Any advice for this situation?

[Mom_of_one]

Just a few minutes ago, my 7 y.o. son called me out to the living room and told me that he had a prize for me for “being the best mom ever”. I went out and he proceceded to whip of the blanket he was laying under and flash me.

I was FURIOUS!!! I told him to go to his room because that was totally inappropriate. He did not. I calmed down so that I talked to him about why that was wrong, and then spanked him.

To give a little more background on my son, he has ADHD and is hyper and impulsive. Today, he came home from dad’s extremely hyper, despite his medication. I had been having him do some physical activities to burn off some energy, but he had been home only a short time when this happened.

Anything else I should have or could have done?

 

[smartblkchick]

Mom of one:

Just a few minutes ago, my 7 y.o. son called me out to the living room and told me that he had a prize for me for “being the best mom ever”. I went out and he proceceded to whip of the blanket he was laying under and flash me.

I was FURIOUS!!! I told him to go to his room because that was totally inappropriate. He did not. I calmed down so that I talked to him about why that was wrong, and then spanked him.

To give a little more background on my son, he has ADHD and is hyper and impulsive. Today, he came home from dad’s extremely hyper, despite his medication. I had been having him do some physical activities to burn off some energy, but he had been home only a short time when this happened.

Anything else I should have or could have done?

I can understand you being upset. But, I would be more concerned about where a 7 year-old got that from. That just isn’t normal!

 

[Mom_of_one]

smartblkchick:

I can understand you being upset. But, I would be more concerned about where a 7 year-old got that from. That just isn’t normal!

Don’t worry, I will be talking to his counselor about this.

 

[Lisa4Catholics]

It sounds like he has seen something

 

[Mom_of_one]

Lisa4Catholics:

It sounds like he has seen something

Yeah, it could be. But do I ask him or let him bring it up?

 

[Princess_Abby]

You mention this happened a short time after having been at his father’s house. Since you were unable to witness whatever he may have been exposed to during that time period, I would maybe have a friendly and subtle conversation with your son about how he spent his time there this morning. Ask him about what shows he watched, books he saw, friends he played with, what Dad and Stepmom were up to. He may have turned the tv on and seen something sexually explicit, overheard an adult conversation, seen some girl across the street dressed provocatively, etc. and then had to process his physical reaction to any of those things. I would also explain what happened to his father and ask if he can think of anything that might have influenced the behavior and/or if he’s ever witnessed your son doing this.

Just so you’re not traumatized into thinking this is totally abnormal behavior, here is a website article written by Dr. Fred Kaeser, who has a doctoral degree in Human Sexuality studies from NYU. If you click on a link or scroll down, you’ll see his list of normative vs. problematic sexual behavior of children. He also discusses the context of these behaviors and specifically focuses on intent. He lists an “occasional flashing of one’s genitals” in a pre-pubescent child to be considered normal. (Again, evaulating the context. He alludes to situations where this would be extremely alarming, such as forcing a younger child to look, etc.)

aboutourkids.org/aboutour/articles/sexual.html

Your son wasn’t being threatening towards you nor attempting to coerce you into showing him anything private of yours, either. However, this obviously needs to nipped in the bud and I would discuss this with his counselor immediately. She knows him well enough to discuss whatever intervention is necessary to convey for his benefit the seriousness of respecting one’s body and having appropriate boundaries.

I think the best thing you did in the moment of the situation was discussing with him why this is inappropriate. Good job! After you speak with him and his father further, taking it to the counselor is a good next step.

 

[Mom_of_one]

Thanks, Princess. I will check out the website. I am not the type of mom to think that one bad behavior makes a disorder, but it did freak me right out.

 

[BLB_Oregon]

You have a counsellor who knows your child well, so I’d get his/her advice before approaching your child about this again.

My first guess is that your boy is simply at the age when “p**p” is the funniest word in the language, the penis is the most fabulous body part, and nearly anything that sets Mom off is worth the consequences, when life gets dull. I have seen this in many boys that don’t have anything like ADHD. One “test flash” is not a pattern of sexual acting out.

Don’t let behaviors meant to shock get too much of a rise out of you, or you’ll fan the flames. Just let him know firmly (when the situation comes up), that while the words and the body parts have their places, they are something that adults and big kids like him need to have enough common sense and self-respect to keep discrete and within appropriate boundaries. In other words, frame the behavior as an immature behavior, not a shocking behavior.

