Any advice??

[belmontmac]

Hello all, hope someone can offer me some advice. My wife and I were both raised as Catholics, and have brought up our 3 kids the same. I have had a recent renewal through CRHP weekend in our Parish, and now have a much stronger desire to deepen my faith than her. For example, during Lent, I wanted to attend Stations every Friday, wanted to go to Mass Thursday-Sunday for each of the different Masses, participate in the CRHP process for new team formation, etc. I get ugly looks from her, and she tells me I am a fanatic, and she is too busy for this at this point in her life. I have to say I totally disagree with her about most, but she is my wife, and I need to keep peace at home, but don’t feel right about giving in and not doing what I feel I would like to do. Other than that, in my eyes I am a great husband and father, work and family consume all my time, no hobbies or outside interests, just want to make more time for the Lord. Any advice?

 

[1ke]

It’s not clear whether the crux of the issue, is it that:

You want to do these things with your wife and she’s not interested

or

You want to do these things and are willing to do them by yourself and she resents you doing them at all

 

[belmontmac]

It’s not clear whether the crux of the issue, is it that:

You want to do these things with your wife and she’s not interested

or

You want to do these things and are willing to do them by yourself and she resents you doing them at all

Thanks for the reply, it is both I guess. She encourged me to to CRHP to see what it was about, as she heard so much about it, so I went, and had a whole new look at my Faith and practicing it. So I try to include her, but she doesn’t seem as interested as I am, so I am left to do them alone, sometimes with the kids, makes it hard and creates tension.

 

[Em_in_FL]

My initial thoughts were leaning toward what I think 1ke is implying…
Is your desire to attend these putting extra burdens on your wife? Is she the one left at home to care for the kids exclusively?
CRHP is a wonderful weekend retreat - but isn’t it ALL weekend?
Maybe she’s feeling a little used or neglected so that you can get your own personal “spiritual high” - which is *wonderful *in and of itself, but not at the *expense *of your wife…

 

[belmontmac]

My initial thoughts were leaning toward what I think 1ke is implying…
Is your desire to attend these putting extra burdens on your wife? Is she the one left at home to care for the kids exclusively?
CRHP is a wonderful weekend retreat - but isn’t it ALL weekend?
Maybe she’s feeling a little used or neglected so that you can get your own personal “spiritual high” - which is *wonderful *in and of itself, but not at the *expense *of your wife…

Yes initally it is a weekend retreat, and then I decided to present to the next group, so we met on Sunday night a 7pm weekly, for 2 hours usually, for 6 months, and then did the weekend again as the presenting team. Can not stress what a fantastic experience the whole process was. Spiritual high, yes initally, but a life changing experience overall. Extra burden yes, but don’t I deserve some time for my interests, the same as if she wanted to go to the gym one night a week, or out with a girlfriend for coffee, or a girls weekend?? I would take the extra burden for her in a heartbeat. Theres nothing I would want more than to grow in our Faith together, she’s content where’s shes at, I want to grow more, and she has a problem with that.

 

[1ke]

Thanks for the reply, it is both I guess. She encourged me to to CRHP to see what it was about, as she heard so much about it, so I went, and had a whole new look at my Faith and practicing it. So I try to include her, but she doesn’t seem as interested as I am, so I am left to do them alone, sometimes with the kids, makes it hard and creates tension.

Well, it seems to me she’s OK with you pursuing your own spiritual growth, she’s just not particularly interested in making it a family affair. I’m sure that’s difficult with your new found desire to be more involved.

From what you describe, it sounds like you went from one extreme to the other. Wanting to go to Stations every Friday and Mass every day seems like it may be unrealistic when you have work and family obligations. Let me suggest that you try to do just one: Stations or daily mass. And, do daily mass only if you can do it at a time when it doesn’t disrupt the family schedule. For example, at my old office there was a Catholic Church just a few minutes away that had a noon mass every day during lent. So, I could go during my lunch hour. Try to find something like that. If not, then perhaps pray the Liturgy of the Hours at home.

Invite your wife to participate, find things you can do as a family like advent wreath, meal prayers, Jesse Tree, lenten prayers- but don’t go so overboard that you start to alienate your wife.

