Answering the "how are you?" question

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nobody

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Okay, I know that the vast majority of the time when someone says, “Hi, How are you?” that it is not a real question but only a formality, and you are supposed to say, “I’m fine, how are you?” or something like that.

But what if it is a real question, asked by someone who cares (family or friend) who is genuinely concerned about you? If you are not well, must you tell them the truth? I can think of a couple reasons for not answering truthfully: 1) you don’t want to bother them with your problems or 2) you are embarrased, or are afraid you might start crying and really get embarassed. Are these good enough reasons to avoid telling the truth?
 
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nobody:
Okay, I know that the vast majority of the time when someone says, “Hi, How are you?” that it is not a real question but only a formality, and you are supposed to say, “I’m fine, how are you?” or something like that.

But what if it is a real question, asked by someone who cares (family or friend) who is genuinely concerned about you? If you are not well, must you tell them the truth? I can think of a couple reasons for not answering truthfully: 1) you don’t want to bother them with your problems or 2) you are embarrased, or are afraid you might start crying and really get embarassed. Are these good enough reasons to avoid telling the truth?
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Are you asking whether or not a person should lie?
 
If it is a real question and they are honestly concerned about you, you could tell them that you do not wish to speak about it at this time and they would probably understand. If someone is really concerned, they are opening up for you. It is a blessing that they asked. You should at least talk to them --there is never a need to lie.–nicolo
 
The problem is, saying you don’t want to talk about it is just going to make them more pushy or make them assume that there is something wrong. There’s no way of just avoiding giving an answer without creating a bigger stir than you wanted to. I can understand why you wouldn’t want to just pour your heart out to the person asking the question. So consider the below -

There’s a difference between lying and just avoiding telling the truth. If you want to avoid someone’s question without creating a stir you can say something meaningless like “I’m okay”, that’s not actually a lie as ‘okay’ is a subjective term.
 
in the second case, where the person knows I have an ongoing struggle and is expressing concern, I usually say, thank you so much for asking, I have good days and bad days, and then move the conversation along. I might add, I appreciate your prayers and support. I only give more information if it is necessary–recovering nicely from the surgery, thanks, but I still can’t drive, can you take me with you to the conference Saturday?
 
Even if I am sicker than a dog, in pain, or just feeling rotten, I answer with the truth “I am feeling and doing better than I deserve”
 
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gelsbern:
Even if I am sicker than a dog, in pain, or just feeling rotten, I answer with the truth “I am feeling and doing better than I deserve”
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I like that answer. Truthful and yet untelling. 😃
 
You can always go with relating a meaningless episode. For example, if they know you have been receiving treatments at a hospital, you can put them off with some trite news about any buddies you usually see at the hospital. Or you can drone on about the parking situation at the hospital, and how inconvenient it is.

If they are truly, truly well meaning, you can tell them that you are well enough that they don’t have to worry, and then maybe give them a particular concern to pray about, like ask them, “could you pray that I have more faith?” Or you can give them a time-frame, “I’ll maybe have more news in 8 weeks.” These folks will let you get by with not answering fully. This type of person understands that you can’t always answer.
 
My standard reply when I don’t really want to answer the question is, “I don’t know–I’ll have to tell you when I wake up and find out.” Delivered with a grin.

DaveBj
 
With close friends I’ve been known to respond “I’ve had better days, would you please say a prayer for me?” You’re not unloading all your dirty laundry/or phony sunshine, but being honest, asking for some support and giving the other person a real chance to do something for you.
 
I always answer truthfully, but not always completely.

Such as “feeling a bit ill today”, “felling rotten”, “Depressed”, “So-So”, “about as usual”, “annoyed”, etc.

It is interested to observe the responses. Some people are not prepared for a negative response of any sort. Others show concern and may delve deeper or offer help.
 
If I know the person is sincere in wanting to know how I am, but I don’t feel like going into it at the moment, I’ll say, “I’m hanging in there” This acknowledges that things aren’t great but doesn’t go into the details.

Arlene
 
Thank you all for your responses. I know I’ll be using some of these in the future.

I like “hanging in there.” It seems to fit my situation most of the time… but what does that saying really mean?

Peace to All.
 
‘Hanging in there’ means you are still alive and sane and that this is not about to change any time soon - you are getting by in life.
 
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nobody:
Thank you all for your responses. I know I’ll be using some of these in the future.

I like “hanging in there.” It seems to fit my situation most of the time… but what does that saying really mean?

Peace to All.
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“Nobody”:

Picture a cat hanging on a ledge by its front paws, or someone hanging from the top of a cliff praying that someone would come along and pull him up…

Hang in there. We’ve all been there before. Help’s on the way.

In Christ, Michael
 
Okay, I know that the vast majority of the time when someone says, “Hi, How are you?” that it is not a real question but only a formality, and you are supposed to say, “I’m fine, how are you?” or something like that.

But what if it is a real question, asked by someone who cares (family or friend) who is genuinely concerned about you? If you are not well, must you tell them the truth? I can think of a couple reasons for not answering truthfully: 1) you don’t want to bother them with your problems or 2) you are embarrased, or are afraid you might start crying and really get embarassed. Are these good enough reasons to avoid telling the truth?
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I once prepared an answer for that question, detailing my dead dog, an odd growth on my toe, and an unfortunate encounter with a dead squirrel and my car windshield.
I gave it out rapid fire to see if anyone was really listening when they asked. I didn’t have to worry about answering the question again for a long while.

It was the real answer, but I doubt the person really wanted to know. If you really do not want to answer a question like that, rather then answer untruthfully, just give them more info then they want. Why avoid the truth when too much of it could work so well?
 
I am not a person who answers “How are you?” with a “Fine, how about you?” I really look at how I am. I mean, what’s the point of asking a question if you don’t want an answer? Its pointless, almost idle conversation. It stimulates no conversation. Why say anything to the person at all in that case, or anything more than “hi”?

Granted, in doing this, I have noticed that when I try to look at it, that I look at what is wrong. This gives people a perception that they need to help me fix something and they start worrying about me. I don’t think this is a reason to cover it up though. I think you should be honest but take it as an opportunity to change your prospective on life to a much more positive one. So its not just “I’m fine” in the type of “I’m saying words I don’t believe in and am simply idly speaking.” You learn to see and focus on the good, on the ways God has blessed you. Yes, bad things may occur, but when you communicate them with people, typically the hearer looks at it as “they are asking me for help or advice.”

So, you may have areas you need to work on with God, but it is not appropriate or even necessary for you to communicate that with some particular person, so at that moment you do not. Such suffering is done primarily in secret with God and is between you and God. So yes, I suffer and have my cross to carry, but I also have all these blessings. Focus on those blessings with other people. So rather than just an “I’m fine.” say something like “I had a good/decent breakfast”, “I woke up in a fairly positive mood today.” “I’m looking forward to my plans for this weekend/next month.” “I’m happy that the sun came out today.” Sometimes you might notice that the other person is stirring conversation to obtain your attention and help. So possibly just saying “I’m fine” is good so that you can move along and point your attention to the other person’s needs.

So, no, don’t use empty words. Change yourself so that even in times of suffering, you are still able to see and share the blessings God has given you that day. If you change your attitude, it might even make you more prone to complimenting others so that their days may be even better. We focus way too much of our attention on what is wrong.
 
3rd parent has some good points.
All I have to add is that if I don’t feel like going into details about myself, I answer briefly and then turn the attention to the other person. Such as, “I’m okay, how are you enjoying your new job/baby/husband/house?”
That usually gets the focus off of me, which is all to the good.
 
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