Once you have calmed down, call his dad and ask where the behavior might have come from. Do not make any accusations or imply that there was parent failure at the other house. My second guess is that the boy might have seen or heard something he shouldn’t have… like his dad and dad’s wife at an intimate moment when they thought the boy was asleep. These things happen.

In the event of the worst case, there might be some clues about a family friend that might have his dad wondering. The last thing you want is to make him defensive or tempted to withhold information. Don’t make any accusations… just get your facts straight so that you can give the counsellor the whole scoop and the boy’s dad knows what is going on, too.

Again… pray and pray and pray if you have to, but don’t make the call until you can remain calm. Whether you’re facing the least or most serious reason for this, your son still needs both parents on the same side, the same as ever.

 

[Ronin]

First thing you do is stop spanking him.

Second thing you do is stop medicating him.

Third thing you do is lose the attitude.

Fourth thing you do is talk to his father about the situation and try to work out a plan on how you two can be consistent in parenting. If that means swallowing your pride a whole bunch you DO IT. Your child is more important than your ego.

Fifth thing you do is NEVER ask your son about what goes on when he is with his father. Fear not, he will tell you all you need to know on his own.

Remember, kids pick things up from the weirdest places. Trying to assign blame is like nailing jell-o to a tree. When my daughter was in kindergarten she asked when she could start wearing a bra…

 

[tamccrackine]

Ronin:

First thing you do is stop spanking him…

Please don’t tell another parent how to discipline their child. As much as I’m sure there are other parents on here that would be mortified at the thought of spanking, to some of us, it’s a useful tool when used appropriately.

Ronin:

Second thing you do is stop medicating him…

Please don’t tell a parent this unless you are very congnizent of the situation. My neice is ADHD and on medication, but she’s also epileptic and has Turret’s syndrome. As much as she takes meds for epilepsy, she also takes meds for ADHD. I agree that society has overmedicated children, but it’s necessary in some cases.

Ronin:

Third thing you do is lose the attitude…

I didn’t see an attitude anywhere in the OP. I saw a mother that was concerned by an action her son took and wanted to know of another course of action from other parents that might be beneficial.

Ronin:

Fourth thing you do is talk to his father about the situation and try to work out a plan on how you two can be consistent in parenting. If that means swallowing your pride a whole bunch you DO IT. Your child is more important than your ego…

I’m sure the mother knows this but I’m sure you are also aware that 7 yr old boys can get into alot very quickly without either parent knowing so in that case, where do you put blame? I’d put it on the boy if in fact he was checking things out without the knowledge of mom or dad. And in some cases… it’s a blameless situation and you can only deal with the outcome and go from there.

Ronin:

Fifth thing you do is NEVER ask your son about what goes on when he is with his father. Fear not, he will tell you all you need to know on his own. …

A mother has every right to know what goes on where with her child. I’m sure she can figure out a way to talk to her son but if this was my son doing this… you can bet your bippy the FIRST thing I’d be asking (if I hadn’t already) was what he did/saw at dad’s. Yes, I’d ask some leading questions but this is akin to not discussing school with your child. “Gee, I’m not going to ask my child how school went and just hope they start talking.” I can tell you that if I wasn’t asked… I didn’t tell and MANY times I wished my parents had asked because I wanted them to know but didn’t know how to go about telling them or approaching a subject (it’s called immaturity in social skills… children are taught it from their parents and then at the same time, they are learning/realizing they can trust their parents.)

Ronin:

Remember, kids pick things up from the weirdest places. Trying to assign blame is like nailing jell-o to a tree. When my daughter was in kindergarten she asked when she could start wearing a bra…

Again, I’m sure the mother knows this… however, your example of your DD asking about a bra is SOOOOOO minor compared to a 7 yr old exposing himself to his mother. I understand your example in the sense they (children) pick weird things up… but come on, a bra versus exposure?

I’m sure you have the best of intentions, but I felt you came across as pretty harsh on the mother.

As for my two cents… I’d just start asking my son where he saw it and if it sounds like dear ol’ dad just wasn’t paying attention, I’d call him up and discuss it with him. But I think you handled it appropriately but if he’s made his first communion, I’d certainly have him go to Confession for dishonoring his mother. I wouldn’t freak about it (at least not in front of him) and if he’s apologized aptly and shown that he’s sorry, I’d let it go. Good luck!
theresa

 

[Lisa4Catholics]

Ronin:

First thing you do is stop spanking him.

Second thing you do is stop medicating him.

Third thing you do is lose the attitude.

