Anti Catholicism in my home help!

[prolifehsmom]

I am 33 married outside of the Church to a man who was raised JW and is anti Catholic/Religion now we have two young children ages 6 and 9. I have not been active in the Church or practiced my faith openly since childhood. I have however been studying on and off for 15 years, more in the last few years. I believe with all my heart that Jesus Christ founded the Catholic Church on the Apostles with Peter at the head not to exclude Paul which I feel he would want me to say that lol! I have not been open in the past with my faith especially with my husband leaving us on two completely different levels now. He does not understand simple theology and I am reading the Fathers. Anytime over the years when I did try to express things that I was learning he would get really angry and yell at me so naturally I just stopped saying anything. In the last few years however I have gotten worse in my depression and just hate my life at times. We have talked more lately about God and religion but anytime my faith or the Church is mentioned my husband gets very angry. I have been praying for him and my family and often get impatient because I have a desire to be a faithful catholic but my husband forbids me to do so. I am not allowed to be open in my faith even in my own home, I can’t wear my medals, have a prayer candle, or even say talk openly about the Church without enraging my husband so I just don’t try. We have been having so many other problems as well and the only thing I feel that can save our family and marriage is my faith yet I am not allowed it. My fear is that if I leave him he will hate the Church even more and my difficulty will be the same as we have children together. He would try to take them from me I fear if I leave him and become the Catholic that I want to be. So I stay and we stay together for the goods that our family does have. I want to honor my marriage and do as Christ wants and suffer for him. Saint Paul says to remain as I am, I am here to get advice about what my best approach should be. I know I need to keep praying because anything is possible with God. I also know I must live up to the Christian way of the Golden Rule which I have screwed both up pretty bad, my husband often calls me evil when we are fighting, I have acted very badly myself. I feel like however that I am loosing my mind and often feel that it is just not worth it then I remind my self of what Christ says about that. My husband gets angry if I read books about religion and has asked me to take a break which I have a little. I want to read the scriptures to him and did have the chance to one day when he questioned the existence of hell. His view is that religion does not matter and that we are all saved or not depending on what our intentions are, if it is for good than no God will send us to hell, and the specifics just don’t matter to us, since we all live by our own truths and realities anyway. I told him if it does not matter to him then why can’t I have my religion? He said you are my wife so it does matter then. His mother is a devout JW and I asked him that if I told him that I wanted to be JW would he react the same way and he said yes, so his issue is also with religion in general yet I can testify that he does not treat his mother the way he treats me, and that he lets her speak about her religion but I can’'t without enraging him. The other day I seen a woman with ashes on her head at the store and was reminded about ash Wednsday then I thougt can you imaging what would happen if I came home like this!! I want to stand up for what I believe and my husband often encourages others to do the same, but I just am afraid of the opposition my kids have already been through enough I fear for their spiritual health. I do teach the kids about Jesus and often tell them about what I have read in the bible, I have to keep it very basic though and I am not allowed to them to much. I did however tell my husband that I will tell them what I believe and that he could not stop me from doing that, is fear is that religion will be pushed on them like it was for him as a child. On this we agree and I want my boys to believe because it is true not because they are told to believe. At this point divorce would be worse for my kids and our family but the suffering that we are suffering is so great that I just want to quit sometimes. I often day dream about what life would have been like as a single Catholic, but that leads me to regret even the conception of my children since they were both born our of wedlock and I had already been with their father for many years before their birth. I should have known but no one told me that if would be this way if I ever decided to go back to the Church later in life which I didn’t think I would at first I was also anti religion at first. Any advice would be helpful

 

[Steveabrous]

Hello. I am sorry for your situation. Some people have been hurt by religion and therefore are very hostile towards it. However, (and I am a man) if he loves you, and doesn’t just want to control you, he will not keep you from what you love. My first instinct is to tell you to practice your religion regardless of what he says, as long as you feel that he would not physically hurt you for doing so. Once he sees that he is not going to stop you the arguments about it will stop. If your children see that your husband is victimizing you thier simpathies will be to you and your side. He may leave though. If you can live with that. But you can not leave your husband in order to be a faithful Catholic. I am leary of this advice because I don’t want it to put you in harms way. Pray about it.Look at the lives of the Saints there are some women saints who have been in your situation. See how they handled it. Ask for their intersetion. If you can get away with it, promentently display an image of the sacred heart, Jesus promises to bring peace to the home where it is displayed. I can testify to this personally.

