Antagonization

[Princess_Abby]

I would like to discuss and share ideas for dealing with antagonization. I believe Satan uses people, places, ideas, situations and circumstances to attempt to harm those who strive to follow God’s law. I suppose antagonization might lead to spiritual oppression in some cases, if unrecognized or it goes uncombated. Regardless, I think all those who participate it in it act as instruments for Satan, as it is definitely not of God.

First, how do you recognize antagonization for what it is?

Second, how do you respond to it?

Third, how, if possible, do you stop the antagonization from continuing?

Fourth, how do you keep it from harming your personal peace and/or relationship with God?

I had a very interesting discussion about this with an RCIA candidate the other day and it has sparked my interest. We spoke about how those who participate in antagonization seemingly get an enormous sense of pleasure out of their actions, appearing to build themselves up by tearing others down. However, they rarely seem to have enough insight into their own behavior to recognize what they are doing for what it’s worth, and often feign innocence. This particular candidate for RCIA is very persecuted by her parents for pursuing the Catholic Church. Some of what she has endured, all in her quest for truth, is unbelievable. Her quest for the truth has really empowered her and she perseveres through her parents’ ill treatment of her.

We see antagonization everywhere in our culture, from bullies on the playground to petty jibes between adults to much larger scales–the unborn, the elderly, the minorities, those that are different in any way or those that simply do not agree with the “authoritative voice”–whether it be politics, pop culture, a particular religion, etc. We see it across cultures, across nationalities and within communities. Unfortunately we also see it among our supposedly Christian peers, in the Catholic Church or elsewhere.

 

[jrabs]

I used to take offense to many things daily around me. Little things that I should have brushed off. Instead, I would retaliate and make an off color retort, or rash response. Thus elevating the game of cat and mouse.

One way to combat this is to pray to the Holy Spirit for the spirit of offense to be lifted from your life. If the primary purpose of the antagonizer is to get a rise out of you, and you fail to respond accordingly, BAM! They are disarmed and they go away. Like a playground bully.

Pray to the Holy Spirit. In return, He will bring peace in your life and you will not feel a need to get offended - or at least to recognize when you should be offended ( abuses in the church, Eucharist, sanctity of life issues, etc.)

 

[Princess_Abby]

jrabs:

I used to take offense to many things daily around me. Little things that I should have brushed off. Instead, I would retaliate and make an off color retort, or rash response. Thus elevating the game of cat and mouse.

One way to combat this is to pray to the Holy Spirit for the spirit of offense to be lifted from your life. If the primary purpose of the antagonizer is to get a rise out of you, and you fail to respond accordingly, BAM! They are disarmed and they go away. Like a playground bully.

Pray to the Holy Spirit. In return, He will bring peace in your life and you will not feel a need to get offended - or at least to recognize when you should be offended ( abuses in the church, Eucharist, sanctity of life issues, etc.)

What wonderful insight! You are very right.

 

[La_Chiara]

Is “antagonization” a technical term–in a particular field, perhaps? There is no such word in my dictionary. The noun form is “antagonism” which means “mutual resistance, opposition; hostility”.

It sounds like you mean the act of being antagonistic. But I wonder if you are labeling “antagonization” what someone else might view as disagreement. If we choose to see someone as “antagonistic”, we are more likely to see ourselves as persecuted. But if we choose to view the other person as someone who has a difference of opinion and perhaps a different style of communication, then the dynamics of the relationship change in a healthier way.

I believe much of the distinction is in the perception. And perceptions which portray ourselves as “victims” of “antagonistic” people (or as “abused” by “bullies”) take the responsibility from us to see our role in the interpersonal relationship that we don’t like. Furthermore, such a perception (of victim vs. bully) prevents us from growing emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually if we blame the other person as antagonistic (and just withdraw, shut down, get angry, or lash out). And especially, if we choose to see this as a struggle between “good” (ourselves) and “evil” or “Satan” (the person we disagree with).

Just my thoughts.

 

[Princess_Abby]

I was clearly referring to the verb: “to provoke hostility.”

I think it depends on the situation, the circumstances, and the intention. Perception is key, and I think that one perception over another is not necessarily automatically correct. There are instances where one person (or more) is indeed hungry for the gratification of “provoking hostility.” The sort of person who seeks out confrontation, hoping to spark a “disagreement” with their seemingly innocent rhetoric and then couch their statements with “but I was just trying to challenge you!” Those sort of antagonists rarely seem to leave well enough alone, but often their actions are predictable.

The situation I am referring to specifically has to do with a young woman pursuing her calling from the Lord to the Catholic Church. In that quest, her parents are doing all they can–including removing their financial support, kicking her out of her home, making belittling comments about her salvation and generally abusing her in an emotional sense–to seemingly antagonize her and in a sense, perhaps control her. I don’t think the word “disagreement” applies here. They do, interestingly enough, claim to simply be “challenging” her. Bullies often have a rationalization for their behavior.