Sounds like she’s just in a different place spiritually, and also may feel like she’s more pressed for time-- if you are off at retreats, mass, bible studies, whatever… then she’s the one at home dealing with bath time, homework, cooking, cleaning, etc.

I think the key thing here is to find a balance, and to realize that you don’t have to be at Church doing “things” in order to grow spiritually-- you can do spiritual reading, pray the divine office, pray the rosary, etc, all at home. Try to ramp up to bigger things-- like suggest the family go to Stations as a family ONE Friday during Lent and then suggest another, etc.

 

[Em_in_FL]

I agree with 1ke that she’s just at a different place spiritually, and you can’t force her to understand and want to join with you… so another aspect to keep in mind is that from HER viewpoint (yes, less spiritual than you, but keep an open mind) you are “falling in love” with something other than HER. YES, it may be a “higher calling” to deepen your faith, but at the same time you may be driving a wedge between your wife and HER faith - she could become resentful of faith in general…
Marriage is a call to help each other ATTAIN holiness - not one at the expense of the other.

 

[belmontmac]

Well, it seems to me she’s OK with you pursuing your own spiritual growth, she’s just not particularly interested in making it a family affair. I’m sure that’s difficult with your new found desire to be more involved.

From what you describe, it sounds like you went from one extreme to the other. Wanting to go to Stations every Friday and Mass every day seems like it may be unrealistic when you have work and family obligations. Let me suggest that you try to do just one: Stations or daily mass. And, do daily mass only if you can do it at a time when it doesn’t disrupt the family schedule. For example, at my old office there was a Catholic Church just a few minutes away that had a noon mass every day during lent. So, I could go during my lunch hour. Try to find something like that. If not, then perhaps pray the Liturgy of the Hours at home.

Invite your wife to participate, find things you can do as a family like advent wreath, meal prayers, Jesse Tree, lenten prayers- but don’t go so overboard that you start to alienate your wife.

Sounds like she’s just in a different place spiritually, and also may feel like she’s more pressed for time-- if you are off at retreats, mass, bible studies, whatever… then she’s the one at home dealing with bath time, homework, cooking, cleaning, etc.

I think the key thing here is to find a balance, and to realize that you don’t have to be at Church doing “things” in order to grow spiritually-- you can do spiritual reading, pray the divine office, pray the rosary, etc, all at home. Try to ramp up to bigger things-- like suggest the family go to Stations as a family ONE Friday during Lent and then suggest another, etc.

I agree, it was one extreme to another. Clarification, not daily Mass or Stations every Friday, just Stations during Lent, and the Easter Masses from Thursday thru Easter Sunday. Otherwise just Sunday Mass, with the exception of special Masses when they come about. And a occasional CRHP renunion or meeting, but havent had one for 3 months. That is what started this is I mentioned to her I have to go to a meeting on Sunday night for the new team, and I got the ugliest look like I don’t know. Otherwise I am the same guy I was before, just with a different purpose, and I did make some friends from the experience, which are nice to see.

 

[1ke]

I agree, it was one extreme to another. Clarification, not daily Mass or Stations every Friday, just Stations during Lent, and the Easter Masses from Thursday thru Easter Sunday. Otherwise just Sunday Mass, with the exception of special Masses when they come about. And a occasional CRHP renunion or meeting, but havent had one for 3 months. That is what started this is I mentioned to her I have to go to a meeting on Sunday night for the new team, and I got the ugliest look like I don’t know. Otherwise I am the same guy I was before, just with a different purpose, and I did make some friends from the experience, which are nice to see.

Well, underlying all of this is your wife’s inability to communicate in an adult manner.

Ugly looks are not the realm of productive, adult discussion.

So, I suggest you focus on improving the way you communicate with each other, this is bound to encompass more than just spiritual aspects. If she acts like that in this instance, I suspect there are others where you get “the look.”

Greg Popcak has a great book called For Better, Forever… (but it’s a “Catholic” book so you may get “the look” on that too). The book Crucial Conversations is out of the business world, but it’s excellent and applies to personal life as well.

