Another complicated marriage situation~

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Dubervilles

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It’s been a long time since I have posted here. I actually re-read the last post I made about this subject matter which was when I was just starting my marriage.

At the time I was asking about ABC and NFP as I was newly married and had been on ABC and was at a turning point in deciding what to do as I did not want children.

It’s interesting though because things quickly changed soon after that post. My DH developed what I believe now is ED. After the discussion on here about what to do to avoid children it soon became a non issue as there were no relations between us.

I went to confession and confessed my use of ABC and when the priest asked “and you are no longer using this method correct” I was able to answer yes as that is and was the truth as we are abstinent.

I have now been married 6 years and the last 5 have been abstinent. It’s gotten to me though. It’s frustrating as a 29 year old woman to not be physical with your husband for 5 years. Finally I started talking more about this and told him that he needed to see a doctor as he is not that old (he is older than me) and while we thought part of the ED developed due to a very stressful job situation over the past years he is now at a new job which is much less physically and emotionally straining on him.

We visited the urologist last week to talk about some pains he was experiencing as well as the ED problems. They took some tests which we are awaiting the results for as well as gave him a sample of Cialis.

We plan on awaiting the results before he would be interested in trying the medication. Now I feel I am stuck between a rock and a hard place. On one hand I would love to have the unitive part of our physical relationship back–but on the other it puts me in the same situation as before . I’m not sure which is worth it more.

On top of this my husband is against putting drugs in his body–especially for something he would deem non-essential. I can’t blame him there–I understand even.

But do I really want to live the rest of my life out as a celibate–even if we are in a happy marriage?

Advice?
 
So let me ask you this…

If your husband’s condition were such that he would never be able to be intimate with you again due to a medical condition, or some type of accident, would you also think of giving up on your marriage? Especially if you are saying you have an otherwise happy marriage in your second to last sentence?

Where is the sacrifice? Where is the through thick and thin part of your vows?

And ironically, God has given you exactly what you have wanted all along with your husband’s condition–no children.
 
So, I’m not understanding why there is a problem? You can utilize NFP if you have a serious reason to avoid a child at this time.
 
@Irishmom2 —no of course not–it’s pretty much why for 5 years I didn’t really make an issue of it. I’ve always told my husband that if he was a talking brain in a jar I would still stay faithfully married to him. It’s just that it’s a difficult cross to bear when you are a young female with desires and love for your husband.

I have tried to look at it through the “well I guess this solves everything” lens but at the same time I feel it’s a bit of that good 'ol Catholic guilt to say–well I guess I deserve to never be physical again because of my wishes to not have children.

@1ke–you’re right this is also an option
 
Dubervilles said:
@Irishmom2 —no of course not–it’s pretty much why for 5 years I didn’t really make an issue of it. I’ve always told my husband that if he was a talking brain in a jar I would still stay faithfully married to him. It’s just that it’s a difficult cross to bear when you are a young female with desires and love for your husband.

I have tried to look at it through the “well I guess this solves everything” lens but at the same time I feel it’s a bit of that good 'ol Catholic guilt to say–well I guess I deserve to never be physical again because of my wishes to not have children.

@1ke–you’re right this is also an option
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I would like to pray for your dh’s healling in this area.

I would also like to say that you have a very uplifiting story in that while you cannot be physically unitive your fidelity may bring you spiritual unity.

I think you should look harder at NFP now that you know periods on continence will definetly be possible.

God bless you on your situation.
 
the results came back some time ago and while he has lower testosterone than someone his age should normally have–it’s not even in the low end–so there isn’t really anything to do about that. The doctor gave him a sample of Cialis which is a drug for ED and he has yet to take it–he has no interest. It’s frustrating. He say’s it ‘won’t work’ so why bother–well why not try is what I ask. Some days are better than others. We’ve been having a lot of fun lately spending more time together playing board games and video games and dancing—but nothing–it’s the same friendship/roommate relationship as before. I guess I don’t know how to stress that this is not normal and it is important to me–perhaps my ‘letting it go’ for 5 years shot me in the foot.
I sit up at night and read forums where women discuss this problem and just cry and cry because I can understand many of the feelings of abandonment and desire. It’s difficult.
Generally though in most of those forums these couples are having trouble due to low Testosterone, or they find out their husband is cheating, gay or into porn heavily…and I know for a fact that mine is not (which is a great relief)–but at the same time I would have a finger to point I suppose if I found a secret porn stash.
I don’t want to be an ultimatum type of wife or a nagging wife–but I feel like this last resort is quickly becoming a reality. I’m tired of feeling ashamed of myself–or being guilt tripped because I have a healthy drive.
 
Wow, that’s a long time to be celibate for a young couple! It sounds like his ED problem originates with some other problem - low desire = low interest. IOW it’s not the physical symptom of not being able to have an erection, it’s that he doesn’t even seem interested in trying!

Could he be depressed? That will take away any sex drive.

I would say he needs to see another doctor, not just get a pill, but really find out what is going on, and if it’s psychological, he needs treatment, so you two can find some sort of healthy sex life.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
I would say he needs to see another doctor, not just get a pill, but really find out what is going on, and if it’s psychological, he needs treatment, so you two can find some sort of healthy sex life.
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I’m going to second this wholeheartedly. OP, if your husband has zero sex drive, something physical or emotional is amiss, something that could eventually impact other aspects of his health down the road. He needs a thorough medical and psychological evaluation ASAP. If one physician just wants to mask the situation with erectile dysfunction medication, find another doctor who’s willing to look at the total picture.