Fourth thing you do is talk to his father about the situation and try to work out a plan on how you two can be consistent in parenting. If that means swallowing your pride a whole bunch you DO IT. Your child is more important than your ego.

Fifth thing you do is NEVER ask your son about what goes on when he is with his father. Fear not, he will tell you all you need to know on his own.

Remember, kids pick things up from the weirdest places. Trying to assign blame is like nailing jell-o to a tree. When my daughter was in kindergarten she asked when she could start wearing a bra…

You are totally out of line You owe her an apology period! I can not believe you spoke to her that way

 

[Ronin]

tam,

Advice was asked for and advice was given.

It is up to the reader to determine value.

There is never a need to spank a child. (Please note that there is a big difference between slapping a child on the wrist while saying “NO” and beating a child). Corporeal punishment as a form of discipline is merely an admition that one does not know how to parent. In a divorce context where the child is put under so much stress and potentially conflicting parenting styles, love and understanding is the only solution.

Medication for diagnosed illness is one thing. The abuse of ADHD as an illness and the medications prescribed is criminal (moreso in divorce situations where parents are unable to cope with the emotions of a child so dope them up to keep them quiet).

Blame? Why is there blame? Who says there has to be anyone to blame?

The child is 7, not 17…

 

[MariaG]

Mom of one:

Just a few minutes ago, my 7 y.o. son called me out to the living room and told me that he had a prize for me for “being the best mom ever”. I went out and he proceceded to whip of the blanket he was laying under and flash me.

I was FURIOUS!!! I told him to go to his room because that was totally inappropriate. He did not. I calmed down so that I talked to him about why that was wrong, and then spanked him.

To give a little more background on my son, he has ADHD and is hyper and impulsive. Today, he came home from dad’s extremely hyper, despite his medication. I had been having him do some physical activities to burn off some energy, but he had been home only a short time when this happened.

Anything else I should have or could have done?

Yes, you said you told him to go to his room and he did not.

Did you then pick him up and carry him there? At 7, you can still carry them to their room.

Whether or not telling him to go to his room was the first thing you should have done is moot. The point is you told him to go, and he didn’t. You should have followed through with your first punishment.

And although I do think spanking has its place, at age 7, there are so many more effective forms of punishment. Grounding from tv, video games, friends house. All of those when taken away for short periods I have found to be much more effective than spanking for a 7 year old.

But I completely agree that this is something that needs to be further discussed, preferably with his therapist. The words he used seem curious for a child that age. Either someone said it to him and flashed him, or he heard or saw something he probably shouldn’t have in person or on tv while at dad’s or a neighbors house.

Don’t worry about it unless the behavoir repeats itself. But do deal with it further at the therapist’s office.

God Bless,
Maria

 

[Mom_of_one]

Ronin:

First thing you do is stop spanking him.
**I try to spank only when something absolutely serious has arisen. Not a routine thing for me. **

Second thing you do is stop medicating him.
**My son has been having issues with ADHD since he was 3 years old. I diagnosed him myself, but I let the experts do their job and diagnose him officially, since they wouldn’t listen to me. (I’m just his mother, what do I know?) He has been having problems in school since he was 3. And that was in pre-school. He has done better since the time he has been on medication. I will do whatever is necessary to help my son be the best that he can be. If he needed medication for his heart, I would give him that, so it’s no different. **

Third thing you do is lose the attitude.
**What attitude? Because I said that I was furious? That’s a feeling, not an attitude. And any attitude I do develop works in helping my son. **

Fourth thing you do is talk to his father about the situation and try to work out a plan on how you two can be consistent in parenting. If that means swallowing your pride a whole bunch you DO IT. Your child is more important than your ego.
**We usually are. I don’t know where you got the idea that we weren’t. I admit we have had our problems in the past, but we both have tried to work together for our son. **

Fifth thing you do is NEVER ask your son about what goes on when he is with his father. Fear not, he will tell you all you need to know on his own.
If the situation warrents it, I do and I will. Unless there is something specific, however, I generally keep it to “Did you have fun at daddy’s?” Never anything like "Did dad and stepmom have a fight?"

Remember, kids pick things up from the weirdest places. Trying to assign blame is like nailing jell-o to a tree. When my daughter was in kindergarten she asked when she could start wearing a bra…
I’m not trying to assisgn blame. I’m usually the one that gets it. Nor do I wish to, unless something serious comes of this. If dad has porno magazines around, then I will haul his butt into court and assign PLENTY of blame. But I believe that this is just a weird thing that kids do and not from seeing porn.(Again)

 

[Mom_of_one]

MariaG:

Yes, you said you told him to go to his room and he did not.