Anyway, this doesn’t seem to be-- at the root-- a spiritual matter at all. It’s a communication issue.

 

[underhismercy]

The closer you come to Jesus the more He will show you how to love her as He loves her…Allow her to have her own spiritual journey . Trust the Lord for the outcome *in His *timing… pray without ceasing . I Thess 5:17

:twocents:

 

[belmontmac]

1ke, thanks for the responses. Communication can be problematic at times, she is kinda her way or the highway type of gal, very strong personality, has been for our 13 years of marriage. But I love her for that. I am not really trying to push Faith down her throat. Just don’t understand why she gets so ugly about it, bothers me, don’t think it is right.

 

[belmontmac]

The closer you come to Jesus the more He will show you how to love her as He loves her…Allow her to have her own spiritual journey . Trust the Lord for the outcome *in His *timing… pray without ceasing . I Thess 5:17

:twocents:

Thanks for the good advice, kinda where it has been going.

 

[dashso40]

I was the same way to my husband,he was much more faithful than me and I used to resent him going to church…Than something happened last year where I completely turned my back against God…It took me a few months but I realized my bad ways and I think the Holy Spirit touched me, I joined a bible group,and now my faith surpasses his but he loves that I am like this…So there may still be hope for your wife…help her around the house a lot and with the kids and she’ll feel like she has more time…God Bless you

 

[belmontmac]

I was the same way to my husband,he was much more faithful than me and I used to resent him going to church…Than something happened last year where I completely turned my back against God…It took me a few months but I realized my bad ways and I think the Holy Spirit touched me, I joined a bible group,and now my faith surpasses his but he loves that I am like this…So there may still be hope for your wife…help her around the house a lot and with the kids and she’ll feel like she has more time…God Bless you

Thanks, and God bless you too… I felt the same way. Don’t get me wrong, my wife is not anti Church at all, we go to Sunday Mass almost every week, unless something is more pressing in her eyes, which is wrong in my eyes, but I go along with her not to create tension. But I know it is wrong.

 

[purplesunshine]

I’d say that it’d be important to bring the kids with you. Don’t leave her to feel like you found religion and are dumping the kids on her while you seek to find Jesus. Plus, its good for the kids.

 

[lil_flower_luv]

It seems like you are getting some great advice from these good people here on CAF, so I will be sure to keep you and your family in my prayers!

 

[belmontmac]

I’d say that it’d be important to bring the kids with you. Don’t leave her to feel like you found religion and are dumping the kids on her while you seek to find Jesus. Plus, its good for the kids.

Absolutley not the case, kids are very involved in the Church(at least for their age)

 

[takers]

I noticed in your response that you mentioned that ‘you’ not ‘we’ decided that you would participate in the CHRP retreat and then weekly meetings. Did you discuss signing up for these activities with your wife before doing so? Or did you get so excited that you signed up without including her in the discussion? If you didn’t include your wife in the discussion prior to signing up I could see how she’s be upset.

 

[whatevergirl]

*If your wife was not Catholic, I could somewhat see the issue, but since she is…I’m puzzled at why she has issues with your desire to grow in holiness…that is all you are trying to do–grow in holiness. I’ll pray that she sees it like that, instead of you trying to force anything upon her. If she chooses to not partake of the things that you wish to do, in your faith journey…so be it. Pray for her to see that what you’re doing is a positive thing, that really, can only help your marriage.

Does your wife view you as the spiritual head of household? When you say she goes through life as ‘her way or the highway,’ how do you react? *

 

[belmontmac]

I noticed in your response that you mentioned that ‘you’ not ‘we’ decided that you would participate in the CHRP retreat and then weekly meetings. Did you discuss signing up for these activities with your wife before doing so? Or did you get so excited that you signed up without including her in the discussion? If you didn’t include your wife in the discussion prior to signing up I could see how she’s be upset.

Well she suggested I sign up and go one morning after Mass, and I did, the weekend was 2 weeks later. After the weekend, she was surprised and disinterested for herself, and we had a CRHP meeting a week later, where, you are asked to continue the process and carry on to present to the next group. Kinda hard to say no to the Holy Spirit, in my eyes.