Anxious about son going to college

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lovedbyHim

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šŸ˜¦ My anxiety is of a different nature. My husband is 62, works 60+ hours a week. I cannot work at this time due to health reasons. My husband was laid off and out of work for 9 months a couple of years ago. He took a job with a BIG pay cut and we now have no savings. Our son is a junior in a Catholic HS. We have been putting part of his tuition on credit cards each year. We have a lot of debt and live paycheck to paycheck.

We do not have any college fund for our son. My husband and I married 10 years ago when my son was 6. My husband paid for all of his other sonā€™s college and was his son was starting law school when his wife died. He paid the hospital bills off and Grandma had to pay the rest of law school.

I did not go to college. My husband has a Masters that he said he had to get student loans for and paid his own way through college.

Whenever I have mentioned college for our son in the past, my husbands attitude is that our son will have to pay for it himself, the way he did. I always assumed student loans and scholarships were easy to come by because of the way he just brushed off any urgency.

Now our son wants to go to a local college, 1 hour away to become a pilot. My husband wonā€™t talk about any planning- just tells him to join the Air Force. My son does NOT want to go into the military.

We are expecting a $3000 tax refund. My husband wanted to buy a new mattress for me. He said heā€™s tired of nothing getting done around the house due to my back pain and fibromyalgia, frequent migraines and CFS. I told him that would not cure all my problems, and I would rather live with the symptoms and start thinking about how our son will go to college. He will need transportation even to the junior college 30 minutes away. My husband got mad and said he doesnā€™t know what our son is going to do. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and walked away. I told him that is why we should NOT be buying a new mattress!!

Now whenever my son asks questions about college I feel like I have been lying to him. I have told him his academics (he is a straight A Honors courses student) will benefit him and school is extremely important to him. Now I feel like a hypocrite for sending him to a college preparatory school. We will still owe money on our credit cards for HS when it is time for him to go to college.

Taking a year off and working to save for a car is not an option, as child support will only continue while he is a student. If he leaves education and returns, the child support will stop but not start up again. And no, the father WILL NOT help will college at all.

So, my questions are:
  1. In this day and age is college, especially aviation, a possibility for my son or just a dream?
  2. How do people get scholarships? He is in drama and bowling for school and karate outside of school. He is not a star in any of these. Is that the only way to get money? If you are a star athlete?
  3. If he gets a student loan for a junior college first or university, what if he canā€™t pay it? Will it be a huge payment every month? Will he be set up for a lifetime of debt? Will he be better off financially if he doesnā€™t go to college so he wonā€™t have a loan to pay off?
  4. What do I do and where do I go? The school is no help and they look at me like I am an idiot when I tell them we have to college fund and I am asking questions about college ā€œstuffā€. (Maybe I am)šŸ¤·
  5. Is it too late?
My husband says HE got a student loan FOR HIS OWN COLLEGE, blah-blah-blah. (yeah, FOURTY YEARS AGO!) He paid for his other sonā€™s college, blah-blah-blah. (He and his wife had the CASH- FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!). This is so different for our son now and I am anxious,:eek: clueless:shrug: and SAD šŸ˜¦ . I feel like my husband sees our son as some bird heā€™ll just push out of the nest in 15 months and is not concerned at all.
 
The school guidance counselor should be able to help you with all of these questions-- finding sources of scholarships, information on student loands, work-study programs, etc. If the are not being helpful, they are not doing their job.

You can also contact the counselors at the junior college and make an appointment. They too can help with what financial aid will be available, and what scholarships your son may qualify for.

Some scholarships are based on academic grades and activities (such as being in the honor society, etc), some are based on future course of study, some are based purely on need.

Lots of local organizations like Lions, Rotary, KCs, Jaycees, etc, give out scholarships to high school seniors. Contact those organizations directly if your HS does not provide a list of the area businesses and groups that give out scholarships. Even our local parish gives out a small $100 scholarship to a Catholic senior. Itā€™s not much but it buys books or such.

Research locally and on the internet. Your son can pay for his school and work. Get him involved in the process, it is his future he should be in charge of it. And, you did not lie to him or encourage him in a misguided way. If he wants to be a pilot, he should research that school and talk to the financial aid people there who will discuss his options with him.
 
lovedbyHim said:
šŸ˜¦ My anxiety is of a different nature. My husband is 62, works 60+ hours a week. I cannot work at this time due to health reasons. My husband was laid off and out of work for 9 months a couple of years ago. He took a job with a BIG pay cut and we now have no savings. Our son is a junior in a Catholic HS. We have been putting part of his tuition on credit cards each year. We have a lot of debt and live paycheck to paycheck.

