Anxiety with Regard to Confession and How to Overcome This

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Hello all,

Confession has been a sacrament that has caused me much torment since converting to Catholicism 3 years ago. I believe I have only truly been absolved once before (November 2016) and that may not have been a good confession as I was so nervous I blurted out a date to give perspective for what I know to be a mortal sin to give the priest an idea of its severity/# times and it was completely wrong. I realized this immediately after leaving the church and was devastated. Since becoming Catholic every time I try to approach the Sacrament I have so much anxiety I never follow through. I will often go through an examination of conscience and show up at a church during confession times only to leave in tears. It’s embarrassing, painful, discouraging and to be honest - I’m tired of it.

It got so severe earlier this year that I stopped going to mass completely. It was so painful to go to mass knowing I couldn’t receive the Eucharist week after week. I now go sporadically, but still not regularly.

I guess I’m just asking for advice on how to overcome this. I’m drowning in sin and this has never been how I wanted to live, but after so long and so many disappointments I did just give up and gave in to despair. It often makes me wonder if Catholicism is the right place for me and if this is where God wants me if He wants me at all.

If you have no advice, please keep me in your prayers. Thank you.
 
Have you spoken to your pastor or another priest you trust about this? I’m a convert as well, and suffered terrible anxiety when faced with the prospect of my first Confession - I actually had several anxiety attacks. I raised my fear with my pastor, and he was very kind and very compassionate and helped me work through that anxiety. It also set the tone for my relationship with the sacrament, because I learned to associate Confession with love and kindness and compassion, not fear or distress, which makes the anxiety associated with it much more manageable.
 
Find an experienced confessor to counsel you, one who has experience with scrupulosity and anxiety. Set a regular schedule of confession for at least a while.
 
With my pastor - no. However, the confession I mentioned above was an appointment at a neighboring town’s parish with that intention and I did attempt to discuss it with him. Admittedly, it didn’t go very well. He was a kind priest - I just had a hard time expressing my concerns adequately and was unable to think clearly/process my emotions while there. I do think the relationship you mention is important. The first time I attempted to receive the Sacrament I did make it into the confessional, but was struggling a bit to get started and the priest there told me he “wasn’t there for catechesis” and basically that I needed to come back at a later time when I had it together. I suppose he was right, but it definitely stung a little bit and every time I try to go now I do worry I may get the same response.
 
I would suggest raising it with your pastor outside of the confessional. It sounds like an issue that needs a little extra spiritual direction, and Confession really isn’t the right time for spiritual direction.
 
I had similar issues, after being away from the church for years (never was really taught adequately). I made an appointment with a kind priest in a different parish, and wrote things down. I made a couple appointments with him, then went to him during a regular “light is on” time, and then was able to start going to my parish. Still not great, but I get by. I choose the priest I feel is kind, and go to him.
 
Don’t feel bad, I had the same problem and I am a cradle Catholic. I developed it as a young teen after having a couple of bad experiences at confession (I’d rather not go into details except to clarify that they did not involve any sort of inappropriate behavior by the priest). As a result I developed anxiety when going to confession and for about 10 years after the event I would try to go as little as possible - usually just the required Easter duty and sometimes at Christmas - then I even gave up doing that. It was just one more straw on the pile of stuff that drove me to not practice my faith for many years. When I decided to “come back” I knew I would have to make a confession as it had been 18 years and my way of coping with it was just to go to the large anonymous cathedral as early as possible (I think the confessions were at 6:30 am or some crazy early hour before the early morning Mass) and get it overwith before I had time to be nervous about it.

Since then I have made myself go once or twice a month for almost 2 years. It has gotten a little better with practice but I still cry involuntarily at many confessions and had a bad time at one when I was trying to confess an incident with an ex-friend that really bothered me.

I think since you are new to this, it might be a good idea if you met with your pastor so you can hopefully nip the anxiety in the bud before it becomes an ingrained habit. It’s really too late for me to do anything but just continue to bull through it and cope, and try to avoid going face-to-face because it seems easier when I do not have to go face-to-face. I will say that if you go frequently, like once a month, the “practice” keeps it from building up in your mind into a big thing and also ensures that your confessions will be quicker as you will not have as much to confess as if you waited a year to go. Good luck and God bless, just don’t let this stop you from going as like I said you do not want to develop a bad habit.
 
