Any other adoptive parents out there?

[eeurogirly]

Thank you for your (name removed by moderator)ut Avem. I do see the difficulties that could arise from being a non white person in a white family. As for corruption, it is real,it is happening. What I can do is go the most ethical path I can with a Hague accredited adoptions agency with a good reputation. The corruption is not the norm,but the rare occasion that still happens. I think we need to hear what adoptees have to say about their experiences,how else can we improve as parents. Being grateful? I don’t expect that from my adopted child but she can expect unconditional love!

 

[eeurogirly]

Unless you are adopting an older child, you don’t have to do anything. A lot of people make big, detailed plans, but then they get home, and the child is going to dictate everything anyway.

Most issues that you need to know will be addressed by the adoption agency. here are some of the more important points:

Chinese children generally bond very well with their adoptive parents, and that bonding will take place in the week and a half or so you are in China. You will have to deal with the jet lag; the child will be wide awake in the middle of the night for a few weeks or so, and you will have to work your schedule around that.

Chinese children, in general, do not drink milk and are lactose intolerant. Some orphanages are reputedly giving milk to children just to get them used to it; but I don’t know if that is true or not. In general, give the child soy milk as it can give the child major gas, and possibly cause them to projective vomit (firsthand experience on that one…lol). Same with their diet. Try to very gradually introduce the child to the western diet. Your Chinese guide will likely be able to help you with that.

Lastly, when you get home, you should bring your child to a doctor to get checked out, preferably by a doctor that deals with foreign adopted children, or at least Chinese children. They will check for things that western doctors are not familiar with.

Thank you for sharing your experience and giving the advice about milk! That advice in itself can prevent a lot of transition issues to a new diet! We are adopting a child three or younger because our youngest is 22 months old. Making plans,I see now,is not really productive. Like when I made a birth plan for the birth of my other children-things definitely do not go as planned!

 

[baby_of_grace]

We are a transracial family. My husband and I are white and our daughter is African American. Get ready for a whole of lot comments from strangers. We’ve been asked offensive questions like “How much did she cost?” and “Why did her real mother give her away?”. When people ask you what feels like intrusive questions, try to understand why. They may be interested in adoption and see you as a resource. Or…they may just be nosy. Your child’s story is their story to tell. Respect their privacy and shut down Nosy Nellies.

The more open you are about adoption, the more that your child will adjust well. Remember that adoption comes with loss, and you can never brush off your child’s loss of birth family. Be positive about it. Read articles, books. Go to adoptive families.com. Talk to a child therapist to educate yourself.

Your agency may be able to get you in touch with other adoptive families. We are in a play group and I think it’s extremely important for my daughter to see other families that look like hers. See if you can start one, we did!

Adoption is the greatest gift. We did not save our daughter. Our daughter saved us. Congratulations on your new baby!

 

[eeurogirly]

We will definitely join or start a group for transracial adoption families. I think it is a beautiful truth that as we are becoming a more diverse family our children are being raised to become more open hearted. We will be very open with our child about what we know about their birth family.

 

[marymary1975]

My cousin has three biological children and two adopted children. Her and her husband are Caucasian and their adoptive children are Indian so in the very beginning she was expecting race comment issues but so far they’ve had none. I don’t know if it is because people are more used to interracial families but they’ve never had a comment over the race. I also think you have to be very open from the beginning. My cousin made an adoption story book for them and since they were babies they would tell them their adoption story in a very fairytale matter. Also my cousin has joined several adoption groups with adoptive families similar to her (interracial) they do meetings, have play dates together and the kids get to see other families just like them. Seems that has benefited the kids a lot. Maybe you should look for groups in your area with adoptive parents. It may be very helpful.

 

[robwar]

OP, you sadly have been given some bogus and bad advice from a couple of angry people.
After having been through three international adoptions, I can tell you that the one comment about “corruption” in international is lies and myths. Any international adoption first has to be approved by Immigration starting with the parents. Secondly, the us embassy interviews all birth mothers as well as DNA tests them with the baby to avoid any and all false mother, child situations and accusations. Thirdly, the birth mother has to agree to the child to be placed for adoption with a US couple. Fourthly, and only then does the adoption move forward in the countries legal system. For situations where there had been abandonment, there has to be a proven effort to find the birth parents.

 

[Anglewannabe]

OP, you sadly have been given some bogus and bad advice from a couple of angry people.
.

I am very curious as to what in my post have made you think I have given advice out of anger. When someone asks questions she will get a variety of responses and very often people who have been through the same thing will see it differently. I honestly would like to know why it seems such a big nerve has been struck in you

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

For situations where there had been abandonment, there has to be a proven effort to find the birth parents.