We do not have any college fund for our son. My husband and I married 10 years ago when my son was 6. My husband paid for all of his other sonā€™s college and was his son was starting law school when his wife died. He paid the hospital bills off and Grandma had to pay the rest of law school.

I did not go to college. My husband has a Masters that he said he had to get student loans for and paid his own way through college.

Whenever I have mentioned college for our son in the past, my husbands attitude is that our son will have to pay for it himself, the way he did. I always assumed student loans and scholarships were easy to come by because of the way he just brushed off any urgency.

Now our son wants to go to a local college, 1 hour away to become a pilot. My husband wonā€™t talk about any planning- just tells him to join the Air Force. My son does NOT want to go into the military.

We are expecting a $3000 tax refund. My husband wanted to buy a new mattress for me. He said heā€™s tired of nothing getting done around the house due to my back pain and fibromyalgia, frequent migraines and CFS. I told him that would not cure all my problems, and I would rather live with the symptoms and start thinking about how our son will go to college. He will need transportation even to the junior college 30 minutes away. My husband got mad and said he doesnā€™t know what our son is going to do. We live paycheck to paycheck as it is and walked away. I told him that is why we should NOT be buying a new mattress!!

Now whenever my son asks questions about college I feel like I have been lying to him. I have told him his academics (he is a straight A Honors courses student) will benefit him and school is extremely important to him. Now I feel like a hypocrite for sending him to a college preparatory school. We will still owe money on our credit cards for HS when it is time for him to go to college.

Taking a year off and working to save for a car is not an option, as child support will only continue while he is a student. If he leaves education and returns, the child support will stop but not start up again. And no, the father WILL NOT help will college at all.

So, my questions are:
  1. In this day and age is college, especially aviation, a possibility for my son or just a dream?
  2. How do people get scholarships? He is in drama and bowling for school and karate outside of school. He is not a star in any of these. Is that the only way to get money? If you are a star athlete?
  3. If he gets a student loan for a junior college first or university, what if he canā€™t pay it? Will it be a huge payment every month? Will he be set up for a lifetime of debt? Will he be better off financially if he doesnā€™t go to college so he wonā€™t have a loan to pay off?
  4. What do I do and where do I go? The school is no help and they look at me like I am an idiot when I tell them we have to college fund and I am asking questions about college ā€œstuffā€. (Maybe I am)šŸ¤·
  5. Is it too late?
My husband says HE got a student loan FOR HIS OWN COLLEGE, blah-blah-blah. (yeah, FOURTY YEARS AGO!) He paid for his other sonā€™s college, blah-blah-blah. (He and his wife had the CASH- FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!). This is so different for our son now and I am anxious,:eek: clueless:shrug: and SAD šŸ˜¦ . I feel like my husband sees our son as some bird heā€™ll just push out of the nest in 15 months and is not concerned at all.
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While we COULD pay for all of our children to go to college, we wonā€™t. We set up a 529 to pay half but with the current stock market, it wonā€™t pay half a year right now. Weā€™ve never considered paying the whole way. The kids are expected to do their share as both my wife and I did. Now there is good news. Many kids ā€œcoopā€ these days. Gaining real work experience along with college. Itā€™s a benefit that canā€™t be beat. Sure it takes longer to graduate, but some companies actually pay for the remaining schooling IF the kid is good enough. There are SO many opportunities for a child as you describe. Put faith in above and look for assistance that is out there.

As for your current situation. Wonā€™t the Catholic School he is going to grant you a scholorship or hardship discount? Have you asked? Really, running yourself into debt and possibly loosing your home is not what the school wants to see, either.

The idea of the student loan programs are to enable the student to pay for the loan AFTER they are working full time. I donā€™t know about the programs much these days but in my day they were interest deferred until after you quit school. Will the child support continue if heā€™s a part time student? Really, working while in school helps one appreciate the schooling more. My wife did this.

Many students go to local Community Colleges to save money. Itā€™s the nature of the beast, these days. No shame in it at all. In fact, it might be preferrable for you child if heā€™s used to a smaller campus.

Really, your health is important to you AND your family. Please prayerfully consider your husbands offer.
 
If your son is strong academically, and motivated, there probably isnā€™t a problem.

Make contact now with the college he wants to go to. Find out what scholarships and aid they have. Research where their graduates get jobs. Is there even a market for pilots who havenā€™t been in the military?

