Any ideas?..Being a burden to others jinxes my accepting personal suffering

[foolishmortal]

I feel like I could take the disobedience and insults of some kids in my class (I am an EFL teacher in the most Confucian society in East Asia–imagine my surprise at this behavior when I started my first class). That caused me anxiety then; anymore, whatever. It’s a cram school. If some don’t want to learn, it’s not going to kill their grades and life if I stink at teaching. It’s that they disrupt the other native teacher’s class that has caused me unbelievable anxiety. I’ve been reading “Uniformity with God’s Will”. Is it God’s Will for the other teacher that my class disrupts his? My uniformity is my business with God, though its effects spread to others, but should I be content to be mistreated by students if it involves another being troubled? I feel responsible for failing students who want to learn by not controlling the others as well as wasting the parents’ money (even if our being there might be what brings in their money and though I have no official training or experience, yet told to manage the kids). On top of that, I fail them, other expats, my Guardian Angel, Mary, and God in different ways by any loose talk that comes from trying not to be scrupulous and by a weak prayer life due to giving into my anxieties from work.

I don’t even know what God’s Will is. How do I know I’m not pretending my will is His if I engage in inadvisable humor thinking I am fighting scrupulosity (it could be laxity)? If I don’t get enough sleep and waste away in my stress, is that passive aggressive subconscious suicide? I do sometimes wish God would take my life if I have supernatural grace (Is despair of holiness, since you or others will cause you to lose ground living in the world and no order or priests you respect for your soul’s safety are interested in talking to you or giving you a novitiate try or is the despair of never going to heaven so why concern yourself about it a mortal sin). Am I fully awake to commit a mortal or any sin if I have an undiagnosed-as-such sleep disorder that leaves me groggy and unable to focus the next day (I was getting good sleep before I started classes)? Can you feel awake enough to feel you can make an accurate decision on the sinfulness of an action, but really not be? Of course, that sleep deprivation contributes to more weakness in my thinking, prayer life and teaching and the cycle continues with a bit more stress [or maybe it comes out even, as some kids not in my class (kids of teacher-parents who are too young to be in classes) think I’m fun and I snap out of my misery as long as I’m with them or I find something very funny]. I will miss them a lot. They are like angels keeping me from totally flipping out, I think.

I heard about a good lay community called Madonna House, which apparently specializes in listening to problems, but I still have 4 months to go before I’m done with my contract.

Thanks for any ideas!

 

[Ruthie]

Hang in there, dear.

Does the other teacher control his/her classes better than you do? Then ask him/her for advice on what to do, and follow it.

It does sound like you may be dealing with scrupulosity. Some priests get impatient with the scrupulous. They shouldn’t - but priests are human, too.

Our Mother Mary is the perfect mother. She will never look at you as a failure, just as a struggling and beloved child of hers. Don’t be afraid to go to her in prayer, and to lean on her.

Two things that I find helps me to sleep:

One, I ask Mary to take me under her mantle, then think about being snuggled up next to my perfect mother under her cape.

Two, I try to pray the rosary before I fall asleep. Many times I only get through one decade before I nod off. I also hold my rosary all night, like a security blanket.

These work for me, and I have chronic insomnia!

I hope this helps you. I’ll pray for you, too.

Ruthie

 

[BarbaraTherese]

Quoting foolishmortal

I feel like I could take the disobedience and insults of some kids in my class (I am an EFL teacher in the most Confucian society in East Asia–imagine my surprise at this behavior when I started my first class). That caused me anxiety then; anymore, whatever. It’s a cram school. If some don’t want to learn, it’s not going to kill their grades and life if I stink at teaching. It’s that they disrupt the other native teacher’s class that has caused me unbelievable anxiety.
I’ve been reading “Uniformity with God’s Will”. Is it God’s Will for the other teacher that my class disrupts his? My uniformity is my business with God, though its effects spread to others, but should I be content to be mistreated by students if it involves another being troubled?

Uniformity with God’s Will does ask that discernment of what God’s Will in a situation may actually be - and in the instance above, there is an issue of justice towards the other teacher and his class, as well as an issue of charity. Hence in controlling your own class you are acting justly and lovingly towards the other teacher and his class. Uniformity with God’s Will is certainly not always just accepting some form of suffering and doing nothing about it - and certainly not if that suffering is not only affecting oneself adversely but others also.

I feel responsible for failing students who want to learn by not controlling the others as well as wasting the parents’ money (even if our being there might be what brings in their money and though I have no official training or experience, yet told to manage the kids).