Did you then pick him up and carry him there? At 7, you can still carry them to their room.

Whether or not telling him to go to his room was the first thing you should have done is moot. The point is you told him to go, and he didn’t. You should have followed through with your first punishment.

And although I do think spanking has its place, at age 7, there are so many more effective forms of punishment. Grounding from tv, video games, friends house. All of those when taken away for short periods I have found to be much more effective than spanking for a 7 year old.

But I completely agree that this is something that needs to be further discussed, preferably with his therapist. The words he used seem curious for a child that age. Either someone said it to him and flashed him, or he heard or saw something he probably shouldn’t have in person or on tv while at dad’s or a neighbors house.

Don’t worry about it unless the behavoir repeats itself. But do deal with it further at the therapist’s office.

God Bless,
Maria

Carry him to his room?! My son is BIG. Not fat, just very tall. Almost as tall as I am. There’s no way that I could pick him up. That is what I used to do when he was younger, but alas, no more. And, spanking is used only for something serious, like this(the flashing coupled with the disobedience).

 

[MariaG]

Mom of one:

Carry him to his room?! My son is BIG. Not fat, just very tall. Almost as tall as I am. There’s no way that I could pick him up. That is what I used to do when he was younger, but alas, no more. And, spanking is used only for something serious, like this(the flashing coupled with the disobedience).

Okay, maybe drag him to his room in your case

I know of one mother whose 15 year old, 6foot son had asked to go to a party. She said no. About 20 minutes later he started to leave. She asked him where did he think he was going? Out. was the answer.

She proceded to tackle him and pin him to the ground, (She admits in retrospect there may have been other options, but she couldn’t think of any and was desparate for him not to go. It seemed to be a crucial turning point moment)

After she pinned him to the ground, she said, I am still your mother and you will obey me. After that, their relationship started to turn around. Not a Dr. Phil moment, but thankfully, it did work.

But if you are not willing to make him do a particular punishment, or unable to do it, don’t say it. So I guess unless you want to drag your son to his room or gain compliance in another way, don’t tell him to go there unless you can guareentee his compliance at this point. As I am sure you know follow through is very important and it was the crucial piece, in my opinion, missing from the scenario as related about the “go to your room”.

**For mine, when they choose to disobey, I don’t drag them, but I do start taking things away. **

Example: Do it now or you will not play your video games for 1 day. more arguments from them, I just say “2 days” and keep going until they choose to obey. If I get to 7 days and no budging, I add different item or event to the list. Always warning what new item or event I am going to take before the item is taken in order to give them a chance to comply.

God Bless,
Maria

 

[Mom_of_one]

Ronin:

tam,

Advice was asked for and advice was given.

It is up to the reader to determine value.

There is never a need to spank a child. (Please note that there is a big difference between slapping a child on the wrist while saying “NO” and beating a child). Corporeal punishment as a form of discipline is merely an admition that one does not know how to parent. In a divorce context where the child is put under so much stress and potentially conflicting parenting styles, love and understanding is the only solution.
My son’s father and I have been apart since before my son was born. This is not a situation where there is added stress or conflicting parenting styles. On and off there have been issues between my son’s father and I, I will freely admit that, but that has nothing to do with this. And I don’t beat my child. Ever. Spanking is not abuse, even Child Protective Services says so. How do I know? My sister is a CPS worker. I have a patient who is in the child protective system and have spoken with her CPS worker on a number of occasions. I, myself, am a mandated reporter, so I have to know what is abuse and what is not. I do know how to parent, but it can be challenging when there is a child who is stubborn, willful, and has ADHD to a degree that seriously affects his life.

Medication for diagnosed illness is one thing. The abuse of ADHD as an illness and the medications prescribed is criminal (moreso in divorce situations where parents are unable to cope with the emotions of a child so dope them up to keep them quiet).
He has a diagnosed illness. He has been diagnosed by a social worker, a psychiatrist, a nurse(me), a pediatrician, and he was also part of a research project, studying ADHD, and they also concluded that he had ADHD. You have NO IDEA what it has been like to get my child the help he needs. He has been struggling since he was 3 with school, and has been extremely hyper, impulsive, and has major trouble paying attention. Even his hearing tests have come back, at times, indicating a problem, but when it is repeated, the test comes back normal. The ones who do this test feel that it is due to him not paying attention. I had the same problem as a child. Guess what? I was diagnosed with ADD when my son was around 2 years old. That is one reason I knew my son has ADHD, because I have it myself. And believe me, I wouldn’t drug my kid just to quiet him. And that suggestion is ludicrous. I would get him a counselor first.

