Another stage of grief

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My dad died 13 months ago. Two months after that, my best friend died. As much as I miss them both, I am somewhat at peace with it because I know it was for the best. Both of their healths were failling and I know they are in Heaven. Well, my dad I am sure since I did a plenary indulgence, as for my best friend, I know he will be there soon.

Well… my mom just sold the house and last week moved into a seniors residence 180 miles away from the house she bought when I was 3. I know my mom is in a good place. However… I have been very sad lately and also easily angered. I could not figure it out for days until it hit me today. I feel like the rug has been pulled out from beneath me. I am one of thoses fortunate people who always knew their parents had a strong marriage. I also alway liked the fact that no matter how much I moved around, my parents home has always been in the same place. And now at 42, I feel like my childhood has been shattered. I feel like the little kid no one wanted to play with and everyone is stealing my toys. It hurts to feel like my safe place is gone. I just feel it is almost harder to face the fact I will never sleep in that house again than to face my dad’s death.

My mom was always a VERY clean housekeeper and never let us go through her drawers. After my dad died, she loosened up and let us wear our shoes in the house and go through all the drawers. It was fun to rebel (ie shoes in the house) and go through my dad’s things and find all those memories and the gifts I gave him ober the years. I actually found a bottle of rum in one of his travel bags and had a good laugh with my mom. My dad barely drinks which is why the almost full bottle was there. And now, that is gone.

Also she moved closer to my brother so there is sibling rivalry and jealously he will see more of her than me.

So here I am facing another difficult time and hating the feelings.

CM
 
Of course you are grieving, that is the house of your childhood! When we go and visit my hometown, I always drive by the house I grew up in, and so does my husband when we visit his hometown. I took my sons there and we even went up and rang the doorbell, hoping that whoever lives there now would let us in for a moment, but no one answered. I’m kind of glad for that, because it would have been rude to ask such a thing!

I “only” had my childhood home for about 25 years - my father re-married, sold the house and moved to another state. By then I was living on my own and hadn’t spent much time at the house for a long time. But you’ve had your parents’ house in your life for a very long time…it’s like a family member in a way. The repository of all those memories.

When we moved from the house our sons grew up in, I got very depressed, because I felt as if I were leaving all those memories behind. I could not touch them any more, see them - how my older son ran across the carpet just there and broke a bone in his leg…How he learned to walk by holding onto the coffee table…When he got chicken pox and gave it to his brother, and I gave them oatmeal baths for itching…and on and on…All of it was in that house. My husband and the boys didn’t quite understand, but I was ATTACHED to the house because it was my memory bank. All of the memories surrounded me every day. It was all there. When we left, it was simply gone. I felt apart.

After 2 years, I still consider that house “my other house.” :o I think it always will be. I put my heart and soul into that house and it still hurts that we left. Don’t get me wrong, this house is home now, but it will never have THOSE memories. Just like my childhood memories are all at that other house, in another state, long since sold to others.

One thing that may help is to find the house on Google Earth. Somehow, looking around my childhood neighborhood from an aerial perspective, cemented a lot of memories in place. I can walk the streets again in my mind, and it’s in the past, so it’s even better, because now my old neighborhood isn’t such a nice neighborhood, with more crime, etc. Put a marker on it, so you can go back and “visit” in that virtual way, and remember the good times.

I hope this helps you. It is a real grief, and needs to be acknowledged like any other loss.
 
Thank you for this thread. I too lost both parents to cancer, much too close together, and had to sell my childhood home. As if it wasn’t enough to lose both parents, to have strangers coming and taking away their stuff for a few bucks caused me to cry each time. To have to wash that door frame that had my growing marked in my dad’s hand writing. It was just wrong to erase that. How very difficult to close the door, close the gate, and know I couldn’t ever come back. There are a lot of people who never knew what it was to have that stability, that safe place that never changed, was always there. What a blessing it was! Not many can understand the extent of such an uprooting and loss.

Offer your grief and loss for the conversion of sinners and peace in this world as Our Lady of Fatima asked of us. This is indeed a cross that is so uprooting, many cannot understand it, and it can be lonely that others can’t understand it. Think of Our Lady, who had to stay behind after her Son had left this earth. To live with John, she would have had to leave all things familiar and that place that held the most memories for her of her life with Jesus and Joseph. I’m sure it was a pain that she knew intimately.

In the last years of my dad’s life, I watched him let go of many things he loved, one by one. In the last months, he was ready to go to God, he had let go of everything. As we go through this process, we are getting ready for heaven our true home, like he did. Our security and safety must be transferred to God now, as we see things on this earth really are passing here. It’s a process, a struggle. Hugs to you as you find a ‘new normal’.
 
Ugh - this is a preview of what I will be in for when my mother’s health starts to fail (God willing, not for many, many years into the future, I hope!)