 

[PaulinePresbytr]

I am 33 married outside of the Church to a man who was raised JW and is anti Catholic/Religion now we have two young children ages 6 and 9. I have not been active in the Church or practiced my faith openly since childhood. I have however been studying on and off for 15 years, more in the last few years. I believe with all my heart that Jesus Christ founded the Catholic Church on the Apostles with Peter at the head not to exclude Paul which I feel he would want me to say that lol! I have not been open in the past with my faith especially with my husband leaving us on two completely different levels now. He does not understand simple theology and I am reading the Fathers. Anytime over the years when I did try to express things that I was learning he would get really angry and yell at me so naturally I just stopped saying anything. In the last few years however I have gotten worse in my depression and just hate my life at times. We have talked more lately about God and religion but anytime my faith or the Church is mentioned my husband gets very angry. I have been praying for him and my family and often get impatient because I have a desire to be a faithful catholic but my husband forbids me to do so. I am not allowed to be open in my faith even in my own home, I can’t wear my medals, have a prayer candle, or even say talk openly about the Church without enraging my husband so I just don’t try. We have been having so many other problems as well and the only thing I feel that can save our family and marriage is my faith yet I am not allowed it. My fear is that if I leave him he will hate the Church even more and my difficulty will be the same as we have children together. He would try to take them from me I fear if I leave him and become the Catholic that I want to be. So I stay and we stay together for the goods that our family does have. I want to honor my marriage and do as Christ wants and suffer for him. Saint Paul says to remain as I am, I am here to get advice about what my best approach should be. I know I need to keep praying because anything is possible with God. I also know I must live up to the Christian way of the Golden Rule which I have screwed both up pretty bad, my husband often calls me evil when we are fighting, I have acted very badly myself. I feel like however that I am loosing my mind and often feel that it is just not worth it then I remind my self of what Christ says about that. My husband gets angry if I read books about religion and has asked me to take a break which I have a little. I want to read the scriptures to him and did have the chance to one day when he questioned the existence of hell. His view is that religion does not matter and that we are all saved or not depending on what our intentions are, if it is for good than no God will send us to hell, and the specifics just don’t matter to us, since we all live by our own truths and realities anyway. I told him if it does not matter to him then why can’t I have my religion? He said you are my wife so it does matter then. His mother is a devout JW and I asked him that if I told him that I wanted to be JW would he react the same way and he said yes, so his issue is also with religion in general yet I can testify that he does not treat his mother the way he treats me, and that he lets her speak about her religion but I can’'t without enraging him. The other day I seen a woman with ashes on her head at the store and was reminded about ash Wednsday then I thougt can you imaging what would happen if I came home like this!! I want to stand up for what I believe and my husband often encourages others to do the same, but I just am afraid of the opposition my kids have already been through enough I fear for their spiritual health. I do teach the kids about Jesus and often tell them about what I have read in the bible, I have to keep it very basic though and I am not allowed to them to much. I did however tell my husband that I will tell them what I believe and that he could not stop me from doing that, is fear is that religion will be pushed on them like it was for him as a child. On this we agree and I want my boys to believe because it is true not because they are told to believe. At this point divorce would be worse for my kids and our family but the suffering that we are suffering is so great that I just want to quit sometimes. I often day dream about what life would have been like as a single Catholic, but that leads me to regret even the conception of my children since they were both born our of wedlock and I had already been with their father for many years before their birth. I should have known but no one told me that if would be this way if I ever decided to go back to the Church later in life which I didn’t think I would at first I was also anti religion at first. Any advice would be helpful

Give him a catechism. If you go to any anti catholic web site you’ll find that their arguments for saying the church is “pagan” are founded on gross misunderstandings of Catholic doctrine and flat out lies. I even saw one person claim they were passing around bibles and that a person rejected, saying “sorry, I’m catholic we don’t use those”. The people behind this lie, and the people who believe this fall into a trap of lies. You should also get him a bible that’s not the NWT because as shown by its polytheistic translation of John chapter 1 it is nothing more than a bible changed to fit JW doctrine.

