Another Pathetic Sob Story

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HoneyBea

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Just your typical sob story post. I just spent the last 1.5 hours crying to God I thought I’d give him a break,

It’s Christmas here…I’m sitting outside in the cold to get away from my husbamd. I skyped with my family and afterwards I suggested skyping with his family …his mom…brother and sister and he was more interested in watching a movie…he never talks to his family…there’s nothing wrong with them…he’s incredibly selfish with them the same way her is with me. He doesn’t know how to love. I got upset and tried to make him feel guilty because it’s Christmas and I thought he should reach out but the man could care less. This hurts me…I don’t want this man as the father of my children. So I went outside and I prayed and then about 30 minutes later when I realized he had just left me outside and gone upstairs to bed… I began to cried. 8 years…does God really want me to go on unloved? My heart physically aches right now. I am praying desperately…I’m so confused…why must I suffer…what did I do? Did I do something awful in my past? I physically…emotionally have nothing left, I am drained…what does God want of me? I have nothing left to give to my husband. I am suffering so greatly…it hurts so badly…I keep focusing on Christs suffering on the Cross and it helps but I feel so weak. Do you think it’s possible God does not want me to suffer this way? Is it possible? This entire time I thought my suffering was part of my growth…but how much am I to endure?

Merry Chrisfmas everyone! Despite it all I am celebrating our savior the best I can : )
 
It really sounds like you both could benefit from counselling…are you both still living in japan? If you both feel homesick and miss your families it could be making little issues seem like huge problems
 
Nope, counseling has all been exhausted.

I’m not homesick. I’m a pretty level headed person about things. Yes, I miss my family but I don’t get over emotional. What disturbs me is my husbands lack of emotion…except for anger and annoyance…this incident just triggered a deep down realization that he is incapable of loving. Therefore, I reacted badly…I didn’t argue with him though. I just expressed how sad I was that he doesn’t care for his family and than I went outside. I only started crying once I realized he went upstairs to bed. We were suppose to be spending Christmas Eve together. Oh well. It’s not the first nor the last.
 
HoneyBea said:
Nope, counseling has all been exhausted.

I’m not homesick. I’m a pretty level headed person about things. Yes, I miss my family but I don’t get over emotional. What disturbs me is my husbands lack of emotion…except for anger and annoyance…this incident just triggered a deep down realization that he is incapable of loving. Therefore, I reacted badly…I didn’t argue with him though. I just expressed how sad I was that he doesn’t care for his family and than I went outside. I only started crying once I realized he went upstairs to bed. We were suppose to be spending Christmas Eve together. Oh well. It’s not the first nor the last.
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When you went outside it appears you chose to not to spend the evening with him. Now, you know that is not the case but he did not . Try loving him just the way he is. We cannot expect our mates to feel as we feel. God bless you, I know it is difficult but let go of these judgements and let God.

Merry Christmas
 
Oh Honey I’m so sorry for your heartache. That sounds frustrating… especially since it wasn’t an isolated incident but rather just compounded years of emotional apathy, selfishness, and general disconnectedness. Plus, a hopelessness of “this is just my life, forever.” I believe it’s a unique kind of loneliness that comes from having a spouse who is emotionally checked-out.
I’m glad you are trying to find the silver lining and focusing on Jesus during this time. Hopefully things will resolve one way or the other. Lots of hugs!!!
 
Some families just aren’t as close like you are to yours. It doesn’t mean that they don’t care. It means that they have a different way of showing that they care.

For instance, my family is your typical Midwestern aloof type. We hug. Well, I hug and they stand there and go along with it. We definitely don’t kiss each other. (We aren’t Italians). We try to call on Christmas or Birthdays, but it’s okay if we miss the actual day. Sometimes, we’ll go months w/out talking and we don’t think any less of each other. We just aren’t chatty and not much changes from month to month, so why spend the money to make a phone call?

When I was younger, I really wanted to marry into a family that wasn’t like this. One that was more affectionate/close. Instead, I married into a family where my husband has basically disowned most of his family. He likes to pretend that he’s an island and I have to remind him that just because he doesn’t like his family; sometimes, he’ll have to do things with mine. He knew my family came w/me when I married him.

