Any advice how I can get along with my sister better?

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Rozellelily

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My sister and I (adults) used to get along really well but lately we are fighting more and more and seem on different wavelengths.
I feel hurt because sometimes she doesn’t care when she’s hurt my feelings and won’t communicate.
Like if I say (calmly) I’m hurt about “xyz” she will literally just walk out of the room and keep doing whatever else or will literally just not answer or communicate in anyway so I’m just expressing myself “to the air” (so to speak).

This makes me even more upset or mad.
I in turn also have the issue of not being able to forgive unless she’s truly sorry.
I find it impossible to forgive someone who doesn’t care even though I’ve tried saying prayers to be able to.

We both have flaws-her indifference and me not being able to let go of things easily😡
I even feel like I’m a less loving person now and don’t know how to move past my feelings and be loving anymore towards her.
We used to laugh about stuff together but now we just fight.
 
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This is a relationship question that most likely women are going to be able to answer best. 🙂 But it might help to know where you two are approximately age wise. I mean like 20 and 22 would be different situation and dynamics versus 30 and 32 etc. just for the sake of giving you good advice.
 
Mid 30’s and 40-neither married.
But our dynamics are really not much different than if we were 22 lol.
 
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Maybe it just has a lot to do with where she is at in her life psychologically, situation wise , and spiritually, if you know what I mean.

If you’re sister’s being “difficult” such as just self-absorbed and inconsiderate etc. there’s only so much you can do. Try to be the best Catholic and best sister you can be, regardless of how much of a “stinker head” your sister is being.
 
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Rozellelily said:
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I find it impossible to forgive someone who doesn’t care even though I’ve tried saying prayers to be able to.
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A view of forgiveness as based upon feelings is incorrect because we don’t have full control of our feelings. We can be responsible for how we strive to manage our feelings and any unjust willful thoughts or acts of vengence. Forgiveness means a willingness to let go of the anger, which is even before the feeling goes away.
 
Thanks but isn’t it the feeling that stops the willingness?
Iow how can I make an act of the will to forgive when my hurt feelings prevent it.
 
Rozellelily said:
Thanks but isn’t it the feeling that stops the willingness?
Iow how can I make an act of the will to forgive when my hurt feelings prevent it.
Click to expand...
Emotion is a reaction and can cause or motivate subjects to act. And emotions are states of persons. The intellective capacities are not emotions and cognition can influence and control emotions. All actions are not instinctual (for example, fear of falling) or habitual (for example, pleasure at the sight of a loved one). When will is directed to something through choice, even the emotions follow. We may consent to our emotions, or withhold consent from them.

St. Thomas Aquinas considered emotion to be an objectual non-volitional affective psychological state. So four types of psychological activity can be identified:
  • sensitive cognition, called perception – external and internal senses,
  • sensitive appetite – emotions,
  • intellective cognition – thought and reasoning,
  • intellective appetite – free will.
There are two ways to use cognition to change emotion:
  • Use imagination to present something in a different view, to trigger different emotional response.
  • Use intellect to affect the understanding of a particular situation, such as reminding oneself of general truths.
 
@rozellelily, I understand your dilemma. My husband left me last year after 23 years of marriage- we are civilly divorced but still are sacramentally married. I didn’t want this, and I struggle daily; vacillating between anger and forgiveness. But I have to remember that he’s damaged emotionally from past experiences, and that he’s a child of God and this helps me to get my anger into check and pray for his salvation.

I hope that helps. Maybe approaching her in a lunch-type setting (“hey lets go have brunch-my treat!”), and then showing MUCH mercy and patience, you can let her know YOUR perspective (“I feel hurt when…”), that will work.
If not, then you need to let it go- let go of expecting her to apologize for ANYTHING. If you lower your expectations, then you can’t “feel” hurt. She is who she is - even if that’s changed over the years.
 
Thanks for the advice.
I’m extremely sorry for your situation,it must be a very hard thing to go through.
 
Is it possible she’s suffering from depression? Maybe just ask her what’s going on?
 
It is; but it gets easier with time. I’m most concerned with how it’s affected our kids, especially the youngest. Because he’s still going to church and portraying himself as a faithful Catholic despite some of the things he’s doing, it’s led to confusion and resentment from our kids.
 
I can see how that would be confusing to your children.
Were their any signs or red flags before you got married?
 
Not to the extent of the damage; no. There were things hidden that would have made a difference in my decision to marry him.
 
You probably need to spend less time together (at least for now) and maybe you should talk to a therapist about being more effective talking to her.
 
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