Tis_Bearself said:
It has gotten a little better with practice but I still cry involuntarily at many confessions…
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I really appreciate you sharing this. I find I get very emotional at most confessions, and worried that the priest was thinking I was overdramatic or whatever. I’m not, I just get very emotional in the confessional.
 
Thank you for your advice. Yes, I realize it isn’t appropriate for regularly scheduled confessions. I’ve never tried to raise my concern then for that reason. The first time I went I was only trying to make it through my confession and had no idea I would respond that way going into it. The appointment I made was both for spiritual direction and confession. Unfortunately, it did not go very well through my own fault. I think I will try to make an appointment with my pastor. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who has struggled with this. I just hate to bother him with something I feel I should’ve been able to deal with on my own. Small children manage to make it through confession, but for some reason I have really struggled all this time. 😦 Thanks again for your help!
 
Was the priest in a different parish still a priest you were familiar with? Honesty, I think I would feel more comfortable going elsewhere which is what I have tried all this time but I have no idea how to know their personalities since I’m going to parishes I don’t regularly attend.
 
I’m beginning to think it is a common problem given that I now see boxes of Kleenex within reach in many confessionals. (And I’m grateful they are there.)
 
I said exactly the same thing - I said I felt stupid because children do this and just the thought was reducing me to tears. I was reminded that children don’t carry the same kind of psychological baggage adults do, and that, if we recall, we are exhorted to come to God like little children - but that doesn’t mean it will be easy.

For me, the spiritual direction was helpful because it let me see what was underlying my fear - namely that I was struggling in my understanding and belief that God’s love was unconditional and His forgiveness was assured. I had never experienced unconditional love, so it was a very difficult concept for me to grasp. When I started to understand that, my anxiety slowly dissipated.
 
This was mentioned to me by a friend before when we had a conversation after I stopped attending mass. Honestly, I’m not sure. I’m a pretty shy/private person so I wonder if it was just provoked by a foreign situation since confession was a very unusual and new circumstance for me to be going into. At the same time, there have been situations since I converted that make me question if this could become a bigger problem in the future. I’m going to message you!
 
I totally understand this. I’m going to ask you a question and I really hope it isn’t offensive to anyone! I’ve really struggled all this time understanding how God’s love can be unconditional. I know I’m not in a state of grace and I haven’t been able to make it through confession and the Church’s teaching doesn’t leave much hope there. Basically if I die, then I’m going to hell. This has caused me so much distress over the years. It may not seem like it to many people, but I have tried really hard, but nothing has changed. It doesn’t seem unconditional because it seems like God’s forgiveness is only available in Confession, which would make it conditional. It’s hard for me to see this as loving and I have questioned if God ever wanted a relationship with me. I know this sounds bad, but I’m just trying to be honest. I never felt this way before joining the Church.
 
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I don’t think things are as black and white as you paint them (though others may disagree with me). If I was in a state of mortal sin and wanted to go to Confession, but I couldn’t because I was physically unable to attend Confession (I was in a desert with no priest, etc), then my desire to go to Confession would be sufficient. I wouldn’t be condemned because God knows it was in my heart to go to Confession.

God knows what is in your heart. He knows you are struggling with this and trying to overcome the barrier that stands between you and Confession.

God’s love and forgiveness isn’t only available in the confessional. His love is always present. Through God, all things are possible. So, personally, I think as long as we are continuing to try to overcome our weaknesses, God, like any loving parent, is there hoping for us to succeed and loving us even when we don’t.

Hope that helps.
 
I did not know him, but had heard a lot about him as the parish is close enough. I almost never encounter him. He’ll occassionally come help with first reconciliation, when they try to have extra priests, etc.
 