As to your questions:
  1. Yes, your son can go to college. What is his dream? Airline pilot? If thatā€™s true, you need to find out if that is possible.
  2. People get scholarships by spending time and energy looking for them and applying for them. A child that is academically strong could probably string together a few grants/scholarships.
  3. I donā€™t know about loans, but it is a good question- will this education set me up such a way that I have a skill to get an entry level job and start to pay off the loans.
  4. If your son goes to a private college prep high school, then I would imagine their counselors would be focused on the kinds of questions you have. Send your son to talk to his counselor.
The school should be doing a lot for the Junior parents to prepare them for next year. If they are not, well, I donā€™t know.
  1. Itā€™s never too late.
 
Your son needs to speak with a guidance counselor

Since you speak of child support, I am confused a bit - you expect the step father to pay for step sonā€™s college education? What about his father? The child support money, is it not to pay for school and school related expenses?

You say your son will not consider the military, if his heart is set on being a pilot at least investigating that option would be smart.

Maybe some marriage counseling for you and your second husband would help, it sounds as if you have some issues that are deeper that a tax refund.
 
First offā€¦ from what Iā€™ve HEARD (no personal experience here, just hearsay) it is EXTREMELY expensive to become a pilot if you do not go into the military. You have to log thousands of hours in private pilot lessons and it is very pricey to get these lessonsā€¦ so unless you have a friend who is a pilot teacher, itā€™s a challenging field for a financially struggling family to get into without going through the military.

I had NO assistance from my parents for college, but I did have a state sponsored scholarship (thanks to my high school academic achievements) and I took out some loans (which Iā€™m still paying back). I went to a state university - not an expensive private one, so that helped a lot too.

So yes, it is possible for students to pay their way through college, but keep in mind that flying isnā€™t a typical college major - normally you have to go to a special school for thatā€¦ again, costs can get very high, very fast.

Maybe the military is something to reconsider if flying is really his dream? šŸ¤·
 
A college education is not an entitlement, and you should not have the expectation that your husband would have your family live beyond their means to pay for it. What he did for his other son in better times is immaterial to the situation you are living in at the present.

My dad was a Navy pilot and I know many people that are commercial airline pilots. Almost no one that is a commercial pilot was able to swing that without having first served in the military. The only ones that I know who didnā€™t are my cousins, and their dad is a retired commercial airline pilot who started out as a Navy pilot. It is unreasonable to think that a family that is living paycheck to paycheck would be able to afford such private training.

Also, when you read what you wrote:

"My husband says HE got a student loan FOR HIS OWN COLLEGE, blah-blah-blah. (yeah, FOURTY YEARS AGO!) He paid for his other sonā€™s college, blah-blah-blah. "

Do you think that you might have a generally disrespectful attitude toward your husband?

It seems like you are expecting miracles from him while putting forth no effort yourself and are not expecting your child to have to contribute anything to his situation. Someone mentioned marriage counseling being a good idea, and I agree. Respect is a must.
 
If you canā€™t afford it, you canā€™t afford it. putting tuition on credit cards except for a short time to be paid off soon is a bad idea as you will be paying premium interest rates for a long time and face a threat to your own credit.

Your son has many options, working for a while to save for college, applying for a financial aid package that includes a combination of loans, grants and work study (the most common), for which you would file a revised parents financial statement based on new information about disability etc. Or he can work and go to school part time. Or he can joint the military and get education assistance and job experience at the same time.

there is no law that parents owe their children a college education.

however OP does not sound like a discussion of options for financing a childā€™s education, it sounds a lot more like fundamental disagreement between spouses on crucial areas of child rearing and family finances, which are beyond the scope of this forum.
 
In this economy a LOT of kids are being disappointed in their college expectations. Itā€™s VERY hard on them and on parents who expected to deliver for their children.

DEAL with it.

The best bargain in the country is a good community college that will shave $20,000 a year of the tuition bill.

As for becoming a pilot: I would want to learn to fly from the pros: I would join the Air Force or look for a college ROTC program that would give me both educational funding AND a shot at flying.

I have a friend who self-funded four years at Yale in the Navy ROTC.
 
Has your son taken the PSAT yet? That is the first step towards the National Merit Scholarships, which are very valuable. In my case, it wasnā€™t so much the NMS as the money on top of that that my college awarded me for being a National Merit Scholar. State schools will give the National Merit Scholars good money since it gives them prestige to say, we have X number of National Merit Scholars here. With what you have said about him wanting to be a pilot, I would look into Navy or Air Force ROTC as well. There is good money to be had there.