Luna
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Wow, that’s a long time to be celibate for a young couple! It sounds like his ED problem originates with some other problem - low desire = low interest. IOW it’s not the physical symptom of not being able to have an erection, it’s that he doesn’t even seem interested in trying!

Could he be depressed? That will take away any sex drive.

I would say he needs to see another doctor, not just get a pill, but really find out what is going on, and if it’s psychological, he needs treatment, so you two can find some sort of healthy sex life.
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I agree, there is something else going on here. He has a low sex drive which is probably contributing very much to the ED. No ED medication is going to help him if he doesn’t have any sex drive to begin with.

It’s alright for you to get other opinions from different doctors. Find a doctor who will help you and your husband get to the source of the problem.
 
I think you guys need to talk both to a marriage therapist and a priest.

This part of your post “things quickly changed soon after that post. My DH developed what I believe now is ED” suggests that your DH did not suffer from ED in the beginning of your marriage, while you were using ABC. But then, soon after you transitioned to NFP, he developed ED and the whole change came about rather quickly. If this is the case, i.e. if he developed ED rather quickly, it could be consistent with some “psychological conflict” or “relationship dynamics” issue, rather than a physical cause such as low testosterone, diabetes, etc. Physical problems and diseases that cause erectile problems often have a slower onset and the erectile problems also develop more gradually. Another thing is, when a husband suffers from ED based on a psychological conflict or relationship dynamics issue, the couple needs to explore what’s causing the conflict. A good marriage therapist should be able to guide and help the couple along this way of exploring what’s causing the conflict, and seeking a resolution to the conflict.

I think you should also talk to a priest, because marriage by definition should be open to the gift of children - unless you want a “Josephite marriage” like our Blessed Mother had with St. Joseph, or the early martyr St. Cecilia had with her husband, in which case total abstinence is precisely the way to go. You may want to use abstinence or periodic abstinence for a while, but you can’t go through the whole journey like that. At some point, you need to make yourself available to the gift of children.

How does your DH feel about having children? If he would be happy to become a dad, but you don’t want that, that disagreement by itself could cause the psychological conflict. He might discover a new desire for you if the two of you became open to total unity, with all its possible consequences including the gift of children. Ironically, though, just the opposite could also be the case - that he doesn’t want children at this time or at all, and he got scared of the possibility of you becoming pregnant, as soon as you went off the birth control pill. Something like this can also cause ED - the husband is worried about not being ready for children (financial problems, whatever) and cannot “relax and let go” (relaxation is good for sex, but stress, conflicts and worries are not helpful - this has a logical explanation based on the physiology of the human body, namely that erection requires a predominantly parasympathic rather than sympathic tonus, and stress causes an increased sympathic tonus).

So, I guess, you need to explore these psychological issues, relationship dynamics issues, and the spiritual side of your marriage (both of you must be willing to have children at least at some point in your marriage, or else continue living as you are now - totally abstinent). You could benefit both from talking to a marriage counselor and to a priest about these issues.
 
Luna- I agree that something is obviously amiss. He tends to think there are many men and relationships that are like this and that I am exaggerating when I tell him statistics that I find on intimacy (ie that married couples still have intercourse). I don’t think I could ever talk him into seeing more doctors as he was already unhappy with the cost associated with getting tested by the urologist.

L Piperatus - perhaps you had misunderstood my original post. We never used NFP–we used ABC prior to marriage, and then into marriage when the ED/intercourse stopped–I continued on ABC for a few months after nothing was going on. My husband is not Catholic, nor practicing any religion.
About children–neither of us really have any interest. I don’t believe this has changed. I had panic attacks about it early on that I felt I would never want children–initially my husband was surprised–but then became more against having children than I was. I don’t believe anything has changed in that regard. I feel like over the years that this ‘issue’ has gone on I have in the past gown to blame myself–as in my not wanting children has brought upon this burden–which is part of the reason why I haven’t spoken up or brought up the issue much in the past few years. I’ve realized that’s silly though–guilting myself into ‘deserving’ a sexless marriage is not helping myself in any way.
 
TheRealJuliane said:
Wow, that’s a long time to be celibate for a young couple! It sounds like his ED problem originates with some other problem - low desire = low interest. IOW it’s not the physical symptom of not being able to have an erection, it’s that he doesn’t even seem interested in trying!

Could he be depressed? That will take away any sex drive.

I would say he needs to see another doctor, not just get a pill, but really find out what is going on, and if it’s psychological, he needs treatment, so you two can find some sort of healthy sex life.
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Ditto, plus I wonder if there is any confusion about his sexual orientation.
 
Dubervilles said:
About children–neither of us really have any interest. I don’t believe this has changed. I had panic attacks about it early on that I felt I would never want children--initially my husband was surprised–but then became more against having children than I was. I don’t believe anything has changed in that regard.
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First - regarding the highlighted part above - avoiding sex is certainly a good way to avoid children. Seems like a connection.

Second - has he had an NPT test?

Third - sex is part of marriage. You have a right to be happy. Don’t beat yourself up, stay positive and keep working at this.
 
Sex is a very important part of marriage, he needs to realise this. It’s not all about him.

Tell him to take the pill like a man and also to go and get some tests/analysis on himself, as it’s not normal for a guy to withold.

Hell I can’t ever imagine it!
 
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