 

[rafarose]

Hey prolifemom

I encourage you to experience the sacrament of reconciliation/confession before you do anything else. During lent maybe you could let go of all these things bothering you.

I used to be very nervous going to confession, but just know that the priest is NOT there to judge you. Imagine talking to Jesus during to confession! Or even write down sin or any other thing that is bothering on paper if you are nervous.
I really really encourage you to do this. The priest will give you a much better advice on what you should do.

Dear Prolifemom, Jesus has transformed the most stubborn hearts, what makes you think he won’t do that for your husband?! Have hope! But with that you need tons and tons of patience!

Do you know Saint Rita’s story? She faced a very similar situation as you did, read about her, and ask for her intercession along with Mother Mary.

Keep praying for your family especially for your husband and don’t stop teaching your children basic catholic values.

Keep loving your family! I will pray for you

 

[Anglewannabe]

.]** I have been praying for him and my family**] and often get impatient because I have a desire to be a faithful catholic but my husband forbids me to do so. I am not allowed to be open in my faith even in my own home, I can’t wear my medals, have a prayer candle, or even say talk openly about the Church without enraging my husband so I just don’t try. We have been having so many other problems as well and **the only thing I feel that can save our family and marriage is my faith **yet I am not allowed it.

My heart goes out to you since I know this must be a painful situation to be in. However, like most people, when one is going through trials, they do not see their strength. Please look at what I bolded. You are doing the best ! You are praying ! And, you are putting all your faith for your marriage in God’s hands. So many cradle catholics have trouble doing that!

I don’t have sound advice, but I do hope I have given you encouraging words

 

[Margy1948]

Hello. I am sorry for your situation. Some people have been hurt by religion and therefore are very hostile towards it. However, (and I am a man) if he loves you, and doesn’t just want to control you, he will not keep you from what you love. My first instinct is to tell you to practice your religion regardless of what he says, as long as you feel that he would not physically hurt you for doing so. Once he sees that he is not going to stop you the arguments about it will stop. If your children see that your husband is victimizing you thier simpathies will be to you and your side. He may leave though. If you can live with that. But you can not leave your husband in order to be a faithful Catholic. I am leary of this advice because I don’t want it to put you in harms way. Pray about it.Look at the lives of the Saints there are some women saints who have been in your situation. See how they handled it. Ask for their intersetion. If you can get away with it, promentently display an image of the sacred heart, Jesus promises to bring peace to the home where it is displayed. I can testify to this personally.

I thought there was a provision that says that she could leave him. The Pauline privilege?

 

[Xantippe]

Your husband sounds borderline abusive. You should be able to practice your own religion in your own home and feel safe doing so. That said, perhaps you should make a point of alternating religious and non-religious reading so your husband doesn’t think you’re obsessive? I think at the very least, your husband needs to be in counseling so that he can separate out his feelings about his childhood and his treatment of you as a wife.

You wrote: “Saint Paul says to remain as I am, I am here to get advice about what my best approach should be.”

I was looking at the surrounding verses for that:

“If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. [14] For the unbelieving husband is consecrated through his wife, and the unbelieving wife is consecrated through her husband. Otherwise, your children would be unclean, but as it is they are holy. [15] But if the unbelieving partner desires to separate, let it be so; in such a case the brother or sister is not bound. For God has called us to peace.”

That last verse “God has called us to peace” is the problem with simply remaining as you are. At the moment, your husband is not living with you in peace.

 

[JRKH]

WOW - So much to try to sort through.

As another mentioned, you are in good company. There have been several saints in your situation some have even been martyred by their husbands or family.
We certainly hope this is not the case for you.

I agree with the advice to seek out confession - and even further - that you get the council of a good priest. We are so limited here, and he would be able to get into more details and the “give and take” will be most helpful - as well as the ability for the two of you to pray together.

