Any other adoptive parents out there?

[eeurogirly]

We are a family of five and are adopting a child from China. Can anybody share their experience or recommend a resource for creating some sort of order and peace that the child can find comfort in?Thank you so much!

 

[Anglewannabe]

My brother was adopted before I was born. And I resented all the attention he got so he would not feel like the outsider. In other words, you need to make sure the other kids are loved just as much as this new kids or else it will be 5 against 1.

Angie

 

[eeurogirly]

Oh my gush Angie, that sounds incredibly painful what you went through,not feeling like you got the needed attention. I will keep what you said in mind. Thank you!

 

[robwar]

I have 3 adopted internationally. I am not sure what you mean or are looking for in your question. I am assuming that your other 5 are from birth. You should look at it as just adding another child in the family like you have already done with your others. How old will your child be? Be confident since you already are an experienced parent and everyone will be fine.

 

[Anglewannabe]

Well… since you value my opinion, here is some more advice. Let’s say your older kids are named A, B, C, D, and E. Once you adopt this child, you need to refrain from comments such A has his grandfather’s nose, B has her aunts eyes, C, D and E have these characteristics from other relatives. The 6 child will not have any resemblance to other members and those comments will cut deep. Yes, I got the short end of the stick but I still can have sympathy for the adopt kid.

Next, depending on the age the adopted kid, this may of may not be appropriate. Nonetheless, here it goes. If you have a routine, for example, no eating in front of the TV and the adopted kid comes from an atmosphere where eating in front of the TV is allowed, you can not take on the attitude ‘This kid is new to my family so I will let her eat in front of the TV’. That will make the other kids resent her. The rules are the same for all 6 kids. So unless you are willing to let the other 5 eat in front of the TV, they I would NOT let the new kid practice her old routine.

My cousin and his wife adopted two kids internationally since they could not have their own. The wife just wanted to be a mom. She thought these kids would worship the ground she walked on for bringing them out of the poverty of an orphanage:banghead:

The first English the little girl learned was ‘I can’t wait to be old enough to go back to Europe and live with my really mommy.’ So what did the wife do??? She complained to everyone about how ungrateful this kid was Don’t be surprised if this kid eventually accuses you of not loving her because she is not biological. Just tell her that you really wanted an other child and after reading all the profiles you chose her and then name the qualities you like in her. And if the truth of the matter is, the agency gave you a child and you had no say in the matter… tell a little white lie and tell this kid she was chosen for her and then go to confession

 

[robwar]

Well… since you value my opinion, here is some more advice. Let’s say your older kids are named A, B, C, D, and E. Once you adopt this child, you need to refrain from comments such A has his grandfather’s nose, B has her aunts eyes, C, D and E have these characteristics from other relatives. The 6 child will not have any resemblance to other members and those comments will cut deep. Yes, I got the short end of the stick but I still can have sympathy for the adopt kid.

Next, depending on the age the adopted kid, this may of may not be appropriate. Nonetheless, here it goes. If you have a routine, for example, no eating in front of the TV and the adopted kid comes from an atmosphere where eating in front of the TV is allowed, you can not take on the attitude ‘This kid is new to my family so I will let her eat in front of the TV’. That will make the other kids resent her. The rules are the same for all 6 kids. So unless you are willing to let the other 5 eat in front of the TV, they I would NOT let the new kid practice her old routine.

To be honest, I really think depending on the age of all the kids involved, there will be a lot of different types of challenges. They will all be solved through prayer and following God’s will

Angie

I think you are worrying about little things that will take care of themselves once your child is here. If you are concerned about the difference in looks, then you need to rethink this or discuss that issue with your adoption agency. A child coming from an orphanage isn’t going to be eating in front of a tv for dinner at all. I think you would be surprised at the sparse and spartan life that children in orphanages have. They certainly do not have those kinds of luxury and your fears on this type of issue are unfounded. Of the things I have read, families that do adopt international with birth children at the home do end up celebrating and doing cultural things from the birth country. Angie, your attitude is very negative about adoption. The things you are expressing are not based in any reality at all. You are making straw men to knock them down. The scenarios and examples are not real and given out of anger.

 

[robwar]

We are a family of five and are adopting a child from China. Can anybody share their experience or recommend a resource for creating some sort of order and peace that the child can find comfort in?Thank you so much!

Please do not listen to advice given out of anger and bitterness. Adoption is a beautiful thing and everyone wins it in. The best thing for your is to discuss any and all your concerns with your agency. Likewise, there are many support groups with those who have adopted from China. I wish you the best and you will be in my prayers.

 

[eeurogirly]

I have 3 adopted internationally. I am not sure what you mean or are looking for in your question. I am assuming that your other 5 are from birth. You should look at it as just adding another child in the family like you have already done with your others. How old will your child be? Be confident since you already are an experienced parent and everyone will be fine.