I coped pretty well with my Dad’s death because she was there for me as a support, and she’s got the house that I grew up in. (They were divorced when I was 13.)

I’m going to be a total mess when I lose my Mom. 😦

So, I totally sympathize with you. May God and His angels comfort you and bring you to a place of peace and security.
 
jmcrae said:
Ugh - this is a preview of what I will be in for when my mother’s health starts to fail (God willing, not for many, many years into the future, I hope!)

I coped pretty well with my Dad’s death because she was there for me as a support, and she’s got the house that I grew up in. (They were divorced when I was 13.)

I’m going to be a total mess when I lose my Mom. 😦

So, I totally sympathize with you. May God and His angels comfort you and bring you to a place of peace and security.
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You don’t know that. Everyone is different. Besides, the Lord may come back before you ever have that problem to deal with. “Do not worry about tomorrow; sufficient for the day is its own evil.”
 
cmscms said:
…I have been very sad lately and also easily angered. I could not figure it out for days until it hit me today…I just feel it is almost harder to face the fact I will never sleep in that house again than to face my dad’s death…So here I am facing another difficult time and hating the feelings…
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You have the title right… It’s another part of your dad’s death to face. I’m sorry for your loss. Figuring out what it is that is hurting is surely part of getting through it, though. We get through the hard things on this side of Heaven together, and with God’s help. Hang in there, and hang on to God, and know you’re in our prayers.
 
EasterJoy said:
You have the title right… It’s another part of your dad’s death to face. I’m sorry for your loss. Figuring out what it is that is hurting is surely part of getting through it, though. We get through the hard things on this side of Heaven together, and with God’s help. Hang in there, and hang on to God, and know you’re in our prayers.
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My favourite verse of Scripture. 🙂

Thank you, you’re very kind.
 
jmcrae said:
I’m going to be a total mess when I lose my Mom. 😦

.
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This is off topic but since I am the OP I can deviate 😃

Don’t EVER underestimate God’s mercy. I had a ‘rocky’ relationship with my Dad (whole other topic). I never knew how I would handle his death. And I look back and I honestly can see how good God was to me and how ‘In due time I will act swiftly’ is so true.

My dad was ready to go and he told me. I had the chance to tell my dad ‘perhaps if you want to go you should make your peace with God’ so I have no regrets. I knew I did what I could to bring dad to God. And finally… as much as some may think this is weird, I personally closed my dad’s coffing and I know I was the one who was there for him until the end.

You have NO idea how your mom’s passing will play out.

CM
 
TheRealJuliane said:
One thing that may help is to find the house on Google Earth.
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It was a private sale to a family friend and we are welcom anytime to go visit. However, that town is an 8 hour drive from where I am and a 3 hour drive from where my mom now lives. We really have no reason to go there except for visiting the house. And we would have to stay in a hotel (my mom and I no longer have the money we use too - another story) and with only 2 weeks vacation/ year, that does not leave much time for that.

And honestly, I asked the buyers to come for coffee because I knew the guy and I wanted to meet his wife. All she talked about was the remodelling she was going to do. I see her point but I did not appreciate her ‘Those old cupbaords from the 60s’ attitude. I am scared, I won’t contain myself around her

CM
 
Change is the hardest thing to deal with. It’s constant and cruel.
 
cmscms said:
It was a private sale to a family friend and we are welcom anytime to go visit. However, that town is an 8 hour drive from where I am and a 3 hour drive from where my mom now lives. We really have no reason to go there except for visiting the house. And we would have to stay in a hotel (my mom and I no longer have the money we use too - another story) and with only 2 weeks vacation/ year, that does not leave much time for that.

And honestly, I asked the buyers to come for coffee because I knew the guy and I wanted to meet his wife. All she talked about was the remodelling she was going to do. I see her point but I did not appreciate her ‘Those old cupbaords from the 60s’ attitude. I am scared, I won’t contain myself around her

CM
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I totally understand. The man who bought MY house (it’s still MY house!) is English, and they have a penchant for renovation. So I suspect that he will do things to the inside. He was very good during closing, told me that when he first was shown the house, he could sense that it was “full of love.” It still brings me to tears when I think of it, he was very kind about my concern…I did not cry, which I am quite happy about. I cried a LOT when we moved and up to the time when we sold, but I had several months to work through my emotions because we didn’t put it on the market immediately.

Our next door neighbors at that house were visited by the previous owners on a regular basis, for a while. I suspect it was a similar situation - I seem to remember that their children had grown up there and the older children wanted to visit the house. They would call first and then come by to visit the house. It seemed odd to me and the current owners were very gracious to allow this.