In China, the situation always involves abandonment. Birth mothers are not permitted to abandon their children, and if they ever come forward, they will be arrested. China is also a great country to adopt from, as there adoption system is very structured and rarely do issues arise.

---

With regard to some of the other posts, we are an interracial family, and rarely get comments. We do get looks, though, but that doesn’t bother us in the least.

Lastly, with regard to to the adopted child, I recommend being as open and honest as possible, at the age appropriate level, of course. Don’t hide anything from the children. Withholding information from the children can be taken by them as they did something wrong. The kids do ask questions, but we withhold nothing. As a result, they are completely comfortable with their situation, to the point where they even joke about it (e.g., “if you keep acting crazy like that, mom’s gonna send you back to China!”)

 

[eeurogirly]

Yes, I believe that China is one of the most ethical countries you could go through! We are excited, but at the same time it has been made clear to us that all the adoptable children have some health issue. So far we have only been introduced to children with severe health issues,such as cerebral palsy, epilepsy,etc… . We are very honest about what we can handle,since we already have three children and our intent is to be good parents to all of our children. But at this point we aren’t officially logged in yet. Any day now though

 

[TheWarriorMonk]

We are excited, but at the same time it has been made clear to us that all the adoptable children have some health issue.

This is something that has changed over the years. The last time we adopted, late 2005, completely healthy children were readily available and the wait was incredibly short; about 6 months between the time the dossier was sent in and the time we went. The program came to a screeching halt after than. We had a friend that sent his dossier about three months after we did, and he had to wait nearly three years longer than we did.

 

[Wackotrad]

My cousin has three biological children and two adopted children. Her and her husband are Caucasian and their adoptive children are Indian so in the very beginning she was expecting race comment issues but so far they’ve had none. I don’t know if it is because people are more used to interracial families but they’ve never had a comment over the race.

I second this. My husband and I have two adopted Asian children. We get occasional stares (usually from other Asians who are confused as to what my children are doing with white parents), but we’ve never had any kind of rude racial comment. We’ve never really heard many comments about their adoption at all, other than the occasional “Do you know anything about their real parents?” type question. It’s rude, yes, but people don’t realize that they’re being rude

When I hear about adoptive families suffering from constant, insensitive questions, I honestly wonder where in the world they live, or what kind of awful people they must know.

 

[AnastasiaRomano]

OP, you sadly have been given some bogus and bad advice from a couple of angry people.
After having been through three international adoptions, I can tell you that the one comment about “corruption” in international is lies and myths. Any international adoption first has to be approved by Immigration starting with the parents. Secondly, the us embassy interviews all birth mothers as well as DNA tests them with the baby to avoid any and all false mother, child situations and accusations. Thirdly, the birth mother has to agree to the child to be placed for adoption with a US couple. Fourthly, and only then does the adoption move forward in the countries legal system. For situations where there had been abandonment, there has to be a proven effort to find the birth parents.

A lot of this varies by country and by situation. The US Embassy in my children’s country did not interview any birth parents or do any DNA tests. But that’s because the parents’ rights had been terminated involuntarily, there was a court decree and various subsequent legal documents to that effect, and the birth country’s court systems are reasonably trustworthy and competent. Our visa application process took just two days – but I know that in other countries it can take much longer, depending on the processes put in place to screen for problems.

I wouldn’t say that “corruption” in international adoption is an absolute lie or myth. Let’s not forget that some of the processes you mentioned in your post were put in place in certain countries precisely because serious ethical concerns and allegations of trafficking in some cases arose. Even for those of us who know with absolute certainty our children’s early history and know that there was no coercion or corruption in their placement for adoption, there are still many little opportunities for problems to arise. For example, in many countries officials basically expect bribes for performing their duties. Or adoption agencies and translators might gloss over or leave out concerning parts of a child’s medical history (apparently this was relatively common in Russia before adoption there closed), leaving adoptive families struggling with serious issues that they had told the adoption agency they didn’t think they could handle. Or children’s ages being altered inadvertently or sometimes deliberately falsified in the hopes of making them more adoptable. Etc.

I think it is our responsibility as adoptive parents to make sure, as much as we can, that our children’s adoptions are ethical. Maybe we can’t ever be 100% sure, but we ought to try as much as we can – e.g. researching adoption agencies, researching the birth country’s processes, demanding full disclosure of all legal and medical documents relating to the child, and asking questions if something seems fishy.

