Another question about annullment

[dermot2]

I’ve posted here before but never asked about anullment as it relates to my situation.

Married over 30 years; we’re both Catholic. I was only nineteen at the time of marriage and H was 21. From the beginning he insisted I be on some sort of birth control, preferably the pill, which I refused to take; however we did use other firms of contraception because he adamantly did not want children. He preferred that we both work and save for a house. About a year into the marriage he became verbally abusive, critical and controlling – we separated at the five year mark but got back together after six months.

I can honestly say that after thirty years of trying --perservering really and praying alot for the gift of being able to be happy this marriage – I have not had single moment of real joy as his wife. Too many memories of being yelled at, slapped ( about ten times in thirty years) and controlled. Also he stopped being intimate with me at age 34 and we’re now in our fifties.

SO after all these years and retirement looming, I have nothint to show for it all - no happy memories, no children, no sex. And now my H has multiple sclerosis and expects me to stick it out in misery for my remaining days.

I can’t. I’m depressed, full of regrets and very frightended. I want to start over and try to eke out some happiness late in life if possible.

If I divorce my husband, will I be able to get an annullment given the fact that he never wanted children and withheld intimacy to make sure it never happened?

Would a priest tell me to stay because of his MS?

thanks

 

[1ke]

If I divorce my husband, will I be able to get an annullment given the fact that he never wanted children and withheld intimacy to make sure it never happened?

Maybe.

A permanent intention against children is grounds for nullity. It is a defect of intent, and possibly consent. It is fraud if he had this intent and did not tell you until after you were married. All of this has to be sorted out through the tribunal process after a divorce.

Divorce is messy, costly, and may not bring you all the things you think it will. Many people think they will be happy after a divorce and are not. Only you can decide if this is truly what you must do.

Would a priest tell me to stay because of his MS?

No one here can say what individual priests may or may not counsel you to do. Certainly they would spend time delving into the situation much more thoroughly than can be done here on a forum.

Talk to your priest and see what guidance he can give you.

 

[iluvmybabies]

I’ve posted here before but never asked about anullment as it relates to my situation.

Married over 30 years; we’re both Catholic. I was only nineteen at the time of marriage and H was 21. From the beginning he insisted I be on some sort of birth control, preferably the pill, which I refused to take; however we did use other firms of contraception because he adamantly did not want children. He preferred that we both work and save for a house. About a year into the marriage he became verbally abusive, critical and controlling – we separated at the five year mark but got back together after six months.

I can honestly say that after thirty years of trying --perservering really and praying alot for the gift of being able to be happy this marriage – I have not had single moment of real joy as his wife. Too many memories of being yelled at, slapped ( about ten times in thirty years) and controlled. Also he stopped being intimate with me at age 34 and we’re now in our fifties.

SO after all these years and retirement looming, I have nothint to show for it all - no happy memories, no children, no sex. And now my H has multiple sclerosis and expects me to stick it out in misery for my remaining days.

I can’t. I’m depressed, full of regrets and very frightended. I want to start over and try to eke out some happiness late in life if possible.

If I divorce my husband, will I be able to get an annullment given the fact that he never wanted children and withheld intimacy to make sure it never happened?

Would a priest tell me to stay because of his MS?

thanks

My goodness, I am deeply sorry you are in such a difficult situation…Why did you stay with him so long if you were being abused?? Just wondering…sorry for being nosy…

I think that you need/should speak with your priest and ask him for his advice…Since you were in an abusive situation and no love making should be more than enough to help you seek out more information about an annulment with a priest or a tribunal member, depending on what they feel and say maybe it can be named as an “invalid” marriage and help you get through an annulment…

Is there any other way?? I mean would he be willing to go to counseling? Just wondering…If not then I would also seek to speak with a nun or someone in a tribunal… I spoke with all 3 after my divorce to get an annulment… I was in a similar relationship except mine never wanted God’s blessing through the church… But God had another plan and it was for the best!! Anyhow, so speak with your priest and good luck! God bless and hope everything works out well…

 

[1ke]

I know that since it was not really a “valid” marriage and you were in an abusive situation and no love making should be more than enough to help you get through an annulment…

Please be careful with advice regarding nullity. You do not “know” that it was not a valid marriage. You do not know what the tribunal might rule. Things that happen *during *the marriage are not grounds for nullity.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Please be careful with advice regarding nullity. You do not “know” that it was not a valid marriage. You do not know what the tribunal might rule. Things that happen *during *the marriage are not grounds for nullity.

Well she said that he was abusive, and that there was no love making, so perhaps they might rule it as a not valid marriage…AND yes that’s why I advised for her to speak with her priest, or someone from the tribunal and they could best quide her…I edited what I wrote…sorry

 

[dermot2]

Why did I stay?

I think because I hid the abuse from my family, they weren’t aware and therefore weren’t able to help me get out.

I was always a high achiever in school and didn’t want to be seen as a failure, I guess. Also the years of verbal abuse eradicated my self-esteem and confidence in my ability to be happy on my own.