As I think about it more, when selling a home that has been in the family a long time, or has many memories connected with it, it would be a good discussion to have with the buyer, perhaps arrange for one more visit to fully say “goodbye…” I’m thinking that if the buyer had already done some remodeling, the sellers might feel as if the circle had closed and it was no longer “my house.” Alas, we didn’t set that up and it would be weird to contact him now.

One funny thing happened last week - I had ordered something from an online website and UPS said they had delivered it, but there was no sign of it…I realized that I hadn’t ever changed our address on that website and UPS had delivered it to our OLD HOUSE!! Well, it’s only a mile away so I buzzed over there, and sure enough, the package was there, but behind a wrought iron gate that shuts in the front walkway…The gate was locked and the owner wasn’t home…What to do? I needed the package for my son’s high school graduation the next day…I got something from my car and fished the package outside the gate, and grabbed it. Hope the neighbors didn’t see me! 😉
 
Buck_Crosswhite said:
Change is the hardest thing to deal with. It’s constant and cruel.
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An important part of lessening our suffering in this life, though, is to accept that change is a part of life. Grief is not wrong, some grief is inevitable and just something we have to work through, there is nothing wrong with that, but it is possible to increase our own suffering by refusing to accept that adapting to new circumstances is one of the tasks of our lives, that we aren’t guaranteed to enjoy those blessings we have come to love as long as we might like.

It is hard to bury our parents, but a visit to the cemetery yesterday reminded me that some that went before me had to bury their children, too. If I hadn’t lived long enough to bury my mother, wouldn’t that have left her with the grief of having to bury me? Wouldn’t that have left her without me to take care of her? Those of us who get to take care of our parents as they approach death and who have good relationships with our parents when they reach that time are fortunate ones, in that way. Not everyone gets that.

Those are thoughts that come after a fitting period of grief, though. It is not wrong to feel sadness at the passing of someone or something good that has helped us through this vale of tears, even among those of us who have the hope of everlasting life and unending joy. It is only wrong for our souls when we choose to sit in sadness at length, at the expense of thankfulness and a return to life. At that point, that is at the point when we realize we have tried but aren’t able to let go by ourselves, we need to get help in letting go. The world needs us to return to life at some point, because we have work to do that we are meant to do in the hope and joy that comes from the knowledge of the Resurrection.

I think that people try to rush their mourning more often than not, though. Grief is hard, but it is wired into us, I think it is part of touching our deep longing for everlasting life and unending joy, and it has its place.
 
In 1999, my mother came to visit us where we currently live. She did not seem herself, and in fact, she died one morning at our home. We live 6 hours away from her home and the rest of our family. Months after the funeral, I went up there again, for us to start going through my parents things. (My father had died 18 years earlier.) We sorted, donated, “bargained” with each other over what we wanted. I stayed in the house, the only home I had known, on that visit and again at Christmas with my husband and children. By Thanksgiving, we had decided to sell the house, but I held one last get together for our family there on New Years Eve. It was kind of bittersweet of course, mourning my mom not being there, as well as knowing we wouldn’t be back there again… The new Millenium was going to be one big change for us. We sold the house for less than we should have, considering the price of houses kept going up at a crazy rate at that time, but it was done. Whenever we go back to visit family, we always drive by the house. It’s a different color now. They have a new garage and a fence for the dog we never had.

Over time, the pangs have lessened. It has become less of a home and more of a house. I had a friend who moved around a lot as a child, and I never had done so. I asked her how she could stand that. She told me that a house was just a house. It was the people in it, and the things about you that made the home. She was, of course, correct.

cmscms, as others have said, you are right, it is a stage of grief. But I can tell you that time will change how you feel. Eventually, you will not feel the same way. And it will not hurt to look back and think about the house you called home. Because really, it was never really about the house at all. May God bless you and comfort you in your grief.
 
Irishmom2 said:
cmscms, as others have said, you are right, it is a stage of grief. But I can tell you that time will change how you feel. Eventually, you will not feel the same way. And it will not hurt to look back and think about the house you called home. Because really, it was never really about the house at all. May God bless you and comfort you in your grief.
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Thank you. And I know it is not about the house. It is easier to be mad at the house than to face my grief.

Everytime I went home, I would listen the the records I had as a kid/teenager. Yes my mom still had the record player. She asked if I wanted them when she moved. It is an old palyer and I have limited space so I said ‘No but don’t throw them out until you leave’.

Last time I went home, they were gone. My mom had the opportunity to send a lot of stuff to recycle and it was more convenient to just get rid of it then. One morning at breakfast I blew my lid over the record player. It was not a pleasant half an hour, but I will never forget how it ended. I said to my mom ‘Can you not see this has nothing to do with the record player and it is all about my grief over loosing dad’

CM
 
Dear cmscms,

I pray for you in your moment of grief and loss… May God give you comfort and solace…
 
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