Scholarships are generally awarded on the basis of need and/or merit. Itā€™s not true that only geniuses or star athletes get help. But you need to get a early start with applying. I started applying for scholarships and looking at colleges as a high school junior. From what youā€™ve said about college being 15 months away he sounds like a junior. In that case, now is the perfect time to start. www.fastweb.com is a great site to find all kinds of scholarships.

To be honest, I think your son needs to be actively involved in this. It sounds like he just expects yā€™all to pay for college with no involvement on his part. šŸ¤· I was fortunate enough to have a small inheritance from a great-aunt, but my father made it crystal-clear to me that for anything over and above that, I was going to have to either get a loan or find a scholarship. It would have made no sense for him to clean out his retirement and go into debt on my account, when I have a lifetime to be able to work to pay it off. Dad encouraged me to come up with my own plan and get out there and apply for scholarships. It was a great experience and great preparation for the independence of college life.
 
Hi,

I just graduated from college, and I met several students who were paying for their education and/or financing it through student loans.

For example, I took out about $15000 over four years in government student loans. Check out www.fafsa.gov.

My brother and sister went to private colleges and had much higher tuition. They also took out student government loans, but they needed my parents to co-sign in order to take out more money ($80,000 total, ugh!). The interest rates were very reasonable. My freshman year the rate was 3% but by the time I graduated it was higher around 6.5%. Whatever you do, do not pay for college with credit cards. There are CHEAP loans out there for college!

I donā€™t think you should feel bad if you cannot afford to pay for your sonā€™s college. Be open with him about it. Explain it to him as an investment. Itā€™s like heā€™s opening a business: he takes out a loan now but he canā€™t pay it off yet. The objective is that the loan will allow him to get a job that will allow him to pay of the loan, and be better off (financially) than when he started. If he chooses that thatā€™s not for him, then let him find his own way.

Since your son wants to be a pilot, I would also suggest that he look into becoming an operator at a nuclear power plant. The control room looks just like the cockpit of an airplane (no windows though!). I suggest this because the nuclear industry is REALLY hiring lately. Thereā€™s lots of old guys from the 70ā€™s will be retiring soon.

God bless, I will say a prayer for your health and your family.

-mike
 
lovedbyHim said:
So, my questions are:
  1. In this day and age is college, especially aviation, a possibility for my son or just a dream?
  2. How do people get scholarships? He is in drama and bowling for school and karate outside of school. He is not a star in any of these. Is that the only way to get money? If you are a star athlete?
  3. If he gets a student loan for a junior college first or university, what if he canā€™t pay it? Will it be a huge payment every month? Will he be set up for a lifetime of debt? Will he be better off financially if he doesnā€™t go to college so he wonā€™t have a loan to pay off?
  4. What do I do and where do I go? The school is no help and they look at me like I am an idiot when I tell them we have to college fund and I am asking questions about college ā€œstuffā€. (Maybe I am)šŸ¤·
  5. Is it too late?
My husband says HE got a student loan FOR HIS OWN COLLEGE, blah-blah-blah. (yeah, FOURTY YEARS AGO!) He paid for his other sonā€™s college, blah-blah-blah. (He and his wife had the CASH- FIFTEEN YEARS AGO!). This is so different for our son now and I am anxious,:eek: clueless:shrug: and SAD šŸ˜¦ . I feel like my husband sees our son as some bird heā€™ll just push out of the nest in 15 months and is not concerned at all.
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I donā€™t know. Your husband sounds like a jag. If I were to hear that he put his own way through college, Iā€™d say ā€œGood for youā€ and pat him on the back condescendingly.

I think, at the very least, parents should help their children through college, if college is what they desire.

My parentsā€™ parents didnā€™t help put them through college, so they entered the workforce right away. Now, theyā€™re helping me through college (a little too much, I thinkā€¦ Iā€™ve been blessed!), and if Iā€™m blessed enough to rear a family, I intend on putting my children through college.

Besides, at that point in my life, Iā€™ll be at least in my 40s or 50s, nearing retirement age, and Iā€™ll have done the important things in life (Iā€™ve already traveled enough at my age to far outstrip the entirety of my family combined, with one notable exception), and as long as Iā€™ve raised a proper Catholic family, Iā€™ll be fine to live in a cardboard box. Just so long as my children have the ability to build their own way into the world.

But what do I know, Iā€™m only 21 and currently in college.

I will say I have seen a lot of posters on CAF say things along the lines of:
Screw my children! I raised them for 18 years of their lives, NOW THEY CAN GO AND DO IT BY THEMSELVES.

As a 21 year old, I abhor that viewpoint, and, in personal experience, the one person Iā€™ve seen do that was a horrible person (even her CHILD hates for her it). If I ever become like that, I hope God strikes me down.

