Any Other SAHMs dislike the weekend? (Or any mom! Or dad!)

[pensmama87]

Like any normal person, I anticipate the arrival of the weekend. I manage my kids mostly on my own during the week while my husband is at work. It’s hard, and I miss getting to spend time with him. So Friday evenings at our house, when we can all be together, are nice.

But usually by Saturday evening I’m praying hard for Monday. Everything is just so disjointed on the weekends. I’ll want to catch up on some house thing that is hard to do with two kids by myself, or want to get out for a little while. I’ll talk with my husband about our plans and we’ll usually agree. Because of naptime, it’s critical that anything we do get started early enough in the morning that we can be home in plenty of time for lunch and nap. We have a routine down during the week that works great and I actually get some time to myself to relax, catch up on housework or start dinner, or piddle around on CAF. But on the weekends, this routine just doesn’t happen and everything happens late - everything gets pushed back. My husband will not wake up on time, or if he does, because hey, children can be loud - he will refuse to get out of bed. He just lies there, for hours. He drags his feet getting breakfast, he messes around on his phone instead of getting dressed or showering, and doesn’t help me get the kids ready. He has almost no awareness of time, and then he is absolutely astonished that the kids are fussy because their mealtimes and naps have been disrupted. Whatever plans we had - and agreed on, together, before the weekend started - go out the window.

He stays up late watching TV or messing around on the computer. I’ve told him that he just can’t expect weekends to be like they used to be before kids - sure, he doesn’t have to work, but he can’t expect his family to disappear so he can sleep past noon and watch TV in his pajamas all day. I’ve asked him if he thinks he may have a sleep problem, because he also will tell me he’s going to go do some chore and then I’ll find him sneaking naps during the day. He falls asleep when he’s supposed to be watching the kids. I know he’s not a morning person, but this just seems ridiculous to me. He can (usually) get up for work, but sometimes I have to wake him. I think if he came to bed at a reasonable time, it would be a lot better, but so far he just refuses to do that. He denies having any kind of sleep issue.

So, I find myself dreading the weekend because I end up feeling way more stressed than I do when I’m by myself with the kids during the week. I feel like this is the opposite of how I should feel to have my husband at home. I’ve told him how important the routine is, and he’ll agree with me, but then ignore it in the moment, presumably because it presents an inconvenience to him (like this morning when he refused to get my 2 year old his regular breakfast because he had already taken the cereal box out of the cupboard).

I’m at the point where I feel like I just have to plan my weekends as if my husband won’t be there. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, is it?

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Perhaps you can plan your weekends for afternoon or evening events instead of morning. Lots of people love to sleep in on the weekends - even parents. Sure you get up when you usually do and get the kids up at the normal time. Then do things during the morning that you can do at home or with the kids. After lunch and naps you can do things with hubby.

If you want to get a home project done, get the supplies one Saturday afternoon then do the project the next weekend. If you want to go to the park go in the afternoon.

Yes it’s a pain, but the way you are going now isn’t working either.

 

[pensmama87]

Perhaps you can plan your weekends for afternoon or evening events instead of morning. Lots of people love to sleep in on the weekends - even parents. Sure you get up when you usually do and get the kids up at the normal time. Then do things during the morning that you can do at home or with the kids. After lunch and naps you can do things with hubby.

If you want to get a home project done, get the supplies one Saturday afternoon then do the project the next weekend. If you want to go to the park go in the afternoon.

Yes it’s a pain, but the way you are going now isn’t working either.

I think you may be right about the afternoons. It is a pain, because the stretch of time to accomplish anything is much shorter (I can get three hours in the morning, but the time between nap and dinner is less than that, and I have to prepare it in the meantime) and the crowds are worse if I need to go out (e.g. shopping).

I’ve tried going out by myself on weekend mornings, but what I have come home to on those mornings makes me feel bad I subjected my kids to it. If he’s moved from the bed, DH is usually sleeping on the couch while the kids play unsupervised (our house is pretty well childproofed, but still!) Baby has a diaper that’s soaked or filthy, and he could be crying loudly right next to DH without DH hearing him. So that was the end of me going out by myself in the mornings. In the evenings, though, might work. DH does watch the kids while I work and he’s more alert then so they’re not being neglected, at least.

I guess it’s hard for me to understand how his want to sleep in overrides his children’s needs. I know mothers respond to their children differently than fathers do, but I just couldn’t make my kids have to suck it up. I’ve struggled with depression and even when I’m deep in that I still know I have to take care of my kids and I do it.

