Another post from a frustrated single

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I am 40 never married and since I am a practicing Catholic no kids. I am a woman and I know a lot of men my age want a younger woman because they want kids. I have chosen to learn to accept that because after all, these men are entitled to their opinions.

Well, one day I was at the gym doing streches on this machine. A big (not fat but not total muscle either) hairy man came up to me and said ‘how is the strech’ and I said ‘good thanks’.

Well, I find this guy physically repulsive. Also, he had an accent and I have no idea what country he is from but it was not an attractive accent either. A few days later I was streching again and he walk by and said ‘We’ve met here before’

Well now, it is at the point when he walks by he says ‘hi’ as if it is normal because we know each other.

I must admit I do find it flattering because I do not ‘get hit on’ ever. However, everytime I see him from the corner of my eye, I hope he does not see me. I have no interest and half the time I bite my tongue from coming out and telling him I do not want to talk to him.

Here is the problem. If the tables were turned and I made polite conversation with a man and he though I was totally disgusting, I would be crushed as if there is no tomorrow. After all, he is a child of God and in God’s world he has the exact look God wants him to have. I just feel tremendous guilt and I don’t like to feel this way.

If God’s will is for me to be single, I am willing to learn to pray for acceptance. But sometimes I think ‘If God wants me to be single, why is he putting crushes in men’s heart when he knows I don’t feel the same way?’ I have decided a long time ago to do my best to accept being single because in my opinion it is better than the frustration of trying for something that just does not seem meant to be.

Arrrrggggg the frustration

CM

 

[s4angel]

ok, so what if that single man was a totaly nice guy? what do you want bells and whistles?
Do you think god would ever put you in the position of being tempted out of your ability to be temted? uh, no.

I am reminded of a story of a person in a flood and praying to the lord to save him… the first boat comes along and the person says "no, I am waiting on the lord… so goes a few others and finnaly the man drowns, in heaven the lord tells him, maby you should have taken the boats I sent to save you!

I think we put to much into instant attraction and the so called chemistry bit, most of the time it fails, we are so totaly in love then for some reason we no longer feel “in love” and the feeling dies… give them a chance, maby they totaly get you beyond the attraction and if not what does a simple hello and courtesy cost you?

 

[cmscms]

Hi s4angel,

I am glad you responded and I hope you don’t take my response as a critique. It is simply an explanation as to how I feel

I am totally aware that chances are he is a real nice guy. I am not asking for bells and whistles yet I think there is a big difference between ‘totally repulsed’ and ‘not instantly attracted’. I would settle for a ‘he is not that good looking but comes across as a nice guy’

As for God telling the man in Heaven ‘I sent you a lot of boats’, the day I am in Heaven I will be SOOOOOOO happy I made it, the fact that I spent my time on earth single will be water under the bridge

A friendly hello costs me nothing. The reason I cant give him a chance is because of the few men I dated, I always knew they werent for me and I just caused them a lot of pain and myself a lot of humiliation. I know myself and when I let the wall down, one day out of boredom I will accept a date. When I suspect a man might be interested and I dont feel the same way, I dont know how to give a friendly hello without leading them on. As humiliating as it is to admit this, I end up leading them on to feed my ego. And that is the behaviour I want to stop. I want to treat these people with more respect

I hope you understand my whole intention is to stop negative behaviour
CM

 

[vera_dicere]

Well, what harm would it do you or him if you had a little more conversation than just “hi” and “good stretch”?

I’m 28, single, never had a boyfriend, and not exactly the “prize pig at the fair”, but I’ll happily converse with any man because well, he could be my future husband despite his appearance, and I’d hate to fob him off because he didnt meet some socially programmed standard of appearance.

The other side of the coin is, looks don’t last. Even attractive men can fall prey to gluttony and bouts of bad skin. The ugliest man alive could be the nicest.

Whereas, some attractive people are arrogant and are ugly on the inside, and that’s what really matters, what’s on the inside.

As for your wanting to cease negative behaviour, the best way to stop negative behaviour is to enforce positive behaviour. So, by being friendly, maybe getting coffee, or discussing exercises you might begin to both learn more about him, yourself and break down the negative habits you migth have or think others have.

Just go with the flow, chances are you are not “attracted” to him because you don’t know enough about him!