On the other side of the coin, I have a good friend who IS working his way through college, because his family canā€™t afford it (they have other children who are younger than he is, and they live on a modest income). Heā€™s a straight A student, and is graduating early. I truly admire his hard work, and his effort. I would not, however, want to be in that position.

But, mainly, involve your child in this. See what he/she wants to do, where he/she wants to go, how you could pay for it. If your high school isnā€™t helping out, then give a call to the different colleges. They were certainly have someone in the Admissions department to help you out. After all, they want your kid to go to their school. ESPECIALLY if heā€™s a straight A student.
 
All 5 of my children graduated from college. They had summer jobs and started to save funds while in high school. They took jobs in college, student loans as well. I helped them what I could, and that was not much financially. Now my grandchildren are doing the same. It may take a little longer to graduate, but that is o.k. Your son is a bit young to know for sure he wants to be a pilot. In a few months he may want to be a lawyer. Stop worrying about all of this now. Take care of yourselves and your finances. Remember, not everyone has to go to college right out of high school. He could work a few years and save for his education. He will appreciate it a great deal more than if you gave up a good mattress and live pay check to pay check. You are getting close to retirement age. Better think about all of this and get some good counseling.

Love and prayers,
Mom of 5
 
To be honest, if your son wants a job in aviation (pilot or any other aspect), the best thing he could do is join the military, particularly the Air Force or Navy. My father, who trained in the Navy, worked as a pilot for 35 years and as a pilot supervisor for 10 years after that. For pilots, military experience is the first thing employers in that field look for.

My husband also works in aviation (in the technical area, working on radars and such). He spent 10 years in the Air Force and now works for the government in a civilian capacity. His father and all his brothers got their job training through the military and landed excellent jobs once they got out, even without finishing college.

My husband and his brothers all say the military was the best opportunity they ever got. My dad didnā€™t enjoy every aspect about it (his personality got in the way sometimes!), but he also says it was the best thing for him.

If your son is an A-student, negotiate with a recruiter. There are some very good deals right now for people entering the military and if he gets in on the right program, they would pay for most of his college! If you donā€™t have anyone in your family with military experience, ask around your parish. Veterans can give you some sound advice. Also see if your son can make an appointment to talk to some people at your local airport: the FAA workers might be able to point him in a good direction.
 
Some words of caution:

Going to school for Aerospace is extremely expensive. Your son will have to pay extra fees for the flight labs he will take in conjunction with his classes, and he will need to get all his ratings (private, commerical, instrument) outside of the school on his own time with his own money. My fiance is in his senior year as a pro-pilot major right now, and he dropped about $60k in the last 4 years for his ratings/flight time. Even as a certified flight instructor (another rating) he hasnā€™t yet logged the minimum amount of hours (1000 total/100 multi/100 instrument) to be hired on by a regional airline (the first step to getting on with a major, like Southwest).

As for the military route: that may be a good idea, but as far as I know (from talking to my fiance) the Air Force cannot guarantee that you will fly while you are enlisted. In that case, if your son does join the AF and doesnā€™t fly, well, heā€™s still enlisted. I think the Air National Guard will let you fly if you have all your ratings already, but your son may have to move somewhere remote (my fiance says Alaska).

Another thing, pay for pilots is terrible when they first start out. Minimum at a regional is $18k/annually. Of course, it gets better and pilots can elect to get more hours, etc. but itā€™s not the most family-friendly job right out of college. After a few years it gets much MUCH better: FedEx, UPS and Southwest pilots top out around 250k/annually; of course, it takes many years to get to that point!

Overall, being a pilot is not a decision to be made on a whim. My fiance loves flying; it is his passion and what heā€™s always wanted to do ā€¦ but right now it stresses him out a lot. He wants nothing more to be able to provide for me and our future family after he graduates and we get married, but starting pay is low and the hours are bad, too (average shift is 4 days gone, 3 days home to start out). Assuming he gets a job straight out of college (weā€™re praying the industry picks back up!!), it will take a few years before he can support the two of us and any children on his own. The situation works for us now because I already graduated and have a great job, but the commercial pilot lifestyle is not very conducive for family life.

In any case, encourage your sonā€™s talents and interests, but warn him to be cautious about jumping into this profession; if he really wants it - heā€™ll need to find some loans asap! If you have any specific questions about the cost of his ratings or college or the process of becoming a pilot, PM me and Iā€™ll put you in contact with my fiance. He would be happy to talk to you,

ā€“
 
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