Hi?Yes, my other three kiddos are mine from birth,ages 1,4 and 9. I guess my question is about how important it is to keep routines,etc…

 

[agapewolf]

I am adopted— youngest of 5, the other 4 not adopted.

Never did a comment about physical features of the family “cut deep”

I had a “special day” ( gotcha day)

 

[eeurogirly]

I think you are worrying about little things that will take care of themselves once your child is here. If you are concerned about the difference in looks, then you need to rethink this or discuss that issue with your adoption agency. A child coming from an orphanage isn’t going to be eating in front of a tv for dinner at all. I think you would be surprised at the sparse and spartan life that children in orphanages have. They certainly do not have those kinds of luxury and your fears on this type of issue are unfounded. Of the things I have read, families that do adopt international with birth children at the home do end up celebrating and doing cultural things from the birth country. Angie, your attitude is very negative about adoption. The things you are expressing are not based in any reality at all. You are making straw men to knock them down. The scenarios and examples are not real and given out of anger.

Rob,

Not concerned about the difference in looks AT all. We are definitely planning on celebrating the child’s heritage, as a matter of fact,my husband speaks Chinese. What I am doing is a sort of " nesting" when you want to make changes last minute to the way you run your household. I just feel I need to get more routines in place.Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

 

[robwar]

Hi?Yes, my other three kiddos are mine from birth,ages 1,4 and 9. I guess my question is about how important it is to keep routines,etc…

With a 1 year old that is a lot already.routines are important so I am assuming that you will end up with 2 very young ones close of age. I think I might try to wait till the baby is a little older but I am not sure of all your circumstances. There is always an adjustment period with any child coming in. My second son cried for 5 days when first home. My daughter latched on to me right away but was very sick at first. Its a big change for them as you. Each child is different and will have a different adjustment. allowing yourself and them time is important. Since you have to travel to China, what are you going to do with the others? These are some practical things to think about.

 

[robwar]

Rob,

Not concerned about the difference in looks AT all. We are definitely planning on celebrating the child’s heritage, as a matter of fact,my husband speaks Chinese. What I am doing is a sort of " nesting" when you want to make changes last minute to the way you run your household. I just feel I need to get more routines in place.Thanks for your (name removed by moderator)ut!

I originally mistook that post from you, which I tired to edit out and tried to change it back to that posters myths and anger. Sorry about the confusion! I think with a routine, you will have to really wait and see what the needs are of the new addition. If the new one is sick, or can’t take the new formula, etc that might dictate more of the routine than anything. Each of my three had something to adjust to. The first one, he took a long time to be able to fall asleep without being held. You might want to think about what will the needs be of the new child and then adjust to that first. Routines are funny things, you can’t truly plan until everyone is together and then go from there.

 

[eeurogirly]

Thanks!thats very helpful.
So many books written about the neccesities of routines that you feel like a bad mother if you don’t have every moment planned out. We should get our LID any day now! All the kids from China have a condition. It is a seven year wait for a healthy child! I am impressed that you adopted three times!

 

[Anglewannabe]

I think you are worrying about little things that will take care of themselves once your child is here…

I don’t plan on adopting so I honestly don’t understand the comment.

If you are concerned about the difference in looks, then you need to rethink this or discuss that issue with your adoption agency.

I know what it is like to come from a family with biological and adopted kids. My brother was 2 years older and 5 inches shorter than me. I know the harm it does to kids first hand. The way the other kids always mocked us. I am pointing out the reality

A child coming from an orphanage isn’t going to be eating in front of a tv for dinner at all. I think you would be surprised at the sparse and spartan life that children in orphanages have. They certainly do not have those kinds of luxury and your fears on this type of issue are unfounded. .

I was using the TV as an example that different kids have different routines. I think you are focusing on the TV as opposed to the point I was trying to make.

Angie, your attitude is very negative about adoption. The things you are expressing are not based in any reality at all. You are making straw men to knock them down. The scenarios and examples are not real and given out of anger.

I think adoption is great. I am simply pointing out there are challenges and parents need to be aware of them. The examples are based on the reality of things that have happened in my family.

 

[Anglewannabe]

I am adopted— youngest of 5, the other 4 not adopted.

Never did a comment about physical features of the family “cut deep”

I had a “special day” ( gotcha day)

I think it is great that the comments of physical features never cut you deep. However, it does not change the fact that different people have different perspectives and to some kids that were adopted when the other kids weren’t do feel hurt by these things

 

[eeurogirly]

Growing up can be painful due to many circumstances,whether it is while living with biological or adoptive siblings.

 

[avem]

Well… since you value my opinion, here is some more advice. Let’s say your older kids are named A, B, C, D, and E. Once you adopt this child, you need to refrain from comments such A has his grandfather’s nose, B has her aunts eyes, C, D and E have these characteristics from other relatives. The 6 child will not have any resemblance to other members and those comments will cut deep. Yes, I got the short end of the stick but I still can have sympathy for the adopt kid.