Have you ever heard of “Stockholm syndrome?” It’s common in abusive relationships – the abused person continually returns to their abuser because it feels better for the period when the abuser is being kind or remorseful. But then the abuser starts up again and the cycle repeats itself endlessly.

When H was dx with MS in 2002, I prayed and told God I would stick it out to the end to the best of my ability, but after that H did some pretty terrible things to me, and ever since then I’ve felt nothing for him except compassion. No love as a wife.

I’ve been trying to leave for the past five years, but have felt terribly guilty about leaving someone with a chronic and progressive disease. He’s not totally disabled, but needs canes to get around and will likely be wheel-chair bound in a few years.

I feel that I’m damned if I stay and damned if I don’t. And all because I didn’t leave years and years ago. Talk about a wasted and ruined life… for both of us.

 

[iluvmybabies]

Why did I stay?

I think because I hid the abuse from my family, they weren’t aware and therefore weren’t able to help me get out.

OMG I did the same thing!! But eventually I came out and told them and my mother reminded me of her being abused and “till death do us part” so I kept taking it

I was always a high achiever in school and didn’t want to be seen as a failure, I guess. Also the years of verbal abuse eradicated my self-esteem and confidence in my ability to be happy on my own.

Oh my, I did that too!! I was always told by my mother that if you “can’t keep a husband then you are a failure not just as a wife but a woman!!” SO I didn’t want my marriage to end and me be a failure!!

Have you ever heard of “Stockholm syndrome?” It’s common in abusive relationships – the abused person continually returns to their abuser because it feels better for the period when the abuser is being kind or remorseful. But then the abuser starts up again and the cycle repeats itself endlessly.

Yes I have heard it, all they did for me when I went to seek help was prescribe anti-depressant pills!! Took them for 6 months then started losing all of my hair so I got myself out of the depression and started living, soon after I left my ex

When H was dx with MS in 2002, I prayed and told God I would stick it out to the end to the best of my ability, but after that H did some pretty terrible things to me, and ever since then I’ve felt nothing for him except compassion. No love as a wife.

Yes I actually told my ex one time that I was with him because of our children but that if he continued to abuse our daughter emotionally that I was going to leave. I told him do what you want to me but don’t involve the children… He didn’t listen…He thought it was funny and a joke to traumatize our daughter and turn her into what she is fighting against now! Soon after I lost compassion and respect as well as felt nothing but disgust over him…I could have been paralized after my accident but let me tell you GOD had mercy on me and thanks to Him I can walk, if that would have happened I know my ex would have left me, I mean he wouldn’t even see me as a woman any more…It was very difficult and I couldn’t take it, I left…

I’ve been trying to leave for the past five years, but have felt terribly guilty about leaving someone with a chronic and progressive disease. He’s not totally disabled, but needs canes to get around and will likely be wheel-chair bound in a few years.

I think you should speak with your priest, let him guide you and if you can reach a nun or tribunal member they can help you as well…

I feel that I’m damned if I stay and damned if I don’t. And all because I didn’t leave years and years ago. Talk about a wasted and ruined life… for both of us.

No not necessarily think of it as experience, and knowledge…It was a tough and difficult road but now you are wiser and more experienced in life you will know what makes you happy and if the priest and tribunal advise you to proceed for an annulment, and you do receive it then just keep in contact out of respect with your exhusband and treat him kindly and with love; but you will know what makes you happy and that is what you will be able to seek out…and God willing live a wonderfully happy life!! If they advice against it, make the best of it…God knows what He’s doing and He has other plans…Try to keep yourself occupied and think that you still stayed and loved this man in a different way after all those years and you will feel better about yourself because you sacrificed for someone else…And hopefully you can start over soon…And have a wonderfully fulfilled life after words… I will keep you in my prayers… I hope what I advised didn’t offend anyone…Sorry if it did… I do wish you the best and hope things work out for the best for you! God bless!

 

[Ruthie]

Wow. You are in a bad situation. My heart goes out to you. I’m afraid my post won’t be a lot good news.

As far as I know, a tribunal will not look at a marriage unless there has been a divorce.

More bad news:
Another thing that will unfortunately happen is that people who have only seen the surface will probably judge you to be leaving because of the MS.

Having said that, it sounds to me as if you owe this man nothing. He has treated you badly for far too long, and now expects you to magically become a caring, loving nurse? Ptooey. Get out.

Your marriage sounds invalid to me, but proving it is another thing. You need to find witnesses to say that he went into the marriage with the intent to deny God children. It’s not what happens after the wedding that counts; it’s your intentions on the wedding day. Hopefully, you are still in touch with someone who knew him back then.

Praying for you,

Ruthie

 

[OutinChgoburbs]

Even if you don’t get a decree of nullity, you can still receive Communion after a divorce, as long as you don’t remarry.

Here are the ten myths of annulment. I would also recommend, if possible, you get the book, Annulment: The Wedding That Was, and arrange a meeting with your priest or a good Catholic counselor- along with a good attorney, and possibly the folks at the women’s shelter. Those people will be able to tell you more correctly about your circumstances than anybody here at CAF.