Sad. (Nothing to do with dancing, the title means that someone looks sad from head to toe.) I imagine even your feet look sad, but let us hope for better days!

 

[Viki63]

“We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV’s while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that’s the way it’s supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad.”

I’m sorry you’re going through these trials, lovedance. I hope you will take other’s advice and seek professional help, as anorexia is nothing to mess with.
Meanwhile, I noticed your quote from the movie ‘Network’. I haven’t seen it, but I would say this quote is definitely focused on the negative. Our air and food are fine, not perfect, but when in human history have we had perfection? The refrigerator was only invented in 1918.
We do suffer from homicides and crimes, but instant news makes it sound much worse than it is. Crime is actually down.
I suggest you focus on more uplifting topics to help you feel better about life in general. You are clearly a person of great talent, and God has a purpose for your life, although it may not be the one you envisioned.

 

[1ke]

Please get professional help. This is a very serious condition.