Blame? Why is there blame? Who says there has to be anyone to blame?

The child is 7, not 17…

 

[Princess_Abby]

Those of you who are critiquing Mom of One’s parenting skills seem to be neglecting the actual point of this thread.

Advice for the SITUATION is what Mom of One requested. Not a discussion on corporal punishment. Not whether or not her son is truly diagnosed with ADHD! Nor to discuss the appropriateness of her choosing to medicate her son for a bona fide condition, either!
.

 

[tamccrackine]

my response is in bold, then followed on the end…

Ronin:

tam,

Advice was asked for and advice was given. on the situation, not how she handled it.

It is up to the reader to determine value. you’re right… but you reacted in a judging manner of her parenting skills, not the situation on which she asked for advice

There is never a need to spank a child. **So I, and obviously a few others, disagree… ** (Please note that there is a big difference between slapping a child on the wrist while saying “NO” and beating a child). **MOST parents that utilize spanking as a tool in their arsenal of discipline tactics are VERY, VERY aware of this. **

Corporeal punishment as a form of discipline is merely an admition that one does not know how to parent. **Since when? makes me wonder if you have children because I find this very judgmental and insulting. ** In a divorce context where the child is put under so much stress and potentially conflicting parenting styles, love and understanding is the only solution.

Medication for diagnosed illness is one thing. The abuse of ADHD as an illness and the medications prescribed is criminal (moreso in divorce situations where parents are unable to cope with the emotions of a child so dope them up to keep them quiet**wow… I really don’t know if I’m more disgusted by this comment or the one on spanking. ** Try being the parent of a child with ADD or ADHD… I said I agree with the overmedication of some children… but I do recall stating it’s necessary in some cases. We are not to judge a parent because we don’t know what’s going on.

Blame? Why is there blame? Who says there has to be anyone to blame? **you said something to the effects of assigning blame is like trying to nail jell-o to a tree. **

The child is 7, not 17…and what a better time to address an issue such as flashing someone!!!

I’m sorry if you misunderstood the OP’s intent but please don’t misunderstand mine. What I take serious offense to is your comment on the inability to parent because there are those of us that choose to use spanking for certain situations. You know NOTHING of a family’s dynamics to make such an ignorant claim. I respect that it’s your opinion, but like I said before, please don’t tell a parent how to raise their child. Yes, advice was asked, but on the situation, not how to raise her child.

I respect your opinion and your right to express it however I still believe you owe the OP an apology for the hostile manner in which you judged her post without addressing the situation.

 

[Mom_of_one]

MariaG:

Okay, maybe drag him to his room in your case

I know of one mother whose 15 year old, 6foot son had asked to go to a party. She said no. About 20 minutes later he started to leave. She asked him where did he think he was going? Out. was the answer.

She proceded to tackle him and pin him to the ground, (She admits in retrospect there may have been other options, but she couldn’t think of any and was desparate for him not to go. It seemed to be a crucial turning point moment)

After she pinned him to the ground, she said, I am still your mother and you will obey me. After that, their relationship started to turn around. Not a Dr. Phil moment, but thankfully, it did work.

But if you are not willing to make him do a particular punishment, or unable to do it, don’t say it. So I guess unless you want to drag your son to his room or gain compliance in another way, don’t tell him to go there unless you can guareentee his compliance at this point. As I am sure you know follow through is very important and it was the crucial piece, in my opinion, missing from the scenario as related about the “go to your room”.

**For mine, when they choose to disobey, I don’t drag them, but I do start taking things away. **

Example: Do it now or you will not play your video games for 1 day. more arguments from them, I just say “2 days” and keep going until they choose to obey. If I get to 7 days and no budging, I add different item or event to the list. Always warning what new item or event I am going to take before the item is taken in order to give them a chance to comply.

God Bless,
Maria

You are absolutely correct about me following through. I should have. I think that I was so stunned and so angry at first that I didn’t make him. Then, I talked to his father and it was decided that a spanking was in order for the flashing and for the disobedience. However, the follow through with my original decision most likely would have been better, not because spanking in wrong, in most cases, but because it is about a child learning to respect my parental authority. Changing my mind often would not be a good thing. Funny thing is, I usually do make him follow through. I’ll have to keep an eye on myself to make sure that I am even more consistent. Thank you.