None of that is to say that the OP’s adoption from China will be unethical, of course – it’s just my response to the discussion of ethics and corruption in general.

As for books, OP, I’d recommend two if you haven’t already read them: “Toddler Adoption: The Weaver’s Craft” and “The Connected Child.”

Regarding a schedule or routine, I think you got some good advice earlier in the thread about putting the child into your existing family routine. Routine and schedule are usually very important for children from post-institutional backgrounds. But also take a look at your family’s routine and make sure it’s not too over-scheduled or hectic. For example, if one of your kids plays sports, you probably wouldn’t want to take your new child to sports practices or games right after arriving home, but rather have one parent go to sports and one parent stay home with the new child. Another caution I have is about running errands – don’t take your new child on too many errands for the first few months, as it can be very over-stimulating. I used to do the grocery shopping on Saturday mornings while my husband and kids slept, because it was just too overwhelming for them to go to the store. It is much better now, but for quite a while they just couldn’t handle the store at all. For the first couple months, we didn’t go anywhere outside our home except for the park and church (and even church was an adventure at first). Focus on cocooning to the extent that you are able to, and bonding generally goes better.

Finally, congratulations and good luck!

 

[robwar]

In China, the situation always involves abandonment. Birth mothers are not permitted to abandon their children, and if they ever come forward, they will be arrested. China is also a great country to adopt from, as there adoption system is very structured and rarely do issues arise.

---

With regard to some of the other posts, we are an interracial family, and rarely get comments. We do get looks, though, but that doesn’t bother us in the least.

Lastly, with regard to to the adopted child, I recommend being as open and honest as possible, at the age appropriate level, of course. Don’t hide anything from the children. Withholding information from the children can be taken by them as they did something wrong. The kids do ask questions, but we withhold nothing. As a result, they are completely comfortable with their situation, to the point where they even joke about it (e.g., “if you keep acting crazy like that, mom’s gonna send you back to China!”)

yes, China is basically 100% abandoned babies. I was addressing the crack about unethical adoptions. The hoops one jumps through with immigration and the embassy for a US adoption does put many safeguards into the system. The other side of it is the rumors in many of countries such as children are being adopted for body parts or for domestic service. All of these things are untrue but many times that is what is circulated in many of these countries. That is why if you were required to send back reports and pictures, you couldn’t send any back with the child holding a broom or shovel even it is was play stuff. What hurts adoption of any type is rumors or misunderstanding either on our end (international is corrupt) or their end (children are adopted to be abused).

 

[robwar]

I second this. My husband and I have two adopted Asian children. We get occasional stares (usually from other Asians who are confused as to what my children are doing with white parents), but we’ve never had any kind of rude racial comment. We’ve never really heard many comments about their adoption at all, other than the occasional “Do you know anything about their real parents?” type question. It’s rude, yes, but people don’t realize that they’re being rude

When I hear about adoptive families suffering from constant, insensitive questions, I honestly wonder where in the world they live, or what kind of awful people they must know.

One time, a clerk seeing that our three are hispanic and we are gringo ask if they were “real brothers and sister?”, We responded we are all brothers and sisters with God, She shut up. This was in a religious store.
Another time, I was shopping with our oldest (he was still very young) and this women came up to me all excited. She shared with me that her son married someone “dark” and now has a granddaughter who is “dark”. She told me that when she saw me with mine, she felt that it was ok that she now had a “dark” granddaughter. I just smiled and thanked her and didn’t want to bust her bubble in telling her he was adopted.

 

[Skye_Ariel]

I work as a cashier and I see a LOT of families come in with children that are obviously adopted because of the race differences, and I think it’s nice. I remember seeing one black girl who was around 10 yrs old and the way she interacted with her white mom and called her mom and things like that it was cute. I don’t see what the issue is with interracial adoptions. I have one adopted person in my family, my cousin, my mom’s sister’s daughter and she’s like 1 yr older than me and I always played with her when my mom would visit her sister, my aunt, and I never ever thought of my cousin as anything other than or less than my real cousin. Period. Even now I forget that she’s adopted till a thread or conversation like this comes up then it’s like “oh yeah my cousin is adopted.” Growing up I never thought of her as adopted, she was just my cousin, my aunt’s daughter. I just accepted her as she is, it didn’t matter if she was adopted. It never occurred to me to ask why she looked different, she just was. I accepted her as she was. I had been playing with her since we were babies so by the time I was old enough to question it, I was so used to it that it didn’t matter and went unnoticed. She was fun to play with because she was closer to my age than my own siblings and she was more fun because I didn’t see her everyday like my siblings. She was my aunt’s only child so she didn’t have any siblings to deal with and her life as an only child fascinated me because she had her own room and didn’t have to share anything with siblings and got all of her parent’s attention etc. I’m the youngest of 6 kids so I loved going to visit with her and spending the night at her house away from annoying siblings and big brothers LOL. As far as I could see she never had any trouble with being adopted and was never miserable or traumatized, but my aunt adopted her when she was 1yr old, so she never knew any family but ours. She knew she was adopted but it was just more like a technicality and no kind of barrier or anything. My aunt was the only mom she ever knew and to her was her real mom.