Next, depending on the age the adopted kid, this may of may not be appropriate. Nonetheless, here it goes. If you have a routine, for example, no eating in front of the TV and the adopted kid comes from an atmosphere where eating in front of the TV is allowed, you can not take on the attitude ‘This kid is new to my family so I will let her eat in front of the TV’. That will make the other kids resent her. The rules are the same for all 6 kids. So unless you are willing to let the other 5 eat in front of the TV, they I would NOT let the new kid practice her old routine.

My cousin and his wife adopted two kids internationally since they could not have their own. The wife just wanted to be a mom. She thought these kids would worship the ground she walked on for bringing them out of the poverty of an orphanage:banghead:

The first English the little girl learned was ‘I can’t wait to be old enough to go back to Europe and live with my really mommy.’ So what did the wife do??? She complained to everyone about how ungrateful this kid was Don’t be surprised if this kid eventually accuses you of not loving her because she is not biological. Just tell her that you really wanted an other child and after reading all the profiles you chose her and then name the qualities you like in her. And if the truth of the matter is, the agency gave you a child and you had no say in the matter… tell a little white lie and tell this kid she was chosen for her and then go to confession

As an adoptee, I thank you for your comments, except for the chosen bit. Adoptees are not chosen, and even if we were, we had to be un-chosen first. Adoption can only exist due to tragedy (and/or corruption, especially in the case of international adoption). Don’t forget that. As the Rev. Keith C Griffith once said, “Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”

The OP should find adult transracial and international adoptees to talk to about what the experience of being adopted and growing up non-white in a white family/society is like and how adopters can best help their child through this lifelong journey. Most of the older transracial and international adoptees are Korean, but most of the issues are the same.

And definitely do NOT ignore advice that you think comes from “anger” or “bitterness”. Adoption hurts a lot of people, both personally, and more relevantly, systematically, and you cannot guarantee, no matter what you do, that your child won’t be one of them - the ones who have serious problems with the system of adoption as it is practised by Western countries and/or who can’t cope with adoption as well as others. Everyone reacts to trauma differently.

 

[katy]

Ray Guarendi (sp?) is a psychologist with 10 adopted kids. You might check his stuff out. We have an adopted child who is doing great as an adult, but her teens were from hell. I’d be most concerned about the middle school years myself.

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

We are a family of five and are adopting a child from China. Can anybody share their experience or recommend a resource for creating some sort of order and peace that the child can find comfort in?Thank you so much!

Unless you are adopting an older child, you don’t have to do anything. A lot of people make big, detailed plans, but then they get home, and the child is going to dictate everything anyway.

Most issues that you need to know will be addressed by the adoption agency. here are some of the more important points:

Chinese children generally bond very well with their adoptive parents, and that bonding will take place in the week and a half or so you are in China. You will have to deal with the jet lag; the child will be wide awake in the middle of the night for a few weeks or so, and you will have to work your schedule around that.

Chinese children, in general, do not drink milk and are lactose intolerant. Some orphanages are reputedly giving milk to children just to get them used to it; but I don’t know if that is true or not. In general, give the child soy milk as it can give the child major gas, and possibly cause them to projective vomit (firsthand experience on that one…lol). Same with their diet. Try to very gradually introduce the child to the western diet. Your Chinese guide will likely be able to help you with that.

Lastly, when you get home, you should bring your child to a doctor to get checked out, preferably by a doctor that deals with foreign adopted children, or at least Chinese children. They will check for things that western doctors are not familiar with.

 

[Anglewannabe]

As an adoptee, I thank you for your comments, except for the chosen bit. Adoptees are not chosen, and even if we were, we had to be un-chosen first…

.

Thank you for your honesty. Let me explain where that comment came from. I used to ask my mom ‘If you did not get pregnant with me would you have adopted another little girl’ and she would say ‘No, I was content with what God gave me and when He sent you to me I was willing to accept His will’. As a kid I took it personally and though I was not wanted. I always wished she would have said ‘Yes but I got you so I didn’t have to’ even if it was a lie. So I just assumed an adopted kid would want to feel chosen. My bad

Adoption can only exist due to tragedy (and/or corruption, especially in the case of international adoption). Don’t forget that. As the Rev. Keith C Griffith once said, “Adoption loss is the only trauma in the world where the victims are expected by the whole of society to be grateful.”

.

These are good points. However, my mom always made it clear that the reason my brother’s mom put him up for adoption was because she was a good women who loved him. I heard so often that story about how it is a sign of love to give your kid up for adoption, I still think most adopted kids were born in good circumstances. Just the after math of my upbringing

And definitely do NOT ignore advice that you think comes from “anger” or “bitterness”. Adoption hurts a lot of people, both personally, and more relevantly, systematically, and you cannot guarantee, no matter what you do, that your child won’t be one of them - the ones who have serious problems with the system of adoption as it is practised by Western countries and/or who can’t cope with adoption as well as others. Everyone reacts to trauma differently.

So true. There are so many adopted people in my family and they all have a different perspective on it

Angie