So, I’ve worked hard to make our family is the affectionate family. We hug and kiss. I strive to talk to my husband every day - which when we are fighting is a major challenge because he does the cold shoulder really well. I cuddle with my son - a lot.

I’m sorry that you are going through this - especially on Christmas. It’s kind of sad that all I can do is give you an internet , but .
 
Your situation is tough, I know (was military for a long time). Civilians think that if you’re not in actual combat it’s just a walk in the park - Not so, you live with lots of pressures as a military couple. Listen to your friends here, talk with a Catholic Chaplaln. Keep your faith, Good luck.

I’m praying for you…

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen
 
HoneyBea said:
Just your typical sob story post. I just spent the last 1.5 hours crying to God I thought I’d give him a break,

It’s Christmas here…I’m sitting outside in the cold to get away from my husbamd. I skyped with my family and afterwards I suggested skyping with his family …his mom…brother and sister and he was more interested in watching a movie…he never talks to his family…there’s nothing wrong with them…he’s incredibly selfish with them the same way her is with me. He doesn’t know how to love. I got upset and tried to make him feel guilty because it’s Christmas and I thought he should reach out but the man could care less. This hurts me…I don’t want this man as the father of my children. So I went outside and I prayed and then about 30 minutes later when I realized he had just left me outside and gone upstairs to bed… I began to cried. 8 years…does God really want me to go on unloved? My heart physically aches right now. I am praying desperately…I’m so confused…why must I suffer…what did I do? Did I do something awful in my past? I physically…emotionally have nothing left, I am drained…what does God want of me? I have nothing left to give to my husband. I am suffering so greatly…it hurts so badly…I keep focusing on Christs suffering on the Cross and it helps but I feel so weak. Do you think it’s possible God does not want me to suffer this way? Is it possible? This entire time I thought my suffering was part of my growth…but how much am I to endure?

Merry Chrisfmas everyone! Despite it all I am celebrating our savior the best I can : )
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HoneyBea,
I am sorry for your struggles and I will pray for you. I would like to address what I have bolded in your original comment.

I said those same words about my husband 7 years ago. I had recently reverted, had been married (albeit, invalidly) for 16 years and was considering divorce. I had recently started seeing a priest, who suggested that maybe the case was my husband DID know how to love, and how he showed love was different that what I EXPECTED. Maybe the problem wasn’t him, but ME. :eek:

The priest recommended a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Languages of Love. It was probably one of the most helpful books I have ever read. It helped me to understand that hubby & I both really loved each other, we just did not show that love, or receive love from each other, the same way the other did. Once I realized this, I could adjust and understand his way of thinking, and we are now validly married and just celebrated our 22 anniversary! 😃

This priest also helped me to realize that I had some very serious “anger issues”, that were getting impeding my ability to love. Chapman has another book called Anger: Handling a Powerful Emotion in a Healthy Way, that has also helped me immensely to learn the causes of and how to control my anger.

Take this for what it’s worth, the opinion of one pour soul who has struggled with love and relationships her whole life. These 2 books, some wonderful “Companions on the Journey”, a lot of prayer, and God’s grace, changed my life forever.

Peace be with you on your journey & Merry Christmas.
 
Yes, even in the best circumstances, it’s generally a little difficult living in a foreign country, in part, due to the lack of support.

That’s hard. I’m sorry you’re dealing with this and moreso on Christmas! Gosh! :gopray:

Our Father who art in Heaven, hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come, thy will be done on Earth as it is in Heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from evil.

Amen
 
Thanks everyone!

Well I cried myself to sleep I couldn’t open my eyes this morning they were sealed shut with tears and I look like a puff fish lol but I am feeling better. I woke up angry and my husband came in the bedroom this morning to apologize and I didn’t want to accept his apology so we argued and He broke the door and left angry …so I prayed the rosary and I feel more at peace but the hurt still aches. I am trying to work myself up to be able to go downstairs and be loving and once again for the millionth time forgiving. Please pray for me.