As a teacher, you have a responsibility and accountability towards God and His Will who has called you to be a teacher towards your own students, their parents, the school that has hired your services, and as mentioned previously this other teacher and his class.

On top of that, I fail them, other expats, my Guardian Angel, Mary, and God in different ways by any loose talk that comes from trying not to be scrupulous and by a weak prayer life due to giving into my anxieties from work.

I don’t even know what God’s Will is. How do I know I’m not pretending my will is His if I engage in inadvisable humor thinking I am fighting scrupulosity (it could be laxity)? If I don’t get enough sleep and waste away in my stress, is that passive aggressive subconscious suicide? I do sometimes wish God would take my life if I have supernatural grace (Is despair of holiness, since you or others will cause you to lose ground living in the world and no order or priests you respect for your soul’s safety are interested in talking to you or giving you a novitiate try or is the despair of never going to heaven so why concern yourself about it a mortal sin). Am I fully awake to commit a mortal or any sin if I have an undiagnosed-as-such sleep disorder that leaves me groggy and unable to focus the next day (I was getting good sleep before I started classes)? Can you feel awake enough to feel you can make an accurate decision on the sinfulness of an action, but really not be? Of course, that sleep deprivation contributes to more weakness in my thinking, prayer life and teaching and the cycle continues with a bit more stress [or maybe it comes out even, as some kids not in my class (kids of teacher-parents who are too young to be in classes) think I’m fun and I snap out of my misery as long as I’m with them or I find something very funny]. I will miss them a lot. They are like angels keeping me from totally flipping out, I think.

These are spiritual issues that need to be addressed and by spiritual direction - can you make an appointment with a priest to address the above issues?
Certainly outside stress and pressure, or interior stress and pressure, can lessen the gravity of any sin…or even preclude sin altogether. But it would take a spiritual director or priest to sort all the above out for you. You may need some form of therapy and a priest would identify this necessity if it exists and how to go about locating a therapist.

 

[littleone]

Hi in a way I know where you are at. My team leader is very much my student at work relying on my informed consent about jobs he is supposed to lead.
You might read my thread “when blessings come from pain” it could give you some leads. I will pray for you.
Godbless

 

[foolishmortal]

So far, thanks!

BTW I’m not for the “mercy” killing of those who feel they are burdens or for asking for that. They just are not able to do anything to help and so lightening their burden is for the others’ charity and it’s ok to be so helpless.

I know I have no training or experience, but I feel responsible anyway. I am at a loss as to how to shut up the talkers. They only show respect to the native teachers and that’s only when they are around. I’m not sure what more I can do. I don’t know how to be effectively punish or be assertive. That and games are difficult for me to wrap my mind around. Telling a melancholic to cheer up or to manage a classroom does not always translate into something you can effectively do. I’m a book geek who can be silly. If I am melancholic, as Fr. Conrad Hock had it, I would probably say something nasty or do something unjust if I gave my passive-aggressiveness a break. If I shouted, I’d be making as much noise, probably. I have tried sending kids out. They either left for good or thought it was a game. I’ve told them to be quiet, irritatedly. Are there any teachers here? My mom, who teaches kindergarten, said she knows of trained teachers who just couldn’t do it. Maybe I’m putting too much on my shoulders. It takes a while for me to reset and count my blessings. We have a 4 day vacation, so maybe that will do it.

I have been slow in discovering ways of finding a spiritual director. Maybe that is my fault or an extension of the fault of brooding. As a melancholic, though, who do you trust to give you straight answers? There is one, though. I thought he wasn’t interested, but I realized he was given a phone and it must not have been a cell phone. It’s taken me a while to get the confidence to try again. He was not like “Oh, we’d better talk” after I said I was stressed out (little things add up until I don’t remember how I came to stop doing things I like to do or how I came to cussing on my own with every word that does not involve heavenly host when I dropped something) so I at first thought he wasn’t interested in talking to me either.

It’s like, maybe I should accept this suffering as God’s Will, but I still don’t know what to do what I’m supposed to do right in this situation when it involves others.
BTW I was not forthcoming enough before as some things that made me exasperated did not and still do not involve others, but now I wish for when it was so simple it did not involve others, but me. Back then, it was all new and set the whole teaching thing off on a bad note as it should have been a walk in the park.

Well, thanks! I’ll try this priest a devout Catholic told me about here tomorrow.