 

[Moscati]

No guy will try indefinitely, I promise. Even the most persistent (and the ugliest) guys have a limit, and a little pride. Just keep being polite, and utterly disinterested.

Alternatively, if it bothers you that much, could you change your workout time? So you don’t run into him?

(I second the “he might really be nice” suggestions, but am trying to be practically helpful).

 

[Musicadmirer]

I agree with the other posts.

Other than that, Moscati, I like your signature quote

 

[CAnnElizabeth]

Sounds to me that your conscience already knows what it/you should be doing, at least as far as responding to this person in a kind way, acknowledging that he is a child of God, deserving of at least that affirmation and courtesy.

You don’t have to date him – you do have to return courtesy and show respect.

There are a zillion resource on the web for either accepting dates or turning them down – but a kind smile and brief conversation certainly commits you to nothing.

 

[dakotagirl]

Sounds to me that your conscience already knows what it/you should be doing, at least as far as responding to this person in a kind way, acknowledging that he is a child of God, deserving of at least that affirmation and courtesy.

You don’t have to date him – you do have to return courtesy and show respect.

There are a zillion resource on the web for either accepting dates or turning them down – but a kind smile and brief conversation certainly commits you to nothing.

Exactly .
People, the OP should NOT be coerced into thinking that she should in any way consider dating him simply because he is nice. Really, everybody can be considered “nice” sometimes, anyway .
So cms, I think you did the right thing in coming here to get this off your chest. A priest once told me that all you need to do is be courteous, and then if and when he says something that is when you redirect him. Hehe, it makes MY life much easier .

 

[Beth_Martin]

I am 40 never married and since I am a practicing Catholic no kids. I am a woman and I know a lot of men my age want a younger woman because they want kids. I have chosen to learn to accept that because after all, these men are entitled to their opinions.

Well, one day I was at the gym doing streches on this machine. A big (not fat but not total muscle either) hairy man came up to me and said ‘how is the strech’ and I said ‘good thanks’.

Well, I find this guy physically repulsive. Also, he had an accent and I have no idea what country he is from but it was not an attractive accent either. A few days later I was streching again and he walk by and said ‘We’ve met here before’

Well now, it is at the point when he walks by he says ‘hi’ as if it is normal because we know each other.

I must admit I do find it flattering because I do not ‘get hit on’ ever. However, everytime I see him from the corner of my eye, I hope he does not see me. I have no interest and half the time I bite my tongue from coming out and telling him I do not want to talk to him.

Here is the problem. If the tables were turned and I made polite conversation with a man and he though I was totally disgusting, I would be crushed as if there is no tomorrow. After all, he is a child of God and in God’s world he has the exact look God wants him to have. I just feel tremendous guilt and I don’t like to feel this way.

If God’s will is for me to be single, I am willing to learn to pray for acceptance. But sometimes I think ‘If God wants me to be single, why is he putting crushes in men’s heart when he knows I don’t feel the same way?’ I have decided a long time ago to do my best to accept being single because in my opinion it is better than the frustration of trying for something that just does not seem meant to be.

Arrrrggggg the frustration

CM

Perhaps those thoughts are not from God? Just a thought. My suggestion would be to sign up on a trusted “online dating site” that matches people with similar religious beliefs; because in the end that will determine how compatible you are with someone unless religion doesn’t mean that much. Again; only my 2 cents worth.

 

[JerrySeibert]

Cm, my brother is just like you. He is somewhat of an introvert. Very quiet always keeps to himself. What he determined from 25 years of attempted dating and countless hookups with ‘the one’ that someone else picked for him.
He is happy. He is single, no children but, he has a job, gives back to the Community and is active in the Church. He believes he is right where God want’s him to be. He has told me that not all people who are not married automatically have a vocation to a Priest/Brother or Sister.
He told me that it may be what God wanted him to be. Single and spiritual. Which let’s face the facts that is a rare combination. As most singles I ever knew were party hounds.
Talk to the man, to get to your original question. You have treated him respectfully. If he is not ‘the one’ does he know the one and God put him in your life to lead you to the ‘one’.
God bless on your journey.

 

[Jay82]

As most singles I ever knew were party hounds.
Talk to the man, to get to your original question. You have treated him respectfully. If he is not ‘the one’ does he know the one and God put him in your life to lead you to the ‘one’.
God bless on your journey.