Oh, that we would be able to go into a confessional without anxiety! I’ve been Catholic for about 30 years and this is the one sacrament that scares the hair off me! While I have a bit of scrupulosity and anxiety, I’ve found some tricks to help me get my thoughts and words in sync.
  1. Daily examen. I teach 5th grade Parish Religious Ed and found that using an examen meant for children is a great way to start. Spiritually, you may still be a child.
  2. Practice your confession out loud. Find a private place - even if it is your car! Hearing yourself say things out loud can help reduce anxiety. Even if you don’t want to say your sins out loud, say the prayers out loud.
  3. It’s okay to use an app like “Laudate” for confession. The examens are good and will help you keep your thoughts together. I bring my phone in and use this. If you don’t want to use your phone - bring in a paper copy of the order of the rite of penance with you! Here’s one from the USCCB: http://www.usccb.org/prayer-and-wor...enance/upload/Bulletin-Insert-Penance-ENG.pdf
  4. Use the screen. My parish encouraged ‘face-to-face’ and I just can’t do that very well! I’ve also found that I really can’t do the Parish Penance Service bit.
I’ve found that the younger the priest, the more patient they are! I’ve had awesome confessions with priests that went to the Josephinum or North American Pontifical.

I hope this helps.
 
Oh my I can’t imagine dealing with this for 30 years. I am truly jealous of those who seem to be able to go with ease. Of course, while still being contrite. Thank you for your suggestions. I will try to implement them as I wait to meet with a priest. It is going to take quite the bout of courage for me to schedule another appointment for this, but hopefully soon.
 
Wendy1989 said:
Oh, that we would be able to go into a confessional without anxiety! I’ve been Catholic for about 30 years and this is the one sacrament that scares the hair off me! While I have a bit of scrupulosity and anxiety, I’ve found some tricks to help me get my thoughts and words in sync.
  1. Daily examen. I teach 5th grade Parish Religious Ed and found that using an examen meant for children is a great way to start. Spiritually, you may still be a child.
  2. Practice your confession out loud. Find a private place - even if it is your car! Hearing yourself say things out loud can help reduce anxiety. Even if you don’t want to say your sins out loud, say the prayers out loud.
  3. It’s okay to use an app like “Laudate” for confession. The examens are good and will help you keep your thoughts together. I bring my phone in and use this. If you don’t want to use your phone - bring in a paper copy of the order of the rite of penance with you
  4. Use the screen. My parish encouraged ‘face-to-face’ and I just can’t do that very well! I’ve also found that I really can’t do the Parish Penance Service bit.
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This is great advice! I also tend to have anxiety when going to confession. I used to stand in line and pray for the grace to not leave the line. I would force myself to go at least once a month. In my anxiety and desire to get it over with, I often forgot sins. I started making a list and that helped. I’ve also found that practicing out loud really helps , especially with those sins that are more difficult to confess, whether because I perceive them as particularly bad or because they are difficult to explain.

I rarely suffer from anxiety any more during confession. I generally stick with the same confessor, who knows me well in and out of the confessional. That helps tremendously because I’ve become very comfortable with him. My anxiety is social anxiety. It is a lot easier to bare my soul to a trusted friend and father than it would be for me to confess to a stranger.

I much prefer face-to-face with a confessor who knows me. I know this runs counter to the advice generally given, but it works for me since my anxiety is primarily social. Regardless, my confessor only hears confessions face-to-face (Byzantine Rite), so if I want to confess to him or in my own rite, I don’t have an option. I do have a back-up confessor who is an FSSP priest. He generally only hears confessions behind the screen. He also knows me pretty well, but going behind the screen still feels extremely awkward to me.
 
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I understand where you’re coming from. I like the idea of anonymity when confessing at a place I do not frequent. Unfortunately for me at 24 years old I am unable to kneel for long periods of time due to chronic knee problems 😭 So anonymity will probably never be a realistic option for me. I think I would do significantly better as well if I could find a sole confessor that I see regularly. I have a couple local priests in mind - one at my local parish and one at a parish about 30 minutes away who I have heard good things about, but do not know. Prayers there is some resolution to this problem in the near future though because it’s been tough the last year and I desire to grow in my faith which feels impossible at this time.
 
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