 

[marymary1975]

I second this. My husband and I have two adopted Asian children. We get occasional stares (usually from other Asians who are confused as to what my children are doing with white parents), but we’ve never had any kind of rude racial comment. We’ve never really heard many comments about their adoption at all, other than the occasional “Do you know anything about their real parents?” type question. It’s rude, yes, but people don’t realize that they’re being rude

When I hear about adoptive families suffering from constant, insensitive questions, I honestly wonder where in the world they live, or what kind of awful people they must know.

Yes, it is the same for my cousin (and my cousin lives in Idaho) and they get some stares sometimes but they have never had any insensitive or mean comment. Her adopted kids are 8 and 11 (her biological kids are teens and one is over 18 already) so it has also been 10 years since they first adopted. In fact she says that when she has received comments most of the comments she has received tend to be very positive and praising their family. Very sporadically she has had people asking if they know about the real parents but as you say usually is because they dont know they are being rude.

Also her bio children get along wonderfully with her adopted children and they see each other as siblings. I even remember her oldest being very excites and involved in the adoption process when they first adopted. And in our family everybody thought it was a wonderful thing she was doing and the kids are as part of the family as anyone else.

I think my cousin wonders the same as you…when it comes to families through adoption dealing with mean people she wonders where they live?

 

[marymary1975]

IEven now I forget that she’s adopted till a thread or conversation like this comes up then it’s like “oh yeah my cousin is adopted.” Growing up I never thought of her as adopted, she was just my cousin, my aunt’s daughter. I just accepted her as she is, it didn’t matter if she was adopted. It never occurred to me to ask why she looked different, she just was. I accepted her as she was. I had been playing with her since we were babies so by the time I was old enough to question it, I was so used to it that it didn’t matter and went unnoticed. She was fun to play with because she was closer to my age than my own siblings and she was more fun because I didn’t see her everyday like my siblings. She was my aunt’s only child so she didn’t have any siblings to deal with and her life as an only child fascinated me because she had her own room and didn’t have to share anything with siblings and got all of her parent’s attention etc. I’m the youngest of 6 kids so I loved going to visit with her and spending the night at her house away from annoying siblings and big brothers LOL. As far as I could see she never had any trouble with being adopted and was never miserable or traumatized, but my aunt adopted her when she was 1yr old, so she never knew any family but ours. She knew she was adopted but it was just more like a technicality and no kind of barrier or anything. My aunt was the only mom she ever knew and to her was her real mom.

^^^ this exactly! I also do forget that my cousin’s kids are adopted. To me they are just my niece and my nephew. You really don’t think about it. They were also adopted about 1 year old. They both have always known but so far it doesn’t seem like a big issue for them.

 

[dans0622]

We are a family of five and are adopting a child from China. Can anybody share their experience or recommend a resource for creating some sort of order and peace that the child can find comfort in?Thank you so much!

Hello,

Your agency should have lots of suggestions about resources…for any possible topic involving adoption. Personal experience: well, “order and peace” are relative terms. Remember, it could also depend a lot on the personality of your child. So, you might have the best plans and resources but if your child has a temperament/personality of a certain type, they aren’t going to last very long. In that case, you just have to do your best to maintain peace and order. Give some time for adjustment after you get back, certainly. Take baby steps.

Do you think it will be a lot different than if you had another biological child?

Dan

 

[eeurogirly]

Thank you for the positive comments! That’s how I really would like it to be with our adopted child,that he is just so much a part of the family that it not any different from how we raise our biological children. It is definitely reassuring to hear some positive stories. Our own family is totals denial about this happening and keep trying to discourage us from going ahead. I am sure they are worried because of some of the medical issues some of the children have that we were thinking about adopting,

 

[Skye_Ariel]

^^^ this exactly! I also do forget that my cousin’s kids are adopted. To me they are just my niece and my nephew. You really don’t think about it. They were also adopted about 1 year old. They both have always known but so far it doesn’t seem like a big issue for them.

Exactly! That’s good, I think they will be fine in the future with it too.