Any hope for Delusional Wife?

[Tis_Bearself]

You really need to stop worrying this to death like a dog with a bone.
Your wife is almost certainly mentally ill, based on what you’ve described of her behavior and the overall situation.
You have been with her for a very long time including 12 years before you were married. If things were good between you at certain points of that, you’re probably holding onto those memories and not noticing that they’re like occasional needles in a haystack of haywire.
At this point, it’s likely you’ve developed a codependent relationship with your unwell wife and you’re having trouble letting it go.

Please reach out to a counselor or therapist. Not to “fix the marriage”, not to “fix your wife”, but to help you look realistically at this whole situation.

 

[DazedANDconfused]

I agree with everyone; there are plenty of reasons to leave and be justified. The problem that I am having is what God would have me do. I’ve prayed to Him in every way that I know how…I have considered the option of leaving this marriage as much as I have as sticking with it and hoping for a breakthrough via counseling or whatever. I don’t get peace for either direction.

She refused a marriage counselors offer to see us today. I think that she knows she’s wrong but can’t let her fragile ego risk it. I don’t think that she wants to give up the victim role. If only she knew how her friends and family truly felt…

I guess my next move is to help her move back in with her parents, 500 miles away, and start bracing for a divorce to come afterwards. I let her parents know what she wants, and that if they don’t man up and tell her the truth that she’ll be their problem again really soon, and they were fine with it.

Please keep me in your prayers, everyone. In retrospect, while my wife may not have been mature/of sound mind enough to get married, I was 100% sure. I do not want this.

 

[Irishmom2]

At this point, if she wants to go home to her parents, let her go without a fight. Perhaps they will see she has a problem that needs help and convince her to go. Separation may help.

But you can’t fix someone that won’t agree to get help. And she will drag you into her illness if she doesn’t get help.

 

[DazedANDconfused]

That’s what I plan to do. Hopefully her parents get sick of her crap and finally tell her what they tell me; they know she’s messed up. She’s definitely got a lot of internal demons. She prays all of the prayers to Mary and the Saints, yet she lies right through her teeth about the facts and is unwilling to see an actual marriage counselor.

Last time she was in counseling, I showed up to one of the sessions. Her counselor sided with ME. I think that’s why she’s refusing to see another.

ANYONE that sides with me has suddenly been manipulated by me into doing so, per her.

 

[MNathaniel]

Maybe she was dishonest going into that wedding and God chose not to bless us?

Are you trying to figure out whether you have grounds for an annulment? That’s a conversation to have with your priest, if so.

As for the rest, I agree with every commenter that you need to get yourself into counselling, whether or not your wife agrees to go. You need help to handle this situation. (And I mean help handing your side of this situation; not help ‘making your wife make the right choices’. Your wife’s choices are hers alone; that is out of your hands, and she might make bad ones.)

 

[DazedANDconfused]

Not looking into any annulment justifications, more along the lines of, would God intervene if He wasn’t okay with the marriage from the start? I get free will and mental illness and all, but God can work many wonders. We are both Catholic (I’m a convert). I expect God to intervene in Catholic marriages according to His will. I’ve personally seen Him do things that are just inexplicable, so I fully believe that He could remove this dark cloud in her mind and let her make a clear choice instead of mentally ill one.

It’s all just so irrational that I question my own sanity. Maybe I’m the crazy one?

I guess, in my limited understanding, I’m just feeling unheard by God. I can’t imagine that His plans would include a full on divorce of a Catholic marriage unless He was against it from the start. I feel no convictions of my own self by Him, no matter how much I pray, read the Bible, sit in silence. I can’t find anything that to fault myself or repent from. I just need SOMETHING from Him, good or bad.

Edit: I am going to schedule my own appointment with that counselor no matter what happens.

Also, if we can’t expect to lean on God in these sort of circumstances, then what’s it all for? At some point, God needs to show himself to be evident in ones life if there is an actual relationship, as per the Bible. I fully expect God to move in an obvious way, for or against my own wishes, from time to time.

 

[MNathaniel]

Also, if we can’t expect to lean on God in these sort of circumstances, then what’s it all for? At some point, God needs to show himself to be evident in ones life if there is an actual relationship, as per the Bible. I fully expect God to move in an obvious way, for or against my own wishes, from time to time.

You can absolutely lean on God in these circumstances. The support He gives you may not be the healing of your wife’s mental illness, though. It may be the fruits of the Holy Spirit (peace, patience, charity, gentleness, self-control, etc) that He strengthens in you, that enable you to keep carrying your cross all the way to the end. We each have different crosses to bear. It may be that a mentally ill wife who leaves you, will be part of your cross. But He will help you to carry that, if you turn to Him and ask for the graces by which to do so. Offer it all up to Him – and continue to love and serve God even when you can’t see the ‘reward’ from it. Our reward is in the next life – not this one.