As to your home life…
It appears that your husband is very frightened by what he sees - that you are changing from the person he married. After all, you say that you use to be very anti-religion too. So don’t be too hard on him.
Coming from a JW background he might also have a fear that his mother (and others) will cut off contact if you pursue your journey into the church.
His response to these things is obviously inappropriate but both of you digging in your heels is only going to be that much more counterproductive.
SO - - -
Stop trying to talk to him about religion.
Adopt a, “I refuse to fight about this”, attitude. Simply do not respond at all when he yells.
From my own personal experience, I would suggest that you sit down quietly and do a good examination of conscience (as well as going to confession and talking to a priest) and from all of this write your husband a letter.
Affirm your commitment to your marriage and family. Affirm that you love Him and desire to grow with him - but inform him that this can only occur in an atmosphere of mutual respect.
Take responsibility for your own failings - in arguing,saying hurtful things and being disrespectful of him.
Then inform him that, as a fully functioning adult it is your intention to read whatever seems good to you and to follow Jesus wherever He leads you. Also inform him that you will refuse to respond to anger and yelling. That you will be happy to discuss, but only in the aforementioned atmosphere of mutual respect.
Promise your husband that you will not “preach” to him (in words) or try to convert him, but that in your conversations you will, just naturally, share things that you are learning.
Explain that this journey should make you a better wife and mother - not a worse one.

Of course the above are just general suggestions based on things you have written in your OP. The exact wording and items are whatever you feel will best communicate what you are trying to say.

The advantage of doing this in a letter is two-fold. First is that you are able to construct it carefully and so avoid saying something that you wish you hadn’t. You might even want to have your confessor/counselor read over it before you give it to your husband.
Secondly, your husband is pretty much forced to read the whole thing without “interrupting you”, thus preventing the possibility of getting sidetracked and possibly losing control of the conversation.
Thirdly, the time, thought and prayer that goes into all of this…Will allow you to come to a very firm commitment to mend your ways, to act more Christlike, more Loving and more respectfully toward your husband and marriage without giving up your own spiritual freedom.

One last recommendation is to start praying the rosary and/or the Divine Mercy Chaplet. These are good calming meditative prayers that will help to keep you properly focused.

Now having said all of this, I’m sure that we are just scratching the surface, so I again urge you to seek out a good priest for confession and counseling as you move forward.

Peace
James

 

[prolifehsmom]

Thank you everyone! It iis all great advice I don’t have a lot of people to talk to. I have been praying the rosary when ever possible as well as other prayer I really need to do it more and I will. I have been asking Saint Monica for prayers as well as Saint Paul for a good convertion of my family. As far as going to a priest that is not something I can do right now without a backlash from my husband it is just to risky and I do not want to lie to him about where I have been I am never alone since I have 2 children that I homeschool and I was told by my husband that his children will never fo in a Church and he doesn’t watch the kids. I will however do my very best to do all the things you are saying I think it is good advice. I am learning to trust in the Lord more and grow in my faith inwardly first as well as honor and respect my husband and marriage.

Please say a little prayer for him and ask Saint Monica to pray for him as well thank you again for taking the time to help me with this.

 

[R_C]

Sorry, but you don’t understand…the members of the Watchtower Society belong to a cult. They are not like other Christian communities. In fact, they are not Christian, for they confess Christ to be a creature, specifically an angel, the angel Michael.

I have had my own struggle that greatly affected my life, but not to the degree that you experience. I can’t see a human way out, for the Watchtower Society forces their adepts to believe that the Catholic Church is the see of Antichrist, and even if St. Paul in person would preach to him, he would associate his teachings to that of a devil worshipper. There’s no way out, except by the help of God’s grace.

You are perfectly free to attend Holy Mass on Sunday. The authority of the husband and head of the family does not step above the authority of God on this matter. You should most definitely confess and return into the faith. Do so very privately and modestly, imitating the Blessed Virgin. Don’t have exterior signs if they upset him: keep Christ in your heart, where He loves to dwell. Go to Mass on Sunday and Holy Days of Obligation. Fast during Lent as directed. He cannot force you to eat meat on Friday, nor can he force you to not go to Mass on Sunday.