 

[decjlc]

I don’t have a suggestion for you, but I wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. My husband is a law enforcement officer, and his days off are total chaos. I love spending time with him (and so does the kiddo), but he’s the same way in wanting to sleep half of the day away and then do nothing at all until evening. Yesterday, I took our son (2.5 year old toddler) to a baby shower with me so hubby could get ready for all of us to go out and have dinner, as we had been planning to do all week. I came home two hours later (at 5:30 pm), and he was still not fully dressed. We had a big argument about that…I lose my patience so quickly. Pray for me. LOL

In the meantime, I know my own schedule could be improved as well, so I’m reading A Mother’s Rule. Perhaps this will help me accomplish what I need to during the week (I’m a WAHM) to be free and less stressed on hubby’s days off when he wants to do…whatever it is he wants to do.

 

[St_Francis]

I remember how nice weekends were when i was working… I could just loe around with no deadlines, no pressure; it was great! I could sleep in til i wanted to get up, then piddle around in pj’s til noon, then read a book…

Yes, children mess all that up, but we still need some “down time” like that. Our husbands also have a lot of stress in their days.

So I’d say both mom and dad need downtime, and perhaps what is happening here is that what works for you, Pensmama, does not work for your husband! He *wants *it to work for you, so he agrees to your plans, but when push comes to shove, that need for downtime overwhelms him.

I have actually had that problem. My husband used to work out of town, and if he had to be gone for more than 1 weekend, we’d end up taking a day or two off whether I’d planned it or not! That need for downtime just ran over any plans I might have had!

What I would suggest is to talk with your husband and see what he would like to do and how he would like the schedule to be. What I found with myself is that the actual *need *for downtime would be satisfied but I would hang on to being in down time simply because I wasn’t sure when I would have the chance again! But once I saw what was happening, I was anle to arrange my schedule in a way that allowed me to *know *I would get it at regular times, and I was able to function much more efficiently (if you can call anything about caring for young children efficient :lol.

It may be that if he knows that every Saturday morning is totally his to just go ker-plunk, that he will be more pulled together for other times. Or whatever scheduling works out for the two of you.

OTOH, it may be that he needs to consider the sleep thing… does he stay up late in the evenings during the week? Does he drink a lot of caffeine or eat chocolate? My friend and I are each unable to sleep if we have one of those. Are things very stressful at his work? Stuff like that may be the problem, or he may have medical issue.

 

[Xantippe]

The weekend can wind up being sort of free-form and unproductive if one just lets it happen. School/work days are much more regimented and orderly.

In our family, ideally Saturday should be a work and project day and Sunday is the family/rest/fun/church day. What I tell the kids is that if some fun happens on Saturday, that’s great, but that is our work day.

I agree with the advice from Mrs. Sally that:

“Perhaps you can plan your weekends for afternoon or evening events instead of morning. Lots of people love to sleep in on the weekends - even parents. Sure you get up when you usually do and get the kids up at the normal time. Then do things during the morning that you can do at home or with the kids. After lunch and naps you can do things with hubby.
If you want to get a home project done, get the supplies one Saturday afternoon then do the project the next weekend. If you want to go to the park go in the afternoon.”

That’s very sound. I think what I’d try for is getting your husband used to the idea that he can have Saturday morning to sleep in, but lunch is at noon and between then and dinner time, there’s stuff that needs to happen. And plan that at least the night before. Try not to be over ambitious. I find that just one big Saturday grocery run and a birthday party to attend fills up a Saturday pretty fast. If you have a major project going at home, you may want to suspend your normal cooking. I don’t know about your area, but in ours, there are some really excellent frozen Indian microwave dinners.

I also find that naptime or just after dinner on the weekend is a really good time to go grocery shopping.

Are you homeowners? If so, how does your husband manage to do any maintenance?

 

[pensmama87]

The weekend can wind up being sort of free-form and unproductive if one just lets it happen. School/work days are much more regimented and orderly.

In our family, ideally Saturday should be a work and project day and Sunday is the family/rest/fun/church day. What I tell the kids is that if some fun happens on Saturday, that’s great, but that is our work day.

That’s how I envision it too, but that’s usually not how it works.

