Another Marital Act Thread

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annie17on12

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I would have posted in my last thread but I was on my honeymoon still and forgot about my post.
So, the problem is that I still haven’t fully consummated my marriage with my husband after a week. It feels like before I was married I had to work hard to control my desire for my husband. But now that we are married, I find it hard to get turned on enough for lovemaking. We have tried to consummate our marriage over and over but it just doesn’t happen. I got to the point where I thought I should just suck up the pain and let my husband do what he has to do. But, even that seems like a bad idea since it hurt so incredibly much.

Is my spiritual life connected to my ability to feel passion with my husband? Is the devil messing with my mind? I have a very strong feeling this problem originates in my mind. But I’m not sure how to fix it. My sweet husband has been so patient and loving… I feel so bad that I cannot succeed in this area of our marriage after giving it my all. 😊
 
It’s normal for the first time to be painful. One of the main things I remember about my wedding night is the searing pain. We completed the act but it hurt. It hurt the second, third, and maybe fourth time as well, until my hymen finally broke. Also there was some blood all those times. My husband was very gentle and patient, but it still hurt. It’s normal and to be expected.

What worked for me: try to relax as much as possible. Focus on foreplay - kissing, touching, cuddling, tender words, etc. When you are relaxed, then your husband can try to enter. He should go in a little bit at a time. Go in a bit, pause, go in a bit, pause…etc., until he is finally all the way in. You tell him when to pause and when to continue. Once he is all the way in, it will be sort of a “ripping off a band-aid all at once effect” as he “finishes.” And yes, it will still hurt and you may have to endure the pain the first few times. But once you get past the first few times it will get more comfortable. And don’t put pressure on yourself. Enjoy the special time with your husband.
 
annie17on12 said:
I would have posted in my last thread but I was on my honeymoon still and forgot about my post.
So, the problem is that I still haven’t fully consummated my marriage with my husband after a week. It feels like before I was married I had to work hard to control my desire for my husband. But now that we are married, I find it hard to get turned on enough for lovemaking. We have tried to consummate our marriage over and over but it just doesn’t happen. I got to the point where I thought I should just suck up the pain and let my husband do what he has to do. But, even that seems like a bad idea since it hurt so incredibly much.

Is my spiritual life connected to my ability to feel passion with my husband? Is the devil messing with my mind? I have a very strong feeling this problem originates in my mind. But I’m not sure how to fix it. My sweet husband has been so patient and loving… I feel so bad that I cannot succeed in this area of our marriage after giving it my all. 😊
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No, absolutely not. This has nothing to do with your spiritual life or how much you love your husband. It has strictly to do with your anatomy. Put all of this out of your mind.
 
Also keep in mind that lovemaking is a learned art. No matter how much you love each other or how attracted you are to each other, the marital act is something that improves with time, experience, and practice. I understand that you may have expected things to “just happen” on your honeymoon, but that is not a realistic expectation. It will take time to learn about each other, what feels good, what doesn’t, what turns you on, and what doesn’t. As I said, take your time, relax, and enjoy the special time with your husband.
 
Please check out Xantippe’s link on the other thread about vaginismus. There are a range of treatments available depending on severity. If it continues to be a problem please consult a doctor. Unfortunately, trying to “just deal” can just worsen the problem over time - it becomes an automatic reaction to tense up anticipating pain, which worsens pain, which worsens the anticipation, and so on.

It’s great to hear that your husband is supportive. This is not a problem you have to face forever and you can work together on it. Keep the lines of communication open and trust each other! I’ll be praying for you, too.
 
pensmama87 said:
Please check out Xantippe’s link on the other thread about vaginismus. There are a range of treatments available depending on severity. If it continues to be a problem please consult a doctor. Unfortunately, trying to “just deal” can just worsen the problem over time - it becomes an automatic reaction to tense up anticipating pain, which worsens pain, which worsens the anticipation, and so on.

It’s great to hear that your husband is supportive. This is not a problem you have to face forever and you can work together on it. Keep the lines of communication open and trust each other! I’ll be praying for you, too.
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Second this advice. I had vaginismus for my first PAP, so I understand how painful that can be. Sometimes anxiety and overthinking things can make us tense up. I definitely wouldn’t just deal with painful sex either.
 
I hope it works out for you guys. I don’t have any advice but I’ll pray for you. I’m getting married in October and this is an issue that worries me a little the more I read.
 