She describes sitting at the breakfast room table, and her mother will toss a Jack Chick thing, literally at her. That sort of behavior is openly aggressive and hostile. Her mother claims “she just wants to help.”

I think antagonists often have an agenda, and in this case her parents are fearful of her joining the CC, for whatever laundry list of reasons.

In terms of her parents, she feels they seem to think they have a right to “offer” their observations and differing opinions ad nauseam. To drive their point into the ground, despite the fact it is unwelcome.

 

[La_Chiara]

In the situation about which you are discussing, the parents would seem to be openly hostile to the young woman’s conversion. Their anti-Catholic hostility is offensive to us Catholics. Yet to some degree their sentiments are understandable, and certainly withdrawal of their financial support is appropriate, it seems to me. If my daughter (raised Catholic), announced that she was becoming a Moonie, a Jehovah’s Witness, or even an anti-Catholic Evangelical Christian, I would not continue paying for college at an Ivy League school! I would be hurt and deeply disappointed that she was rejecting our faith. I would see it as a failure to instill my values and as my child’s rejection of the values and beliefs that I worked hard to teach her. Nevertheless, it sounds like these parents are causing much pain for their daughter. And that is very unfortunate, especially since she has found the fullness of the Catholic faith.

 

[Princess_Abby]

La Chiara:

In the situation about which you are discussing, the parents would seem to be openly hostile to the young woman’s conversion. Their anti-Catholic hostility is offensive to us Catholics. Yet to some degree their sentiments are understandable, and certainly withdrawal of their financial support is appropriate, it seems to me. If my daughter (raised Catholic), announced that she was becoming a Moonie, a Jehovah’s Witness, or even an anti-Catholic Evangelical Christian, I would not continue paying for college at an Ivy League school! I would be hurt and deeply disappointed that she was rejecting our faith. I would see it as a failure to instill my values and as my child’s rejection of the values and beliefs that I worked hard to teach her. Nevertheless, it sounds like these parents are causing much pain for their daughter. And that is very unfortunate, especially since she has found the fullness of the Catholic faith.

The girl is sixteen, so she is a minor. They are threatening to put her in a shelter facility and request that the state take over custody. She is a 4.2 GPA student at a Catholic high school. The weird part is that they put her in the high school because it’s the best education around, but now they’re very angry she’s embracing the faith.

 

[Island_Oak]

Interesting post, Abby. I think I agree with the earlier discussion that this issue of interpersonal antagonism and conflict has much to do with perception. But I would add simply that our perceptions and reactions are often colored by our own insecurites, needs, desires, fears, as well as how well we have been socialized to control and/or mask these drives. Certainly the parent/adult child relationship is a veritable mine field of emotion-laden conflicts. All too often the intense emotional involvement of parents and children creates a tendency to take disagreements very personally.

In the case of your RCIA candidate, the parents may be feeling the same emotions Chiara described she might feel if her child adopted a new religion: rejected, challenged, unappreciated and lacking control. They have chosen to respond in a seemingly punitive manner, perhaps in a misguided attempt to hold onto, not alienate, their daughter. At the same time the daughter’s perception of their reaction may be overly defensive–as she focuses on establishing her independence and not on her parents’ feelings of loss. She also may not be effectively communicating how this foray into a new religion is meeting her goals and needs and actually affirming/enhancing the values she learned from her family.

To my way of thinking one of the best ways of combating antoagonism is to discern what is threatening the antagonizer. If you can acknowledge and validate their loss/fear, you may be able to side-step their defensiveness and try to address the substance of the conflict. In your RCIA case, having the daughter acknowledge that it must be hard for her parents to see her pursuing a different religion and affirming her connection to them and their values might diffuse some of their disappointment and feelings of loss. A frank discussion of values, spirituality, etc. might reveal that the parties have similar views on the role of religion in their respective lives–even if they are pursuing their faith in different traditions.

However, if the substance of a conflict can’t even be reached and discussed rationally because of heated emotions, my experience is that there is usually a more profound insecurity present which prioritizes “winning” the argument more highly than communication and achieving harmony in the relationship. I think those people who get a charge out of “stirring the pot” just for the sake of generating conflict clearly manifest a deficit and neediness in their own character.

 

[Ruthie]

I am sorry for your young friend; she’s got a tough row to hoe.

Let’s also apply a little charity to the parents. If they’re throwing Chick tracts at her, they probably really believe that, if she becomes a Catholic, she’ll go straight to hell when she dies. Not a comfortable feeling! Let’s pity their ignorance, and pray for their enlightenment.

CA has an excellent anti-Chick tract in the library: catholic.com/library/sr_chick_tracts_p1.asp

Perhaps you could print it out and give it to her parents. It probably won’t help, since people who like Chick’s over-emotional dreck may not respond to the voice of reason.

Praying…