I agree with the advice from Mrs. Sally that:

“Perhaps you can plan your weekends for afternoon or evening events instead of morning. Lots of people love to sleep in on the weekends - even parents. Sure you get up when you usually do and get the kids up at the normal time. Then do things during the morning that you can do at home or with the kids. After lunch and naps you can do things with hubby.
If you want to get a home project done, get the supplies one Saturday afternoon then do the project the next weekend. If you want to go to the park go in the afternoon.”

That’s very sound. I think what I’d try for is getting your husband used to the idea that he can have Saturday morning to sleep in, but lunch is at noon and between then and dinner time, there’s stuff that needs to happen. And plan that at least the night before. Try not to be over ambitious. I find that just one big Saturday grocery run and a birthday party to attend fills up a Saturday pretty fast. If you have a major project going at home, you may want to suspend your normal cooking. I don’t know about your area, but in ours, there are some really excellent frozen Indian microwave dinners.

I also find that naptime or just after dinner on the weekend is a really good time to go grocery shopping.

That’s looking like the time to do things! I used to do bulk cooking on the weekends so I didn’t have to cook on nights I had work, but I’m finding that it’s easier for me to double something on a weeknight and then have it on a weekend.

Are you homeowners? If so, how does your husband manage to do any maintenance?

We are. He does not do any maintenance except mowing the lawn, which is not an issue now. I have wished I knew how because he will wait forever to cut it, though! I figure out some stuff doing YouTube tutorials and anything else we hire. I want to get some painting done this year (it’s desperate) and I do know how to do that.

 

[Xantippe]

Pensmama87 said:

“We are. He does not do any maintenance except mowing the lawn, which is not an issue now. I have wished I knew how because he will wait forever to cut it, though! I figure out some stuff doing YouTube tutorials and anything else we hire. I want to get some painting done this year (it’s desperate) and I do know how to do that.”

We do it the other way around–we hire out the lawn and my husband does a lot of our maintenance projects (switched out a toilet, replaced a kitchen faucet, replaced the car’s alternator, changed our locks, etc.). It’s probably 6 of the one, half a dozen of the other as far as expense goes.

It is a real struggle to find time for non-routine tasks. Just grocery shopping, meal prep, laundry, dishes and peeling kids off of screens takes considerable effort. It’s really hard to find a time when my husband is free, and I am free, and both of us are feeling energetic and able to take on a project, even a project as small as organizing a drawer.

 

[Hoosier_Daddy]

I like and dislike the weekends.

I am a Stay and home dad and the weekends are fun because we go do things as a family and I love having a partner and friend with me. BUT weekends are also stressful because I am a guy who likes to have a pattern or a schedule that is the same. A way of doing things that is my own. And when the weekend hits, my schedule is thrown off and so are the kids. They may not get a nap, they may be up till 2 am. They may be eating pancakes in pjs at 4PM. It drives me nuts!!! But it is important for my wife to have her own experience and happiness with the children as well. So I try to let go a little and realize that on monday, I can get things back on track and where I want them.

 

[Mrs_Sally]

Yeah I agreed about doubling recipes that freeze well or that everyone likes and will eat again a day or two later. You can also try cooking dinner in the morning. Crockpot something or maybe chili or a soup that can easily be heated up at dinner time.

 

[bisco]

as a father of three grown children, i have a hard time remembering those early years. my wife was home with the little ones and i worked 5 1/2 days a week. we spent weekends doing chores and such, but always made some time to take the kids to the park or play in the backyard.this was before they were old enough for organized sports, because you won’t have to worry about what you’re doing on weekends after that!

my wife used to paint while the kids were taking a nap. it wasn’t easy, and inevitably, she was interupted before finishing. i would try to talk to your husband over dinner some night when you have a babysitter. perhaps a good conversation about his weekend habits will hwlp him realize he needs to pitch in too. don’t make it all about yourself though, try to come to some kind of compromise. those are tough years, but i wish we had them back, and i wish you all the best!

 

[BlueEyedLady]

So, I find myself dreading the weekend because I end up feeling way more stressed than I do when I’m by myself with the kids during the week. I feel like this is the opposite of how I should feel to have my husband at home. I’ve told him how important the routine is, and he’ll agree with me, but then ignore it in the moment, presumably because it presents an inconvenience to him (like this morning when he refused to get my 2 year old his regular breakfast because he had already taken the cereal box out of the cupboard).

I’m at the point where I feel like I just have to plan my weekends as if my husband won’t be there. That’s not how it’s supposed to work, is it?