Hi,

I agree about going to a gyn - they will put your mind at ease. If it doesn’t solve itself within a week or two, that is, which it will do in the vast majority of cases. What you are describing is the experience of some women and not others - no two women are the same.

My Gyn told me that some women have extra sensitive nerves around the hymen. It can take a while for that to heal. Vaginismus is another potential cause, but not the only one.

Your Gyn may give you some lubricant with a mild dose of anesthetic in it, which you probably won’t need after a while, if this doesn’t fix itself. Also, the problem with pain of this nature is that it causes you to contract your muscles, which in turn makes the pain worse.

But don’t worry! If it ends up not going away itslef after a few weeks, I think half the battle is won once you speak to a doctor about it and feel reassured. At least, it was painful for me at first and still was after 1 month, so I went to the Gyn and afterwards, just knowing that I was normal and that I had a temporary solution with the aforementioned lubricant was a huge relief.

Of course, it goes without saying that nerves play a huge part in these things and as you grow more comfortable, that stops being a factor. Also lots and lots of foreplay is important, but I assume you know that 🙂

Don’t worry! It will be fine! I was in your shoes last year and it all worked out!
 
Just to allay the fears of anyone else who may be anxious - not everyone finds it painful, a lot of people don’t bleed at all.
 
Isca said:
Just to allay the fears of anyone else who may be anxious - not everyone finds it painful, a lot of people don’t bleed at all.
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Yes, agreed 100%. I think the majority of people would not describe it as “painful”.

Put it’s important that the minority of people who do find it painful don’t feel like there is something wrong with them. Because you often feel like it’s mental problem. Sometimes it is, but there are definitely also physical causes.
 
Others have provided good advice specific to your situation. In general terms, don’t be discouraged that you aren’t able to immediately consummate your marriage. We Christians tend to fantasize marital sex to an almost impossible ideal, I think, as we wait so long (or at least try to wait) for that big moment…while the rest of the world is freely having sex around us. The truth is, sex in marriage will always have its ups and downs. It can take patience, practice, and in some cases even medical attention before one is able to fully get into a satisfying sexual rhythm with one’s spouse.
My wife and I have been married for two years now. We don’t have sex very often because we have a small baby and it just doesn’t happen… but when we do it is comfortable, natural and mutually satisfying. For the first several months, however, long before the baby factored in, we really struggled. My wife would finish rather quickly and I wouldn’t finish at all…it was frustrating and I actually dreaded marital encounters. Thankfully in the end I figured out that my side of things was strictly psychological and got past it. Its very common to have struggles in this area in the early phase of a marriage.
 
kptrs said:
What worked for me: try to relax as much as possible. Focus on foreplay - kissing, touching, cuddling, tender words, etc. When you are relaxed, then your husband can try to enter. He should go in a little bit at a time. Go in a bit, pause, go in a bit, pause…etc., until he is finally all the way in. You tell him when to pause and when to continue. Once he is all the way in, it will be sort of a “ripping off a band-aid all at once effect” as he “finishes.” And yes, it will still hurt and you may have to endure the pain the first few times. But once you get past the first few times it will get more comfortable. And don’t put pressure on yourself. Enjoy the special time with your husband.
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It took almost 3 weeks before I discovered the method that ended up working. I ended up having to get on top, with him laying completely still, and I worked it in myself. When we had tried it with him working it in, my vaginal muscles just clamped shut, and no matter how much I willed my muscles to relax, they just would not. It did hurt (think more “pulled muscle” vs sharp pain) for the first 3 or 4 times but I didn’t bleed after the first time.
 
Isca said:
Just to allay the fears of anyone else who may be anxious - not everyone finds it painful, a lot of people don’t bleed at all.
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To the OP I sent you a message. I have been married a little under 2 months.

I feel like after reading things I was super scared for our wedding night. I thought it was going to be painful. I did have some mild pain and minimal bleeding, but it was not s bad as I thought it would be. However, we couldn’t quite figure it out the first night but had better luck on our honeymoon and have discovered tricks that makes it easier on both of us.

Now if only we would have followed our NFP stricter.
 
First time should not really hurt as much. If you are really aroused, it should expand and there should be enough lubrication so it wouldn’t hurt that much(generally). However a lot of women tend to be anxious and so they tense up which makes everyone expect that the first time = pain.

Anyyyway, it’s normal to not feel a lot of passion towards him, because you know that it’s not wrong. I don’t know if I’m making sense, but it’s like “you want what you can’t have”. It won’t last forever though 🙂 (although i get the feeling that this might not be the case)

Talk to your husband about this! Take your time
 
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