And funny you recommend that movie my mother told me to watch it too!
 
It is incredibly sad…and incredibly draining on a person when a relationship is dying…
If not already dead… I had been there for a number of years… But with a new life for the past 12 years… There is sunshine after the storm… I would love to ask things…
But not my business I guess… Sometimes we must make really hard choices…
God bless...
 
Phil_Marinus said:
It is incredibly sad…and incredibly draining on a person when a relationship is dying…
If not already dead… I had been there for a number of years… But with a new life for the past 12 years… There is sunshine after the storm… I would love to ask things…
But not my business I guess… Sometimes we must make really hard choices…
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           God bless...
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Thank you for your kind words. It’s ok you can ask me what you want to if I don’t feel comfortable answering I won’t : ) and please don’t feel like you’re being intrusive I’m the one who put my business out there.

I agree about making hard choices…the problem is I don’t know what the right choice is.,right now I’m contemplating going home to the states to be with my parents for a few weeks or months…maybe I need some time alone. I don’t know.
 
HoneyBea said:
Thank you for your kind words. It’s ok you can ask me what you want to if I don’t feel comfortable answering I won’t : ) and please don’t feel like you’re being intrusive I’m the one who put my business out there.

I agree about making hard choices…the problem is I don’t know what the right choice is.,right now I’m contemplating going home to the states to be with my parents for a few weeks or months…maybe I need some time alone. I don’t know.
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Your last sentence is what I would suggest you to do…
If you are not treated with love and respect you deserve ,then what are you doing there ?
I know what entrapment is like…and it looks just like where you are…
But don’t just go mouthing off to him that you are leaving and won’t come back…
Because that may backfire on you… Just tell him you really love him etc… And just need a short break… Thought you might go home for ten days,because of blaa blaa…
And mum would like blaa blaa… Shopping etc…
You can P.M. Me if you wish… Think you said somewhere you are in Japan ?

Good luck… Think before you say… Think before you do… Think of how happy you deserve to be…
 
Oneofthewomen said:
HoneyBea,
I had recently started seeing a priest, who suggested that maybe the case was my husband DID know how to love, and how he showed love was different that what I EXPECTED. Maybe the problem wasn’t him, but ME. :eek:

The priest recommended a book by Gary Chapman called The Five Languages of Love. It was probably one of the most helpful books I have ever read. It helped me to understand that hubby & I both really loved each other, we just did not show that love, or receive love from each other, the same way the other did. Once I realized this, I could adjust and understand his way of thinking.
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Same thing happened to me, but we weren’t Catholic at the time and had to muddle through without a wise priest to help!

I thought I was unloved and that my husband was cold and unable to love. After many arguments, a lot of tears, a few close calls on the divorce front,some soul searching, then some open and honest communication, we figured out the problem was that we weren’t showing love in a way the other understood. Once we learned to understand how the other shows affection things greatly improved.

My husband may appear to be reserved and cold, but he’s actually quite sensitive to people he is close to. If we planned to spend Christmas Eve together and I went outside he would take that as rejection, be hurt, and probably go to bed, too.

If he realized later that I was hurt and apologized and I rejected his apology he would be even more hurt and act out angrily. Door slamming, leaving for a bit, etc.

One thing I have learned is that for a marriage to work one must learn to let go of things and forgive when an apology is offered. Within reason, of course. I wouldn’t let go and accept an apology for abuse or infidelity, but short of that I think married people need to get over themselves. When things are rough we tend to react emotionally and not think. We need to take a look at our behavior, decide what the desired result really is, and then discern if our behavior will realistically achieve that result.

For example, when I am hurt I get distant and snotty. I want my DH to apologize, tell me how he loves me and cannot live without me, and generally make me feel better. Turns out, being snotty because I am hurt and lashing out isn’t a good way to get the result I want. So, I have had to learn to feel what I feel, but not act out. Instead, I simply tell him I am hurt tempted to act out, and ask for the love and reassurance I need.
 
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