I think Jerry brings up a good point. You never know what being friendly with this guy will bring. Maybe he’ll have a friend that you hit it off with or like. Maybe he’ll just open you up to something new in life or give you a new perspective on things. You may not find him attractive and may never date him, but it never hurts to make a new acquiantance. Just be friendly and nice and see what happens.

If I was in your situation and a girl I was not really attracted to asked me out, I would say yes to one date. I feel like if a person gets the courage to ask you out they deserve one date unless there was something really alarming about them during your initial meeting (such as when a woman has grabbed my butt to get my attention - something that has happened to me on many occasions). If it didn’t work out after the date, you never know who that person may be friends with and who you may meet through them.

For instance… a few years ago a guy friend of mine who plays sports met another guy at a bar who had just moved to the states from Europe. They got to talking casually about sports and my friend invited him to come out and play on his team. The guy from Europe accepted the offer and because of that met his future wife (coed team). That random chance meeting at a bar led to him finding his wife…such a simple little thing led to one of the most significant things in his life. It is pretty remarkable to think about.

I believe things happen for a reason, don’t be afraid to find out where something may lead.

 

[TedDC]

Exactly .
People, the OP should NOT be coerced into thinking that she should in any way consider dating him simply because he is nice. Really, everybody can be considered “nice” sometimes, anyway .
So cms, I think you did the right thing in coming here to get this off your chest. A priest once told me that all you need to do is be courteous, and then if and when he says something that is when you redirect him. Hehe, it makes MY life much easier .

I agree - and I’m saying that as a very unattractive guy; you know, the kind that makes women say “Eeeewwww…”.

Physical attraction IS important in developing a relationship, and if someone doesn’t “work” for you in that regard, there’s no point in wasting your time or his.

 

[PatriceA]

I would find it a little creepy if the only time this man was coming up to me in the gym was when I was stretching on a machine. That would be a red flag to me.

 

[Jay82]

I would find it a little creepy if the only time this man was coming up to me in the gym was when I was stretching on a machine. That would be a red flag to me.

That is definitely understandable. Nowadays so many people are listening to music while they work out, it is almost impossible to start up conversation with others if you wanted to do so.

 

[Sierrah]

Nothing says you have to date him. I’m in the same boat. Only the ones I’m not interested in show interest. The ones I like end up with friends of mine. I’ve had it happen to me 3xs this year. I’ve given up on being married or kids. It’s just not in the cards for me I guess. I also avoid dating guys from the gym never had any luck there.

 

[Nanny_PK]

Nothing says you have to date him. I’m in the same boat. Only the ones I’m not interested in show interest. The ones I like end up with friends of mine. I’ve had it happen to me 3xs this year. I’ve given up on being married or kids. It’s just not in the cards for me I guess. I also avoid dating guys from the gym never had any luck there.

Ditto!!! The ones I’m interested in come to ask me questions about my friends that they want to date. I’m everybody’s “buddy.”

Oh, well. I’m always open to meeting new people – a friend told me yesterday she had someone she wanted to introduce me to. I’m not actively looking, but I need to be open to whatever God’s plan is for me – to be single or married.

 

[cmscms]

I think Jerry brings up a good point. You never know what being friendly with this guy will bring. Maybe he’ll have a friend that you hit it off with or like. QUOTE]

Well. I think the guy who played soccer and met his wife is a cute story but you are forgetting one VERY important point. Your friend was a guy asking a guy to play soccer.

I think that being friends with this guy hoping he has a cute buddy would be cruel. Nothing use to hurt me more than men being too shy to talk to my good looking woman friends so asking for my number to get to them. That is just using people.

 

[Jay82]

Jay82;6570287:

I think that being friends with this guy hoping he has a cute buddy would be cruel. Nothing use to hurt me more than men being too shy to talk to my good looking woman friends so asking for my number to get to them. That is just using people.

I am not suggesting to use him to see if he has friends you may be interested in, but if he genuinely seems like a nice guy, then there is no reason not to become friends with him, as long as you are up front with your intentions. If you have no interest in him at all, friends or otherwise, then it would be good to sever contact.

Basically I was just saying to be open minded because you never know when a random situation will turn into something really great.

 

[cmscms]

Hi Jay82,

Thanks for clearing that up

CM