As for your little ones, a priest can offer you advice.

Read more about the Catechism. Try to read what St. Thomas Aquinas wrote. The Church Fathers are also extraordinary readings of orthodox Christian doctrine. Educate yourself. If he teaches you erroneous things, simply smile and ignore them. Don’t try - I think - to evangelize him at this point. But don’t agree to anything erroneous, no matter what.

So don’t be afraid of your husband. Be a good wife in the way the apostles teach it, but be firm in the faith. If you go to Mass and he gets angry, just remain quiet and remind him that you do it out of love of God, who told us that anyone who loves his mother, his husband, or his children more than him is not worthy of him (Mt 10:37, Lk 18:29). Rebuke anger with peace, loudness with silence.

Divorce is not an option for you to take into consideration as far as I can tell, for it would be a sin on your side.

Do not worry exceedingly about your kids: God will take care of them. He will. Keep praying for them daily, and for your husband. Do not be upset or regret anything, for the Lord has blessed you with a family and kids, and this is a great blessing indeed. Do not be upset at your husband: he does not know what he is doing, and God will have mercy on the blind.

But the very first thing for you to do, in my opinion, is this: go to your parrish, ask to speak with a priest, and tell him your story. Let an ordained disciple of Christ help you sort things out.

May Our Lady cover you with her mantle and hold you close to her immaculate heart, where none may touch you. May she embrace your little ones with the radiance of her smile. May she turn her eyes of mercy on your spouse, that he may see.

 

[Steveabrous]

I thought there was a provision that says that she could leave him. The Pauline privilege?

THe Pauline privilage frees her if he leaves. it’s based on 1st corinthians chapter 7

" 13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

15 But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. 16 How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?"

 

[prolifehsmom]

I did pray the rosary today and want to do it daily before I start anything else in my day. All of your replies have reminded me of something, and that is that I do know what to do and will pray for courage to do them. You all have also reminded me of the right things that I am doing to save my family and I thank you all for that. I get impatient and loose faith especially when things get so bad as they often do in my home for many reasons. I do have some difficulty do to thyroid issues and am seeking treatment yet not yet on any meds I reel that my emotional state may have to do with that as well. My first step as you all have reminded me is to pray, pray, pray, pray then love as Christ loves! The next thing I need to do is just read the scriptures to him as he is willing I just get so scared to talk to him and do this but that is what I have to do. I have always been afraid of the word of God because I don’t want it to lead him to his birth faith JW but I need to have faith in the Lords words that are Catholic first indeed and pray that he will see the truth, I ask the Holy Spirit to help with this all the time. I am reading the Fathers, as well as my RSVCE and learning all I can about my faith that way I can answer his questions when they are asked. The last year I have been more open about my faith with him and are taking those baby steps with that. It is going to take a lo more healing on both our parts, we both have hurt each other and have not been open with things. I especially appreciate the men here that have given me a little more perspective on my husband and I do need to take it easy on him and realise that he just doesn’t understand. I need to be more patient with my self, my husband and the Lord! Thank you all you have helped me I was feeling hopeless and am beginning to see more clearly that there is more hope than I give credit to : )

 

[JRKH]

Thank you everyone! It iis all great advice I don’t have a lot of people to talk to. I have been praying the rosary when ever possible as well as other prayer I really need to do it more and I will. I have been asking Saint Monica for prayers as well as Saint Paul for a good convertion of my family. As far as going to a priest that is not something I can do right now without a backlash from my husband it is just to risky and I do not want to lie to him about where I have been I am never alone since I have 2 children that I homeschool and I was told by my husband that his children will never fo in a Church and he doesn’t watch the kids. I will however do my very best to do all the things you are saying I think it is good advice. I am learning to trust in the Lord more and grow in my faith inwardly first as well as honor and respect my husband and marriage.

Please say a little prayer for him and ask Saint Monica to pray for him as well thank you again for taking the time to help me with this.