You make the plans, you set the schedule, you tell your husband how important it is. Do you see a pattern? It also struck me that your husband fed your child (who you referred to as “my two year old”) Cheerios for breakfast, and you got mad because that’s not what you usually feed him. You have to let your husband be a husband and father. If you just inform him of what needs to be done, rather than working with him to set the schedule, he will check out. If you get mad because he fed his son Cheerios, which is a perfectly fine breakfast, just because you would have done something different, he will feel undermined and like he isn’t even allowed to engage with his kids, so what’s the point of trying?

You’ll get more enthusiasm out of him if you allow him to build his own relationship and habits with the kids, rather than trying to force him to do things your way.

 

[underacloud]

A few thoughts from a working father of four children:

My wife and I often disagree about what Saturday morning should involve. I like to take it easy and relax as much as possible, while she gets frustrated at idleness. We need to balance how we handle this. But I do think that a working parent looks forward to that Saturday morning being different to the rest of the week.

While I certainly understand that you have a routine that you want to stick to as much as possible, you may need to consider there can be pros to having more flexible routines. eg Kids who need day naps can often have their naps in the car on the way to or from somewhere. And it really won’t hurt them to miss out on their nap sometimes. And a varried diet can have not only health benefits (eg you can get a greater variety of nutrients if diet varries), but longer term benefits of them being less fussy in the long term too. I think kids can easily understand that different days can have different or no routines.

That said, if he’s sleeping till noon and napping regularly, and generally has trouble getting out of bed, that could be a more serious concern than just enjoying a sleep in. Keep an eye out for signs of depression. And if his sleeping is a considerable issue for the family, try to encourage him to see a doctor.

 

[Xantippe]

underacloud said:

“And it really won’t hurt them to miss out on their nap sometimes.”

It generally hurts their mama, though.

 

[pensmama87]

You make the plans, you set the schedule, you tell your husband how important it is. Do you see a pattern? It also struck me that your husband fed your child (who you referred to as “my two year old”) Cheerios for breakfast, and you got mad because that’s not what you usually feed him. You have to let your husband be a husband and father. If you just inform him of what needs to be done, rather than working with him to set the schedule, he will check out. If you get mad because he fed his son Cheerios, which is a perfectly fine breakfast, just because you would have done something different, he will feel undermined and like he isn’t even allowed to engage with his kids, so what’s the point of trying?

You’ll get more enthusiasm out of him if you allow him to build his own relationship and habits with the kids, rather than trying to force him to do things your way.

I can see your point, but I wouldn’t read too much into my word usage. I usually use the word “my” when I’m not with my husband talking about our kids, and say “our” when we’re together.

Re: the breakfast, the issue was that my - excuse me, our - son wanted his usual breakfast, the way that he is used to things, and rather than go along with that my husband decided to argue with him about it. If he wanted cereal, no big, give him cereal. But he likes having a routine and I think it’s silly that my husband thinks he can upend the whole thing (and I mean the whole thing, not just the breakfast, but the whole day) just because he feels like it. Believe me, there are a lot of parts of our daily routine that are not what I would choose if I could schedule my kids the way I wanted to, but I do it because that’s the way it fits best with how they sleep, when they get hungry, etc.

And usually we do set our plans, together, before the weekend starts. It’s not just me who suggests things. But his way of doing things interrupts not just my ideas but his, too - because he doesn’t take into account that our kids need to nap at the same time everyday or they will be crabby, or not be ready at bedtime, etc. So his “well, we’ll just do that later” turns into “well, that didn’t get done at all.”

I did post this thread a while back so these are things we are working on, but believe me, I’m not trying to impose this whole system on him. I’m asking him to grow up and realize that his ideal schedule/lack of isn’t going to work with young children. I’ve adapted, and in some ways, he needs to, too.

 

[pensmama87]

underacloud said:

“And it really won’t hurt them to miss out on their nap sometimes.”

It generally hurts their mama, though.

My baby is generally OK - still good at napping whenever, wherever - but my two-year-old can throw a nasty tantrum when he is sleep-deprived. I don’t like it, and I don’t imagine he does, either.

 

[underacloud]

underacloud said:

“And it really won’t hurt them to miss out on their nap sometimes.”

It generally hurts their mama, though.

Each kid will react differently of course, but I find there can be a payoff for the parents too. If our youngest misses his nap, he will go to bed earlier in the evening, so mum and dad can have some more time to ourselves.

 

[bisco]

one thing for us all to keep in mind, when one parent works outside the house, and one is a stay at home parent, both are working.