Something I feel compelled to share…
The controlling attitude of your husband, and your acceptance of it is not healthy for your sons. With this as the example that they are raised with, it is entirely possible that they will act in a similar way when they mature. After all, this is the image of “marriage” that they are receiving.

This is something that you need to give serious consideration to as you move forward.
I’m sure that you do not wish to see their wives treated as you are…nor do you wish to see them suffering through broken marriages etc.

Peace
James

 

[Xantippe]

“As far as going to a priest that is not something I can do right now without a backlash from my husband it is just to risky and I do not want to lie to him about where I have been I am never alone since I have 2 children that I homeschool and I was told by my husband that his children will never fo in a Church and he doesn’t watch the kids.”

This is abusive. You are an adult who deserves occasional free time and time to develop your spiritual life if it doesn’t place an undue burden on your family. And it shouldn’t–your kids are big at this point. The way you describe your marriage makes it sound like you are a prisoner and your husband is your keeper. I hope that’s not how your husband sees your relationship, but that’s how it sounds to outsiders. This is a very unhealthy way to live and you need counseling to normalize your relationship. It’s really weird that in his overreaction to his JW upbringing, your husband is enforcing this hyper-patriarchal family structure on you.

“Divorce is not an option for you to take into consideration as far as I can tell, for it would be a sin on your side.”

The OP is a Catholic who is married outside the church. Somebody correct me if I am wrong, but there is no sacramental marriage here. Her relationship to her civilly married husband deserves consideration primarily because he is the father of her children and because she is probably financially dependent on him.

 

[Steveabrous]

“As far as going to a priest that is not something I can do right now without a backlash from my husband it is just to risky and I do not want to lie to him about where I have been I am never alone since I have 2 children that I homeschool and I was told by my husband that his children will never fo in a Church and he doesn’t watch the kids.”

This is abusive. You are an adult who deserves occasional free time and time to develop your spiritual life if it doesn’t place an undue burden on your family. And it shouldn’t–your kids are big at this point. The way you describe your marriage makes it sound like you are a prisoner and your husband is your keeper. I hope that’s not how your husband sees your relationship, but that’s how it sounds to outsiders. This is a very unhealthy way to live and you need counseling to normalize your relationship. It’s really weird that in his overreaction to his JW upbringing, your husband is enforcing this hyper-patriarchal family structure on you.

“Divorce is not an option for you to take into consideration as far as I can tell, for it would be a sin on your side.”

The OP is a Catholic who is married outside the church. Somebody correct me if I am wrong, but there is no sacramental marriage here. Her relationship to her civilly married husband deserves consideration primarily because he is the father of her children and because she is probably financially dependent on him.

It is never o.k. to cause a divorce. The church presumes a marriage valid until they say otherwise. If she defies his unjust rules and lives her faith (provided there is no risk of physical abuse, and quit frankly if there is leaving an abusive situation isn’t the same as divorce. the church recognizes a couple may need to seperate) he will either give an no longer object or leave himself. This would mean she is not bound. If he does become physicaly violent she could leave and only return if he agrees to let her live her faith. But she should not divorce him. Let him leave, or separate.

 

[Xantippe]

Steveabrous,

She sounds scared of him. Maybe that fear is misplaced, but there is something very wrong with a relationship where there is so much fear and the OP feels that she can’t practice her religion.

I suggest the OP read Lundry Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men.”

(For anybody who doesn’t have the time or the space to safely read the book, the Cliff Notes answer to the title is, because it works. When people are terrified of you, you can get what you want from them without bothering to persuade them or carrying your weight in the relationship.)

 

[Steveabrous]

Steveabrous,

She sounds scared of him. Maybe that fear is misplaced, but there is something very wrong with a relationship where there is so much fear and the OP feels that she can’t practice her religion.

I suggest the OP read Lundry Bancroft’s “Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Controlling and Angry Men.”

(For anybody who doesn’t have the time or the space to safely read the book, the Cliff Notes answer to the title is, because it works. When people are terrified of you, you can get what you want from them without bothering to persuade them or carrying your weight in the relationship.)

Yes, I think a separation may be in order. We must be careful in advising someone to divorce, since God hates divorce. The first step would be separation and counciling.